My little Pumpkin died today

Kwik

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Thank you!

I got up a short time ago and will stay up a little while before going back to bed. I've got garbage I need to take out, so that will give me something to do. I should have taken care of it earlier but I was so tired.

My grief is literally wearing me out.

<hugs>
I'm still praying when you do get back to sleep you'll meet Pumpkin in your dreams .....he's there even if you can't see him

Sweet Dreams my friend,sent you a pm if you're still up❤
 
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dianajune

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I'm still praying when you do get back to sleep you'll meet Pumpkin in your dreams .....he's there even if you can't see him

Sweet Dreams my friend,sent you a pm if you're still up❤
Thank you! I'll be going back to bed in a couple of minutes! <hugs>
 
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dianajune

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Thank you! <hugs>

I don't know where I found the energy for this but I did a lot of housework today. I placed a grocery order at Walmart and added a new vacuum cleaner to it because the one I had before Pumpkin died stopped working good no matter how much maintenance I did on it.

It works great but is very noisy. Pumpkin could probably hear it all the way to Heaven! lol

I will go out again tomorrow if the weather is good. For now it's rainy and miserable looking out.

I can't thank you, Kwik, and everyone else here enough for the support you've all been giving me since before Pumpkin died. I'm hoping that tomorrow I will hear back from the shelter that is nearby about whether they want this extra stuff that belonged to Pumpkin. If they don't, I will ask his vet if they'd like to take it off my hands and give it to their clients.
 

Kwik

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Thank you! <hugs>

I don't know where I found the energy for this but I did a lot of housework today. I placed a grocery order at Walmart and added a new vacuum cleaner to it because the one I had before Pumpkin died stopped working good no matter how much maintenance I did on it.

It works great but is very noisy. Pumpkin could probably hear it all the way to Heaven! lol

I will go out again tomorrow if the weather is good. For now it's rainy and miserable looking out.

I can't thank you, Kwik, and everyone else here enough for the support you've all been giving me since before Pumpkin died. I'm hoping that tomorrow I will hear back from the shelter that is nearby about whether they want this extra stuff that belonged to Pumpkin. If they don't, I will ask his vet if they'd like to take it off my hands and give it to their clients.
That's a great idea,maybe you'll hear from that shelter tomorrow but if not then good thinking!

I don't know where you found the energy either but at least your keeping yourself busy,all that work will surely help you sleep better!

You don't have to thank me,there's no place I'd rather be than here for ya! I believe I can say the same for all our mutual friends here- ❤

Remember to check your personal messages too🤗
 

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I didn't think about that. For now the flowers are holding up pretty good. If I dry them in the oven, how high do I have to turn up the heat and for how long?
<hugs>
4 Ways To Dry Flowers To Preserve Your Favorite Blooms
I would have to ask, but I *Think* my Mom used a dehydrator. I would keep the oven very low and check them often. I know you can dry herbs by hanging them upside down in a dry room, but this can take quite awhile. ❤
 

iPappy

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Thank you! <hugs>

I don't know where I found the energy for this but I did a lot of housework today. I placed a grocery order at Walmart and added a new vacuum cleaner to it because the one I had before Pumpkin died stopped working good no matter how much maintenance I did on it.

It works great but is very noisy. Pumpkin could probably hear it all the way to Heaven! lol

I will go out again tomorrow if the weather is good. For now it's rainy and miserable looking out.

I can't thank you, Kwik, and everyone else here enough for the support you've all been giving me since before Pumpkin died. I'm hoping that tomorrow I will hear back from the shelter that is nearby about whether they want this extra stuff that belonged to Pumpkin. If they don't, I will ask his vet if they'd like to take it off my hands and give it to their clients.
I am so glad you had the energy to do some things today.

This is just my experience, but, if it helps you I'm happy to share it. I had a very odd situation happen after I lost Tag, then again with Goofy. When I started to feel a bit better after awhile, I felt extreme guilt for feeling happy or laughing at funny things. It took awhile to get over that. Nothing made them happier than sharing that happiness with me.
In a way, I felt like by laughing and feeling happy I was forgetting them or leaving their memory behind. Like they were forgettable, or disposable. It made me feel horrible.
I had to (and sometimes I still do) make a conscious effort to remind myself that I am never, ever going to forget them or leave the many, many wonderful memories we shared behind. But out of respect for their lives, and my own sanity, I needed to do all I could to move on *from the horrible memories of the illness that took them*. I didn't want their many years with me to be reduced to remembering those last few weeks with them and nothing more. I wanted to honor their lives by remembering the good times and living a good life for them, as well as give the next generation of pets I have the absolute best life I can. It sounds dumb, but, it really was a thing for me and this is the way I found it easier to cope with the loss.
 
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dianajune

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4 Ways To Dry Flowers To Preserve Your Favorite Blooms
I would have to ask, but I *Think* my Mom used a dehydrator. I would keep the oven very low and check them often. I know you can dry herbs by hanging them upside down in a dry room, but this can take quite awhile. ❤
I've been thinking about getting a food dehydrator but haven't gotten around to it yet. As for the oven, with my luck I'd probably burn them! lol
 
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dianajune

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I am so glad you had the energy to do some things today.

This is just my experience, but, if it helps you I'm happy to share it. I had a very odd situation happen after I lost Tag, then again with Goofy. When I started to feel a bit better after awhile, I felt extreme guilt for feeling happy or laughing at funny things. It took awhile to get over that. Nothing made them happier than sharing that happiness with me.
In a way, I felt like by laughing and feeling happy I was forgetting them or leaving their memory behind. Like they were forgettable, or disposable. It made me feel horrible.
I had to (and sometimes I still do) make a conscious effort to remind myself that I am never, ever going to forget them or leave the many, many wonderful memories we shared behind. But out of respect for their lives, and my own sanity, I needed to do all I could to move on *from the horrible memories of the illness that took them*. I didn't want their many years with me to be reduced to remembering those last few weeks with them and nothing more. I wanted to honor their lives by remembering the good times and living a good life for them, as well as give the next generation of pets I have the absolute best life I can. It sounds dumb, but, it really was a thing for me and this is the way I found it easier to cope with the loss.
I've been having those exact same feelings. Going out the other day when the weather was good felt awesome except for the part about Pumpkin not waiting at home for me. It's still difficult for me to go out, esp. if it's something fun.

Tonight I was giving myself an insulin shot and hit the wrong spot and it stung. It brought back memories of when he was put down. The first shot - that sedative - was going to sting, so said the vet. I wasn't prepared for how Pumpkin reacted to it. He really squawked. Once it took effect he slept like a little angel He was at peace. I feel horrible because I let them do this, kind of like I was betraying him.

After I remembered all of this I started bawling again. I wish that I could have brought him home alive that day.

Moving on is going to be very difficult. I am still in a lot of pain.

Thank you for listening!

1714964967046.png
 

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Bawling is OK. It’s cathartic. I bawled so much when my cat passed I ran out of Kleenex and has to start in on the TP. You can cry so much it leaves you dazed, exhausted but also somehow cleansed. And like iPappy, I got to thinking after awhile that if I stopped crying I wouldn’t be “honoring” my cat somehow— that not being in a permanent state of grief meant I didn’t love him…but it isn’t AT ALL true. If possible I love him even more— you break through to a place where it is all love, all good memory and the grief lets go of you…it is all just about time & taking care of yourself & healing.
 

Kwik

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I've been having those exact same feelings. Going out the other day when the weather was good felt awesome except for the part about Pumpkin not waiting at home for me. It's still difficult for me to go out, esp. if it's something fun.

Tonight I was giving myself an insulin shot and hit the wrong spot and it stung. It brought back memories of when he was put down. The first shot - that sedative - was going to sting, so said the vet. I wasn't prepared for how Pumpkin reacted to it. He really squawked. Once it took effect he slept like a little angel He was at peace. I feel horrible because I let them do this, kind of like I was betraying him.

After I remembered all of this I started bawling again. I wish that I could have brought him home alive that day.

Moving on is going to be very difficult. I am still in a lot of pain.

Thank you for listening!

View attachment 475739
As I read each and every person's post it's actually been helping me as well,I wish I would've shared with others 8 yrs ago and dealt with all my emotions instead of feeling " what's wrong with me" or why can't I stop crying and all the guilt I've carried around with me for all these years ......it does not make it HURT less or make me miss him less but it helps to know its okay to feel all the things that I think myself crazy...... I want to stop replayng " that day" over in my head and want to remember all the good times but still it's overshadowed by the last terrible year,month,week and oh Lord- that day

Seeing pictures of Pumpkin and talking about his life,his beautiful life as your best friend is what we all need to remember- always . Like the adorable little kitten stuff and antics and whst made us fall so deeply in love with our furbabies
 

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Please, please don't beat yourself up. You need to realise that you went above and beyond the call of duty for your cat. The fact that you are so concerned about doing the right thing by him proves what an amazing pet parent you were, the best he could have had. You were not betraying Pumpkin by having him put to sleep. You were showing how much you loved him by preventing him from suffering more. I know how crushing low self-esteem can be, and I know how hard it is, but what you badly need now is to relax and cut yourself some slack.
 

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I feel horrible because I let them do this, kind of like I was betraying him.
I am going to be very, very honest here. IF I could have my dearest wish, it would be that when my life has no more joy, when it has become a burden, that someone who loves me as much as you love Pumpkin would make the same selfless choice for me, someone would be willing to put my wellbeing above their own heartbreak, and then sit with me, whispering words of love as I went through that Gate that we all pass through eventually. That's what I wish. And that is what Pumpkin KNOWS that you did.

Sometimes they don't come back to us in dreams. Sometimes they come as butterflies, which symbolize transformation, they sometimes come as dragonflies (wishes fullfilled) or birds (freedom). Pay attention to little things, they can speak louder than dreams. A shadow flitting by, where no shadow should be. My gran always said that finding a dime meant someone in heaven was sending you love, and I now have a big jar of dimes that I found after loved ones had died. I even found several after Hekitty died in February, which was amazing because I do EVERYTHING with a debit card now, I NEVER have change!
 
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dianajune

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Bawling is OK. It’s cathartic. I bawled so much when my cat passed I ran out of Kleenex and has to start in on the TP. You can cry so much it leaves you dazed, exhausted but also somehow cleansed. And like iPappy, I got to thinking after awhile that if I stopped crying I wouldn’t be “honoring” my cat somehow— that not being in a permanent state of grief meant I didn’t love him…but it isn’t AT ALL true. If possible I love him even more— you break through to a place where it is all love, all good memory and the grief lets go of you…it is all just about time & taking care of yourself & healing.
I did lots more of that today, even after I went out and ran errands. I catch myself thinking about having to get home to take care of his meds or something else, and then I remember that he's gone. This is a new normal I do not like.

I hope the pain will ease soon. I wasn't prepared for how bad this would be.
 
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dianajune

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As I read each and every person's post it's actually been helping me as well,I wish I would've shared with others 8 yrs ago and dealt with all my emotions instead of feeling " what's wrong with me" or why can't I stop crying and all the guilt I've carried around with me for all these years ......it does not make it HURT less or make me miss him less but it helps to know its okay to feel all the things that I think myself crazy...... I want to stop replayng " that day" over in my head and want to remember all the good times but still it's overshadowed by the last terrible year,month,week and oh Lord- that day

Seeing pictures of Pumpkin and talking about his life,his beautiful life as your best friend is what we all need to remember- always . Like the adorable little kitten stuff and antics and whst made us fall so deeply in love with our furbabies
I hope that in Heaven, the Lord will let me see Pumpkin as a kitten. I didn't meet him until he was about 3-4. He was an adorable little loveable ball of fur. Today I met the new puppy that belongs to someone on staff here. He was so loving and started to snuggle in my arms just like Pumpkin used to. You'd have to see him.

I keep replaying "that day" too and I need to stop. Seeing that cute little puppy helped and I hope to see him again soon.
<hugs>
 
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dianajune

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Please, please don't beat yourself up. You need to realise that you went above and beyond the call of duty for your cat. The fact that you are so concerned about doing the right thing by him proves what an amazing pet parent you were, the best he could have had. You were not betraying Pumpkin by having him put to sleep. You were showing how much you loved him by preventing him from suffering more. I know how crushing low self-esteem can be, and I know how hard it is, but what you badly need now is to relax and cut yourself some slack.
I'm tryng to cut myself some slack but it's not easy. I learned to be hyper critical of myself, probably because I was picked on endlessly at home while growing up.

Old habit are hard to break.
 
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dianajune

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I am going to be very, very honest here. IF I could have my dearest wish, it would be that when my life has no more joy, when it has become a burden, that someone who loves me as much as you love Pumpkin would make the same selfless choice for me, someone would be willing to put my wellbeing above their own heartbreak, and then sit with me, whispering words of love as I went through that Gate that we all pass through eventually. That's what I wish. And that is what Pumpkin KNOWS that you did.

Sometimes they don't come back to us in dreams. Sometimes they come as butterflies, which symbolize transformation, they sometimes come as dragonflies (wishes fullfilled) or birds (freedom). Pay attention to little things, they can speak louder than dreams. A shadow flitting by, where no shadow should be. My gran always said that finding a dime meant someone in heaven was sending you love, and I now have a big jar of dimes that I found after loved ones had died. I even found several after Hekitty died in February, which was amazing because I do EVERYTHING with a debit card now, I NEVER have change!
I think that seeing a new puppy in my building today helped a lot. He belongs to someone on staff and they let me hold him for awhile. I wanted to take him home with me!

Maybe this was Pumpkin's way of saying "I'm ok Mommy, don't worry about me." I hope.
 

Kwik

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I think that seeing a new puppy in my building today helped a lot. He belongs to someone on staff and they let me hold him for awhile. I wanted to take him home with me!

Maybe this was Pumpkin's way of saying "I'm ok Mommy, don't worry about me." I hope.
I believe so,no doubt Pumpkin wants you to know he's very well,like a happy ,healthy little kitten again

I'm so glad you got to cuddle with the little puppy- puppy's are just adorable ,if only they didn't need to go for walks and such I'd certainly have some doggies but it's just not feasible living in a Condo and having health issues ( you were probably thinking the same thing with that puppy in your arms,lol)

Ever hear from the shelter?
 

Mamanyt1953

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I did lots more of that today, even after I went out and ran errands. I catch myself thinking about having to get home to take care of his meds or something else, and then I remember that he's gone. This is a new normal I do not like.

I hope the pain will ease soon. I wasn't prepared for how bad this would be.
It will ease in general reasonably soon...but probably not in terms of "days." More like weeks. Possibly months. And certain things will trigger you for quite some time. I lost my girl in February of this year, and there are still so many triggers. I'll be fine for a few days, then...I'll eat taquitos, think, "I must save a few licks of sour cream for Hek," and fall apart for a little bit when I remember that I, in fact, do NOT need to save her licks for her. But...a bit better each week. A bit. It takes just as much time as it takes, not one moment less. Be patient with yourself, you so deserve your own consideration during this first while.
 
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dianajune

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I believe so,no doubt Pumpkin wants you to know he's very well,like a happy ,healthy little kitten again

I'm so glad you got to cuddle with the little puppy- puppy's are just adorable ,if only they didn't need to go for walks and such I'd certainly have some doggies but it's just not feasible living in a Condo and having health issues ( you were probably thinking the same thing with that puppy in your arms,lol)

Ever hear from the shelter?
The shelter tried calling today but I was out of the house and didn't bring my phone with me. I hope to speak with them tomorrow. I'll keep you posted! :)
 
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