My little Pumpkin died today

[Kwik]

The love and devotion of a cat is a special thing. Pumpkin still loves you, he's just not here in the physical form. And remember, you have many friends here on TCS who care about you as well!

I was going to comment to Diana & say- " I truly care about you" because I do BUT I think I know what she means-?

I truly care about you D dianajune

 

[dianajune]

The love and devotion of a cat is a special thing. Pumpkin still loves you, he's just not here in the physical form. And remember, you have many friends here on TCS who care about you as well!

Thank you!

 

[dianajune]

I was going to comment to Diana & say- " I truly care about you" because I do BUT I think I know what she means-?

I truly care about you D dianajune

Thank you Kwik! I care about you as well! I appreciate everyone here at TCS. You're all like the family I always wanted to have!

 

[Kwik]

 

[dianajune]

I am struggling a lot with my loss today. This Saturday will mark the one month anniversary of Pumpkin's death and I still feel responsible even though the vet told me there was nothing I could have done to stop this.

The vet who did his heart tests pretty much said the same thing.

I wish that I asked for a necropsy but it's too late now. The thought did occur to me however, to contact his vet again and ask for a copy of Pumpkin's medical records. I don't want to be a pita but I desperately need closure. I'm still having a very difficult time accepting what happened.

In other words, I am a hot mess and can't find any peace. Is it normal to feel this way almost a month after the death of a pet?

 

[Mamanyt1953]

It is perfectly normal to feel this way a month after the death of ANY loved one. No matter how many legs they have. It takes time. How much time? Well, as long as it takes. Different for every person, and for every loss. And it seems to me that the longer/harder we had to fight for them, the longer it takes.

Having had necropsies done, and not done, I am convinced now that no matter what they may reveal, it does NOT take away the "I SHOULD HAVE..." at all. Because we always return to the, "If I had known/I should have known," when, in fact, we just cannot know what we do not know, and could not have known until a necropsy was done.

 

[dianajune]

It is perfectly normal to feel this way a month after the death of ANY loved one. No matter how many legs they have. It takes time. How much time? Well, as long as it takes. Different for every person, and for every loss. And it seems to me that the longer/harder we had to fight for them, the longer it takes.

Having had necropsies done, and not done, I am convinced now that no matter what they may reveal, it does NOT take away the "I SHOULD HAVE..." at all. Because we always return to the, "If I had known/I should have known," when, in fact, we just cannot know what we do not know, and could not have known until a necropsy was done.

I just hope that my baby knew that I loved him and still do, even though death now separates us. We were together for over 11 years and went through much adversity together (my health issues, his, dangerous neighbours where we used to live, etc).

Getting back to his medical records, I probably won't ask for them. Anything important has already been discussed. I just wish the pain of losing him would go away. I can't handle this anymore.

Thank you!

 

[Kwik]

I just hope that my baby knew that I loved him and still do, even though death now separates us. We were together for over 11 years and went through much adversity together (my health issues, his, dangerous neighbours where we used to live, etc).

Getting back to his medical records, I probably won't ask for them. Anything important has already been discussed. I just wish the pain of losing him would go away. I can't handle this anymore.

Thank you!

Of course he knew he was(is) loved-no doubt ,just by the way he was with you is proof of that- you don't have a cat respond to a person and bond with them as he did with you if they don't feel love

I don't know if some of us ever get real closure,I know eventually you come to accept more and adjust better- some people seem to move on with their lives more quickly than others- maybe they just don't show it or say how they feel,I don't really know as everyone has their own time line to process their grief and tp coping with loss....

I'm probably not a good example of " moving on" qith your life or "getting closure" but as Mamanyt1953 has said that the open wounds,,that raw fresh pain does scab over,the pain becomes less intense in time and then you have a scar,a wound that healed but the scar remains and we never forget

A month is a really short time,you had over a decade with Pumpkin-thats a really long time.Diana,it's perfectly normal to feel as you do

 

[rubysmama]

I am struggling a lot with my loss today. This Saturday will mark the one month anniversary of Pumpkin's death and I still feel responsible even though the vet told me there was nothing I could have done to stop this.

The vet who did his heart tests pretty much said the same thing.

I wish that I asked for a necropsy but it's too late now. The thought did occur to me however, to contact his vet again and ask for a copy of Pumpkin's medical records. I don't want to be a pita but I desperately need closure. I'm still having a very difficult time accepting what happened.

In other words, I am a hot mess and can't find any peace. Is it normal to feel this way almost a month after the death of a pet?

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I lost my Ruby, so I'm only halfway as far along as you are, but I am still missing her terribly, and having thoughts of "should I have done something differently, or sooner". So I think I know a bit of how you're feeling. I do believe it will get better in time. I also believe feeling this way is normal, as for most of us, our pets are as much members of our family as the humans.

 

[dianajune]

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I lost my Ruby, so I'm only halfway as far along as you are, but I am still missing her terribly, and having thoughts of "should I have done something differently, or sooner". So I think I know a bit of how you're feeling. I do believe it will get better in time. I also believe feeling this way is normal, as for most of us, our pets are as much members of our family as the humans.

Pumpkin was much better to me and closer to me than anyone else in my family. He was my baby. I was responsible for his care for more than 11 years. That's a long time. We bonded soon after we met before I adopted him.

QE2 once said that grief is the price we pay for love. Her Late Majesty said this after the 9/11 attacks but it still holds true, regardless of the circumstances.

I wish there was something I could do or say to take away your pain.

 

[rubysmama]

I wish there was something I could do or say to take away your pain.

Hopefully time will help for both of us.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I just hope that my baby knew that I loved him and still do

Not only did he know it then, he knows it now. I am sure of that. It has nothing to do with "belief." Due to a very odd circumstance, I spent some time in That Place Where All Things Are Known. There is no "belief" in me, only surety.

I can't handle this anymore.

Darlin', you are stronger than you realize. Grief does that to us. But you lean on us for as long as you need to.

 

[dianajune]

Not only did he know it then, he knows it now. I am sure of that. It has nothing to do with "belief." Due to a very odd circumstance, I spent some time in That Place Where All Things Are Known. There is no "belief" in me, only surety.


Darlin', you are stronger than you realize. Grief does that to us. But you lean on us for as long as you need to.

Did you have a near death experience? If so, did you see pets that passed on in Heaven?

Today was a struggle. I was going to head out today for errands but changed my mind. I just wanted to stay put. I've been sleeping a lot maybe to escape the pain. Last night I had a nightmare where someone was trying to kill me. I've been feeling for a very long time, since before Pumpkin died, that I've been under satanic attacks.

The one who was chasing me around in that nightmare was pure evil. I won't go into further detail because I don't know if that would be allowed here. It was horrible.

Tomorrow (5/25) will be one month from when Pumpkin died.

 

[Kwik]

Even the Bible Says that " dreams " are " the cares of the day"

It's really no wonder you'd have nightmares with this awful time in your life- constant negative thoughts and memories that are anything but " good" and feeling like you've been stabbed in the heart ,the sadness,despair and all those unbearable emotions you're feeling you cannot " escape"..... those are the cares of the day

The Forums are probably not the place for us to discuss our personal beliefs even if some of us agree and are of the same Faith and in One Accord.....I will say,I understand and no doubt we all know what nightmares are especially when grieving

Last week I had a terrible dream- I couldn't get Cheech,he kept going and going,escaping under things,out through doors and just running away from me- something so total opposite of our life together yet he's gone now,for a long time and I can't reach him,I want to but he's gotten away- surely my mind interprets the cares of my day when I'm fast asleep.... weird,huh?

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Did you have a near death experience?

It was actually a bit odder than that...I seem to have been drawn into my father's near-death experience, and when I saw him the next day, he even said that he enjoyed our visit the night before! But yes, I saw both the dog and the cat who were my boon companions in my childhood, and I am sure that if THEY were there, the others were, as well.

 

[dianajune]

I haven't been here for several days because I'm still struggling with losing my baby. Still saying to myself "if only I got him to the vet sooner, he wouldn't have died." Those weird episodes he had - one in January, one in late March and the one several days before he died were probably signs that his heart was going quickly but I thought it was something else.

Pumpkin and I have been together literally night and day for over 11 years. How could I not now his heart was going? The one thing I was really scared of was megacolon because pooping has been an issue for him for years.

I still feel like I failed him and this is all my fault.

 

[rubysmama]

I'm so sorry you're still having those feelings, but I really understand, as I'm having similar thoughts too.

I just googled and found these sites, which though I haven't read yet, might be helpful.
Coping with pet loss guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt

 

[dianajune]

I'm so sorry you're still having those feelings, but I really understand, as I'm having similar thoughts too.

I just googled and found these sites, which though I haven't read yet, might be helpful.
Coping with pet loss guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt

I will check out those links. Thank you!

 

[di and bob]

You are having PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. It is almost impossible to escape it when you are grieving so hard. I was in HORRIBLE shape after my Chrissy died. I had a hand in her death and I will never be the same. Even though none of us would ever hurt our babies, accidents happened with me, and you had no way of knowing at all what was going on with your little one, and bringing him in earlier would most likely have had no difference in the outcome. But the guilt and the should haves could haves still come and haunt us. i couldn't sleep in the same bed for months afterward that I had shared with her, I would burst into tears for no reason, i let grief rule my life for a long, long time. But i had to come here and tell you it DOES get better, but unfortunately it takes a long time. One day you will know for certain your little one still and and always will love you, that love just does not disappear, it will forever be a part of you. Your grief will morph into gratitude for having him share your life's journey, and really, eventually, you will find peace in your heart again. Another thing, you CAN love again. it helps tremendously to be distracted by caring for another little one in time. I was forced to, cats have a way of showing up at my house in the most pitiful shape. That new love can reside right next to your boys' and make it even stronger.
Just concentrate right now on getting through each day. DO NOT even think of the future, try not to dwell on the past and let it grow into being your whole life, just stay firmly in the present, one step at a time processing your grief (and knowing there will be many setbacks coming) and living one day at a time.....

 

[dianajune]

You are having PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. It is almost impossible to escape it when you are grieving so hard. I was inI HORRIBLE shape after my Chrissy died. I had a hand in her death and I will never be the same. Even though none of us would ever hurt our babies, accidents happened with me, and you had no way of knowing at all what was going on with your little one, and bringing him in earlier would most likely have had no difference in the outcome. But the guilt and the should haves could haves still come and haunt us. i couldn't sleep in the same bed for months afterward that I had shared with her, I would burst into tears for no reason, i let grief rule my life for a long, long time. But i had to come here and tell you it DOES get better, but unfortunately it takes a long time. One day you will know for certain your little one still and and always will love you, that love just does not disappear, it will forever be a part of you. Your grief will morph into gratitude for having him share your life's journey, and really, eventually, you will find peace in your heart again. Another thing, you CAN love again. it helps tremendously to be distracted by caring for another little one in time. I was forced to, cats have a way of showing up at my house in the most pitiful shape. That new love can reside right next to your boys' and make it even stronger.
Just concentrate right now on getting through each day. DO NOT even think of the future, try not to dwell on the past and let it grow into being your whole life, just stay firmly in the present, one step at a time processing your grief (and knowing there will be many setbacks coming) and living one day at a time.....

Please don't blame yourself for Chrissy's death!

I've been suffering from PTSD for years, long before Pumpkin came along. I was diagnosed with this because of a number of things including poor health, the premature death of my mother, living in an apt building where there was a double homicide (I didn't witness it but I heard the shotgun blasts), etc. Losing Pumpkin made it much worse.

I haven't been here for a few days because coping can be very difficult and I've got a medical appt this morning I am very worried about. I'm going to an eye doctor - haven't been there in years due to the cost and having no insurance. Now that I am covered, I can get all this stuff taken care of that I put off. I am scared.

Please do not blame yourself for what happened to Chrissy! You love her to pieces just like I love my little boy! <hugs>