Rest in peace, my little worm

[donutte]

Realized today was six weeks since Lucky left. I sit here and wonder sometimes how I've managed to survive that long without him when I couldn't imagine doing so before. Felt that way after one day, one week, one month... 

And there isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think about him. My kitty soulmate 

Thanks for all the support guys. This has been a particularly tough week for some reason.

 

[zed xyzed]

The holidays are more difficult when our loved ones are not with us. The caring and support  you provide members on this site is a wonderful and beautiful tribute to your sweet boy. Lucky is a little angel looking out for his fellow kitties. 

 

[Loving Mickey]

Truly sorry for the pain you are feeling. It is so heartbreaking when we lose our "special" kitty.
It is still very fresh for you. I hope it gets easier for you with time.
For me, it doesn't seem any easier. I miss my kitty more every day.
It is harder with the holidays. We remember how happy we were when our loved ones were still with us, both human and pets.
Lucky is watching over you and loving you. He will comfort you when you need it the most, just as you always comforted him.

 

[noracatowner101]

May your kitty RIP. I am very sorry for your lost, but don't take this time as a sad moment. Think about positivity.

 

[mani]

 
May your kitty RIP. I am very sorry for your lost, but don't take this time as a sad moment. Think about positivity.

   Sometimes we need to grieve, and re-grieve... It helps the process.

Thinking of you @Donutte

 

I love LovingMickey's words:

Lucky is watching over you and loving you. He will comfort you when you need it the most, just as you always comforted him

 

 

[donutte]

 
   Sometimes we need to grieve, and re-grieve... It helps the process.

Thinking of you @Donutte

 

I love LovingMickey's words:

Lucky is watching over you and loving you. He will comfort you when you need it the most, just as you always comforted him

 

Like so many other things, that made me tear up reading that. Like the poem that someone had sent me the day he died, that's what those words remind me of. 

I've had... tremendous guilt over living my life without him, so have been trying to hold onto him for dear life. And every time I start realizing I'm moving on, the guilt just overwhelms me. I have had to give myself permission to live a life without him in it. It just feels so... not right to do it, to move on. But I have to give myself permission to do it anyway. 

You'd think this is the first pet I've ever lost. It's not, and it it's not by far. He was the first cat I had entirely in my adult life though. I was 22 years old when we got him. I know he had a good life, especially considering the circumstances under which we got him. And only one night - ever - since we got him did he have to sleep in the cold wet outdoors, and that was because he snuck out shortly after we moved here. He never wanted for anything though, he always had fresh food, fresh water, a room over his head, warmth, a clean litter box and a whole lotta love. And I wish I could go back and open my bedroom door to him so much sooner than I did. I didn't until the beginning of last year, and all because my bedroom flooded and needed to be repaired, which meant I slept in the living room. He joined me every night, and I got so used to him being there when I slept. And sure enough, he slept in my bed every night after that until he died. I never realized what a blessing in disguise that flooded bedroom would be.

Sorry, I've been sitting here bawling the whole time I've been typing this. I think I've calmed down again. I know Lucky is there. I also know that he is waiting for me to live again. He visits me when I'm least expecting it, like the middle of the night. I feel something walking along the top of my pillow, like he always used to do. I reach up to see which of my other cats it is and there is nothing there. He's the only one that ever took that path onto my bed. He even used to step on my face sometimes, silly boy.

 

[margd]

Your words made me tear up. Lucky was so fortunate to have you. You mustn't feel guilty about moving on - that is an innate part of the grieving process. Of course it is easier said than done, I know.

I have a wish for you - that Lucky visits you in your dreams. Although my Milo died many years ago, a few weeks ago I dreamed about him and it was just like having him with me again. I woke up feeling more at peace about losing him than I'd ever felt before.

So..,may Lucky share your dreams. [emoji]128149[/emoji]

 

[jenny82]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  RIP Lucky, you're loved so much.

 

[donutte]

Just having one of "those days" I think.

Last night, I was looking at the towels on my bed. I had to put one on my pillow because my hair was wet, so just randomly picked up one of the folded towels. I opened it up and I saw little clippings of black and white hair in it. It was like I got hit in the head with a brick. It was the towel we'd wrapped him in the day we had him put to sleep. He was wrapped in a blanket as well, the blanket stayed with him though. I had asked the Cat Whisperer if she could cut some of his hair for me, which she did and put it into a small bag. i guess there were a couple of snippets that somehow remained on the towel. Not really sure how they got there, we'd taken you out of the towel at that point. I just folded the towel back up, hair and all, and put it back down on my bed, and then used another towel for the pillow. Feeling a bit stunned though at that point.

This morning, I heard you visit me again. I heard you jump up on my little table by my bed and give that little meow you always gave. It was how you greeted me every morning. You never did like for me to sleep too late, at least late by your standards. I looked over, thinking it must be one of the boys or Penelopy (sometimes they sound so much like you) but no one was there. The boys were at the foot of my bed already, and Penelopy was not in the room. So I know it was you.

Your little nephew Oliver is in my lap right now. he reminds me soooo much of you, both in how he looks and his personality. He's a bit of an "old soul". He's not so little anymore - he's bigger than you were! he and Oscar both are. It makes me laugh because I know no matter how much bigger than you they may have gotten, you would have definitely kept them in their place. You were their role model, after all.

 

[kittens mom]

I keep a tote and each time I come across an artifact I put it in there and close the lid. I don't interact or dwell on them right now. It is always a physical shock to come upon something of our lost babies .

 

[donutte]

I came across a few things in the last two days. All of my shirts that I put on Lucky when syringe feeding him. All the ones I wore when syringe feeding him. The fur clippings though, that shocked me a bit.

 

[kittens mom]

 
I came across a few things in the last two days. All of my shirts that I put on Lucky when syringe feeding him. All the ones I wore when syringe feeding him. The fur clippings though, that shocked me a bit.

I had a super fluffy Hello Kitty robe that Kitten loved to nap on. I used it to wrap her in when I tube fed her. It had bits of that food all over mostly from me checking the temp and making sure there was no air in the tube. I bagged and disposed of it. I doubt I could have ever worn it again. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what to do and you just go with your gut. It's never easy.

 

[donutte]

I've actually had a good few days. Dare I say, I even had days where I didn't cry. I kept waiting for that to happen - a day where I wouldn't cry. I mean, it's been almost two months now. I still can't believe it's been that long. I think my cold and chronic headaches and been pre-occupying me too.

Then I had a brief moment of thinking about something in particular he did. I smiled, and then realized I'd never see him do that again. That kinda started the water works. Got them turned off pretty quickly though.

I saw a post from a friend on FB who just lost his dog today. Someone posted a meme with this poem:

Grieve not,
nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me
as if I were beside you...
I loved you so --
'twas Heaven here with you.

~Isla Paschal Richardson

I have always loved this poem. It has also always made me cry. And i just lost it. I still am even as I'm typing. I just miss him so much.  I miss having him next to me in my bed at night. Or waking me up in the morning in the way only he did. Or how he'd always come running in the room, meowing, when we'd sing "wah wah woo!", as if to say, "I'm here! Adore me!" He could have been in a sound sleep in the other end of the house, and he would still come running.

 

[kittens mom]

Grief runs it's own agenda. There are times when my arms physically ache to hold Kitten. Well all just have to muddle through together.

 

[Loving Mickey]

So sorry for the pain you are still feeling over the loss of your sweet Lucky. It is totally understandable, though. Lucky was a special kitty and he was YOUR kitty. You loved him and still do, always will. The pain in your heart may lessen over time, but you will always feel somewhat empty without him. My Mickey is gone now about 18 months now. In fact, it is just 18 months today. Now, people may think that is a long time and I should be "over" it by now. I know that I will never be over it. At times, the pain is still very unbearable. I often feel so alone without him. The point is, just give yourself time. Grieve for your precious Lucky for as long as you need to. You will have good days but also bad days. I hope that one day you can think of your Lucky with more smiles than tears. I do feel your pain.
Remember, Lucky is still with you, purring softly in your heart, where he will remain always!

 

[donutte]

The other day, they took Penelopy in "the back" to have her stitches removed. I always imagined it looking like a lab for some reason. It was just room number 4. Ironic how Penelopy's first visit at the vet was in the same room as Lucky's last visit. Apparently they don't normally use the regular rooms for that purpose, they have a special room when animals are put to sleep. Like so many other things from that day, I don't remember the reason she had told me. 

I've been in Room #3 a few times since then. It's not the room Lucky was in where he left his mark. He was declawed on the front but still had these little things on his paws that might as well have been claws. On one of his visits (before he was diagnosed) he was stretching all Lucky-liked and "clawed" the seat a bit. Needless to say I was a bit shocked! But I keep looking for that room. His room, that he marked. Maybe it was Room #2.

It's still so weird how much Penelopy sounds like him when he sings. It's caught my mom off-guard so many times she's thought she was losing her mind until I told her that was Penelopy. He had his own song that he'd sing. When she sings, it sounds so much like him. Lucky did always have a bit of a higher-pitched voice  

 

[donutte]

It's been two months today since you left, baby boy. I'm amazed how quickly this last month went by. I remember that very first week... god, it crawled by, felt like years. I still cry, but not as much. I know you never liked for me to cry. You'd put your paw on my face as if that would make tears stop. I try so hard not to, but they are just always there, ready to come out at a moment's notice.

You sure did leave a huge hole in my heart, bigger than anyone else. And no one will ever fill it perfectly like you did, but we have filled it a bit with the addition of Penelopy. And in a way, with the boys as well, even though they were here before you left. I of course had no idea you wouldn't be here just four months after that, but you were really the reason I got them. They looked like you! And that lady saw my cover picture with you and said "They look just like your kitty, it's kismet!" She was right, it was. Even though they are not you, they remind me so much of you in many ways.

But then other ways, not so much. You're the only one that ever used a paw to open the door. Most of them just push the door open with their heads, but you were a gentleman and used your paw. Maybe that was something that came with age, because you used your head to open my door at the old house - opened the lock as well!

And (not so) little Oliver, he goes upstairs, and then whines when he wants to come back down. You use to hit the door when you wanted back down. I seriously sometimes wondered if you took a flying leap from a few steps up so you could throw your whole body against it - you'd hit it that hard! Sara always has a gentle *tap tap tap* that's' how we knew which one of you it was. But Oliver, nope, little whiner. He sounds a LOT like AJ, more than anyone else. I know it's been a long time since he left too, but I'm sure you've hooked up with him in the last couple of months.

Oscar has your fondness for climbing things. Anything and everything that he can. He's such a smart boy. He acts pretty stupid sometimes, lol, but he's smart. He has a lot more of your personality from when you were much younger. I'm sure you saw a lot of yourself in him even in the four months you were here with him.

Anyway, I love you my boy. Take care for now. My friend's kitty is very sick, and will probably be coming to the Bridge very soon herself. If she does, please greet her, along with the brother she never met. I know you two have already made acquaintance, I'm sure. She will probably be confused, but I know you'll comfort her. You have a way with that like no one else did.

 

[zed xyzed]

 For  Lucky

 

[donutte]

Been thinking about you a lot today, boy! The tears just won't stop flowing today and of course I just ran out of tissues.

So, I went to get tissues, and decided to give your sister her treats while I was up. Don't tell her that her pills are actually in there. Ha, I remember how much you came running for those treats when she had to start taking those pills. It didn't take long before you'd hear the pills rattling in the bottle and you'd come racing in so fast. If ever I couldn't find you, all I had to do was shake that bottle and there you were. And then of course that time I was getting a "mommy treat" from the candy jar and you came flying into my room and just leaped up onto my bed! I was like, is this really my 16-year-old cat?? And I looked at your little expectant face and told you that you already had your Lucky treat. This was a mommy treat, not a Lucky treat. And of course, you suckered me into giving you another treat. I had no idea what the future was going to hold, but so glad for those memories.

I was perusing through some pictures, and came across this one of you. You were in mom's lap, and she'd turned your ears inside out. You always had so much patience with us and our silly things that we did. And loved us despite that.

WP_20150107_007.jpg

• donutte
• Jan 24, 2016

You loved having your belly rubbed as much as possible, for as long as possible. I was more than happy to oblige! You loved being petted, and having your head scratched. I learned so late in your life how much you loved having your chest scratched. I couldn't believe there was a part of you I'd not known about! I used to tickle your nose with the tip of your tail. I do that to your nephews now too. Sometimes they like it, other times they pull their heads back. Oscar is weird and doesn't like his head being touched. I'm so not used to that! He just gives me that look like, "You touched my HEAD!"

Anyway, thinking about you a lot. As usual.

 

[jolie0216]

That's such a sweet picture - I do that to our cats sometimes too, with their ears 

  They are all such good sports.....I can tell Lucky was a very cherished kitty,  you have such good memories of him