Severe Cat Adoption Anxiety

[tearycatmom]

Hi everyone,

Looking for some advice and some non-judgement here. I scrolled through some of the other cat anxiety threads but I think I may have something worse than just the post-adoption blues.

I grew up having cats and have been wanting one for years. Until about a year or so ago, I lived in places that didn’t allow me to have a cat. The plan was always to foster a cat because someday I'd have an apartment on my own and I would work from home and it'd be the perfect landing pad for cute little old senior cats and then eventually foster fail at some point. About two months ago I moved to a new city and decided that I would adopt instead of foster to "show my commitment to my new city" and I was also feeling pressure (both placed on by myself and my family and friends) to get a cat as a companion. Many of my friends and family told me I wouldn't be able to emotionally handle fostering and would just end up adopting anyways. So I decided to commit when I saw a cat online.

I wasn't able to meet him before I picked him up since he was coming from out of state and from the moment I picked him up two weekends ago I have felt intense regret. He had a few behavioral issues at first (yowling whenever he couldn't see me, etc) that seem to have resolved itself. He also smelled pretty bad from transport and kept getting litter stuck in his fur but I got a groomer to come and fix him all up so now he smells ok! So my excuses or reasonings for this whole thing not working have dwindled. Honestly, he’s an amazing cat - loves to sleep next to me - even as I'm writing this he is sleeping basically on top of me. I do live alone and have noticed that he only comes out when it's bedtime, he hears other people's voices (movies etc do not get him to come out, only other people's voices like when I am on the phone), or when people come to visit. He's a total ham with visitors and even lets them rub his belly. Getting a second cat is not an option, my apartment is just not big enough. So I do wonder if my home is the right fit in regards to it just being me.

But the worst of it all is that I've been crying to the point of sobbing basically every day from anxiety but also the realization that I'm pretty unhappy and lonely with my life in general and just used moving to a new city (something that was supposed to make me happy) and getting a new cat (also something that was supposed to make me happy but surprise! it didn't) and so I've just put two band-aids on a wound that probably needs sutures. I did have an emergency therapy session last week (didn't really help) and starting with a long term therapist this week to hopefully work on these deeper issues. But while that's happening I have a cat whom I'm responsible for and supposed to love but honestly if the foster family came to me right now and said “we want him back” I would give him back in a heartbeat. He's the type of cat who deserves someone who is obsessed with him and will give him so much love and I just don't know if I'm capable of that now. Do I make him wait and see for me to go through therapy, figure out what will actually make me happy and then maybe able to finally give him the love he deserves? Or do I work with my rescue to find him a home where he will have that love that maybe I can't give him now? I've talked to my friends and family and they all say it's "my decision" and they won't hate me for either way I decide but I feel like a complete failure for even feeling this way.

If you made it all the way to the end, thanks for reading and any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Oh, this one is tough! And I'll tell you why...the fact that he sleeps on you means that he trusts you utterly. He considers you "his person." He is relaxed and contented with you. So take that into consideration. i assume that you do touch him when he settles in with you for the night. He's apparently happy with that level of contact, even though he may be the Life of the Party with visitors. Every cat is different. Yours shows every sign of being happy and content with the life he has with you.

Would he be able to adjust to a new home? Almost certainly, and he has been treated kindly by you, which helps. SO...you do what you must for your own peace of mind. I hope that your boy can remain with you, but if you rehome, do so very responsibly. Contact the people who fostered him, and explain your situation, and that he needs to be rehomed through no fault of his own.

Sending good thoughts your way.

 

[gilmargl]

I'm not a therapist but in my experience no good therapist would recommend moving to a new city, getting a cat or making any other radical change at all until the patient is stable. Changes always bring new fears and uncertainties to the surface on top of all the other issues which haven't been dealt with adequately.

So, please don't blame yourself. You have already done a lot for this cat, who obviously appreciates this. He is in a much better shape than when you adopted him, so pat yourself on the back! You did well! Don't spoilt it now by returning him to people who obviously did not treat him half as well as you have done.

Since he is adding to your health problems, rather than solving them, I would advise you to look seriously for a goog local cat shelter, which can hopefully help both you and the cat. Don't whatever you do, give him up too soon. You are not in a good position to decide exactly what you want or need. There have been too many rather unstable people on this site, bemoaning the fact that they have given up a cat and want him back desperately. Too late!

Tell the people at the shelter your story and, if possible, do what you were considering doing in the first place, foster him until a good new home can be found for him locally. I have fostered many cats, and, although I don't feel too happy when they are adopted, I can't keep them all and have to accept the fact. Hopefully, while fostering him for the shelter, you too will find peace of mind, and be able to give him up without feeling guilty or you may even decide to keep him. It is certainly your choice but don't do anything in a hurry. Take each day as it comes!

I sincerely hope you find peace of mind and that the cat finds a lovely home - either with you or with a new family.
Get well soon!

 

[tearycatmom]

Oh, this one is tough! And I'll tell you why...the fact that he sleeps on you means that he trusts you utterly. He considers you "his person." He is relaxed and contented with you. So take that into consideration. i assume that you do touch him when he settles in with you for the night. He's apparently happy with that level of contact, even though he may be the Life of the Party with visitors. Every cat is different. Yours shows every sign of being happy and content with the life he has with you.

Would he be able to adjust to a new home? Almost certainly, and he has been treated kindly by you, which helps. SO...you do what you must for your own peace of mind. I hope that your boy can remain with you, but if you rehome, do so very responsibly. Contact the people who fostered him, and explain your situation, and that he needs to be rehomed through no fault of his own.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Thank you for responding! I do touch him and gently pet him when he sleeps on me. While I know logically it's a good sign that he's happy and content with me, I just feel guilty in the fact that he's settled in and I'm not experiencing happy feelings myself but I'm also very concerned that if I do give him away, I'll be even more unhappy and not be able to live with myself. So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. Hopefully my therapist will be able to give me some clarity.

 

[tearycatmom]

I'm not a therapist but in my experience no good therapist would recommend moving to a new city, getting a cat or making any other radical change at all until the patient is stable. Changes always bring new fears and uncertainties to the surface on top of all the other issues which haven't been dealt with adequately.

So, please don't blame yourself. You have already done a lot for this cat, who obviously appreciates this. He is in a much better shape than when you adopted him, so pat yourself on the back! You did well! Don't spoilt it now by returning him to people who obviously did not treat him half as well as you have done.

Since he is adding to your health problems, rather than solving them, I would advise you to look seriously for a goog local cat shelter, which can hopefully help both you and the cat. Don't whatever you do, give him up too soon. You are not in a good position to decide exactly what you want or need. There have been too many rather unstable people on this site, bemoaning the fact that they have given up a cat and want him back desperately. Too late!

Tell the people at the shelter your story and, if possible, do what you were considering doing in the first place, foster him until a good new home can be found for him locally. I have fostered many cats, and, although I don't feel too happy when they are adopted, I can't keep them all and have to accept the fact. Hopefully, while fostering him for the shelter, you too will find peace of mind, and be able to give him up without feeling guilty or you may even decide to keep him. It is certainly your choice but don't do anything in a hurry. Take each day as it comes!

I sincerely hope you find peace of mind and that the cat finds a lovely home - either with you or with a new family.
Get well soon!

Thanks so much for responding. I honestly wish I had seen a therapist sooner before getting this cat to prevent me from putting myself in this situation, but hindsight is 20/20. I'm trying to give myself through Monday to decide if I want to move forward with possibly rehoming him and I think the idea of fostering him during the process is a good one. Maybe if I foster and then when I have to really make the decision, I will have some clarity. I will definitely take your advice and try to take each day as it comes, today is a better day overall and I'm trying to just live with him instead of agonizing over a decision, since the decision seems to spark off my anxiety cycles.

 

[MackerelTabbyStripes]

Thank you for responding! I do touch him and gently pet him when he sleeps on me. While I know logically it's a good sign that he's happy and content with me, I just feel guilty in the fact that he's settled in and I'm not experiencing happy feelings myself but I'm also very concerned that if I do give him away, I'll be even more unhappy and not be able to live with myself. So I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. Hopefully my therapist will be able to give me some clarity.

It honestly sounds like he is fine? I really don't see anything objective in your messages that this cat is missing. He is clearly being fed, kept clean, he feels trusting with you, he receives affection. I think HE is fine.

I'm more worried about YOU. I think you might be putting a high level of self-perfectionism expectations, possibly even almost a punishment. You're so concerned that you aren't living up to the perfection of what you think your cat needs -- that even your internal feelings aren't sufficient so therefore maybe you don't deserve him at all and he needs to go somewhere else.

I'm glad you do have a therapist, because I think talking through your feelings of guilt / insufficiency / inadequacy is going to be helpful to you long term. I really, really don't see anything here that indicates that your cat is actually suffering while you go through this process though. If your therapy is working for you, you could try keeping him and working through your feelings slowly while you continue to meet his basic needs of shelter, food, affection, clean litter box. If you ever are struggling with meeting any of his real, basic needs, or if you and your therapist decide that it would be better for your personal journey to try placing him elsewhere, you could consider either boarding him a bit (if you have the finances for it), or the foster scenario others have already suggested. At this point I think that having him nearby is possibly the default for you and that you will miss him horribly if he goes. Having him boarded even for only a weekend or so would answer that emotional question for you though, with no consequences for his legal / adoption status, would be fully reversible.

I think fundamentally you should try to be kinder to yourself, and I am very glad that you do have a therapist you are working with. I am hoping you will feel better soon.

 

[MackerelTabbyStripes]

He's the type of cat who deserves someone who is obsessed with him and will give him so much love and I just don't know if I'm capable of that now. Do I make him wait and see for me to go through therapy, figure out what will actually make me happy and then maybe able to finally give him the love he deserves?

Double posting because this bit also jumped out to me. Cats operate in the level of action, physical things in this world moment-to-moment. He responds to you, he receives petting, cuddles, etc, and this is what he wants and deserves. He does not live in the world of meta-thought that we do, where we are constantly analyzing not just the physical reality of our experience, but our thoughts and reactions, our reflections, our worries about the future, etc. He is not worried by your anxious thoughts, he is not judging you for any imperfection of feeling. He just enjoys your body warmth and closeness, trusts that you feed and care for him, and that is enough for him.

If you do need to let him move on in his own journey without you, and responsibly return him to the foster or find another home for him, he won't blame you or feel guilty of what happened. He'll just continue living, in his new context, in the moment, like cats always do. He will be fine, and you will have given him a safe, caring place for whatever amount of time of his life that you are able to share with him, whether that ends many years from now with his passing, or weeks from now in a new foster home.

 

[noani]

Honestly, sounds like me for the first weeks if not longer with both cats I have now. And still now, occasionally.

My place is small, my income isn't great, my mental health is up and down but therapy helps.
They have all they could ever need yet I always feel like it's not good enough. Like I'm not doing enough, providing enough, just.. not good enough.

Every situation is different, but if you don't have to, I wouldn't make a decision right now. It sounds like starting regular therapy is a very good step and one that will help you better figure out what you truly want. Then you can make this decision from the right place - not from unrealistic overly perfectionist high standards or feeling less than because you're not feeling gushing joy.. it's a transition period and it takes getting used to.

From the way you are talking about him, I get the feeling that he is very content where he is with you and isn't lacking anything. My own therapist said something to me during one of my near breakdowns over basically this question, I can't remember the words but the message was: bad people don't ASK themselves if they are bad people, and the way you worry about being good enough for them speaks volumes about how good they probably really have it.

I don't remember exactly how she phrased it and then translation too, but that was basically it.

In my own personal experience, I now wouldn't give them up for the world. They've ended up helping me maybe more than I them! Even if that doesn't turn out to be your case after careful consideration with your therapist, you can still make a decision then. There is no real reason why you have to decide by Monday (except that the indecision is causing you turmoil of course, but again, I'm hoping the therapist will be able to help with that). It doesn't sound like he's lacking affection and he seems content with the current you.

So I wouldn't think of it too much as "making him wait" while you get better - he sounds happy with sticking around either way and he seems happy with hanging out with you no matter if you are feeling sad, anxious, and generally going through some struggles and things to figure out. He just seems to like hanging with you because he feels safe, cared for, warm and content with the YOU that you are regardless of your worries and anxiety.

 

[ZukoCat]

This got long. If you wanna just skip to the gist I bolded it.

I am a first time cat owner. I had talked about adopting a kitten for a while; my mother in law has a lot of strays that hang around their cabin, often arriving in not great condition, and I had expressed several times I wanted eventually take in one of the kittens that show up there and adopt it. Often times mothers with litters or even a single kitten will appear on the verge of death .

We visited one day and there was a newborn that was near skin and bones. He was such a cute boy, but almost no chance he’d make it without intense care. My heart went out to him, but I was not in a position to take on a cat.

However, I couldn’t get him out of my mind, and on a whim I ended up driving back down one evening a few days later (a 6hr round trip). We lured him out, caught him, and I took him to an emergency vet as soon as they opened the next morning.

There was not a great chance he’d survive, he had basically every health issue a cat could have, but I was convinced I had to save this cat. I took him home got him settled… and almost immediately was filled with regret.

What was I thinking?? What did I just do?? My husband and I are on a budget right now trying to save money and I just added a huge financial burden to the family. I have been battling my own health problems, we’d both recently left our jobs, I had gone back to school, we were both struggling with our mental health.

We have a 4yo golden Retriever. She’s sweet and generally loves people and animals, but what if she and the cat don’t get along? I have asthma what if he triggers it? Most of my family is allergic to cats, what if they don’t want to visit us anymore? What if I start having bad allergies from him? Why did I take on a cat when we have so much else going on?! And one that needs so much extra attention, time, and money?! I acted in the moment because I felt sorry for him, but was it really the right decision?? He would have died if I hadn’t taken him in, but can I really say it was a good decision for me and my family?

I had so many regrets. So much anxiety. And then I would feel bad for regretting saving him. And the longer it went, the more I had invested in him. How could I stop now? And I’m stuck between I’m with him and he’s so sweet and I think, I love him so much I’m so glad he was saved, and then I lay in bed at night crying and so stressed about what I’d done, and guilty I felt like he was a mistake.

I can understand completely where you are coming from. This feeling of why did I take on this extra responsibility. I am not in a good place myself. How can I take care of him. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this.

After a lot of emotional nights, long talks with my husband and my mom. Eventually I started to, kind of, settle into my decision? If that’s the right way to put it? For me, in the end I was happy and I wouldn’t give Zuko away for anything. But that’s a personal decision. In the end, I had to decide if I would feel worse giving him away than keeping him. And once I made my decision, one way or the other. I needed to stop stressing about the what ifs. (Easier said than done )

It took time, but I think any big change is going to bring anxiety about whether it’s the right choice, especially if it’s long term or affects another being. If you have issues with mental illness anyways (like me) it will be that much more extreme. If you’re going through other major life changes? I think you see where I’m going

As much as it sucks, it unfortunately does really come down to a personal decision. I decided to keep Zuko, and that was good for me. If I had decided to give him up to someone else, that would have been just as good. Whatever you decide, is going to be what is right and best for you. You know yourself better than anyone. And if you think it’s the best choice for you, it will be. And if you decide not to have a pet now but decide to try again in the future, that will be ok, and if you never have another pet at all that will be ok too!

I know this got very long, but this was something I struggled with a lot. I want you to know the regret and anxiety and guilt you are feeling is normal and common. Whatever you choose will be right. The cat will be happy no matter what. Do what is best for you!! Even though that can feel like a selfish choice, I promise it’s not.

Also, even though I am happy with the choice I made, that doesn’t mean there aren’t times I might still feel like, oh things would be easier if I didn’t have a cat, or still worry about my family. But even then, I know now I made the choice that was best for me! There’s no right or wrong/good or bad in this; whatever you choose will be the right choice.

I’d love to hear back from you and know how you are doing either way! I hope your therapist can help you get clarity, and I hope your move goes well and you settle into the new apt and city. It sound like you are dealing with some depression right now in general, that is something on its own that is very difficult, I will be thinking of you on your journey.

 

[noani]

Hi everyone,

Looking for some advice and some non-judgement here. I scrolled through some of the other cat anxiety threads but I think I may have something worse than just the post-adoption blues.

I grew up having cats and have been wanting one for years. Until about a year or so ago, I lived in places that didn’t allow me to have a cat. The plan was always to foster a cat because someday I'd have an apartment on my own and I would work from home and it'd be the perfect landing pad for cute little old senior cats and then eventually foster fail at some point. About two months ago I moved to a new city and decided that I would adopt instead of foster to "show my commitment to my new city" and I was also feeling pressure (both placed on by myself and my family and friends) to get a cat as a companion. Many of my friends and family told me I wouldn't be able to emotionally handle fostering and would just end up adopting anyways. So I decided to commit when I saw a cat online.

I wasn't able to meet him before I picked him up since he was coming from out of state and from the moment I picked him up two weekends ago I have felt intense regret. He had a few behavioral issues at first (yowling whenever he couldn't see me, etc) that seem to have resolved itself. He also smelled pretty bad from transport and kept getting litter stuck in his fur but I got a groomer to come and fix him all up so now he smells ok! So my excuses or reasonings for this whole thing not working have dwindled. Honestly, he’s an amazing cat - loves to sleep next to me - even as I'm writing this he is sleeping basically on top of me. I do live alone and have noticed that he only comes out when it's bedtime, he hears other people's voices (movies etc do not get him to come out, only other people's voices like when I am on the phone), or when people come to visit. He's a total ham with visitors and even lets them rub his belly. Getting a second cat is not an option, my apartment is just not big enough. So I do wonder if my home is the right fit in regards to it just being me.

But the worst of it all is that I've been crying to the point of sobbing basically every day from anxiety but also the realization that I'm pretty unhappy and lonely with my life in general and just used moving to a new city (something that was supposed to make me happy) and getting a new cat (also something that was supposed to make me happy but surprise! it didn't) and so I've just put two band-aids on a wound that probably needs sutures. I did have an emergency therapy session last week (didn't really help) and starting with a long term therapist this week to hopefully work on these deeper issues. But while that's happening I have a cat whom I'm responsible for and supposed to love but honestly if the foster family came to me right now and said “we want him back” I would give him back in a heartbeat. He's the type of cat who deserves someone who is obsessed with him and will give him so much love and I just don't know if I'm capable of that now. Do I make him wait and see for me to go through therapy, figure out what will actually make me happy and then maybe able to finally give him the love he deserves? Or do I work with my rescue to find him a home where he will have that love that maybe I can't give him now? I've talked to my friends and family and they all say it's "my decision" and they won't hate me for either way I decide but I feel like a complete failure for even feeling this way.

If you made it all the way to the end, thanks for reading and any advice would be appreciated.

Hi tearycatmom,

Are there any updates? Hope you are holding up well.