Rest in peace, my little worm

[donutte]

That's such a sweet picture - I do that to our cats sometimes too, with their ears :lol3:   They are all such good sports.....I can tell Lucky was a very cherished kitty,  you have such good memories of him 

Thank you. He always put up with us doing things like this. He didn't care, as long as we loved him.

I finally changed my FB profile pic today. The last time I changed it was the day after he died. Couldn't bring myself to change it before now. Even now I'm crying. It's hard to force myself to do things even though I know it's not doing any harm, and I won't forget him just because I don't have his picture there. I really, really have to convince myself of that.

 

[donutte]

Been thinking about tomorrow all week. Tomorrow you'll have been gone for a quarter of a year. I'm trying to wrap my head around that. And it was 13 weeks ago today. 13 weeks... that's how old the boys were when they were neutered. Another month, and you'll be gone longer than the boys got to know you. Wow.

Your birthday will be here before that next month comes around though. It's going to be kinda bittersweet this year. I celebrated yours and your sisters' birthdays on the same day as mine, since I didn't know your real birthday (well, Maple really was born on my birthday, but you and Sara were always a mystery). I'm so glad we did a big celebration for you guys last year. I truly, truly had no idea it would be the last one I'd have with you. We celebrated with Appetizers. I still remember you left the shrimp behind. I think Sara ate it up. She was more than happy to do that! I also remember saying happy birthday to my kittens that day, because you were all kittens as far as I was concerned. In fact, I often called you my Kitten Cat when you were younger, and then just Kitten the last year or two. Had so many nicknames for you, more than I could count.

Your nephews are continuing to grow, so much. I can't believe they are both bigger than you were. Oliver is over 10 lbs! He reminds me so much of you when you were older - such a sweet old soul. Oscar is the little trouble-maker you were in your youth. My goodness, is he ever. I think he was channeling you today when he pulled down not only Mom's curtains, but the whole curtain rod! But despite how much of you I see in them, I definitely see their own personalities blooming before my very eyes.

Love you so much, my little boy! Mama misses you more than you know!

 

[donutte]

Your birthday is coming up on Tuesday, little one. As is your sisters' and mine. It's hard for this to NOT be bittersweet this year. I wish I could say how much I'm glad I listened to my gut last year, and went out a lot less, just spent more time at home with you guys. And also celebrated all of your birthdays as well as mine last year. I'd never truly done that before, but we did last year. Never realized it would be the last chance I'd get to do it with you, of course.

I'm surprised I remember this stuff from last year as clearly as I do, considering how foggy I was in the head. I had a really bad flu around and during my birthday and a pretty high fever. Mom still insisted I go get cake though. Seriously, it was the last thing I wanted to do right then! I picked up some Appetizers for you and your sisters though also, the ones with the shrimp in it. And then the next day, which was 52 weeks ago today, I gave them to the three of you. You ate everything but the shrimp and then LEFT it! I remember wondering if something was wrong with you! Sara was happy to eat the shrimp though. She LOVED getting two shrimp.

I'm watching the kittens and Pea-Pea (you would have loved her so much, Lucky) in their "tornado mode". Makes me think so much of when you'd get "the crazies" when you were older. You were the lone kitten when we got you so not sure there were tornado modes so much with you, but you did get "the crazies" quite a bit! Even last year, and even after you got diagnosed with that horrible illness (at least once that I can remember anyway). I cherished every one of those moments of "normal" those last 16 days, let me tell you.

So hard to believe you would have been 17 tomorrow. I remember when you turned 10, the years seemed to go by so fast. And you just didn't seem that old. Then next thing I knew, you were a teenager. How the heck did that happen, you were still just a kitten? You started slowing down just a tad over the next few years. You never seemed to get old until after you got sick. Even when I got the kittens, while you were the uncle that was teaching them the ways of the world, you still played with them just as hard as they played. No one was going to "out-crazy" the Luckman! I think your being with them those four months helped mold them into the beautiful young cats they are turning into. They are sweet and loving as much as you were. They're not really big cuddlers - you were quite the opposite - but they are amazingly sweet and loving, albeit a little crazy at times, haha.

The tears have been flowing this whole time, trying hard not to break into racking sobs. It's hard. Over three and a half months later, I just wish I could pet you one more time.

 

[margd]

 

 

 

 

   

Thank you for sharing more about your beautiful, special little boy.  Lucky was such a great cat and I am so sorry he left you.  

 

[donutte]

Happy birthday my sweet little boy *kisses to heaven*.

 

[donutte]

I promised myself I wouldn't cry today. And I woke up this morning and was able to think about it without crying. But then saw a pic of someone's CKD kitty playing like she was a kitten. I swear, it could have been you in that video. Of course the tears started flowing.

I know you're around though. You've made your presence known in some pretty unique ways. Of course, you yourself are unique, so I should not be surprised. I was starting to think you left me completely but now I know better.

 

[zed xyzed]

RIP sweet Lucky 

Donutte I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are in 

 

[margd]

 

 

 Donutte  

 

 

I'm so sorry about Lucky.  He was such a great cat.  

 

 

   [emoji]127752[/emoji]

 

[donutte]

It is getting better. This month was rough, with it being his birthday and what-not. But it is getting better. Someone I passed by at work yesterday asked how I was doing, and I said I was doing great. And I actually meant it! I think it's the first time I've said it where I truly meant it.

I'm actually at a point where I *want* to go out more. I don't necessarily do it, but just the fact that I WANT to is a pretty big thing. I've not wanted to do much at all the last few months.

 

[donutte]

Been thinking about you a lot this week in particular, little man. With your sister getting sick - very sick - and slowly getting better, I think back to how this all went down with you. Wondering if I acted hastily - maybe I should have waited or tried more things? The only thing that saves me from going down that "what-ifs" path is the realization that it was not my decision, it was yours. And then I started feeling angry that you wanted to leave. I know that's irrational, but I did. I just wanted the best for you, I always did. But maybe you knew something that we didn't, I just don't know. I never will either. I can only take to heart that I did what you ultimately wanted.

It's been so hard, Lucky. Going through this with you, and then the same exact thing with your sister less than five months later. I was still grieving you - still am - and wasn't ready. But life is a bit cruel that way sometimes, it doesn't wait for you to be ready, or more appropriately, healed, before piling on more crap.

I like to think you are part of the reason your sister is getting better. That you've been her guardian angel. And I know you're here, Pea-Pea is channeling you quite a bit lately. She's also been a LOT more talkative lately, much like you were when you tried really hard to have a conversation with us.

Life is slowly getting back to normal - the new normal anyway. Everyone is settled in their ways. The boys remind me more of you every day. Oscar has your beautiful silky coat and is a total mama's boy. He always greets me at the door when I come home. Oliver is the gentle old soul, very deep, not at all "in your face" type of kitty. Well, except when he wants to go upstairs. He's even been doing slow blinking with me. And he sleeps up by me like you always did. It's hard to believe they're going to be a year old next month.

 

[donutte]

Been almost a month since I've had the chance to talk with you, boy. Your sister lost her battle, which I'm sure you are already well aware of, as you had to show her the ropes. I know she missed you, and I'm sure she was ecstatic to see you again. It's just so hard to believe you are both gone now. Even harder to believe that you've been gone just a week shy of six months. Where has the time gone? I can hear your purr as clearly as I could the day you left. It was so distinct somehow.

Busy taking care of you sister Maple and your nephews, and the niece you never got to know. Your nephews will be a year old in a week and a half. Which means they've been here for almost ten months. I'm just so glad they got to know you, even though Oscar especially had a rough time of your passing.

 

[goholistic]

  

  

 

[donutte]

Six months have gone by quite quickly. And yet, I was sobbing today as if you left just yesterday. I don't know how six months could have gone by with me surviving without you. I didn't think it was possible. I can't tell you how many years I dreaded that day, the one that was six months ago today. I remember having talks with you, saying you needed to let me know if it ever came to that, that it was time to go. And you didn't fail me. You told me in no uncertain terms, even though we'd already decided we'd be taking you in the next day. I guess you didn't want me to change my mind. I'd be lying if I said the thought didn't occur to me.

I miss you more than anything, little man. I miss how you'd always come to bed with me. You would wait for me to settle in before you got on the bed, waiting patiently on the table till I was tucked in. Your spot was always in the crook of my arm. To this day, I still sometimes hold my arm there, as if saving your spot. Oliver has decided to take over that spot, but doesn't do it until after I've gone to sleep. He didn't at first, but eventually he did.

Trying to think of the good times. Trying not to think about how robbed I felt. Robbed that you were being taken from me. Robbed that I couldn't watch you enjoy one more meal before you left, because you had no interest in eating. Robbed that I couldn't even watch you enjoy a single thing because you felt that badly. Instead, trying to remember that I was lucky to have had that one last night with you. Holding you until I drifted off to sleep, even though I wanted nothing more than to stay up all night with you.

Wanted to share some more Lucky pictures. Because for all the heartache I've gone through, and still am (crying my eyes out as I type this), the amount of sheer joy this little boy brought me is beyond compare.


This is my favorite picture of my little boy. I think he was around 7 here.

Lucky - 2006.jpg

• donutte
• Apr 24, 2015

Rolling around on the counter. 8/13/13. I've not seen the counter so clean since before he died.

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• donutte
• May 12, 2016

These two are from 1/14/14. I posted the first one because, seriously, cute paw. A pipe burst above my bedroom on 1/6/14 so was sleeping on the living room chair for about a month. That's when Lucky started sleeping with me, and it was after that that I started leaving my bedroom door open. I'm so glad I did.

WP_20140116_001.jpg

• donutte
• May 12, 2016

WP_20140116_002.jpg

• donutte
• May 12, 2016

These are all from 2/17/14. The carpet had been replaced after the aforementioned pipe above my room burst. Lucky was making sure everyone knew it was HIS carpet.

WP_20140217_005.jpg

• donutte
• May 12, 2016

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• donutte
• May 12, 2016

WP_20140217_007.jpg

• donutte
• May 12, 2016

WP_20140217_008.jpg

• donutte
• May 12, 2016

8/31/14. One of Lucky's favorite places to sit - a freshly-delivered warm pizza box.

WP_20140831_003.jpg

• donutte
• May 12, 2016

 

[betsygee]

I have no words.  Just wanted to offer a hug.  

    

 

[jenny82]

Very nice pictures.

 

[goholistic]

Aww, Lucky looked like such a love bug. 

  I'm sorry you're still hurting so much.

 

[donutte]

Yeah, hard to believe how much I miss the little man. He had a hold of my heart from the day I met him. I still remember being told we were getting a new cat when I woke up one morning, and then mom told me how that had come to be. I don't think it quite sunk in right away how awful it was, but this little guy was just so resilient, and not shy at all. Went with my father to go pick him up. I had no idea what he looked like, and I remember, for some reason, being disappointed with how he looked. So silly of me to care about such a thing so much. And then I brought him home and he could hardly walk because his poor little paws were all torn up, so I carried him around on a pillow. And so our bonding started. I literally carried the little guy everywhere the first month or so, then eventually he got to the point he could jump on his own. I was on disability for severe depression at the time, so this guy was, quite literally, my everything.

I'm just so thankful to have a way to share him with you guys. That seems to help so much. Thank you all for letting me share him with you.

 

[goholistic]

And thank YOU for allowing us to know Lucky through your eyes and heart. I feel like I can truly say, "Lucky, it's been a pleasure to get to you know you" without having met him at all.  

 

[Loving Mickey]

Your Lucky was such a beautiful kitty, and still is. He will always be beautiful and he will always be with you. Our loved kitties never leave us.
They remain in our hearts forever.
I can understand how you are still hurting over your Lucky. It has not been long at all. I still cry over my Mickey, and it is almost two years that he passed. I don't teally believe the pain goes away. It just gets a little easier to deal with.
I understand completely when you say that "Lucky was your everything".
I feel the same way about my Mickey.
I was devastated when I lost my mom, and my Mickey was always there for me.
He helped me to cope with that loss.
I am truly sorry that you are hurting so bad.
I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.
Just know that both Lucky and Sarah will always be with you, watching over you and protecting you.
You did everything to help them, and now they will help you!!

 

[donutte]

Was watching this tonight and thought I'd share. Lucky was playing with his "mouse" toy (that's what we called it anyway). Sara even showed herself a few times. That's my mom you hear talking and laughing in the background. This was on May 22, 2014. I think it's the only video I have of him, I wish I'd taken more.

[VIDEO][/VIDEO]