Severe post adoption anxiety after adopting a kitten

[dearjohn_95]

Hello! Just signed up to ask for advice. No judgment, please! My partner and I have an adult cat who is about 9 years old. I love love love her and my partner got her long before we met. She is a very sweet and well-behaved cat. Recently, we wanted to adopt another cat to give the resident cat more social life (turned out that it was not necessarily a good idea for some cats). We got a kitten from the local shelter a couple of weeks ago and put her in our bedroom to separate her from the resident cat. I have never dealt with very high-energy kittens and wow, her playfulness was beyond my expectation. The first week was full of waking up several times at night bc the kitten was zooming like crazy in the bed, scratching/biting everything she could get hold of including hands and feet, and crying non-stop. We played with her before bedtime to tire her out but it only worked a few times. We took her to the vet to get everything checked out and she was very healthy.

Besides all the kitten-ness that kinda drives me mad, the resident cat didn't seem to accept or even interested in the kitten at all. She hissed, growled, and swatted at the kitten whenever we used a baby gate to let them see each other, or during a short "site-swapping". We plugged in Feliway a couple of weeks ago but it didn't help at all. I feel like we are stressing her out so much - being the only cat in the household for 7 years, she already had her own routine and territory. She probably didn't want feline company at all!

Another thing that bothers me is sharing the bedroom with the kitten for God knows how long. I've always been a very clean person. I brush my cat regularly and clean her litter box almost every day. With the kitten, cat food, and litter box in the bedroom, I suddenly felt like I lost control of my very private living space. I started to have really bad anxiety before going to bed at night because I wouldn't know if I can sleep through the night or wake up with a kitten in my face. I started to hate it so much to smell kitten food and poop in the morning. The worst part is there is no definite end date to this life! One day, I was so stressed out and told my partner that we will return the kitten to the shelter if two cats won't make any progress in 2 weeks (that will be 1.5 months from the adoption day). He said no, we should give them at least three months. I literally had tears falling down my face when I heard that. To the extremely anxious me, it sounds like the current life that I hate so much will continue for months! I honestly don't think I can do it given my level of stress. I also certainly don't want it to do any damage to my relationship. Feeling so so so helpless and hopeless...

 

[ArtNJ]

Deap breaths! 9 year olds often have a tough time, but if you have the gate up for a week or two the hissing should stop. Then, when you let them mingle, yes, there is a good possibility there will be some significant stress, but at least the kitten will have more space. We can't say what the long term outcome will be, but one common path is to have slow improvement once they are together, eventually getting to full toleration or pretty close. Its not wonderful, but its not that bad either. And sometimes things go better.

In general, getting a kitten for an older cat, rather than because you want one, is a fairly terrible idea, because the chance is pretty high they will never become friends. Millions make this mistake though, so your in good company. And sometimes it works out well.

I'm not sure how long its been, or if you can stand having the gate up for a week or so. Or if you can handle the stress that will likely come when they get face to face.

I guess at bottom, I see it this way. The probability that the 9 year old will ever be happy about the kitten isn't great. If your super stressed about this whole deal, and kittens are super easy to rehome, then why continue? Wouldn't it be best for everyone to call it off?

A lot of folks here will say its too soon, do the full introduciton, see how they do when they are together. And there is a good case for that. You never do know for sure how they will do. However, as I noted, friendship is not likely, and further stress is. And kittens are easy to find a great home for. So I guess I just see it as correcting a mistake, and making a better situation for all, but reasonable minds can differ.

 

[dearjohn_95]

Deap breaths! 9 year olds often have a tough time, but if you have the gate up for a week or two the hissing should stop. Then, when you let them mingle, yes, there is a good possibility there will be some significant stress, but at least the kitten will have more space. We can't say what the long term outcome will be, but one common path is to have slow improvement once they are together, eventually getting to full toleration or pretty close. Its not wonderful, but its not that bad either. And sometimes things go better.

In general, getting a kitten for an older cat, rather than because you want one, is a fairly terrible idea, because the chance is pretty high they will never become friends. Millions make this mistake though, so your in good company. And sometimes it works out well.

I'm not sure how long its been, or if you can stand having the gate up for a week or so. Or if you can handle the stress that will likely come when they get face to face.

I guess at bottom, I see it this way. The probability that the 9 year old will ever be happy about the kitten isn't great. If your super stressed about this whole deal, and kittens are super easy to rehome, then why continue? Wouldn't it be best for everyone to call it off?

A lot of folks here will say its too soon, do the full introduciton, see how they do when they are together. And there is a good case for that. You never do know for sure how they will do. However, as I noted, friendship is not likely, and further stress is. And kittens are easy to find a great home for. So I guess I just see it as correcting a mistake, but reasonable minds can differ.

Thanks so much for your reply! When we were considering getting a second cat, some people were saying kittens are less of a threat to adult cat so there is higher chance that they will get along… I was skeptical at first but we didn’t know other examples. I feel really bad now after seeing how poorly our adult cat reacts to the new kitten. We’ve been gradually introducing them for about a month, but the adult cat would always hiss and swat at the kitten.
I do want to return the kitten (all the kittens in her litter were adopted within three days), but my partner still insists on giving them more time. His reason is that the kitten deserves a fair chance… which means at least three months. I really don’t know how I will be able to do that.

 

[mrsgreenjeens]

Introducing cats (or kittens) can be daunting . We had two adults, one female and one male, when two male kittens appeared on our front porch. It took us five months of listening to hissing, growling, even watching our resident female attacking the saferoom door. By that time the kittens were big enough to fend for themselves if need be since they were four months old when they came to us,so we just finally opened the door permanently and let them roam freely. This was after following the introduction protocol to the letter. Those are here: How To Introduce A Kitten To An Older Cat – TheCatSite Articles

Once they had free reign, no more hissing or growling and no attacks whatsoever! BUT, as mentioned above, they were never really friends, so we ended up with two groups of cats. The kittens slept together, and the resident cats did their own thing.

One thing that I learned that we did that was a HUGE mistake was the room we chose as the saferoom was actually the room our female used to hang out in. I think the reason she was so upset all the time was that she couldn't get into her space. So if your resident cat is used to being in your bedroom and now is prevented from that, that could be a big problem for her. She may feel she is being usurped. Is there another room you can use for the kitten's saferoom? A secondary bedroom, even a large bathroom? Just remember to split your time pretty evenly between the two.

 

[dearjohn_95]

Introducing cats (or kittens) can be daunting . We had two adults, one female and one male, when two male kittens appeared on our front porch. It took us five months of listening to hissing, growling, even watching our resident female attacking the saferoom door. By that time the kittens were big enough to fend for themselves if need be since they were four months old when they came to us,so we just finally opened the door permanently and let them roam freely. This was after following the introduction protocol to the letter. Those are here: How To Introduce A Kitten To An Older Cat – TheCatSite Articles

Once they had free reign, no more hissing or growling and no attacks whatsoever! BUT, as mentioned above, they were never really friends, so we ended up with two groups of cats. The kittens slept together, and the resident cats did their own thing.

One thing that I learned that we did that was a HUGE mistake was the room we chose as the saferoom was actually the room our female used to hang out in. I think the reason she was so upset all the time was that she couldn't get into her space. So if your resident cat is used to being in your bedroom and now is prevented from that, that could be a big problem for her. She may feel she is being usurped. Is there another room you can use for the kitten's saferoom? A secondary bedroom, even a large bathroom? Just remember to split your time pretty evenly between the two.

Thank you! We only have one bedroom right now and it’s been frustrating. I thought we can maybe put the kitten in the bathroom but my partner said that was too cruel to the kitten. The adult cat used to hang out in both the living room and bedroom, and her litter box is in our bathroom. So there’s no perfect solution in there. I was just worried that with me and the adult cat being so stressed, this introduction process doesn’t seem to be very sustainable.

 

[ArtNJ]

Well, if you do make it three months, the hard part should be over. They may not be friends, but most probably the adult will be relaxed unless the kitten is actively bugging them. It can be fairly stressful getting there is the issue. And at the end of the day, your usually getting close to toleration, not friendship.

 

[dearjohn_95]

Well, if you do make it three months, the hard part should be over. They may not be friends, but most probably the adult will be relaxed unless the kitten is actively bugging them. It can be fairly stressful getting there is the issue. And at the end of the day, your usually getting close to toleration, not friendship.

Thanks! I get it. I just really start to think it's not fair for our adult cat. I guess guilt plays a big part in it.

 

[ArtNJ]

Eh, millions have adopted kittens with senior cats, no reason for guilt. And it isn't so terrible anyway. By the time you get to face to face, commonly the stress isn't necessarily worse than the level of having your inlaws or parents stay with you. The growling and hissing is the equivalent of arguing/bickering. That isn't a fun level of stress, but in the scheme of things it isn't so terrible and it does get better.

 

[BoaztheAdventureCat]

Hello! Just signed up to ask for advice. No judgment, please! My partner and I have an adult cat who is about 9 years old. I love love love her and my partner got her long before we met. She is a very sweet and well-behaved cat. Recently, we wanted to adopt another cat to give the resident cat more social life (turned out that it was not necessarily a good idea for some cats). We got a kitten from the local shelter a couple of weeks ago and put her in our bedroom to separate her from the resident cat. I have never dealt with very high-energy kittens and wow, her playfulness was beyond my expectation. The first week was full of waking up several times at night bc the kitten was zooming like crazy in the bed, scratching/biting everything she could get hold of including hands and feet, and crying non-stop. We played with her before bedtime to tire her out but it only worked a few times. We took her to the vet to get everything checked out and she was very healthy.

Besides all the kitten-ness that kinda drives me mad, the resident cat didn't seem to accept or even interested in the kitten at all. She hissed, growled, and swatted at the kitten whenever we used a baby gate to let them see each other, or during a short "site-swapping". We plugged in Feliway a couple of weeks ago but it didn't help at all. I feel like we are stressing her out so much - being the only cat in the household for 7 years, she already had her own routine and territory. She probably didn't want feline company at all!

Another thing that bothers me is sharing the bedroom with the kitten for God knows how long. I've always been a very clean person. I brush my cat regularly and clean her litter box almost every day. With the kitten, cat food, and litter box in the bedroom, I suddenly felt like I lost control of my very private living space. I started to have really bad anxiety before going to bed at night because I wouldn't know if I can sleep through the night or wake up with a kitten in my face. I started to hate it so much to smell kitten food and poop in the morning. The worst part is there is no definite end date to this life! One day, I was so stressed out and told my partner that we ill return the kitten to the shelter if two cats won't make any progress in 2 weeks (that will be 1.5 months from the adoption day). He said no, we should give them at least three months. I literally had tears falling down my face when I heard that. To the extremely anxious me, it sounds like the current life that I hate so much will continue for months! I honestly don't think I can do it given my level of stress. I also certainly don't want it to do any damage to my relationship. Feeling so so so helpless and hopeless...

I feel your pain! When I brought Boaz home as a kitten, he was the only kitten in the house for 2 months and that was a BAD idea. My Dad's senior cat Pretty Kitty, who was around 14 years old at the time, was much like your 9-year old cat is now. Pretty Kitty looked for opportunities to attack Boaz. She HATED him and his kitten energy. She had lived with other cats during her young adult years, but for at least 6 years, she was the only cat.

Boaz's kitten energy wasn't only driving Pretty Kitty crazy, it was driving me crazy, too, and I had difficulty sleeping. That all changed when my Dad & my brother brought their kittens Asher & Posie home 2 months later. Now that Boaz had cats his own age to play with, he was no longer constantly trying to play attack me or go after Pretty Kitty in play. Everybody was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

If at all possible, I suggest bringing home another kitten as soon as possible.

 

[dearjohn_95]

I feel your pain! When I brought Boaz home as a kitten, he was the only kitten in the house for 2 months and that was a BAD idea. My Dad's senior cat Pretty Kitty, who was around 14 years old at the time, was much like your 9-year old cat is now. Pretty Kitty looked for opportunities to attack Boaz. She HATED him and his kitten energy. She had lived with other cats during her young adult years, but for at least 6 years, she was the only cat.

Boaz's kitten energy wasn't only driving Pretty Kitty crazy, it was driving me crazy, too, and I had difficulty sleeping. That all changed when my Dad & my brother brought their kittens Asher & Posie home 2 months later. Now that Boaz had cats his own age to play with, he was no longer constantly trying to play attack me or go after Pretty Kitty in play. Everybody was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

If at all possible, I suggest bringing home another kitten as soon as possible.

thanks for sharing your experience! When we were considering adopting a second cat, some people suggested that a kitten would be a good option bc the older cat would not see it as a threat. However, we didn't think about the different energy levels... Our 9-year old is a very chill gal who sleeps either on the couch or on our lap most of the time while the kitten is WILD! Right now we don't have the space for another kitten, but we will definitely consider it in the future!

Do you mind if I ask how Boaz reacted to kitten attacks or invites to play? I'm worried that it might cause a lot of stress for my older cat.

 

[dearjohn_95]

I feel your pain! When I brought Boaz home as a kitten, he was the only kitten in the house for 2 months and that was a BAD idea. My Dad's senior cat Pretty Kitty, who was around 14 years old at the time, was much like your 9-year old cat is now. Pretty Kitty looked for opportunities to attack Boaz. She HATED him and his kitten energy. She had lived with other cats during her young adult years, but for at least 6 years, she was the only cat.

Boaz's kitten energy wasn't only driving Pretty Kitty crazy, it was driving me crazy, too, and I had difficulty sleeping. That all changed when my Dad & my brother brought their kittens Asher & Posie home 2 months later. Now that Boaz had cats his own age to play with, he was no longer constantly trying to play attack me or go after Pretty Kitty in play. Everybody was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

If at all possible, I suggest bringing home another kitten as soon as possible.

Oops! I meant to ask how Pretty Kitty reacted to Boaz's playful energy!

 

[BoaztheAdventureCat]

thanks for sharing your experience! When we were considering adopting a second cat, some people suggested that a kitten would be a good option bc the older cat would not see it as a threat. However, we didn't think about the different energy levels... Our 9-year old is a very chill gal who sleeps either on the couch or on our lap most of the time while the kitten is WILD! Right now we don't have the space for another kitten, but we will definitely consider it in the future!

Do you mind if I ask how Boaz reacted to kitten attacks or invites to play? I'm worried that it might cause a lot of stress for my older cat.

Oh, Boaz was thrilled to have other kittens to play with! However, he had mixed feelings because we went about the introduction process all wrong. We put him and the new 2 together immediately when we should have done a slow, gradual introduction over several days to a few weeks. I think because he suddenly went from being the 'king of his kingdom' to having to share with 2 other kittens his age, he was naturally resentful. He and the other 2 seemed to play well initially, but as time went on and he grew to respect their boundaries less and less, it soon became apparent that we started him off on a bad foot.

 

[BoaztheAdventureCat]

Oops! I meant to ask how Pretty Kitty reacted to Boaz's playful energy!

Oh yeah. She hated it. She was glad to be out of his presence, but whenever she found an opportunity to seek him out to attack him, she would try. Because it was very clear that she was looking for Boaz not because she liked him but because she hated him, we kept her and him separated until my dad and my brother brought Asher & Posie home. Pretty Kitty immediately took a step back and relaxed once Asher & Posie came home and she realized that Boaz was no longer totally enamored with trying to get her attention.

 

[dearjohn_95]

Oh yeah. She hated it. She was glad to be out of his presence, but whenever she found an opportunity to seek him out to attack him, she would try. Because it was very clear that she was looking for Boaz not because she liked him but because she hated him, we kept her and him separated until my dad and my brother brought Asher & Posie home. Pretty Kitty immediately took a step back and relaxed once Asher & Posie came home and she realized that Boaz was no longer totally enamored with trying to get her attention.

Oof, that's what I am worried about. Our two cats have been in separate rooms for almost a month, and we've been doing site swapping and letting them see each other once in a while. We even used Feliway to try to calm down the adult cat - every time she sees the kitten, she would hiss, growl and even swat at her. We barely saw any progress. I love our adult cat so much and I'm constantly worried that bringing a kitten home is such a bad idea for her.

 

[BoaztheAdventureCat]

I was worried, too, initially when we were about to bring Asher & Posie home. Pretty Kitty hated Boaz, so she'd probably hate any additional kittens coming into our home, right? Wrong! The addition of 2 other kitten playmates for the current kitten in the house was just the relief she needed to feel like she could relax and watch everybody play at a distance. I'm not saying it always turns out this way, but this was my experience and if you handle the introductions rightly and you're committed to giving everybody appropriate amounts of attention and playtime, I think your chances of a harmonious cat colony will be a lot better.

 

[dearjohn_95]

I was worried, too, initially when we were about to bring Asher & Posie home. Pretty Kitty hated Boaz, so she'd probably hate any additional kittens coming into our home, right? Wrong! The addition of 2 other kitten playmates for the current kitten in the house was just the relief she needed to feel like she could relax and watch everybody play at a distance. I'm not saying it always turns out this way, but this was my experience and if you handle the introductions rightly and you're committed to giving everybody appropriate amounts of attention and playtime, I think your chances of a harmonious cat colony will be a lot better.

That's interesting. We will probably give it a try when time and space allow. Thank you!

 

[BoaztheAdventureCat]

That's interesting. We will probably give it a try when time and space allow. Thank you!

Great! One word of warning, though. I don't know if you're keeping your kitten separated from your resident cat, but if your kitten is not having much good interaction with your resident cat and he does spend most of his time away from your adult, that's all the more reason that you would do well to adopt another kitten ASAP.

Boaz spent the first 2 months of his time with me as a solitary kitten. We had Pretty Kitty, but because she hated him and generally wanted nothing to do with him, he spent most of his time away from other cats. This stunted his social development. Even 2 months alone was enough to do lasting damage. To this day, he struggles with social awkwardness around other cats.

You can only do the best you can with what you have available to you right now, but I just want to offer you some additional reasons for why you would likely do well to bring home that additional kitten as quickly as is allowable.

 

[dearjohn_95]

Great! One word of warning, though. I don't know if you're keeping your kitten separated from your resident cat, but if your kitten is not having much good interaction with your resident cat and he does spend most of his time away from your adult, that's all the more reason that you would do well to adopt another kitten ASAP.

Boaz spent the first 2 months of his time with me as a solitary kitten. We had Pretty Kitty, but because she hated him and generally wanted nothing to do with him, he spent most of his time away from other cats. This stunted his social development. Even 2 months alone was enough to do lasting damage. To this day, he struggles with social awkwardness around other cats.

You can only do the best you can with what you have available to you right now, but I just want to offer you some additional reasons for why you would likely do well to bring home that additional kitten as quickly as is allowable.

That makes sense! I also saw lots of shelters require that kittens must be adopted in pairs. We were a bit surprised that the shelter where we adopted this kitten didn't ask us to. I will keep that in mind for sure!

 

[dearjohn_95]

Great! One word of warning, though. I don't know if you're keeping your kitten separated from your resident cat, but if your kitten is not having much good interaction with your resident cat and he does spend most of his time away from your adult, that's all the more reason that you would do well to adopt another kitten ASAP.

Boaz spent the first 2 months of his time with me as a solitary kitten. We had Pretty Kitty, but because she hated him and generally wanted nothing to do with him, he spent most of his time away from other cats. This stunted his social development. Even 2 months alone was enough to do lasting damage. To this day, he struggles with social awkwardness around other cats.

You can only do the best you can with what you have available to you right now, but I just want to offer you some additional reasons for why you would likely do well to bring home that additional kitten as quickly as is allowable.

At this point, I feel like our household might not be the best fit for this kitten with limited space and a grumpy older cat. I communicated this concern with my partner but all he wanted was more time for the two cats to get used to each other. I guess I am just not sure how long that's going to be and it's likely to be a sad story. The thought really makes me even more anxious, ehhh!

 

[BoaztheAdventureCat]

At this point, I feel like our household might not be the best fit for this kitten with limited space and a grumpy older cat. I communicated this concern with my partner but all he wanted was more time for the two cats to get used to each other. I guess I am just not sure how long that's going to be and it's likely to be a sad story. The thought really makes me even more anxious, ehhh!

That's tough. I'm sorry. I'll be praying for you all to know what decision is the best one to make!