Severe post adoption anxiety after adopting a kitten

[ArtNJ]

This doesn't sound so bad. If the older cat completely hated/feared the kitten, he would leave or charge/swat when the kitten was merely in the room, never mind 3 feet. I think or at least hope your getting close-ish to the "fine when the kitten isn't actively bothering the older cat" stage. Getting to toleration (or closeish) can be a long slow road, but it sounds like you've taken some steps. I know you dont want to see your older cat stressed, but stressed-only-when-actively-being-bothered isn't so bad, if your there or getting close. Its a normal stopping post on the road.

I guess I'd say this. Its clear its not going to be quick. These things often take quite a while. If your not at ok when not being bothered, it may take a while to get there, and the ok when not being bothered stage can really really linger. Usually one can get at least 95% of the way to full toleration, but issues can persist when the younger cat bothers the older cat. Usually that diminishes some, and the whole thing gradually becomes more bearable, but it doesn't necessarily totally go away. So I think its time for a deap think on your part -- can you adjust your perspective a bit, or is this just going to be a nagging burr that is going to keep your anxiety at a boil and slowly drive you crazy? Be honest with yourself and your partner. I think you can do it, but if you can't, now is the best time to make that decision and rehome the kitten.

 

[dearjohn_95]

With an adult cat and a kitten, sometimes they never get along, sometimes they just tolerate one another. If it's bothering you that much, your feelings are just as important as your partner's feelings. I was INCREDIBLY attached to the kitten we tried to adopt years ago, but after trying all the techniques to introduce cats, it became clearer and clearer by the day that it wasn't working out. I had major anxiety about their interactions and my older cat was so stressed, in the end, it was just better for everyone involved, despite my attachment to the kitten. If you do feel like rehoming is the best option, see if you can find a friend who will take the kitten so you can visit and hear updates. This is what I did and it made things a lot easier.

Thank you! And yes yes yes, I had lots of anxiety about their interactions and emotions too. It did get better once in a while, but whenever they started to get intense, I immediately felt the tension in my body. I am not sure if I was just overreacting. I wish I could be more relaxed about this situation and I know it doesn't sound right, but I do feel a little guilty about being very stressed about their interactions. Part of me wants to make it work and make everyone happy, but I also can't ignore my true feelings.

 

[ArtNJ]

Your welcome. We understand, because we have been through this. Twice for me. The first time we didn't have a clue, and the second we found a stray and couldn't say no. Last time, I remember almost crying when close to two years later, the older cat finally played with the younger a tiny bit.

Anyway, I think you understand what to expect, so just time for a deap think and conversation. Whatever you decide will be the right choice.

 

[xkappax]

Rehoming is such a dirty word, but please don't feel guilty if you have to do it. I was DEVASTATED when I had to do it, I felt like a failure, but in the end, and looking back on it all these years later, it was most definitely the right decision. Don't let anyone make you feel bad if you have to do it. There are people that chuck their cats in a cardboard box on the side of the road because they can't handle them anymore, and you are not one of those people. You are someone who is trying everything and at the end of your rope, and now you're trying to find a responsible way to make this better for everyone.

ArtNJ is right, though, whatever you decide, after digging deep and figuring out what's best for everyone, will be the right choice. Just follow your heart and take into consideration the feelings of everyone, cat and person alike.

 

[Alldara]

D dearjohn_95

You should never feel guilty over responsibly rehoming if it comes to that. That IS the right thing to do sometimes.

I am going to come in with a different perspective. A ArtNJ and I very respectfully disagree on senior cats and introductions I think we have both come to learn of our times on this forum We just have two different perspectives.

First it is so SO normal to feel guilty and anxiety over both or one cat(s) during introductions. I did the first time, less so the second because I knew what to expect and had already an end result to look forward to.

For reference, I have a now, 16 year old cat. Two years ago, we introduced him to a 5 month old kitten, and last year, another 5 month old kitten. The reason I say you might want to rehome is the kitten's energy level may not lower until after 2 years and you are saying you are highly stressed which is not good for you.

Magnus, the first kitten, has turned Nobel's life around. He has made him younger and taught him so much. I never in my life imagined that Nobel would bond to another animal.

The first two weeks of introductions were hell. So stressful and everything. I don't know if you still have the kitten in your bedroom at night, but it may solve some jealousy to switch to having your cat in your room at night and letting the kitten have that bigger space to run around.

(PS. If you ever intro again, it's 110% okay to start new cats off in the bathroom - many people in 1 bedrooms do!)

Have you watched videos on YouTube to tell the difference between cat play and fighting? This will help with your anxiety over interactions. I recommend watching a few different creators. We revisited many how-to videos, even as experienced cat owners during Magnus's introduction because it helps to lower anxiety.

It took 6 months for us to let Magnus out at night, mostly because he was so much trouble. For Calcifer, he was well behaved and used to a full house, it was significantly shorter.

At first, Nobel prefered to watch Magnus play and would hiss if he came close. We would get Magnus really involved with a toy and then okay with Nobel so that he didn't have to move at all, just with a string on the couch. It was easier to do introduction session with 2 people. One sitting right next to Nobel and "protecting" him and the other on kitten duty which involves a lot of play and following kitten around and correcting behaviour.

Later, once we learned both personalities we did area-focused divide and conquer. I watched the kitchen and the front area and my partner the living room. We kept Magnus from sniffing, poking at or anything when Nobel was eating or drinking and especially litter box time. Separately, we did train Magnus to sit, so we could ask for this during treat time.

We kept treats in our pockets (which were actually a different brand of dry food) and we gave one to Nobel whenever he looked at Magnus or let Magnus sit nearby him. Even if he hissed. Hissing means 'back off!' and isn't really agressive. It's just communication that means, "I don't like what you're doing."

Loads of enrichment is very helpful for both. Especially bird watching or people watching through windows and if you feed any dry food, using feeders or snuffle mats. You can make your own DIY ones. There's many videos if you prefer.

 

[dearjohn_95]

D dearjohn_95

You should never feel guilty over responsibly rehoming if it comes to that. That IS the right thing to do sometimes.

I am going to come in with a different perspective. A ArtNJ and I very respectfully disagree on senior cats and introductions I think we have both come to learn of our times on this forum We just have two different perspectives.

First it is so SO normal to feel guilty and anxiety over both or one cat(s) during introductions. I did the first time, less so the second because I knew what to expect and had already an end result to look forward to.

For reference, I have a now, 16 year old cat. Two years ago, we introduced him to a 5 month old kitten, and last year, another 5 month old kitten. The reason I say you might want to rehome is the kitten's energy level may not lower until after 2 years and you are saying you are highly stressed which is not good for you.

Magnus, the first kitten, has turned Nobel's life around. He has made him younger and taught him so much. I never in my life imagined that Nobel would bond to another animal.

The first two weeks of introductions were hell. So stressful and everything. I don't know if you still have the kitten in your bedroom at night, but it may solve some jealousy to switch to having your cat in your room at night and letting the kitten have that bigger space to run around.

(PS. If you ever intro again, it's 110% okay to start new cats off in the bathroom - many people in 1 bedrooms do!)

Have you watched videos on YouTube to tell the difference between cat play and fighting? This will help with your anxiety over interactions. I recommend watching a few different creators. We revisited many how-to videos, even as experienced cat owners during Magnus's introduction because it helps to lower anxiety.

It took 6 months for us to let Magnus out at night, mostly because he was so much trouble. For Calcifer, he was well behaved and used to a full house, it was significantly shorter.

Thanks for sharing your experience! We now let them both have the whole apartment - that was after about a month of the slow introduction, site swapping, and feeding together. We thought they needed to figure out how to set boundaries with each other, and we would discourage overly aggressive behaviors like chasing/cornering and repetitively swatting. The kitten definitely just wants to play - she always has her tail up and seems happy even after getting growled at, but the older cat just really doesn't like her and wants to be by herself. We tried lots of playtime to redirect her attention from our older cat to us/toys, but no toys can compare to a fluffy cat tail, lol. My concern is that as the kitten grows bigger, she will have even less fear of our resident cat, and she will start playing rougher... I know 2 or 3 months is not a very long time for cat introductions, but I am not sure if I should keep waiting for the potential progress.

 

[Alldara]

D dearjohn_95 Wow. That's actually amazing progress already! Good for you.

It sounds like kitten is likely a good personality for this. You want them to not be afraid, but to follow the 'back off' advice.

Since your partner is so determined to make this work, I'll provide some things to help lower resident cat and your, stress.

1. Provide resident cat at least 1 hour of closed door from kitten still per day. Try to keep it on a schedule. They will both learn to expect this time, likely nap deeply, but most importantly it less stress for resident cat go down, down down. Introductions are about stress reduction. Even humans have an adjustment period to living with someone new! This also teaches kitten that at X time of day, you provide space to your family members. When we first let Magnus out full time, he would still go to "his" room for a couple hours to sleep and look outside. Now, they nap at this time separately, but in the same room.

2. Try some electronic toys if you can for kitten. I got some off our local Buy Nothing group. Some to borrow and some to keep.

3. I found kibble tossing was an excellent way to wear a kitten out. I usually would drop one for Nobel close by to me and send Magnus zooming down the hallway..

4. See if your kitten responds to catnip or silvervine. Sometimes it can make zoomies happen when you want them, and sometimes it can mellow a kitten out. Either one works for planning once you know what happens, and resident cat may enjoy having some too.

 

[ArtNJ]

My concern is that as the kitten grows bigger, she will have even less fear of our resident cat, and she will start playing rougher... I know 2 or 3 months is not a very long time for cat introductions, but I am not sure if I should keep waiting for the potential progress.

I'd be fairly surprised if it got worse. Progress may be slow after you to get to the "only bothered when actively being annoyed" stage, but you should still see progress. Not totally recalling or sure I have this right, but I guess A Alldara feels that if you really work at it you can pretty much always get decent progress, whereas while I agree that her proposed interventions can only help and are good ideas, (some of them I've seen concrete evidence they can help, like adding elevated spaces), nonetheless sometimes it isn't enough and when your in one of these situations where the older cat is stressed by the concept of playing with the kitten, the kitten wont take no for an answer and the situation steems stubbornly set, then the main driver is the slow march of time as the kitten gets older. Mainly my perspective is yeah try all that stuff, but I just dont want you to feel like your doing something wrong if you can't get them to get along without stress, because sometimes this particular problem is very resistant and slow to improve. But "failure" is generally not so terrible, the slow march to toleration, *not* things erupting in a fight. And maybe you can do better; all cats are different.

Bottom line, I'd keep at it unless the stress is doing a number on you, because I think its likely it will be fairly slow to improve towards toleration, but that they will improve.

 

[dearjohn_95]

D dearjohn_95 Wow. That's actually amazing progress already! Good for you.

It sounds like kitten is likely a good personality for this. You want them to not be afraid, but to follow the 'back off' advice.

Since your partner is so determined to make this work, I'll provide some things to help lower resident cat and your, stress.

1. Provide resident cat at least 1 hour of closed door from kitten still per day. Try to keep it on a schedule. They will both learn to expect this time, likely nap deeply, but most importantly it less stress for resident cat go down, down down. Introductions are about stress reduction. Even humans have an adjustment period to living with someone new! This also teaches kitten that at X time of day, you provide space to your family members. When we first let Magnus out full time, he would still go to "his" room for a couple hours to sleep and look outside. Now, they nap at this time separately, but in the same room.

2. Try some electronic toys if you can for kitten. I got some off our local Buy Nothing group. Some to borrow and some to keep.

3. I found kibble tossing was an excellent way to wear a kitten out. I usually would drop one for Nobel close by to me and send Magnus zooming down the hallway..

4. See if your kitten responds to catnip or silvervine. Sometimes it can make zoomies happen when you want them, and sometimes it can mellow a kitten out. Either one works for planning once you know what happens, and resident cat may enjoy having some too.

Thanks for the advice! We definitely looked for toys/things that can keep the kitten occupied as long as possible, but she seemed to lose interest in toys pretty quickly. We will give electronic toys a try! We did kibble and treat tossing too lol, but the resident cat would get jealous and want to eat too (she already needs some weight management).

Honestly right now I just really hope the kitten can learn to respect others' boundaries and learn from being swatted and growled at, but that seems to ask a lot from a 5-month old.

 

[Alldara]

A ArtNJ We definitely agree on most points and to take the human stress level into consideration. Our only point of disagreement, I believe is the likelihood of success of integration for elder, senior and geriatric cats.

There's always outliers in ever situation, and Art expresses very valid concerns for many cats and humans. And there are some cats very much better left at being solo cats.

D dearjohn_95 Totally but she won't be 5 months forever. I remember thinking Magnus would never settle. We do play chase with him and peek-a-boo with him. It's not for everyone with their cats!

They get bored easily at that age. We had great luck with some recycled fur toys from Etsy. Also one of these: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B09GXY6S6M/?tag=
In rotation with a flopping fish toy
And a Catit track and motion sensor ball all on rotation.


Nobel was also on a weight loss diet, so we moved most of his dry food during this time to be reward based or movement based like kibble tossing. And we let him stay on maintenance rather than loss for a couple months. I don't know if that's recommended in your situation, so take that with a grain of salt. He actually still lost some weight during that time! A nice slow amount that the vet was pleased with.