Struggling After Loss & Dealing With Guilt

[Tilly206]

awww, a polydactyl?

Thats just her little side pad/claw, shes holding it at an angle in the photo.
Pretty sure she has regular paws!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

We found a little kitten at the shelter and ended up adopting her. I was against getting another cat as the loss was so raw and I felt it was disloyal to Soots.

No, Darlin. The finest way to honor the love you shared with Sooty is to offer love to another who needs it so. And you aren't giving your new baby Sooty's love, she has her very own. The heart has infinite rooms to house our loves. Sooty's love is still whole, complete, and she is happy for you!

 

[VBG]

Hi. I’m really struggling to deal with the loss of my Sooty and wondering how I can forgive myself for the intense guilt that I’m feeling.

Sooty was in my life for 17 years. I got her when I was 14, from that moment, it was love. I moved out of my family home when I had my own family (I left her with my other cat as not fair to seperate them). When my other cat passed away, she came to live with me again (2014). She settled in straight away and we all felt so happy to have her here. She was in good health for a couple of years, but we soon noticed her losing weight, drinking a lot and going crazy for our food. Our vet couldnt decide what was wrong but after numerous tests she was diagnosed with gastro intestional issues and put on a special diet. We took her to a new vet, who suspected Hyperthyroidism. She was put on meds and the improvement was great. She was at the vets every 6 months having blood tests and was last in in November having a dental and all seemed fine at consultation/pre-op/thyroid bloods/general anaesthetic etc. Generally, she seemed very well on her meds and special diet!

Around the end of March, we noticed that Sooty had ‘stood funny’ a couple of times (head down a bit), but had no signs anything was wrong. I mentioned it to my partner who said she seemed fine and I felt I was being silly.
Sooty had her 17th birthday on 29th March, seemed perfectly fine and was eating well. In the next couple of days, she had 2 tiny bad bellies- as she had gastro issues, sometimes she’d had a little flare up if she’d got something she shouldnt have, like milk!
My mum came to stay for Easter and commented that Sooty had lost a bit of weight since the month before. My mums other cat was the same weight wise, although in good health years before passing, so she said its prob just her age. I mentioned her bad tummy and said if she has it once more, shes going to the vets! The next day, her toilet seemed fine again!
Over the next couple of days life went on as normal - it was the school Easter Hols and I was trying my best to get the children out and keep them entertained. A couple of days when we got home, id noticed that Sooty had either picked at her food or not eaten it. I told myself it was down to her bad tummy and felt she’d be back to her usual self very soon- shes had a couple of times where shes grazed for a couple of days then got her appetite back, so I felt this was the same! She seemed fine in herself, coming for evening cuddles/being around the family etc.
Friday 6th - for dinner I cooked her some chicken to try and encourage her to eat more, she sniffed it and walked off.. I found it very odd but I had (unusually) microwave defrosted it as it was still a little frozen in the fridge and thought that may be why! She returned and had a bit of a nibble, so that put my mind at ease.

That eve, Sooty came to sit with me.. was meowing at me for marshmallows and seemed fine, at around 11:30pm, she sat next to me on the sofa and her side was moving quickly for about 10 seconds (as if fast breathing). There were no other symptoms but I got worried and started to wonder if she had an infection or something. I asked my partner to get some water and ham. I got the emergency vets number, but as she drank the water, ate the ham.. she seemed OK so we didn't take her to the vet. She walked off upstairs to lay in the hall (one of her fave spots), so we kept an eye on her for over an hour, she seemed fine so we went to bed.
The next morning, she seemed fine and was meowing at me for my breakfast so I commented that she had “perked up”. Her tail was up and she was following me around as usual. I thought she was alright and it’d be a case of some antibiotics or the vet saying it was something minor! We took her to the vet. An x-ray was done and fluid was found around her lungs. We agreed to thoracentesis and a stay in intensive care. As the vet tried to drain the fluid, Sooty was getting weak and couldn't be sedated further. The vet diagnosed her with HCM (hypertrophic cardiomyopathy) secondary to her hyperthyroid and congestive heart failure and recommended that we let her go as she felt she wouldnt make it.
We all went to say goodbye and I stayed with her whilst she went to sleep. It was the worst day of my life.

I am struggling without her so much, because I adored her and I feel that she was always there for me, but when she needed me most and tried to tell me, I let her down. I looked after her the best I could in life and can’t believe it’s come to this. Id dreamed of her passing away naturally from old age, not me missing all the signs and feeling like I let her die.
I know hindsight is an amazing thing and all of the above felt like small things at the time, but I'm now wondering why I didn't put it all together, be more alert or just call the vet to check. I was also busy with my children during the week and worry that I may have missed something.

I cant get over how perky she seemed before the vets. Each time ive taken her in to be put under anaesthetic, I worried she would pass away (worried because of her age) but this time I was convinced it’d be a routine trip for something minor and she’d be coming home.

I always knew I wouldnt take her death well, but Im so shocked by the amount of grief and guilt I’m consumed by. I have lost half a stone, cry loads and feel very down.

Im sorry my story is so very long!!

RIP Sooty 29/3/2001-7/4/2018
My beautiful girl. Here she is:
View attachment 233067
View attachment 233070

I'm so very sorry. I really do know how that feels. I felt intense guilt after losing my first cat of nearly 16 years. Please don't punish yourself. You didn't do anything intentionally to hurt her and continued tto seek help for her. In the end, all we can do i

Hi. I’m really struggling to deal with the loss of my Sooty and wondering how I can forgive myself for the intense guilt that I’m feeling.

Sooty was in my life for 17 years. I got her when I was 14, from that moment, it was love. I moved out of my family home when I had my own family (I left her with my other cat as not fair to seperate them). When my other cat passed away, she came to live with me again (2014). She settled in straight away and we all felt so happy to have her here. She was in good health for a couple of years, but we soon noticed her losing weight, drinking a lot and going crazy for our food. Our vet couldnt decide what was wrong but after numerous tests she was diagnosed with gastro intestional issues and put on a special diet. We took her to a new vet, who suspected Hyperthyroidism. She was put on meds and the improvement was great. She was at the vets every 6 months having blood tests and was last in in November having a dental and all seemed fine at consultation/pre-op/thyroid bloods/general anaesthetic etc. Generally, she seemed very well on her meds and special diet!

Around the end of March, we noticed that Sooty had ‘stood funny’ a couple of times (head down a bit), but had no signs anything was wrong. I mentioned it to my partner who said she seemed fine and I felt I was being silly.
Sooty had her 17th birthday on 29th March, seemed perfectly fine and was eating well. In the next couple of days, she had 2 tiny bad bellies- as she had gastro issues, sometimes she’d had a little flare up if she’d got something she shouldnt have, like milk!
My mum came to stay for Easter and commented that Sooty had lost a bit of weight since the month before. My mums other cat was the same weight wise, although in good health years before passing, so she said its prob just her age. I mentioned her bad tummy and said if she has it once more, shes going to the vets! The next day, her toilet seemed fine again!
Over the next couple of days life went on as normal - it was the school Easter Hols and I was trying my best to get the children out and keep them entertained. A couple of days when we got home, id noticed that Sooty had either picked at her food or not eaten it. I told myself it was down to her bad tummy and felt she’d be back to her usual self very soon- shes had a couple of times where shes grazed for a couple of days then got her appetite back, so I felt this was the same! She seemed fine in herself, coming for evening cuddles/being around the family etc.
Friday 6th - for dinner I cooked her some chicken to try and encourage her to eat more, she sniffed it and walked off.. I found it very odd but I had (unusually) microwave defrosted it as it was still a little frozen in the fridge and thought that may be why! She returned and had a bit of a nibble, so that put my mind at ease.

That eve, Sooty came to sit with me.. was meowing at me for marshmallows and seemed fine, at around 11:30pm, she sat next to me on the sofa and her side was moving quickly for about 10 seconds (as if fast breathing). There were no other symptoms but I got worried and started to wonder if she had an infection or something. I asked my partner to get some water and ham. I got the emergency vets number, but as she drank the water, ate the ham.. she seemed OK so we didn't take her to the vet. She walked off upstairs to lay in the hall (one of her fave spots), so we kept an eye on her for over an hour, she seemed fine so we went to bed.
The next morning, she seemed fine and was meowing at me for my breakfast so I commented that she had “perked up”. Her tail was up and she was following me around as usual. I thought she was alright and it’d be a case of some antibiotics or the vet saying it was something minor! We took her to the vet. An x-ray was done and fluid was found around her lungs. We agreed to thoracentesis and a stay in intensive care. As the vet tried to drain the fluid, Sooty was getting weak and couldn't be sedated further. The vet diagnosed her with HCM (hypertrophic cardiomyopathy) secondary to her hyperthyroid and congestive heart failure and recommended that we let her go as she felt she wouldnt make it.
We all went to say goodbye and I stayed with her whilst she went to sleep. It was the worst day of my life.

I am struggling without her so much, because I adored her and I feel that she was always there for me, but when she needed me most and tried to tell me, I let her down. I looked after her the best I could in life and can’t believe it’s come to this. Id dreamed of her passing away naturally from old age, not me missing all the signs and feeling like I let her die.
I know hindsight is an amazing thing and all of the above felt like small things at the time, but I'm now wondering why I didn't put it all together, be more alert or just call the vet to check. I was also busy with my children during the week and worry that I may have missed something.

I cant get over how perky she seemed before the vets. Each time ive taken her in to be put under anaesthetic, I worried she would pass away (worried because of her age) but this time I was convinced it’d be a routine trip for something minor and she’d be coming home.

I always knew I wouldnt take her death well, but Im so shocked by the amount of grief and guilt I’m consumed by. I have lost half a stone, cry loads and feel very down.

Im sorry my story is so very long!!

RIP Sooty 29/3/2001-7/4/2018
My beautiful girl. Here she is:
View attachment 233067
View attachment 233070

I'm so very sorry. I really do know how you feel. I had a very similar experience with my first cat of 16 years. Please don't punish yourself, you never did anything to harm her and tried your best to help her. Sadly, we don't have the power to heal. You did everything right, Sooty wasn't going to get younger. Allow yourself to grieve without beating yourself up. And just know that she never blamed you, so don't blame yourself.
I won't lie, this is tough stuff....healing will come.

 

[Tilly206]

Thank you everyone. Having a bit of a bad night and reading through this thread again, which has helped.
Thanks VBG and im so sorry for your loss too.

 

[Tilly206]

No, Darlin. The finest way to honor the love you shared with Sooty is to offer love to another who needs it so. And you aren't giving your new baby Sooty's love, she has her very own. The heart has infinite rooms to house our loves. Sooty's love is still whole, complete, and she is happy for you!

Thank you, such a lovely post.. and it is true, I miss my Sooty so much every day and nothing will change that, but Im so glad I can give my love to another little fur baby and get a lot of joy from her. Shes very spoilt already!

 

[jessaka]

I am so sorry to hear about your cat. This is something we all go through from time to time because they don't live long enough. It made me feel sad to read your post. I hope you are feeling better soon.

 

[Tilly206]

I’m struggling with a new battle. Everything I read about cats in Sooty’s type of condition, the cats seem to pull through on meds.

My vet recommended Sooty be put to sleep as she wasnt making enough progress during her thoracentesis and fluid was building faster than it could be drained. My partner asked if any more could be done for her but she said no. I did not ask all of the info as I was in major shock at what I was hearing and my thoughts turned to letting Sooty go ASAP in case she was in any pain.

When we took her for her original consultation (that morning), her heart beat and temperature were within normal range, her respiratory rate was increased.
Ive read over her notes (only got these after Sooty passed) and see that her respiratory rate did improve when she was given lasix, but the vet noted that she had a weak pulse and was getting progressively more flat.

Im not a doctor, but surely if her respiratory rate improved, that would have been reason to monitor her for a bit longer? Im quite confused at this and feel I should’ve pressed for answers more. Although the vet sounded very final/sure of the decision that should be made.

Ive spoken with her since and she said that Sooty wouldnt have made it 1-2 days in intensive care, even when we were coming to the vets.. she worried she may be slipping. But after reading her notes, I have my doubts and feel I should've insisted maybe?

Before we left, she was meowing, folllwing me and seemed OK.. it’s just all so surreal.

I just dont know if I’ve done the right thing here.. i know its too late now but what do you all think?

 

[jessaka]

How horrible. I don't think you did anything wrong. The vet knew more than you did. I am so sorry this happened to your cat.

 

[Furballsmom]

You did the right thing. I'm not a vet but to me the indication of weakening pulse and getting more flat says she was failing.
You saved her from all the stress of more tests, more poking and prodding, cage time at the vets, tubes stuck in here and there, and the stink of antiseptic cleaning, harsh lighting...in some cases that is what a cat needs for treatment. In this case your vet believed, based on what she knew and her experience, that this would not have helped your cat.

 

[jeannecarol]

I'm so glad you found a new furbaby. Sooty will live on in memory, and as you heal you'll find yourself telling Sooty stories with a smile. And your new little love will be there for you, in her own way.

Sooty lived a good long life and was well loved; rejoice in her memory.

Meanwhile, that scratching post might come in handy for Coco!

 

[RainyNightinGA]

Hi Tilly206 I can so understand your guilt and your second guessing yourself as I'm going through the same and I think that's part of the grieving process. But that doesn't mean you did anything wrong at all. I can tell from reading your thread that you loved Sooty so much and took excellent, excellent care of her.

About your latest wave of guilt about many cats in her condition pulling through on meds ... remember that every cat is different and every case is different and the best judge of what is going on with your own cat is your vet. I'm sure that your vet has seen many, many cases of cats being ill with similar conditions and that the advice your vet gave was the absolute best advice based on experience and knowledge and the particulars of Sooty's condition. Please don't second guess yourself for taking your vet's advice in making the decision that was best for Sooty and helped her pass as peacefully as possible with you by her side.

One other thing to consider is that if you had made a different decision, you might well be second guessing that one now too ... it is just human nature. And by letting Sooty go when you did, you may well have saved her from a more traumatic death or from being alone at the vet clinic when she passed. I hope you're able to feel better soon and see that you made the best decision you could with the knowledge you had at the time and the best advice from your vet.

Please take care, and be kind to yourself. It's what Sooty would want.

 

[Tilly206]

Thanks Jeanne

And RainyNightinGA- thank you, your post is lovely and you make some very good points that I really need to try and force myself to listen to.

The hardest part in all this is the fact that all we really want, is our babies back. Ive had some regrets in life but never have I cried so hard and prayed for a chance to turn the clock back.
Im always looking for a way to solve problems, but you cant bring someone back... it’s a tough journey. Thank you everyone

 

[cat1967]

I read your posts and I can't stop crying. I am in a terrible situation/dilemma with my 12 yr old Benji. A month ago he stopped eating and drinking and lost half of his weight. He is just hair and bones. Of course I took him to the vet from day one but he had lost a lot of weight by then. He had all blood test, ultrasound and IV fluids were provided as well as antibiotics and cortisone, then insulin because his blood sugar seemed high and lots more. I syringe feed him, I have changed diet, I have made homemade recipes you don't know how much I have already done. And I have been syringe feeding and giving water. He is still alive but I have thought of putting him to sleep as nothing works and the vet said he cannot find anything so bad. There are three vets where I take him so they all said the same thing after they all examined him and his tests.

I feel guilty for keeping him alive like this but I would also feel guilty to put him to sleep and I really don't know what to do. I have another 6 cats from ages 1-13 and a dog but it is like kids, no one can fill the loss.

You did everything you could and from what I have read, once a cat goes down with something other complications may follow. My Benji is 12 I thought he had so many more years ahead but now I wonder if it is days or even hours.

Adopting a kitty is the best thing. I have saved all these kitties I have from sure death but when their time comes sometimes there is nothing we can do. Although I know I have been prolonging the inevitable I just hope he is not in pain and I hope that one day he will start eating on his own or gain weight.

I totally understand how you feel but you shouldn't feel guilty at all. You have been there for her no matter what you say. Things happen but you took real good care of her.

I am sending you all my love and I believe that as sensitive as you are and caring you shouldn't feel bad. Your baby is somewhere happy and that is how you should see it.

 

[RainyNightinGA]

Im always looking for a way to solve problems, but you cant bring someone back... it’s a tough journey. Thank you everyone

Oh, wow, I could totally relate to that Tilly206 . I think this is even harder if you have that personality type (I do too) where you delve into research and believe you can find a solution. I think it becomes even harder for our brains to wrap around the idea that there's nothing we can do. It does help to share here though with other who are going through something similar.

 

[Plumeria]

Tilly206

I’m so sorry for your unexpected loss of your beautiful Sooty. She is too cute! You did a GREAT job providing a loving home for her these 17 long years. When a cat reaches a very old age like this, it’s expected that their bodies will start having problems, just like in old or aging humans. Unfortunately, it can be so difficult to tell when a cat is suffering from a health condition. Seeing the vet’s notes, it does appear that your precious baby was fading. You did your best. You really did. I wish I had a magic wand to help you stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty. But I do the same and know it’s part of the grieving process.

Your new baby is so adorable I have 2 new babies too and they both slept with me last night. Of course I still had Leroy’s towel with me too. Donating Leroy’s food to the shelter is what I did as well. Our emotions are still raw and we have more steps to take in our grieving process. I think having new babies to protect and care for is a healthy and productive way to help that process. I know it’s hard, but we will help each other through it

 

[Tilly206]

I want to apologise for not responding to the last posts here.. I had to take a break as I am still struggling a lot.
cat 1967, Im sorry to hear that you are going through that thank you for your message

Plumeria, Ive been keeping up with your thread and I feel you pain too, thanks for your lovely reply

Also, I forgot to add that I spoke to another vet in the practice as I noticed something in Sooty's notes that didn't add up. She feels there may have been something else going on with Sooty- possibly thyroid cancer or another heart problem. I still have so much pain that I didn't insist for more routine checks over her life or make more effort to monitor her health day to day.. but really all I can focus on now is the happy years we had and how much love we had for each other. I'm looking at my profile photo (which is my phone display photo also) and can see the pure love in her eyes. We are both so lucky to have found each other and I am so grateful that she was mine. I just really hope there is a heaven as I really want to see her again.

 

[cat1967]

Sane here. I didn’t want to dig i. Yo find what went wrong and what took him from me. What does it matter now. Like you I have his picture here and on my ohone screen. And my lap top screen as well and I tell him good morbing and goid night every day. I cannot really believe he is gone and my eyes are full of tears every time I think of him. I talk about him a lot too remembering all his mischievous actions as my baby was naughty. It gets better in time but I think you never forget. I have list sux cats hit by cars on our street. They were indoor/outdoor cats because that was the way they wanted it. I have never forgotten them. Four of them were only six months old. And now I have two indoor/outdoor and I dread everyday. We are never relaxed bever worry free. We are moms and these are our babies and of course we suffer. But they also give us unforgettable moments of happiness and unconditional love like no human can give!

 

[Tilly206]

Sane here. I didn’t want to dig i. Yo find what went wrong and what took him from me. What does it matter now. Like you I have his picture here and on my ohone screen. And my lap top screen as well and I tell him good morbing and goid night every day. I cannot really believe he is gone and my eyes are full of tears every time I think of him. I talk about him a lot too remembering all his mischievous actions as my baby was naughty. It gets better in time but I think you never forget. I have list sux cats hit by cars on our street. They were indoor/outdoor cats because that was the way they wanted it. I have never forgotten them. Four of them were only six months old. And now I have two indoor/outdoor and I dread everyday. We are never relaxed bever worry free. We are moms and these are our babies and of course we suffer. But they also give us unforgettable moments of happiness and unconditional love like no human can give!

Im so sorry, I had no idea you had had Benji put to sleep (I just read your thread). I am so sorry for your loss, I will be thinking of you

 

[cat1967]

Im so sorry, I had no idea you had had Benji put to sleep (I just read your thread). I am so sorry for your loss, I will be thinking of you

Thank you so much dear friend. You are so kind

 

[jessaka]

I’m struggling with a new battle. Everything I read about cats in Sooty’s type of condition, the cats seem to pull through on meds.

My vet recommended Sooty be put to sleep as she wasnt making enough progress during her thoracentesis and fluid was building faster than it could be drained. My partner asked if any more could be done for her but she said no. I did not ask all of the info as I was in major shock at what I was hearing and my thoughts turned to letting Sooty go ASAP in case she was in any pain.

When we took her for her original consultation (that morning), her heart beat and temperature were within normal range, her respiratory rate was increased.
Ive read over her notes (only got these after Sooty passed) and see that her respiratory rate did improve when she was given lasix, but the vet noted that she had a weak pulse and was getting progressively more flat.

Im not a doctor, but surely if her respiratory rate improved, that would have been reason to monitor her for a bit longer? Im quite confused at this and feel I should’ve pressed for answers more. Although the vet sounded very final/sure of the decision that should be made.

Ive spoken with her since and she said that Sooty wouldnt have made it 1-2 days in intensive care, even when we were coming to the vets.. she worried she may be slipping. But after reading her notes, I have my doubts and feel I should've insisted maybe?

Before we left, she was meowing, folllwing me and seemed OK.. it’s just all so surreal.

I just dont know if I’ve done the right thing here.. i know its too late now but what do you all think?