Shocked and devastated- My beloved Sparkles

joyfulrose

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I truly cannot believe I am making this post right now. Yesterday May 25th, 2020, I had to say goodbye to another one of my babies. Her name was Sparkles and she was 18 years old. I am shocked and heart broken. Sparkles was my second oldest of 4 cats. A year and a half ago I lost my oldest baby named Rosie and that absolutely broke me, till this day my heart still aches, it was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. It was the first time ever losing a pet.
I promised myself after what happened with Rosie, because of how traumatizing it was, I made a promise that I wouldn't let any vet convince me to put another one of my cats to sleep if it had come to it. I wanted with all my heart to let her pass on her own when the time came because I always felt so guilty and horrible for having to accept the decision of putting her to sleep, even though I knew deep down in my heart something was wrong and my baby was very very sick. It was my first time ever going through losing a pet and it was the most devastating experience. I kept hoping that the rest of my other 3 cats stay healthy for a long long time because I can't go through that again. My heart cannot handle it.
Unfortunately, no matter how much I hoped, another one of my babies fell ill. It happened so quick I just can't believe it. Sparkles was always so healthy and active. She loved to run around and play all the time, she was elderly but that never stopped her. In fact, I have never seen an elderly cat run around and play the way she did. Sparkles was 16 years old at the time I lost my sweet Rosie, but she never had any issues. She always ate exceptionally well, never had any litter box problems, she was just an all around healthy and strong cat.
Now 1.5 years later, at 18 years old everything changed drastically. A couple months ago she started vomiting up brown liquid with a very strong odor. I thought she had an upset stomach because I had given her some treats on accident with an expired sell by date. This continued to happen a few more times here and there and then she just stopped vomiting and was doing a lot better About a month or two later she then started urinating and sometimes defecating outside of her litter box that worried me because she had never done that before. 2 weeks ago I got her a new litter box because I thought maybe she just didnt want to go in her other one anymore. The new litter box helped a lot. there were a few times when she still went outside of the litter box but for the most part she would use the litter box anytime she needed to urinate. I started to notice about a week ago that she wasnt defecting as regularly as she used to, and when she did it was very dark, hard and small.. I had seen the same thing with my Rosie when she was near the end. There were a few times when I also noticed she was trying to push and pass stool but couldn't (Rosie also did this the last 2 days) I started to worry a lot because she was showing similar signs that Rosie had shown. I did everything I could to get her to have regular bowel movements, I gave her more wet food, lots of water, she would go every 2 or 3 days and it would be small and hard again. About 3 days ago she began to lose interest in her food,she always had a great appetite, i never had to worry that she was eating too little but that suddenly changed she would only eat a little bit here and there and day by day she ate less. I tried so much to get her to eat i tried to syringe feed her, I gave her treats and nutri cal. But she began to look thinner and thinner no matter what I did and soon I started to feel every bone in her body, she also seemed to start to lose strength in her hind legs, that happened suddenly, and by the second day she could hardly put any weight on her back legs. Then she quickly began to wobble when she walked( i also saw this with my Rosie at the end) two nights before her last day she just seemed so weak and no longer able to get from place to place as easily as she used to. She could no longer jump, and when she walked her head would shake, i don't know if it was because had gotten so thin or what exactly but she started to look very very thin and when i pet her i couldn't feel anything but bones.The last day was the hardest and scariest for me. To me she looked like she was dying, the morning of the last day she was refusing all food and all water completely. It was like her mouth was frozen shut, I tried to give her some baby food but she hardly let me get anything in. As the hours went on she would walk a few wobbly steps then lay down. She went to lay in a dark closet away from everyone and everything. She had this dead look in her eyes, she was not reacting to anything or anyone around her. Her eyes were sunken. About an hour or so later she could no long stand up or move at all, she fell and laid on her side with the same look on her face. It looked like she couldn't see, she just laid there like that and it was like her entire body gave out completely, like it was no longer functioning. My heart broke when i realized how slow her heart was beating and how slow her breathing was. I tried to carry her but she was completely floppy, and felt like nothing but bones, she looked like she could pass at any moment and she looked like she was suffering. I just couldn't watch her waste away any further so I took her to the ER vet. She was still not moving at all, her body had lost all function. I was not allowed to go in with her at the ER vet due to the coronavirus, I had to wait in the car for the ER doc to examine her then he would call me and tell me what he thinks. I already knew what he was going to tell me. I knew that there would be no coming back from this. She already looked dead even though she was still breathing and her heart was beating but she looked frozen. When the doctor called me he told me that my sweet sparkles was very very ill. He thinks she may have cancer, kidney disease, some kind of metabolic disease, or multi organ failure. He said the best thing to do would be to put her to sleep. He said this is not something that can get better and if he did a blood test all it would be for was me, but he told me that sparkles looks like she wants to die and he said if i let her pass at home her death would be extremely painful and she will suffer a lot. She was already suffering. I knew in my heart I couldn't let her suffer any further this way, she looked like she would have passed at any moment, she was down to 4lbs, her vision was shot, her body was no longer functioning. The vet described her attitude as Obtunded. I agreed that it would be kinder and best to put her to sleep because I just couldn't let her suffer any more pain than she had already. They brought her out for me to say Goodbye and when i saw her,she couldnt lift her head it was down and floppy she still couldnt move, she was at the very end. I know this was the right thing to do, the kindest thing to do. As hard as it is to have to make that choice, I knew that was already dying her mouth had become pale and purplish, she was not going to make it for much longer, i know in my heart that this was the right thing to do, though I promised myself before I wouldn't let another vet convince me to do it, it would have been horrible of me to let her suffer further.
I am devastated that it had to be this way. I can't believe I have lost 2 cats in less than 2 years. All of my kitties are seniors so I know of course they aren't gonna live forever, but it's so hard losing two of my babies so close to each other. I started with 4 beautiful cats and now I have 2... It's so sad :(
RIP my beautiful angel Sparkles, I love you very much ❤
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sabian

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I'm so sorry for your loss. There's nothing I can really say to ease to pain your feeling. Only time will take care of that. I know what your going through. I lost 2 cats a few years back. One in Nov. of 2016 and the next in Feb. of 2017. They were the only 2 I had and I felt so lost and questioned every decision I made. You did the right thing in putting her to sleep. She had lived her life and it was a long life for a kitty. I'm sure she knew she was loved and she's in a much better place and no longer in pain. She'll always live on in your heart and I'm sure she's watching over you and she wouldn't want you to be sad. You gave her a great life! She was a beautiful girl! Rest in peace Sparkles...Fly to the Angels! You try and relax and get some rest. Just take it day by day. God Bless.
 

Floyd and hendrix

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Yes our physical machines wear out. Sparkles looks like she hasn't gone anywhere, she will b right by your side. Another option is you can ask the vet to come to you. It is expensive, but helps the guilt and what ifs. Give your two remaining kitties love love love and well wishes for your broken heart.
 

di and bob

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Oh, joyfulrose joyfulrose , my heart breaks for what you have gone through. You know deep in your heart you did the right thing, there was no way you could let that sweet girl suffer one more minute.....The signs were there, there was no cure, no coming back. The only thing left was the suffering, and somehow you found the strength to end that pain.
She lived 18 glorious years, not near enough for you, but she had everything she always wanted...your love. I know how much it hurts when they have to leave us, I hope you can take comfort in knowing she is at peace because she was so loved and always will be.
She will always be near, the love you shared was from the heart, was spiritual, so eternal. None of us are guaranteed another day, the way to truly living is to treat each and every day as if it is the last. Remember, that precious little girl would never want you to be so sad. Just as you would want for her to go with life and find happiness and joy, so she wants for you.
The greatest gift we can give someone is to remember and love them after they go, so continue to use the precious memories of the past to bring you comfort and in time these will take over the crushing sadness you are experiencing right now. Do not feel regret or guilt for things left undone or all those what-ifs. The past is set and cannot be changed, it does absolutely no good to anguish over things that cannot be changed.
She is as close as your thoughts and prayers, the love she left with you will live on through your memories. Add it to Rosie's and the two remaining little ones you love right now, and to any new loves in the future. These are all a magnificent gift, to be shared so it can multiply and fill the emptiness in your soul. She is with Rosie now, they will have their joyful reunion and keep each other company through the years. They are safe and at peace.
I cry with you because I know the pain. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers and I will be with you in spirit through these sad days. There are many who have lost the ones we love, we will all support and be with you, we are legion.....RIP beautiful Sparkles. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 

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I'm very sorry to read this. It's so hard to make the decision to let them go, even when we know that's the most loving thing to do for them. My heart goes out to you.

Sparkles was a beautiful kitty. Rest in peace, little one. :rbheart:
 

les26

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This was very tough to read, she held out as long as she could but she had to move on and where she is now she is fine, just fine, no more pain or suffering and she looks nothing like you last saw her, she is well again, so try to think of that rather than the last picture in your mind of her. It is always so so hard to have to "play God" and make the life or death decisions, but she was not well despite you taking care of her, and losing one so soon after the other is so tough, we lost Simon May 2014 and then Sebastian November 2015 which also was 1.5 years later and that hit us HARD, they were great boys and to see them sick at the end was very tough, but I have a constant reminder of them both as the little fella in my avatar Sylvester is a 50/50 mixture of the two of them, Tuxedo like Simon and long haired and a plume of a tail like Sebastian, so they are still here somewhat "physically" as well as spiritually with us, just as Sparkles is with you, she loved her life there and her spirit will visit you I am sure.

I know I say this a lot but the homeopathic remedy Ignatia Amara helps with the intense grief, shock and pain, it might help you too and has no side effects like drugs do.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

I am so sorry for your loss of that little one, but she is fine now, just fine, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....:alright: :grouphug2: :rbheart:
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Sparkles, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

I'm feeling a little gutted right now. Thank you for being brave enough to rethink your previous decision and not let her suffer longer, it was incredibly brave of you. And Sparkles, from that Place Where All Things Are Known, blesses you for it, and sends her Love back to you to comfort you. It is with you always.
 

Tik cat's mum

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I'm so sorry for your loss. Sparkles had a long life and loving home, you gave her that. And you made the right choice not to let her suffer anymore because of love. I'm sure she knows that. R.I.P Sparkles :rbheart:
 

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I am so sorry. You made the right choice to let her go to the Rainbow Bridge... it is the most unselfish and hardest decision anyone can make. I pray that time will heal and you will feel her presence beside you and in your heart always. Fly free, Sparkles.
 
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joyfulrose

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Thank you everyone, I appreciate every reply.


Hi how are you going today?
To be honest, I still feel like I'm in shock, I'm absolutely heart broken, and I just feel so empty without my babies. It really hurts a lot losing two of my cats so close to each other. I'm devastated that it had to be this way. I miss them both so much 😭
 

Meowmee

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Thank you everyone, I appreciate every reply.



To be honest, I still feel like I'm in shock, I'm absolutely heart broken, and I just feel so empty without my babies. It really hurts a lot losing two of my cats so close to each other. I'm devastated that it had to be this way. I miss them both so much 😭
I am so sorry💔😿 I know how hard this is for you. Do you have other kitties to keep you company and help you through this? There is a great forum at the rainbow bridge site for pet loss too.
 

Floyd and hendrix

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Thank you everyone, I appreciate every reply.



To be honest, I still feel like I'm in shock, I'm absolutely heart broken, and I just feel so empty without my babies. It really hurts a lot losing two of my cats so close to each other. I'm devastated that it had to be this way. I miss them both so much 😭
im not sure where you are re all of the other outer chaos going on. can you tuck in at home and just have pyjama days if you have to?
is there someone who doesnt make light of it that can give you hugs? make sure you are keeping your nutrition up and take your time with your grieving and talk to them everyday and in your dreams. create your own rituals to honour them? and dont be ashamed of your sorrow. i hope that you can feel better soon, even with a heavy heart. i believe these creatures teach us how to be vunerable when they leave us so only let other good human hearts into your orbit. take care
 

di and bob

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Of course you are, it takes a long time to heal a broken heart......,Just try to remember they are at peace now because they have your love. Maybe do something to make you feel a little better about yourself, give a small donation to the local shelter or pay for a cat's adoption fee that's been there the longest in your little one's names. It helps to do something in their remembrance. You have your other little ones who are grieving too in their own way. Let them comfort and love you, you know that nothing is forever and they need you too.....
 

les26

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Please research and try the Ignatia Amara, it works with your body and helps calm down the nerves and eases the shock and grief but it is not a drug, it doesn't numb you it works with you and there are no side effects. Many people think that homeopathic is just "sugar pills" but I don't, and have had great success with it, it lets you carry on a bit better, you know that the stress is still there but you can deal with it better and more clearly.

I know how you feel, I hope it eases somewhat each day...... :alright: :rbheart:
 

neely

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I know this was the right thing to do, the kindest thing to do. As hard as it is to have to make that choice,
You gave her love and devotion right up until the end. It is by far the kindest act you made to not let her suffer anymore. :hugs: One which tugs at our heartstrings and leaves a void that cannot be erased. But her memories will be with you forever and she is running pain free at the Bridge now. RIP sweet angel.:angel:
 
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joyfulrose

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It's been 1 month and 4 days now. I'm still devastated about losing my darling sparkles.

I've been going through all her photos and can't help but cry...
This is the oldest photo I have of my sweet sparkles, she was so young here maybe just 1-2 years old
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And this was one of the more recent ones when she was still healthy, from Sept 2019- six months before she started to get ill :(
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I miss her so much....
I miss both of my sweet girls so so much.... 💔

There's so much I want to say but I feel numb and empty and so very sad. I still can't believe any of this happened. I can't believe I lost two of my beloved cats who I grew up with and shared so many years of my life with. I wish that this was all just a horrible nightmare and that I could wake up and see my sweet babies again :(
 

Floyd and hendrix

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aw we so feel the hole in your heart. we were wondering about how you are going with things. looking through photos is good and crying it out. our human had to go to the beach so no one would see/hear her wailing. she still cries and talks to her cats that have gone everyday and its been a long time now. her last one was the love of all of all of her lives. we are here sharing the pain of your loss and we will still be here when you can muster a smile when remembering them. meow, floyd and hendrix
 
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