Hi. I’m really struggling to deal with the loss of my Sooty and wondering how I can forgive myself for the intense guilt that I’m feeling.
Sooty was in my life for 17 years. I got her when I was 14, from that moment, it was love. I moved out of my family home when I had my own family (I left her with my other cat as not fair to seperate them). When my other cat passed away, she came to live with me again (2014). She settled in straight away and we all felt so happy to have her here. She was in good health for a couple of years, but we soon noticed her losing weight, drinking a lot and going crazy for our food. Our vet couldnt decide what was wrong but after numerous tests she was diagnosed with gastro intestional issues and put on a special diet. We took her to a new vet, who suspected Hyperthyroidism. She was put on meds and the improvement was great. She was at the vets every 6 months having blood tests and was last in in November having a dental and all seemed fine at consultation/pre-op/thyroid bloods/general anaesthetic etc. Generally, she seemed very well on her meds and special diet!
Around the end of March, we noticed that Sooty had ‘stood funny’ a couple of times (head down a bit), but had no signs anything was wrong. I mentioned it to my partner who said she seemed fine and I felt I was being silly.
Sooty had her 17th birthday on 29th March, seemed perfectly fine and was eating well. In the next couple of days, she had 2 tiny bad bellies- as she had gastro issues, sometimes she’d had a little flare up if she’d got something she shouldnt have, like milk!
My mum came to stay for Easter and commented that Sooty had lost a bit of weight since the month before. My mums other cat was the same weight wise, although in good health years before passing, so she said its prob just her age. I mentioned her bad tummy and said if she has it once more, shes going to the vets! The next day, her toilet seemed fine again!
Over the next couple of days life went on as normal - it was the school Easter Hols and I was trying my best to get the children out and keep them entertained. A couple of days when we got home, id noticed that Sooty had either picked at her food or not eaten it. I told myself it was down to her bad tummy and felt she’d be back to her usual self very soon- shes had a couple of times where shes grazed for a couple of days then got her appetite back, so I felt this was the same! She seemed fine in herself, coming for evening cuddles/being around the family etc.
Friday 6th - for dinner I cooked her some chicken to try and encourage her to eat more, she sniffed it and walked off.. I found it very odd but I had (unusually) microwave defrosted it as it was still a little frozen in the fridge and thought that may be why! She returned and had a bit of a nibble, so that put my mind at ease.
That eve, Sooty came to sit with me.. was meowing at me for marshmallows and seemed fine, at around 11:30pm, she sat next to me on the sofa and her side was moving quickly for about 10 seconds (as if fast breathing). There were no other symptoms but I got worried and started to wonder if she had an infection or something. I asked my partner to get some water and ham. I got the emergency vets number, but as she drank the water, ate the ham.. she seemed OK so we didn't take her to the vet. She walked off upstairs to lay in the hall (one of her fave spots), so we kept an eye on her for over an hour, she seemed fine so we went to bed.
The next morning, she seemed fine and was meowing at me for my breakfast so I commented that she had “perked up”. Her tail was up and she was following me around as usual. I thought she was alright and it’d be a case of some antibiotics or the vet saying it was something minor! We took her to the vet. An x-ray was done and fluid was found around her lungs. We agreed to thoracentesis and a stay in intensive care. As the vet tried to drain the fluid, Sooty was getting weak and couldn't be sedated further. The vet diagnosed her with HCM (hypertrophic cardiomyopathy) secondary to her hyperthyroid and congestive heart failure and recommended that we let her go as she felt she wouldnt make it.
We all went to say goodbye and I stayed with her whilst she went to sleep. It was the worst day of my life.
I am struggling without her so much, because I adored her and I feel that she was always there for me, but when she needed me most and tried to tell me, I let her down. I looked after her the best I could in life and can’t believe it’s come to this. Id dreamed of her passing away naturally from old age, not me missing all the signs and feeling like I let her die.
I know hindsight is an amazing thing and all of the above felt like small things at the time, but I'm now wondering why I didn't put it all together, be more alert or just call the vet to check. I was also busy with my children during the week and worry that I may have missed something.
I cant get over how perky she seemed before the vets. Each time ive taken her in to be put under anaesthetic, I worried she would pass away (worried because of her age) but this time I was convinced it’d be a routine trip for something minor and she’d be coming home.
I always knew I wouldnt take her death well, but Im so shocked by the amount of grief and guilt I’m consumed by. I have lost half a stone, cry loads and feel very down.
Im sorry my story is so very long!!
RIP Sooty 29/3/2001-7/4/2018
My beautiful girl. Here she is:
Sooty was in my life for 17 years. I got her when I was 14, from that moment, it was love. I moved out of my family home when I had my own family (I left her with my other cat as not fair to seperate them). When my other cat passed away, she came to live with me again (2014). She settled in straight away and we all felt so happy to have her here. She was in good health for a couple of years, but we soon noticed her losing weight, drinking a lot and going crazy for our food. Our vet couldnt decide what was wrong but after numerous tests she was diagnosed with gastro intestional issues and put on a special diet. We took her to a new vet, who suspected Hyperthyroidism. She was put on meds and the improvement was great. She was at the vets every 6 months having blood tests and was last in in November having a dental and all seemed fine at consultation/pre-op/thyroid bloods/general anaesthetic etc. Generally, she seemed very well on her meds and special diet!
Around the end of March, we noticed that Sooty had ‘stood funny’ a couple of times (head down a bit), but had no signs anything was wrong. I mentioned it to my partner who said she seemed fine and I felt I was being silly.
Sooty had her 17th birthday on 29th March, seemed perfectly fine and was eating well. In the next couple of days, she had 2 tiny bad bellies- as she had gastro issues, sometimes she’d had a little flare up if she’d got something she shouldnt have, like milk!
My mum came to stay for Easter and commented that Sooty had lost a bit of weight since the month before. My mums other cat was the same weight wise, although in good health years before passing, so she said its prob just her age. I mentioned her bad tummy and said if she has it once more, shes going to the vets! The next day, her toilet seemed fine again!
Over the next couple of days life went on as normal - it was the school Easter Hols and I was trying my best to get the children out and keep them entertained. A couple of days when we got home, id noticed that Sooty had either picked at her food or not eaten it. I told myself it was down to her bad tummy and felt she’d be back to her usual self very soon- shes had a couple of times where shes grazed for a couple of days then got her appetite back, so I felt this was the same! She seemed fine in herself, coming for evening cuddles/being around the family etc.
Friday 6th - for dinner I cooked her some chicken to try and encourage her to eat more, she sniffed it and walked off.. I found it very odd but I had (unusually) microwave defrosted it as it was still a little frozen in the fridge and thought that may be why! She returned and had a bit of a nibble, so that put my mind at ease.
That eve, Sooty came to sit with me.. was meowing at me for marshmallows and seemed fine, at around 11:30pm, she sat next to me on the sofa and her side was moving quickly for about 10 seconds (as if fast breathing). There were no other symptoms but I got worried and started to wonder if she had an infection or something. I asked my partner to get some water and ham. I got the emergency vets number, but as she drank the water, ate the ham.. she seemed OK so we didn't take her to the vet. She walked off upstairs to lay in the hall (one of her fave spots), so we kept an eye on her for over an hour, she seemed fine so we went to bed.
The next morning, she seemed fine and was meowing at me for my breakfast so I commented that she had “perked up”. Her tail was up and she was following me around as usual. I thought she was alright and it’d be a case of some antibiotics or the vet saying it was something minor! We took her to the vet. An x-ray was done and fluid was found around her lungs. We agreed to thoracentesis and a stay in intensive care. As the vet tried to drain the fluid, Sooty was getting weak and couldn't be sedated further. The vet diagnosed her with HCM (hypertrophic cardiomyopathy) secondary to her hyperthyroid and congestive heart failure and recommended that we let her go as she felt she wouldnt make it.
We all went to say goodbye and I stayed with her whilst she went to sleep. It was the worst day of my life.
I am struggling without her so much, because I adored her and I feel that she was always there for me, but when she needed me most and tried to tell me, I let her down. I looked after her the best I could in life and can’t believe it’s come to this. Id dreamed of her passing away naturally from old age, not me missing all the signs and feeling like I let her die.
I know hindsight is an amazing thing and all of the above felt like small things at the time, but I'm now wondering why I didn't put it all together, be more alert or just call the vet to check. I was also busy with my children during the week and worry that I may have missed something.
I cant get over how perky she seemed before the vets. Each time ive taken her in to be put under anaesthetic, I worried she would pass away (worried because of her age) but this time I was convinced it’d be a routine trip for something minor and she’d be coming home.
I always knew I wouldnt take her death well, but Im so shocked by the amount of grief and guilt I’m consumed by. I have lost half a stone, cry loads and feel very down.
Im sorry my story is so very long!!
RIP Sooty 29/3/2001-7/4/2018
My beautiful girl. Here she is:
Our cats bring us so much love and joy but the pain when they leave is unbearable. As you said the hurt is equal to the love, that is so true.
