Severe post adoption anxiety after adopting a kitten

[dearjohn_95]

That's tough. I'm sorry. I'll be praying for you all to know what decision is the best one to make!

Thank you so much for your kind words!!!

 

[Furballsmom]

. I feel like we are stressing her out so much - being the only cat in the household for 7 years, she already had her own routine and territory. She probably didn't want feline company at all!

She didn't. Cats, including cared-for house cats, are not emotionally wired to need the company of other cats. Groups of ferals gather because they are smart, adaptable, and at times numbers rather than solitary/individual hunting can be an advantage. However, even when this occurs, territorial tension breaks out.

What will convince your partner that stress is very hard on cats, and she will likely benefit from having a wellness checkup after the kitten is rehomed?

Additionally the longer the kitten is with you-all, the more unfair it is for it if you do in fact decide to rehome.

 

[dearjohn_95]

She didn't. Cats, including cared-for house cats, are not emotionally wired to need the company of other cats. Groups of ferals gather because they are smart, adaptable, and at times numbers rather than solitary/individual hunting can be an advantage. However, even when this occurs, territorial tension breaks out.

What will convince your partner that stress is very hard on cats, and she will likely need a wellness checkup after the kitten is rehomed?

Additionally the longer the kitten is with you-all, the more unfair it is for it if you decide to rehome.

I know, right!? He believes that time will make it better and they will eventually get used to each other. I told him that kittens are highly adoptable at shelters and we can even foster her until she can go straight to the next family, but he insists that 1. the kitten deserves a fair chance in our household which means >= 3 months. 2. returning kittens to the shelter can be a traumatic experience for them. I don't think he is wrong but I just can't justify living like this and thinking about how much stress it causes for our older cat.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hang in there!! If there's anything we can do to help, let us know.

 

[dearjohn_95]

Hang in there!! If there's anything we can do to help, let us know.

Thanks so much for your kind words!

 

[mrsgreenjeens]

Have you let your partner read this thread? Perhaps that will help him make a decision to let this kitten be adopted by someone else, especially if you can keep it as a foster so it doesn't have to be returned to a shelter. If it gets to be too old, it won't be as cute (therefore, not as adoptable). I'm not sure anyone has said that they had good results, where the cats ended up being great buddies. Tolerated, yes but not friends . In our case, our boys always had to walk about three feet from the resident female, as long as she lived, because she must have put the fear of God in them . And the funny thing was, she only weighed 6 pounds, while one of the "kittens" ended up weighing 15 pounds! He could have really hurt her if he wanted too, but luckily he didn't want to. She clearly ruled the roost

 

[dearjohn_95]

Have you let your partner read this thread? Perhaps that will help him make a decision to let this kitten be adopted by someone else, especially if you can keep it as a foster so it doesn't have to be returned to a shelter. If it gets to be too old, it won't be as cute (therefore, not as adoptable). I'm not sure anyone has said that they had good results, where the cats ended up being great buddies. Tolerated, yes but not friends . In our case, our boys always had to walk about three feet from the resident female, as long as she lived, because she must have put the fear of God in them . And the funny thing was, she only weighed 6 pounds, while one of the "kittens" ended up weighing 15 pounds! He could have really hurt her if he wanted too, but luckily he didn't want to. She clearly ruled the roost

Aww that dynamic was funny! Yes, I shared some of the responses with him but he still wanted more time for two cats to experiment. He let them be in the same room for 25 min today and the adult cat was on edge, hissed, but didn't attack. I felt like even if they eventually get along, the older cat won't be fully happy with the situation and I heard the stress can really affect their health. At the same time, the kitten has so much energy and always wants to play, but with an older cat, she can't get what she wants/needs. I think it's not a good situation for the kitten either, although my partner promised he would take on the responsibility of playing with the kitten. I just don't think it can substitute for feline playtime.

 

[xkappax]

Thanks! I get it. I just really start to think it's not fair for our adult cat. I guess guilt plays a big part in it.

This is actually how I felt the last time I brought a kitten in. And it was the LAST time. The kitten was absolutely terrorizing my older, deaf cat.

I gave my situation six months to improve, it did not, so I ended up making the difficult decision to rehome the kitten. He went to a friend who had another kitten his age who he could play with, and he is still there and still happy. I was absolutely devastated that it didn't work out, but in the long run, it ended up being for the best. You have to think about what's best for the kitten, the older cat, and yourself and your sanity.

I hope you are able to find a good solution for both you and the cat, because I can empathize fully with your situation and know how difficult it can be.

 

[dearjohn_95]

This is actually how I felt the last time I brought a kitten in. And it was the LAST time. The kitten was absolutely terrorizing my older, deaf cat.

I gave my situation six months to improve, it did not, so I ended up making the difficult decision to rehome the kitten. He went to a friend who had another kitten his age who he could play with, and he is still there and still happy. I was absolutely devastated that it didn't work out, but in the long run, it ended up being for the best. You have to think about what's best for the kitten, the older cat, and yourself and your sanity.

I hope you are able to find a good solution for both you and the cat, because I can empathize fully with your situation and know how difficult it can be.

thanks so much! And I am sorry for your experience. Do you mind if I ask at what point you decided to or what made you rehome the kitten? I think people can have different interpretations of a situation. I am very concerned about my older cat's happiness, while my partner might feel that as long as they tolerate each other and live relatively in peace, that's a win-win.

 

[xkappax]

thanks so much! And I am sorry for your experience. Do you mind if I ask at what point you decided to or what made you rehome the kitten? I think people can have different interpretations of a situation. I am very concerned about my older cat's happiness, while my partner might feel that as long as they tolerate each other and live relatively in peace, that's a win-win.

There wasn't just one thing that made me finally make the decision. There were three. The first was that, even after six months, I could not pick up my older cat in the presence of the kitten without him growling and making horrible noises. That was really upsetting to me. He was not like that. The second was that I had to put a litter box in the living room because the kitten was guarding the main litter box, and when I did that, he started guarding BOTH litter boxes. So not only did I have a litterbox in my living room, which I really didn't want, but it didn't help the problem at all. The third thing was probably the final nail in the coffin. Because of the kitten guarding both litter boxes, my older cat was holding it in instead of going to the bathroom, and he ended up getting blocked up and had to go to an emergency vet to get fixed. This was unbelievably upsetting to me. I absolutely loved the kitten, but it was not fair to my older cat for him to have to go through all of this.

I think, in my situation, the fact that my older cat was born deaf made it really hard for him to be introduced to new cats. He couldn't hear them coming, so he was always on edge.

Overall, though, I think you really have to look at the situation as a whole... is it improving, do you think it will improve, what can you live with and what can't you live with if it does not improve quickly? Things like that.

I probably should also mention that I had two cats that hated each other for six months and we really thought we were going to have to rehome the one, and then after six months, they just were fine with each other like someone flipped a switch, lol. So ... you never know. But I would definitely make a list of pros and cons of rehoming vs. toughing it out and seeing if it improves.

 

[dearjohn_95]

There wasn't just one thing that made me finally make the decision. There were three. The first was that, even after six months, I could not pick up my older cat in the presence of the kitten without him growling and making horrible noises. That was really upsetting to me. He was not like that. The second was that I had to put a litter box in the living room because the kitten was guarding the main litter box, and when I did that, he started guarding BOTH litter boxes. So not only did I have a litterbox in my living room, which I really didn't want, but it didn't help the problem at all. The third thing was probably the final nail in the coffin. Because of the kitten guarding both litter boxes, my older cat was holding it in instead of going to the bathroom, and he ended up getting blocked up and had to go to an emergency vet to get fixed. This was unbelievably upsetting to me. I absolutely loved the kitten, but it was not fair to my older cat for him to have to go through all of this.

I think, in my situation, the fact that my older cat was born deaf made it really hard for him to be introduced to new cats. He couldn't hear them coming, so he was always on edge.

Overall, though, I think you really have to look at the situation as a whole... is it improving, do you think it will improve, what can you live with and what can't you live with if it does not improve quickly? Things like that.

I probably should also mention that I had two cats that hated each other for six months and we really thought we were going to have to rehome the one, and then after six months, they just were fine with each other like someone flipped a switch, lol. So ... you never know. But I would definitely make a list of pros and cons of rehoming vs. toughing it out and seeing if it improves.

Thanks for sharing! Making a list of pros and cons sounds like a good idea - so many thoughts flying in my head right now!

Our kitten is very small and she doesn't seem to be aggressive or anything, but I know their personalities can change over time. When the older cat hissed at her, she didn't seem to be too scared but more confused. The older cat really just wants to chill on the couch most of the time but the kitten always tries to play... I wonder if she will ever learn to leave the older cat alone or if she will keep "harassing" her.

 

[xkappax]

If the kitten is not aggressive, that's definitely a good sign. Mine was bold and pushy. He was not a bad cat, he just... he didn't understand boundaries. Kittens either learn boundaries after they've been smacked around by the older cat or they don't.

Cats are solitary animals. Sometimes they enjoy the company of other cats, but sometimes they don't. Often times, people get a second cat because they feel like their cat will benefit from having a friend. That's sometimes true, but cats are not dogs, and they don't always need that companionship. Older cats especially get extremely set in their ways and they really don't like change when they get older.

Over the years, I've found that if you can get cats to coexist and tolerate each other, that's the best you can hope for. If you get something better than that, or if they become bonded, that's a bonus.

I really hope you'll be able to find a solution that is best for everyone.

 

[Furballsmom]

wonder if she will ever learn to leave the older cat alone or if she will keep "harassing" her.

She will keep trying to play, --this is one of the main reasons people suggest getting another kitten because there really isn't anything that can match that energy level except another kitten, but even that can sometimes depend on personalities.

On the flip side, your kitten will grow fast and won't necessarily be in the little terrorist mode forever

 

[dearjohn_95]

Not sure how to reply to everyone but wanted to share some updates on our cat situation - we started with letting two cats stay in the same room for 20 min last week and then slowly increased to 1 - 2 hours. The resident cat has zero interest in the kitten and just wants to be left alone in her bed. She hissed and growled, chased a little, and sometimes swatted at the kitten when she got a bit too close. The kitten however saw these signs as invitations to play lol. She would keep trying and trying to get closer, but she sometimes hisses back too! We gave them treats at the same time as a "bonding" activity, but the kitten was so fast and food-motivated that she would literally steal food from our older cat. We also played with them together, well actually, separately, but in the same room. Our older cat LOVES laser and the kitten just sees everything as toys. Obviously, there was already tension in the room, and I was so particular about correcting any bad kitten behaviors (e.g., jumping on the resident cat, chewing on plants, getting on the kitchen counter...) that I felt a bit overwhelmed too.

We haven't got to the point where they can have meals together. One thing we noticed is that the kitten likes to "hunt" our older cat when she was drinking water. She would hide behind a table and once the older cat lowered her head to get water, she tried to jump and pounce. Our older cat got so mad that she would just stop what she was doing and sit there, on guard. We haven't seen how they behave when one of them uses the litter box, but the kitten does seem to be very interested in the resident cat's litter box. I am worried that as she is growing bigger and stronger, she will "attack" more and even become the aggressive one (she got big feet and a long tail so we think she will be a BIG cat).

I am wondering at what point can you decide if they can get along/tolerate each other down the road, or if the kitten needs to be rehomed? We will be sad if rehoming needs to happen but we also want our older cat to be happy and minimize her stress.

 

[xkappax]

This is pretty much what I experienced with our kitten. It sounds like your older cat is really stressed out by the kitten's presence. Some cats are like that. I will say this... if you think you might have to rehome the kitten, if that's what your heart is telling you deep down, don't wait. I waited way too long and things eventually came to a head and we had no choice and it was absolutely heartbreaking.

When cats get older, they get really set in their ways and change becomes harder and harder for them. Some cats love other cats (my current weirdo does), but a lot of them really don't. Cats are solitary creatures and they don't travel in packs like dogs. It is, unfortunately, really stressful for the older cat in situations like this. Their world is being turned upside down.

I don't know the future, and I don't know what your situation will look like 6 months down the road. There's no time limit to it, though. Listen to what your gut is telling you about the situation, and as I said before, think really hard about the pros and cons of all of it and how much stress you're willing to take and how much you're willing to put your older cat through on the journey.

I wish you the best of luck, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really hope it all works out and it doesn't come to rehoming.

 

[dearjohn_95]

This is pretty much what I experienced with our kitten. It sounds like your older cat is really stressed out by the kitten's presence. Some cats are like that. I will say this... if you think you might have to rehome the kitten, if that's what your heart is telling you deep down, don't wait. I waited way too long and things eventually came to a head we had no choice and it was absolutely heartbreaking.

When cats get older, they get really set in their ways and change becomes harder and harder for them. Some cats love other cats (my current weirdo does), but a lot of them really don't. Cats are solitary creatures and they don't travel in packs like dogs. It is, unfortunately, really stressful for the older cat in situations like this. Their world is being turned upside down.

I don't know the future, and I don't know what your situation will look like 6 months down the road. There's no time limit to it, though. Listen to what your gut is telling you about the situation, and as I said before, think really hard about the pros and cons of all of it and how much stress you're willing to take and how much you're willing to put your older cat through on the journey.

I wish you the best of luck, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really hope it all works out and it doesn't come to rehoming.

Thanks for sharing your experience and your kind words! I felt like my anxiety has gone down a bit as time went by. I think seeing them in the same room and having interactions (although not all positive) made me feel better. Honestly, I think finding her a home with maybe another kitten/other kittens is the best solution, but I also feel like, with my stress and anxiety present, it might not be a good time to make final decisions. We brought the kitten home about a month ago and we've been introducing them slowly. My partner really wanted to make it work, or at least let them have enough time to experiment.

Would you mind sharing more about how you realized you needed to rehome your kitten/waited too long? We constantly feel like we are seeing progress but also no progress at all, and we are not sure what the timeline looks like for us.

 

[dearjohn_95]

This is pretty much what I experienced with our kitten. It sounds like your older cat is really stressed out by the kitten's presence. Some cats are like that. I will say this... if you think you might have to rehome the kitten, if that's what your heart is telling you deep down, don't wait. I waited way too long and things eventually came to a head and we had no choice and it was absolutely heartbreaking.

When cats get older, they get really set in their ways and change becomes harder and harder for them. Some cats love other cats (my current weirdo does), but a lot of them really don't. Cats are solitary creatures and they don't travel in packs like dogs. It is, unfortunately, really stressful for the older cat in situations like this. Their world is being turned upside down.

I don't know the future, and I don't know what your situation will look like 6 months down the road. There's no time limit to it, though. Listen to what your gut is telling you about the situation, and as I said before, think really hard about the pros and cons of all of it and how much stress you're willing to take and how much you're willing to put your older cat through on the journey.

I wish you the best of luck, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really hope it all works out and it doesn't come to rehoming.

oh sorry! Just recognized your username and realized I asked the same question in the past lol!

 

[xkappax]

oh sorry! Just recognized your username and realized I asked the same question in the past lol!

No worries, I empathize so hard with what you're going through. I really hope it works out for you.

 

[dearjohn_95]

It's been a bit over 2 months since we got the kitten. I am still not sure if they will eventually get along. The resident cat really just wants to be left alone - she won't start fights or go out of her way to attack the kitten. However, the kitten never seems to learn the boundaries (she is about 5 months old now). She would run away when growled or smacked at, but she never quit trying to play with the resident cat. Sometimes the hissing and chasing were very intense, but there were also times when they would just loaf about 3 feet apart or even fall asleep. Every time when I felt like my patience and hope grew a bit, the very next day the kitten would do something that really pissed me off. Originally, we planned to give them both 3 months to experiment. During these two months, I tried to just focus on taking care of both cats, getting them toys, treats, playtime, and not thinking too much about if they will get along. I'm not attached to the kitten yet, but I think my partner really loves her. I understand his perspective and intention to give both cats a fair chance and try to avoid rehoming the kitten, but I really just don't know if this will work.

 

[xkappax]

With an adult cat and a kitten, sometimes they never get along, sometimes they just tolerate one another. If it's bothering you that much, your feelings are just as important as your partner's feelings. I was INCREDIBLY attached to the kitten we tried to adopt years ago, but after trying all the techniques to introduce cats, it became clearer and clearer by the day that it wasn't working out. I had major anxiety about their interactions and my older cat was so stressed, in the end, it was just better for everyone involved, despite my attachment to the kitten. If you do feel like rehoming is the best option, see if you can find a friend who will take the kitten so you can visit and hear updates. This is what I did and it made things a lot easier.