My Cat Does Not Liked To Be Petted Or Being On My Lap-dispite All My Attempts To Bond :(

[typhons]

Hi
I have a 11 month old kitten that i adopted when she was 2 month old. I tried to raise her to the best I could: stayed at home a lot to keep her company when she was small, played her a LOT (like 3/4 hours a day for the first 6/7 months and then 2/3 hours today), gave her toys, videos to look at, cat trees ect.... And I do believe that she loves me but she is not cuddly. If I pet her after 2/3 strokes she is done, she never ever comes on my lap, she does want to be held. She sleeps with me but that's it. I am very sad. I have dreamnt of having a cuddly cat like my childhood one and she is not at all like that. When she was smaller I though that she was just to excited about play but she plays way less now but still do not want to cuddle. Why? What can I do about it? Does she really love me or barely? Why does she not like being pet? What can I do about it? I have always respected when she did not wanted to be pet (my bf did not) and never forced her to be picked up. But she still does not enjoy it. My bf actually thinks it's because I played so much with her and so did not teach her how to be cuddly just playful. Is that true? Help

 

[Ghoulofnagoya]

I’m new to the cat thing too ( first time owning without help I mean) but I honestly believe that like humans cats have wide personalities. As a kid I had a cat named Fluffy who was not only uncuddly she was downright mean and a scratcher. Then my sister got a cat named Sandy who would snuggle with me and follow me around all day to be with me. After both passed my family found a cat named Baba and she was a mix of cuddly and leave me alone. So it really is a mixed bag. My new kitten like yours hates to be held or petted. Can’t force him so on special days when he does cuddle it is extra special. The picture attached is the face he gives when he thinks I’m gonna pick him up lol

 

[Elfilou]

My cat is now 2 years old and she has been very much the same as you describe. However, she does like to be petted now and comes to lay against me or on top of me when I'm laying down - but only sometimes! I believe this is because, at some point, I accepted that she was just not a cuddly cat. If your boyfriend forces her it will only make things worse and it will create some sort of aversion.

What you can do is take your time on say a lazy sunday, to lay on the couch with treats and - when she's near you or shows interest in you or interacts with you - you praise that with treats. Teach her that, "Hey! Doing this has its benefits!"

 

[tabbytom]

Hello T typhons , not all cats are lap cats. Some are super gluey, some don’t like to be petted much, some doesn’t like to be petted, some loves bring carried and some don’t. Some are cuddly and some are not. Some follow you around like a lost puppy and some stay at a distance, but having said all these, the cats do really love you. Only thing is they show or display their affections differently and not all cats are the same.

Some are really lap cats and they do like spending time on your laps. Some lap cats are not really lap cats but they hang around you like if you are watching tv, they lay nearby or below your chair or lay down opposite you or on the nearby cat tree or just anywhere near you. So these are the ‘indirect’ lap cats.

My boy, doesn’t like to be carried long, doesn’t sit on my lap, doesn’t like to be petted long but he does the things I mentioned earlier and that’s my lap cat.

Accept your kitty as he is, continue to love him as much as you can and keep playing with him.

Check out this thread :- Being Loved By A Non Lap-cats Or Appreciation Post Of Non Cuddly Kitties

 

[ailish]

I agree that cats have different personalities and you never know what you are going to get when you get a kitten. I think your boyfriend is wrong that you "made" your cat that way. My own cat is a little scary of strangers, loves to be petted and brushed, hates being held, and will lie on top of me but not in my lap if i am sitting. My aunt had a ragdoll that acted like a dog. No interest in laps, but was always right there watching. Your kitten is still very young, and I would not bet the ranch that an 11 month old kitten is going to be the way she is now for all of eternity. Additionally, I have seen adult cats completely change. My sister had a cat that was for many years exactly as you describe. She then rescued another cat who was aggressively possessive of my sister and chased cat #1 every chance she got. This went on for a couple years. When cat #1 was probably 9 years old, cat #2 died suddenly of an aggressive cancer. Ever since #2 left, #1 is a total lap cat, becoming more and more attached. Go figure.

 

[Espalia]

Hi T typhons - I agree with what people are saying here. Cats have a range of personalities, and like humans, some traits they are just born with (everyone is a product of both nature and nurture).

I think a common mistake people make is thinking that if they adopt a young kitten, they can "mold it" to be exactly the way they want it to be when it gets older. This is definitely not true! Until recently I only adopted cats that were at least a year old because by then you can sort of get a feeling for what kind of personality they are going to have. That being said, I do think that abuse and/or a non-cuddly upbringing can cause a cat to be un-cuddly as an adult. Sometimes it's really obvious by the way a family is/treats their pets how their cats ended up being the way they are (skittish, mean, neurotic, etc).

However, I don't think that's what is happening with your kitty, it sounds like she had a very loving and attention-filled upbringing. If you never tried to pet her and settle down with her, and the only interaction you ever had was playing then maybe it contributed to her current attitude. But you'll never know, and it frankly doesn't matter any more. I suggest you try some of the things people mentioned above - keep treats on you and feed when she is receptive to pets. Try petting her as you both fall asleep, in the mornings right after she wakes up, or after a meal. My cat is a little picky about how much/how long we pet her but she loves this double-sided pin and bristle-hair brush I bought for her recently. She will let me brush her with it forever. Maybe you could try something like that to start out with?
Some cats only like being touched in very specific places (most often the head/chin/neck area). Try to find her favorite places and avoid places she is sensitive about (most cats don't like being touched on their stomachs or their sides. Some don't like the tail/base of the tail area either). Also - when I am petting strange cats (as in, cats on the street/I don't know) I always let them smell my hand often while I pet them. I let them smell before I start petting, then after a few strokes, then again... Many cats will let me pet them a few times then walk around a little bit then come back for a few more head scratches, then away... try learn what your kitty likes.
The most important thing is to respect her when she tells you she's had enough. Never continue to cuddle/pick her up/pet her when she walks away or makes an unhappy sound. If you bf forced attention on her when she said she had enough then this could actually be contributing to her not liking the attention - please tell him to stop. As she grows older, she may become more cuddly - she is still quite young.

And remember, just because a cat doesn't love to be petted and cuddled does not mean it doesn't love you. The fact that she sleeps with you indicates to me that she is bonded to you, and enjoys your companionship very much.

 

[basscat]

What tabbytom said. Cats are just all different.
We have one that flat out demands attention in the morning.
Then will not tolerate any attention whatsoever the rest of the day.

I think many times we ask too much of our cats. We want them to be affectionate when WE want. And for most cats, that is seldom the case.
Ours are at their best when we simply ignore them for the most part. We do our thing, they do theirs, and they will come around when they feel like it.

 

[typhons]

Thank you all for your answers. It means a lot to me!!

So to answer:
1. she is really not into brushing, I tried.
2. Yes i always always stop as soon as she starts showing me that she is done(like tail moving). However my bf does not. When she was small he grabbed her waaay to much (like played putting her on his back, around his neck ect..) I got mad a LOT nothing changed. She is now very wary of him and accept only my attention. He is still to insistent on petting and if I don't pay attention he can grab her and not let her go immiedtly. We had so many fights over it there is no changing his mind, he just asnwers" but she is too cute". Anyway...
3. I do think she loves me, but I sometimes can't help but feel insecure about it. I love her a lot and would be sad if she did not love me.
4. Don't worry I will never ever stop loving her because she is not "cuddly", and I will accept it.
5. It's a great thread thanks A lot of nice stories

 

[danteshuman]

Well I might suggest a hearing test for your bf You could try explaining it to him about accepting a cat's personal space. If he doesn't get it, he isn't getting it because he is ignoring you. Ultimately though she is YOUR cat, not his. I don't doubt that his man handling her is setting her back. Also she is young, many cats get more cuddlier as they age.

If I was guessing I would say she was under socialized as a wee kitten, before you even got her. So I'm guessing she may never be super cuddly. It doesn't mean a lack of love for you. Our semi-feral demands his night time pets each night & tells my mom it is time to go to bed! I can pick him up & pet him. It took years, lots of work & his learning from the other completely domesticated cats.

In your case I would suggest getting a very well socialized 2-6 year old cat that LOVES to be held. If you ask a animal shelter I'm sure they can help you find the perfect cat. Sadly sometimes adult carts lose their loving homes. That way she can learn from the cat & you get someone to snuggle up. Better yet your bf can snuggle to his heart content the new cat & leave your cat alone.

If you can't get a second cat or even if you can I would suggest: if your cat gets on your lap, give her 10 minutes at least. Let her come to you asking for affection. Lure her onto your lap with toys. Feed her a treat perched on your lap. If she gets on your lap, don't pet her unless she asks for it. One of my cats, Dante LOVES to be on my lap but doesn't always want to be petted. Lastly you might suggest your bf get a dog . However even the most affectionate cat/dog doesn't want to be petted all the time or picked up all the time.

 

[typhons]

Haha yep when it comes to the cat he often ignore what I want or what she needs.

I can't get a second cat, he is 100 per cent opposed to it plus I leave in a tiny one bedroom hence the lndlord let us have only one pet. So getting a dog is also not possible plus he says he is not ready yet. One day I will adopt a second cat but not right now.

She is not semi feral, she is social and not scared of strangers. And when she was smakker she was very cuddly. My guess is that him man handling her so much is partially the reason she is now relucyant. It is very very frustrating.

I will definitely try for the treats