Skittish Still at 10 Months

[bunnelina]

Our feral kitten Wendy is a beautiful 10-month-old now. She was born of a wild mother and trapped at about 8 weeks. When we adopted her, she was easily terrified and settled down in a crate for about a week. Then she started going psycho to get out and explore. We let her out too soon, and she learned to run and hide from us. And now she is still not fully socialized. Although she is making progress by the fraction of a millimeter every day.

I could use some tips and advice for getting her to be more relaxed around us. I realize she may never become a cuddly lap cat, like our other feral kitten. But I wish she'd stop regarding me as Evil Mommy. And learn to enjoy life more!

The Positives:

1. She loves our other three cats.
2. She has never scratched or bitten us, or hissed or growled when we hold her or give her medication
3. She sneaks up behind my desk chair and swats my backside when she's bored.
4. She plays with toys with us and takes treats from our hands.
5. She purrs when we pet her
6. When she's hiding under the bed, she purrs when I play with her feet, which are all I can reach.

.
The Issues

1. She often takes off if we come too near, unless she's sleepy.
2. When we miss her and want to cuddle we sometimes have to track her slowly around and around the room until she flops over on one side and lets us pick her up and pet her. Then she curls up and purrs like a loud car engine until she's ready to leave.
3. Lots of cringing and flinching when we try to touch her.
4. She is skittish when we're in the kitchen feeding her, like we'll punish her for eating. For the record, none of our cats has ever been punished. When they are "bad," — like, spilling their whole water dish for the umpteenth time, I lecture them in my Maggie Smith voice!

I don't know what her life was like before we adopted her, but we wish she'd settle in and enjoy her very loving, gentle environment. We're beginning to think she's not clever enough to realize how good she has it. The other cats have us wrapped around their paws and it's hard to understand how she can watch them savor all the attention and not relate that to herself.

I avoid putting my open hand toward her when I try to pet her, and I avoid eye contact, and talk to her quietly. She'll settle down a few feet from us but doesn't like to come closer.

Any tips? Thanks for reading this long message!

 

[MoochNNoodles]

I don't know that I have anything too helpful to say; but one of my cats was just skittish by nature. She was never ferrell and had a loving home (from a cousin's litter) before we adopted her. My Mom nicknamed her "Beans" because Mom said she always reminded her of jumping beans. She was just a one person cat and she would prefer she came to you; not you to her. She spent a lot of time in my room when in the house and was very loving with me; but she was skittish till the day she died! We just learned to live with her tendencies I guess. I have missed her every day since she crossed the bridge in 2002.

 

[sk_pacer]

It may just be her normal nature. I have littermates, full brothers, and one is an unmitigated nuisance who demands attention, climbs in vehicles, insists on 'helping' with chores and the other is a reserved, shy cat who wants attention on his terms. He politely walks up, gives a tentative rub then sits for cat petting time, and when he has had enough, he gets up and walks away quietly and sits under something where I cannot get. They were raised the same, treated the same as kittens nothing different in the treatment. I was so enthralled with the shy guy that I tried to make him more of a pet, but he didn't accept it as well as his brother. I would sit with them for a while every day (these are working cats) and the pesky brother learned to crawl all over me, and the shy one would sit shyly at my feet and purr and look at me. I figured he was happy so let him be and he now has come around to the point I mentioned earlier.

I figure yours is one of those reserved cats that only want attention on their terms, particularly in light of the first part of your post - the purring, playing and allowing hand feeding. Love her for what she is and leave it at that.

 

[bunnelina]

Originally Posted by sk_pacer

I figure yours is one of those reserved cats that only want attention on their terms, particularly in light of the first part of your post - the purring, playing and allowing hand feeding. Love her for what she is and leave it at that.

Thanks for your thoughts and interesting story. Thing is, she won't ask for affection on her own terms but is often grateful for it at the random times we offer it. I know I can't expect to change her too much, but I have this feeling that she believes she's a second-class citizen around here, which gets in the way of her enjoying herself. She really likes being petted, for example. I walked over to where she was lying on the floor just now, and bent over and started petting her. She didn't cringe or try to run. She purred like mad and rolled onto her back until one of the other cats made a noise and she jumped away. I wish she felt free enough to ask for that when she's in the mood, instead of only when I decide to give her some affection. I also wish she'd be more relaxed about eating around us.

In other words, she's not a typical skittish cat, she seems betwixt and between, and I'd like to encourage her to ask for attention and be less fearful of us.

 

[otto]

I am sure she is a very happy cat. It sounds like you are doing all you can, and moving in the right direction. You can't compare her to other cats, even other rescued feral kittens, every cat is different.

Cats don't think the way a human might. She's not thinking "geesh life could be better if only I could...." "man I hate being the bottom cat around here" nor is she thinking "wow I really have it made here". She's just living her life as best she can.

Cats do have a hierarchy, and as such one has to be on top and one on the bottom. It's fine if she accepts that position.

My advice is just keep on the way you are and let her develop at her own pace. She may always be skittish, some cats are just natural scaredy cats.

My mother rescued a feral kitten at about 2 months old. It took Posy over 2 years to really settle in and come out and about at all. According to my mother she is still the bottom cat, but no longer has to be caged at night for her own protection. I've never seen Posy though, as she hides when strangers come over.

 

[stephanietx]

She's still young enough that she's got some kitten in her and snuggling is not high on her agenda. My wild girl has finally settled down at 6yrs old and likes to snuggle, but on her terms. She doesn't like to be held for more than about 3.26 seconds, but she'll gladly come and lay on my chest while I'm on the computer when she wants some lovins.

Just give her time and don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. She trusts you if she's not scratched you and allows you to give her meds. One thing you might do is talk to her as you're near her or approaching her so she knows you're coming.

 

[bunnelina]

Thanks for your suggestions!

It's funny, I read other posts about how people have these wild, destructive kittens, and I look at mine, who lie around like lumps much of the time, and haven't been goofballs since they were about 6 months old. Very sedate, these two, although I try to play with them whenever they're remotely in the mood. I'm actually jealous of the people who have crazy kittens — that's what I signed on for when I got two. And instead I have Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip.

stephanietx, I really appreciate your insights into how cats think, or don't think. I hadn't considered that at all. Wendy is the bottom cat, not that she seems to mind. I hope that doesn't mean she thinks she not entitled to climb all over us, as the others do!

I will continue to be her "Evil Mommy" and feed her treats, find all her missing toys, pet her, play with her and tell her how perfect she is a thousand times a day. Maybe someday she'll decide to relax. A couple of times she's started purring as I talked to her, which is a good sign, I guess.

 

[strange_wings]

When you first got her and let her out, you let her out into the house instead of a smaller room, correct? If so, that's possibly the only thing you did wrong that could have influenced her a little. The meds probably didn't help - you didn't give them in the kitchen, did you?

Now all you can do is just keep working on her. Give her treat bribes and use toys to bring her in closer to you. I find string works really well with mine.

I have three that were feral, caught at ~7weeks. They're all very friendly with DH and I, and my BIL to a good degree. They personalities are "stuck up my butt", "typical friendly teen male kitten", and "distant but friendly". The latter being a female kitten that is just reserved in all of her behavior. She still runs from me and will sometimes look at me like I'm going to hurt her.

Other times she mews and comes running up to me. I've woken up to her butt in my face because she'll snuggle up in the morning. All I can do is keep giving her attention, treats, and playtime... and belly rubs - I literally tamed her with belly rubs.

 

[merrytreecats]

Cats who are born to ferals who have been feral several generations are more seem to have more trouble adjusting. They are naturally of a wilder personality, in general. I had a cat like this once, my dad found her alone in the cold as a kitten at his workplace, where there had been a feral colony living there for years. He brought her home, she was about 7 weeks old. She was raised lovingly by us but never became an affectionate cat. She was aloof and preferred her alone time.

In your case, I think, you just need to love her for how she is now, and accept that this may be the farthest you get with her. You know it isn't anything you did; I think things like whether she was allowed the run of the house or not as a kitten don't impact the personality later on to this degree. You've done your best to reach out to her and I think that any progress at this point in time will only come very, very slowly. i mean years.

 

[strange_wings]

Originally Posted by merrytreecats

I think things like whether she was allowed the run of the house or not as a kitten don't impact the personality later on to this degree.

A very basic part of taming feral kittens is keeping them in a smaller environment, whether that be a very large cage, a bathroom, or a room like a bedroom - then having plenty of close (as possible) daily contact with them. So yes, not imprinting closely on a kitten when it's young enough to be more accepting of it does play a part. Letting them out too early, or right away, into a larger space where they can constantly run from you just lets them continue doing that.

 

[white cat lover]

Sounds like Gumby!

She was 6 weeks old & feral when I got her. It took a long time to socialize her. She'll let me pet her, but only me (she has run down & attacked family members when she felt cornered).

Now, at 8 months, she's far more independent than she used to be. I'm waiting to see if this is a "teenage phase" or not.

I keep doing my normal routine, pet her, give her treats, play with her, etc. She gets wet food in the evenings, I sit by her while she eats & pet her (only way she gets to eat the wet food is if I pet her, thankfully she's incredibly food motivated).

 

[bunnelina]

Originally Posted by strange_wings

When you first got her and let her out, you let her out into the house instead of a smaller room, correct? If so, that's possibly the only thing you did wrong that could have influenced her a little. The meds probably didn't help - you didn't give them in the kitchen, did you?

Now all you can do is just keep working on her. Give her treat bribes and use toys to bring her in closer to you. I find string works really well with mine.

I have three that were feral, caught at ~7weeks. They're all very friendly with DH and I, and my BIL to a good degree. They personalities are "stuck up my butt", "typical friendly teen male kitten", and "distant but friendly". The latter being a female kitten that is just reserved in all of her behavior. She still runs from me and will sometimes look at me like I'm going to hurt her.

Other times she mews and comes running up to me. I've woken up to her butt in my face because she'll snuggle up in the morning. All I can do is keep giving her attention, treats, and playtime... and belly rubs - I literally tamed her with belly rubs.

So, do you have a secret camera in my house, or are you psychic?

Yes, we gave her the run of our (small) apartment, and yes, she got lots of meds in our tiny kitchen. We had lots of illness around here last fall, as you may remember! Very interesting observation there, thanks!

I said I wanted a "project" when I adopted Wendy, because I was mourning a cat I'd nursed for a long time and needed someone to look after. I sure got a "project." I celebrate victories, like the time she squeaked back at me after I said hello to her. I think she's settling in, one molecule at a time. I just get impatient sometimes. I've started calling her "Snugglepuss" because I believe cats' names affect their character. I'll try ANYTHING!

 

[strange_wings]

I'm curious as to how small your small apartment is?
I don't let my cats into all of the rooms in my house (such as the gecko room) so that drops down their space to closer to around 900-ish to 1000 sqft (I'm not going to check the exact measurement). If I had let the kittens loose I would have never tamed them.

They started out in a very large cage in my gecko room and at 12 weeks were let out with the other cats. By that point they knew I didn't want to hurt them and there was some trust. Simply put, I kind of pushed them into getting over their fear.

I've used this method with 10 kittens in the past.

I figured you gave meds in the kitchen because I have, too. I also gave some amoxi drops in the den and now have pink stains that will not come up out of the cream colored carpet - let that be a warning to others.

All you can do there is make her re-associated the kitchen and you in it with good things... or hope she eventually forgets.

Are there places/surfaces that she is completely comfortable with you approaching her while she's on them? Such as a cat tree or bed? If so you could try walking up to her each day (and build up to several times a day), give her a few pets and a treat, then walk away. If she really likes treats she may bug you for more attention and you could make progress quickly. The idea is to make her feel more in control of the interaction so she doesn't run - you want to get her out of that habit as much as possible.

 

[bunnelina]

Originally Posted by strange_wings

I'm curious as to how small your small apartment is?
I don't let my cats into all of the rooms in my house (such as the gecko room) so that drops down their space to closer to around 900-ish to 1000 sqft (I'm not going to check the exact measurement). If I had let the kittens loose I would have never tamed them.

They started out in a very large cage in my gecko room and at 12 weeks were let out with the other cats. By that point they knew I didn't want to hurt them and there was some trust. Simply put, I kind of pushed them into getting over their fear.

I've used this method with 10 kittens in the past.

I figured you gave meds in the kitchen because I have, too. I also gave some amoxi drops in the den and now have pink stains that will not come up out of the cream colored carpet - let that be a warning to others.

All you can do there is make her re-associated the kitchen and you in it with good things... or hope she eventually forgets.

Are there places/surfaces that she is completely comfortable with you approaching her while she's on them? Such as a cat tree or bed? If so you could try walking up to her each day (and build up to several times a day), give her a few pets and a treat, then walk away. If she really likes treats she may bug you for more attention and you could make progress quickly. The idea is to make her feel more in control of the interaction so she doesn't run - you want to get her out of that habit as much as possible.

It's 780 square feet. We keep 8 big storage tubs under our very high bed, or we would never be able to live here! We also have 200 feet of bookshelves, and lots of books on the floor! We need to move...

We should have kept Wendy in her crate for at least another week or two, but she was climbing the walls and yelling her head off, and she seemed so comfortable with us... oh, well. And then Possum arrived. He took one look at the crate and said, "You've got to be joking." He was a lap cat from Hour 1. I hoped he would calm Wendy; who knows, maybe he has.

I've been doing just what you advised this week; there are places where she feels "safe" — lying in front of the fireplace (who knows why) and on the bed, esp. if other cats are there. We are both petting her briefly several times a day there, and get lots of purring. I pick her up less but I often get about 3 feet from her and talk to her from there. And I think she likes that. We also play with ribbons. But my husband can't resist holding her. I let him do it provided she seems to be in the mood and not likely to run/hide or get all cringey. I'm going to start giving her treats when we pet her — this is a great idea, thanks! She already sits up and takes them from my hand.

I really shouldn't complain. She is gorgeous, sweet, smart, funny. She does seem to get a little less skittish every day, but it's about one molecule at a time! We both live for the day when she comes up to us for attention!

 

[strange_wings]

780sqft isn't too bad - you could certainly have worse. But if you've been there a while you start acquiring more and more stuff.

I wish you luck in hunting for a new place.

Since she's already older now, and more independent, all you can do it just try your best to engage her in interacting with you. I'm glad to hear that approaching her in places she feels comfortable is working.
I have found that smarter kitties tend to be the more cautious ones.. that's probably what makes them smarter.

Tell your husband to start slipping her some treats when he wants to hold her or to gently engage her with a toy when she's on his lap or sitting beside him. I have one that I still have to bribe and lure to me, but then she'll also hop up on the couch beside me or sometimes surprise me by climbing in my lap and actually asking to be held. I usually sew, do bead work, or fold laundry when sitting on the couch watching tv and will let her play with whatever I have in my hands - whether it's a piece of string, fabric, a string of beads, or a sock (she's the only cat in the house gentle enough not to try to eat items

) and she really enjoys that.
Finding what your girl likes the best - whether it be shoulder scratches, chin scratches, or belly rubs, and giving her lots of those can help.

It's little steps, but she'll get there in time. And while she'll always be a bit skittish she should eventually stop running from you or acting like she doesn't trust you.