Passive Aggressive Jerk Cat

[TardisDance]

Back in late September, I adopted a now nearly 2 year old male cat, Kirby. We had some bumps along the road with introductions to our nearly 5 year old female cat, Sango. I shared in prior threads of how Kirby would chase Sango around and she perceived it as bullying and hid. I used a lot of the advice shared on this forum and other cat behavior sites and things have improved a lot.
In fact, she chases him a lot now to play with him.

A big however though- Whenever she is resting on a spot, Kirby will be a jerk wad and have to groom her until she's irritated enough that she moves off her spot. I think he's doing this on purpose to claim her favorite spots. Sometimes she will swat him and he'll back off but 9 times of 10, she will move. I get the whole cat pecking order, except when Sango gets kicked off her resting spot, she will start meowing at me for attention and even start pawing at me (or the couch, full claws out) - she is a very attention seeking cat and always wants my attention specifically. I play with her constantly and when she rests, it is a blessing!

I have tried moving Kirby but that's only a temporary fix. It sometimes helps playing with him while she rests, but again that's temporary (and I want to rest too, especially in the evenings after work) - and sometimes playing with him wakes her up. I have plenty of cat trees, perches, etc. for them, but he only wants where she is resting.

Is there anything I can do to improve things? Or is this a time thing because he's still a fairly new cat to our house? He occasionally finds his own resting spots but he mostly wants to be where she is (and usually that's somewhere near me, being the clingy thing she is).

 

[di and bob]

it sounds all perfectly normal! And going much better than a lot of early introductions. Don't worry, they will work it out. Kirby more than likely is NOT doing it to be a jerk, he is licking her to be closer. She, being a female, and the limit setter, the manners teachers, wants nothing to do with him. That is a very typical reaction for a female, and believe me in a year she may very well be ruling the roost. She may be still a little uncertain and giving in to his demands, just because of the newness of the situation, but she will, in time, establish where she stands. I know it is hard to watch your little girl have to move, but playing with her after she does so just enables him to more easily move her the next time if she knows she will be rewarded. And he has most likely already discovered he can get your attention, good or bad (it is still attention) if he bothers her. I take it he is neutered, a tomcat will be much more bothersome and aggressive. Take your time away from them, tell her NO when she uses her claws on you, and they will establish their relationship just fine. Believe me, females are the much more ferocious one of the two!

 

[TardisDance]

He is neutered but he was a late neutered. He was just over 1.5 years old when he was neutered. I had adopted him just one month later after his neuter. He was from a feral colony but found to be social and friendly.

I suspect his earlier "aggressive" behavior i.e. chasing her, was due to hormones and playfulness since he's young.

The grooming behavior is the one irritating thing he still does. On a few occasions he has "bit" her scruff. I put this in quotes because he really didn't draw blood, but she did wince in pain and ran away when he did it. He's a big boy - about 12 lbs and super long and she's around 8.5 to 9 lbs and just a small cat (she reminds me of a siamese but she is a tuxedo). I think he doesn't understand how small she is and his strength.

 

[di and bob]

Biting the ruff is a show of dominance. She WILL stand up for herself eventually. It's still early in the introductions and she is uncertain and intimidated right now. Give her extra treats and encourage her to sit close to you when he enters the room, you can intervene. Get a long toy called a kickeroo on Amazon or at a pet store and throw it towards him when he comes towards her. I have two and keep one in a plastic bag of catnip to keep it refreshed. Cats can't resist them and it gets rid of a lot of aggression and energy.

 

[vince]

Kickers are an excellent way to release pent-up energy. Kirby isn't that far beyond kittenhood, and probably wants to play.

I have a six year old that scruffs his three-year-old "sister." She'll take it for only so long, then bites him and runs away. Yours will probably end up doing the same. It doesn't mean much; they're still very closely bonded.

 

[TardisDance]

I do have kickers but he mainly likes to use them after wand toy time. I have one of the yeoww bananas, large shark and a Kong kickeroo. He will go for the banana if I toss that - others are after the wand play.

The main areas he does this "dominance" thing is a heated k&h window perch in my office with a bird feeder outside and the couch in the living room - I have one cat heating pad by the arm opposite where I sit that she loves. I put in a second heating pad next to it closest to me - nope he still wants the one next to the arm of the couch! I even looked into wrap around window perches to put above the main perch on Etsy or maybe diying a bigger perch for my office- I have the current one drilled into the window sill - I'm too scared of those suction double decker ones falling. I already put a 2nd perch in my husband's office with another bird feeder! He won’t use it! We are trying so hard to keep the peace! Cats lol!

For the most part, they are good with one another. I can feed them together no problem. It’s actually been great because she’s now willing to eat wet food - I‘ve been trying for the past 2 years to get her to eat wet and well, now she wants it, because he does! He’s super polite and even though she grazes, he will wait a few hours to give her a chance to finish hers. She also chases him around to play - sometimes she’s a bit much for him and he hides under the couch or rests on the couch when he’s had too much - She’s a bit nuts for a 5 year old cat. And when he does that, she bugs me to play - even though I play with her sooo many times a day - she wants to run up and downstairs with her wand toy in her mouth - it’s her game with me and it’s tiring lol

 

[di and bob]

I think it sounds normal and wonderful! Her chasing him made me laugh!

 

[TardisDance]

di and bob oh good! This is my first time owning 2 cats as an adult and I just don’t even know what is normal.

 

[TardisDance]

Things have been getting worse this week. It's like he's reverted to his old bullying behaviors. Sango will go to greet him with a head butt or go near him and he goes to smack her or bite her. It mostly is over this window perch he wants. I've tried to distract and play more but it's not helping much. I've had to go back to the time outs I used to do. He even tried to bite me a few times when I tried to time him out and I've ended up scruffing him. I wish I knew what was going on - he's been in such a mood recently. I nearly rehomed over his past bullying.

 

[di and bob]

Is there any way to get two window perches or another spot that is just as good? Maybe if they both had a nice spot. Smacking, nipping at her warns her to keep her distance. If she was really getting hurt she wouldn't go near him. I have a bully too, I have to pull the two brothers apart almost every night right after we go to bed. He won't learn either. But everyone lives together fine otherwise.

 

[TardisDance]

I have 2 other perches but in different rooms. The one they fight over is in my office. I have 2 windows in my office but the 2nd window is blocked by my corner desk. I thought things were improving since he was starting to use other resting spots, but now he's fixated on this one perch again.

This afternoon, he bit her super hard under her chin and I thought he drew blood (thank goodness he didn't!). He was again trying to steal the perch from her. He groomed her and then she tried to groom him and that's when he bit hard. She tried to paw him to stop and ran away. I gave him a time out and put him in his safe room (my husband's office). He's been in there for about 2 hours now. I'm going to let him out soon. He's been sleeping. This was after continually timing him out today. I hope he gets the message to not be mean to his "sister."

We don't let them out together yet at night when we sleep because of these issues.

 

[FeebysOwner]

Unless you are looking for a long respite for everyone, two hours in 'time out' is really not any better than about 1-2 minutes in terms of trying to teach him anything - any may actually be worse. He has long forgotten what got him 'stuck' in that room by the time you let him out. He could actually misunderstand why he is in that room for so long.

Office window not big enough for two cat trees close together - or a 'double decker' type perch? I would be inclined to move him to the second tree if he is shooing away Sango. Then, place her back on her tree. If he does it again, repeat. A third time, do a time out, but not for so long. And always place her back in 'her spot', along with a loving petting. That way you are telling her you 'have her back'. It could help to build confidence. Worth a shot anyway!

 

[TardisDance]

FeebysOwner I would never otherwise do a time out for so long but he was stressing me out - I work from home and hardly got any work done today. He’s actually pretty chill now and hasn’t swatted Sango or anything yet. He‘s on one side of the couch and Sango is in my lap.

I looked at the double decker perches but am worried since they are all suction cup types - We have the current perch drilled into the window sill, a K&H heated perch. He’s a big cat (12 lbs. and growing, another issue we have to tackle, he‘s a bit of a piggy). I have a mini cat tree/bed in his room he uses all the time, and I could get identical one and put it beside the window perch maybe? It’s one of these from Chewy. I would love suggestions - I have no problem buying additional cat furniture if it means it keeping the peace and there’s actual room for it.

I may try the moving him to another perch idea - it’s worth a try anyway! I’ve been considering anti-anxiety meds for him if all else fails. They sometimes feud on the couch beside me, but Sango will usually go on my lap instead.

 

[TardisDance]

Possible success. I ordered a similar cat tree to my original off of Chewy and it just delivered today in a huge box (last trees all required assembly so I was surprised). I sprinkled some catnip and Kirby's already resting in it. The window perch has been slightly moved to the right (I need to repaint the sill at some point anyway so filling in wood holes isn't a big deal).

A good sign anyway - it's off gassing a bit so hopefully this fades in a few days.

 

[di and bob]

Oh I hope this is it. Maybe some peace!

 

[CatWhisperer247]

Back in late September, I adopted a now nearly 2 year old male cat, Kirby. We had some bumps along the road with introductions to our nearly 5 year old female cat, Sango. I shared in prior threads of how Kirby would chase Sango around and she perceived it as bullying and hid. I used a lot of the advice shared on this forum and other cat behavior sites and things have improved a lot.
In fact, she chases him a lot now to play with him.

A big however though- Whenever she is resting on a spot, Kirby will be a jerk wad and have to groom her until she's irritated enough that she moves off her spot. I think he's doing this on purpose to claim her favorite spots. Sometimes she will swat him and he'll back off but 9 times of 10, she will move. I get the whole cat pecking order, except when Sango gets kicked off her resting spot, she will start meowing at me for attention and even start pawing at me (or the couch, full claws out) - she is a very attention seeking cat and always wants my attention specifically. I play with her constantly and when she rests, it is a blessing!

I have tried moving Kirby but that's only a temporary fix. It sometimes helps playing with him while she rests, but again that's temporary (and I want to rest too, especially in the evenings after work) - and sometimes playing with him wakes her up. I have plenty of cat trees, perches, etc. for them, but he only wants where she is resting.

Is there anything I can do to improve things? Or is this a time thing because he's still a fairly new cat to our house? He occasionally finds his own resting spots but he mostly wants to be where she is (and usually that's somewhere near me, being the clingy thing she is).

When this situation starts to develop, hiss at the offender and growl knock it off or something similar. Stare for a moment at the cat youre reprimanding. As soon as that cat breaks eye contact with you and moves away from the situation, praise the cat and give the cat a treat.

 

[TardisDance]

C CatWhisperer247 I’ve actually done the hissing thing before - it really doesn’t work too well in this scenario as it scares both cats and I want Sango to keep her place on the window perch and not get bullied off.

Now that I have a cat tree and window perch next to each other, it’s mostly resolved in the past few days that I’ve had this setup. The difficult part is now determining the intent of Kirby’s grooming. This evening they were on the couch and he started grooming Sango. I was tempted to reprimand him, because I was worried he was trying to kick her off, but they ended up cuddling for nearly 2 hours. Then just a few minutes ago, she was on the couch again and she started to groom his tail and then he turned and started grooming her and she smacked him - I was glad to see this because she just doesn’t tell him off enough and just leaves. He backed right off thankfully. She then she decided to go on my lap for cuddle time.