My baby Bella died suddenly on Wednesday, Aug. 28th.

[mandypine]

It is very true, for someone who can love an animal so much definitely is able to do so for another. I recently just took in a sweet little calico kitten, she's going to be 5 months on the 15th. My boyfriend helped me name her--just like he did with Howie. Her name is Penny and she is so sweet. She's the first kitten to head butt me so it's been a very different kind of love with her! I still cry about Howie because that's just what happens I guess....but I do want to reassure you, it will get better because it has to. Hope you're better today <3

 

[jlc20m]

Bella, 8 months old.jpg

• jlc20m
• Sep 13, 2013

Bella, 10-11 weeks old.jpg

• jlc20m
• Sep 13, 2013

Thank you to you and everyone who is supporting me. I don't know what I'd do without you. I hope I'm support to beautiful people here who are struggling with losses also. I try hard even though I'm not my best. I do care very much, please know...

Thank you, again. God bless...

jlc20m (Bella's mom)

 

[mservant]

What lovely photos showing a very cheeky little character. 

  I'm so glad you posted these.  I still love looking at pictures of my girls and when I do I remember lots of silly moments, and can almost feel their fur. I hope you can start  seeing Bella's photos with happy memories some time soon.    

I couldn't  cope without having a cat to come home to and care for and found a new feline friend as soon as I could despite still being in tears every day missing my Pal - each of us is very different where this is concerned.   You say you have been looking at pictures of other cats but start crying, and seem to struggle thinking of a connection with a  cat other than Bella.  Maybe it would be different if you were able to get to a shelter or somewhere and had contact with other cats and kittens, to be able to see each of their pursonalities and have the physical contact? Even if it is just to have a little companionship and contact with cats but not bring them in to your home and close to your heart yet.  You may even feel a connection with another cat spirit one day and   feel that Bella is letting you it's OK to allow another cat in to your heart.     

 

 

[marshmallow2013]

Hi,

I agree with MServant, holding a cat at a shelter will make you feel better, even if you're not ready to adopt a new cat right now.  Thank you for sharing Bella's playful pictures.  She was truly a beautiful cat.   I can tell by her expressions how much she enjoyed her life with you.   Hope time heals your pain.

 

[jcat]

It's difficult to know when you're ready to open your heart and home to another cat. We lost our Jamie on March 1, and planned on waiting until August or September to get another cat. On March 9 I went to the local shelter to drop off some food and play with the kitties, and there was Mogli. Within an hour I'd gone home to fetch a carrier - it just seemed like it was meant to be.

Of course he can't replace Jamie, and he not only doesn't look like him, his personality is different. He has helped ease the pain of our loss so much. I call him a feline grief counselor.

Just being receptive to the idea of taking in a needy cat is another step in the grief process.

 

[jlc20m]

Dear MServant, jcat, and Marshmallow2013: Thank you, for your loving kindness and heartfelt thoughts. That you all care about a stranger's emotional welfare is absolutely touching. I'm slowly starting the process of letting Bella go, in other words, coming to terms with her physical absence in my life. I've put her little urn in a crystal covered bowl with her three favorite toys, her collar, and pale pink rose and butterfly figurine symbolizing my everlasting love. When I feel better, I wish to print her photos and make a scrapbook of our short time together. I never can forget the angel that she was and want to celebrate her. I have a little plaque beside her ashes stating "They whom we love and lose are no longer where they were before. They are now...wherever we are and especially in our hearts."

Yes, visiting a shelter and cuddling kittens is a terrific idea. Actually, I've done this at my vet's because he boards animals. It is helpful, appreciating the beauty, innocence, and personality of another kitten being. I'm trying to come to accept that although I love Bella completely and miss her to the point where my heart aches (she's gone just over two-and-a-half weeks now) I still can love another little being again who needs a good home. It's not a betrayal or replacement of Bella. Just making room in my heart for another kitten who is in desperate need of love and care and cherishing. I still need time memoralizing Bella. When I feel ready to adopt, I will. All kittens and cats are special and deserving of love and a caring home. I'm not yet ready but hope to be as soon as my heart aches just a little less...

Bless you...

Jlc20m

 

[my4llma]

cat20sorry20for20your20loss.jpg

• my4llma
• Sep 16, 2013

Beautiful Bella

 

[jlc20m]

cat20sorry20for20your20loss.jpg

• my4llma
• Sep 16, 2013

Beautiful Bella

Thank you for thinking of me and my girl that is now an angel in heaven. God bless...

Jlc20m

 

[jlc20m]

My precious Bella (squirt),

It's three weeks today that you were taken from us. You know your momma isn't very good with words. But I want you to know how much my heart aches that you're no longer here to be given love and care. I miss you so very much. I cry every day and wake up at night crying and speaking your name. While I know I can't turn the clock back to before what tragically happened and you will never be with me physically, I still struggle with wanting and wishing for you to be by my side. I also struggle with understanding how you were taken as I never witnessed you getting hurt. Although you doctor tells me it's not my fault, that I couldn't watch you 24 hours a day, I still struggle with guilt. Before you came home, I read so many kitten care books and kitten-proofed our apartment. I did my very best in trying to protect you. But you were such a little angel inlife that I guess God needed you in heaven more than with me. I love and miss you. I hope you can here me talking to you. I ask you to visit me in my dreams. You did once...I was walking down the hallway toward our bedroom and there you were sitting in the doorway...when I called out your name ("Bella!!!") you tilted your little head to your left like you did in life and meowed and then I woke up. Please, when you're ready, please visit me again. I hope you knew and know how much I loved and wanted and cherished you. We'll see each other again my sweetie pie. You are my special and only Bella and now live in my memories and heart. I'm so sorry you were taken as a teenager. You remember me whispering in your ear that we'll grow old together. Now, we'll grow old together in spirit for wherever I am...you are.

With all my love, now and forever,

Mamma (jlc20m)

 

[thisorthat]

You had a beautiful little kitty. One thing, and it's always to compare situations after the fact and say, "well it could've been worse", is that at least she didn't suffer any pain and was surrounded by a warm comforting environment at the end. My baby Moses, as I believe you read, did not have that end. I think he may have just held on till I could catch a flight back so I could say goodbye. I left him in unfamiliar surroundings, with someone who was irresponsible, and he went through hell for days before he finally passed. So take comfort that you were there for Bella during the entire ordeal, it was a natural occurrence, and you did everything you could. I do not have the luxury of such solace, but wish I did...but for both of us the loss is the same. That's how life is. I lost my father two years ago...I managed to get through that eventually. We'll both manage to get through this too. My thoughts go out to you, especially being that she was so young.

 

[jlc20m]

You had a beautiful little kitty. One thing, and it's always to compare situations after the fact and say, "well it could've been worse", is that at least she didn't suffer any pain and was surrounded by a warm comforting environment at the end. My baby Moses, as I believe you read, did not have that end. I think he may have just held on till I could catch a flight back so I could say goodbye. I left him in unfamiliar surroundings, with someone who was irresponsible, and he went through hell for days before he finally passed. So take comfort that you were there for Bella during the entire ordeal, it was a natural occurrence, and you did everything you could. I do not have the luxury of such solace, but wish I did...but for both of us the loss is the same. That's how life is. I lost my father two years ago...I managed to get through that eventually. We'll both manage to get through this too. My thoughts go out to you, especially being that she was so young.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry about your Moses. I truly am. However, I need to clarify that my little one did suffer horribly. I didn't witness her injuring herself (she could have hit herself hard when jumping or fell hard because she was a big girl...not overweight, just big) but she was fine on Monday (Aug. 26th) but by Tuesday morning she stopped eating and drinking and I called the vet that evening and then brought her early to the hospital the next morning. He thought she had pancreatitis (she lost a pound) and could go home by that evening. He took xrays, blood and urine samples. He found out later that her liver was massively enlarged and there was fluid in her abdoman. Also, her blood was clotting as he tried to take the sample. This was all done after I left the hospital and Bella in his care. When he called me back to the hospital she was already dying. She progressed to the point where she couldn't breathe and was constantly dry-heeving and gagging and then vomitting blood. She was screaming and crying! When I seen that my Bella was in such medical distress I don't even know if she knew I was there. God, I hope she knew. I said "Oh my God, my Bella..." The doctor thought she had ingested a foreign body or Advil. I said no, that I watch out for everything. He wanted to do an exploratory on her. She wanted to live so bad that she jumped off the exam table with her last energy and was caught by the assistant so that she didn't fall to the floor. The doctor gave her calming meds and put her on the ventilator and spent over an hour giving her meds to strengthen her heart and lungs. She didn't respond and her heart was getting weaker. The doctor said he couldn't do the surgery because Bella would die on the operating table. He told me there was no hope that she was dying. I held her, crying and sobbing and stifling my screams until her heart beat stopped. I was able to hold her bloody body wrapped in a towel while I rocked her and sobbed and screamed. He asked for my permission to do an autopsy which he did that night. He examined my Bella thoroughly and found no instance of foreign body. He found her liver bruised and ruptured. All her blood work and urinalysis showed healthy results, i.e., no liver toxicity from poisoning.Her kidney was healthy. She didn't have pancreatitis. They did show two liver enxymes that were four times normal that increase with physical trauma to the liver. Somehow, without my knowing, Bella injured her liver when jumping and went into massive liver failure. She just started vomitting at the hospital after I left that morning. I had no idea she was dying when I took her there by taxi. I told her we'd be home soon. But it wasn't meant to be. She died around 3:00 pm Wednesday afternoon. The doctor told me she was in severe pain with the ruptured liver and she was in severe distress when she began retching, not being able to breathe, and vomitting blood. She was so panicked and fighting for her life but lost it. She was herself on Monday. Two days later she was dead in my arms. That I couldn't help her is giving me nightmares. That she died so suddenly and unexpectantly has left me in shock. She did suffer. But she was an angel to the end. Did you know she used her litter box one last time the morning before going to the doctor? She was gravely ill but used her box. She was and is my fighting angel. I've had so many losses in my life. I lost my father 20 years ago. I lost my uncle last year. I almost lost my mom two years ago. (I'm now her caregiver.) I'm dealing with my own health disabilities. Bella was not only a "pet" to me. She was my baby and my therapy kitten. I loved her dearly. That I couldn't save her or protect her breaks my heart. I tried so hard. I lost a friend and companion. She was a very special little cat being. My one and only Bella. I know I need to get through this. I'm trying. It's not easy. I'm not only grieving for myself, but for Bella that she lost her life so young and horribly. I know with time, the pain will grow less. But it will never leave...

With tears and heartache,

Jlc20m, Bella's mom

 

[marshmallow2013]

Dear Bella's Mom,

Thank you for sharing your story of Bella.  It truly is heart-breaking how you lost your beautiful sweet girl.  I can't imagine just jumping off something, can fatally injure a cat.  Please don't blame yourself for Bella's passing.  You were and are still a wonderful Mom to Bella.  It's extremely difficult, but you have to get through this hard time.  I still remember when I lost my fur baby Bunny, on Friday,  July 13,2001 and lost my mother to cancer on a Friday, July 14, 2006, exactly five years later.  I feel they are both together in heaven.  There is no more suffering or pain.  Try to take care of yourself and don't think about that awful day any more.  Think of many great times with Bella you shared.

Love and Peace for you!

 

[melhomer]

Hi
I rescued my cat winston almost two years ago and he was a beautiful loving cat me and my family adored him
Then last Sunday he developed breathing problems and the vet said it was asthma so I was hopeful but then he went down hill and died struggling to breath and purring in my arms
I am devastated and have cried my eyes out
He was only young it seems so cruel and senseless
My neighbours have two cats who look just like him we used to joke they were his kids ( not possible as I had him neutered ) but they haunt me every day I think it's him on the garden
I am heartbroken and don't know why he died so suddenly

 

[jlc20m]

Dear Bella's Mom,

Thank you for sharing your story of Bella.  It truly is heart-breaking how you lost your beautiful sweet girl.  I can't imagine just jumping off something, can fatally injure a cat.  Please don't blame yourself for Bella's passing.  You were and are still a wonderful Mom to Bella.  It's extremely difficult, but you have to get through this hard time.  I still remember when I lost my fur baby Bunny, on Friday,  July 13,2001 and lost my mother to cancer on a Friday, July 14, 2006, exactly five years later.  I feel they are both together in heaven.  There is no more suffering or pain.  Try to take care of yourself and don't think about that awful day any more.  Think of many great times with Bella you shared.
Love and Peace for you!

Thank you for reaching out to me in my pain. Thank you, also, for your loving support and caring for Bella. I will take your wise words to heart. I know I can't get stuck in my pain. This is why I went to the shelter yesterday. My attempt at trying to move on. I'm not yet ready. However, work and dealing family is a distraction from the memories and pain, even if only for awhile. I need to mourn my Bella. She was everything to me. I hope with time, I can learn to live without her in my life. I already am...

Thank you for your kindness and empathy. You're a beautiful person.

Jlc20m

 

[jlc20m]

Hi
I rescued my cat winston almost two years ago and he was a beautiful loving cat me and my family adored him
Then last Sunday he developed breathing problems and the vet said it was asthma so I was hopeful but then he went down hill and died struggling to breath and purring in my arms
I am devastated and have cried my eyes out
He was only young it seems so cruel and senseless
My neighbours have two cats who look just like him we used to joke they were his kids ( not possible as I had him neutered ) but they haunt me every day I think it's him on the garden
I am heartbroken and don't know why he died so suddenly

I'm very, very sorry for the sudden loss of your kitty, Winston. My heart aches for you. I wish I could say something to lighten your burden. I'm thinking of you. Please know your baby is no longer in pain and in heaven. I understand very well that living with his loss and accepting what happened will be very hard and will take time. I am here anytime you need support. Don't hesitate to write. Please. This forum has been a Godsend for me. I find more loving people here than people irl outside my family and vet. Safe {{{{hugs}}}} coming you way...

Jlc20m

 

[melhomer]

Oh thanks so much that's really kind
People keep saying its only a cat get another but I'm so heartbroken I loved winston so so much and every morning he would wake me up at 6 for a big cuddle he was so loving
At least I know he had a loving home for the short time I had him
I expected him to grow into an old boy not die young and it's an incredibly painful experience but thanks so much for your kind words they mean a lot

 

[jlc20m]

Oh thanks so much that's really kind
People keep saying its only a cat get another but I'm so heartbroken I loved winston so so much and every morning he would wake me up at 6 for a big cuddle he was so loving
At least I know he had a loving home for the short time I had him
I expected him to grow into an old boy not die young and it's an incredibly painful experience but thanks so much for your kind words they mean a lot

I'm sorry you've been told these things. I have also been told these things, so I understand the impact of such hurtful words. All I can say is that people who think and say such things are shallow, heartless people who have never known -and will never know because their hearts are cold and closed- the pure, innocent, and unconditional love of an animal being. Hoping you're feeling just a little bit bit better today as you struggle with your sorrow. I'm trying hard to not think of the horrible things that happened to my baby but on the good memories. But then I begin weeping because I miss her company, her beauty, her love, and taking care/loving her.

Thank you for reading...

Jlc20m

 

[mservant]

................ All I can say is that people who think and say such things are shallow, heartless people who have never known -and will never know because their hearts are cold and closed- the pure, innocent, and unconditional love of an animal being. Hoping you're feeling just a little bit bit better today as you struggle with your sorrow. I'm trying hard to not think of the horrible things that happened to my baby but on the good memories. But then I begin weeping because I miss her company, her beauty, her love, and taking care/loving her.

Thank you for reading...

Jlc20m

Sadly there seem to be too may such people in this world, and some have contributed to others' pain by not respecting the lives and rights of defenseless creatures, not realizing the terrible consequences of their actions - or even caring.  Spend time in the company of the kind hearted people you find who are as open to sharing your grief and pain as readily as they do happiness and pleasure. The many lovers of cats on this site are rich in kind hearts so please do not feel anyone has to suffer pain alone, or that individual needs to grieve and take time to heal are not respected here.  The Cat Site is one place I have found where others understand the joys, the pleasures, the struggles and the pains of loving our feline companions, and where so many are open to sharing in loss.  It does not take pain away but it can help in feeling loss and pain is understood, and that you are less alone.

 

 

[jlc20m]

 
Sadly there seem to be too may such people in this world, and some have contributed to others' pain by not respecting the lives and rights of defenseless creatures, not realizing the terrible consequences of their actions - or even caring.  Spend time in the company of the kind hearted people you find who are as open to sharing your grief and pain as readily as they do happiness and pleasure. The many lovers of cats on this site are rich in kind hearts so please do not feel anyone has to suffer pain alone, or that individual needs to grieve and take time to heal are not respected here.  The Cat Site is one place I have found where others understand the joys, the pleasures, the struggles and the pains of loving our feline companions, and where so many are open to sharing in loss.  It does not take pain away but it can help in feeling loss and pain is understood, and that you are less alone.

Dear MServant,

I really don't know what to say about all the love, support, understanding, and emotional help that you've extended to me as I mourn my baby Bella's passing. As I continue to struggle with accepting that Bella is no longer in my world, it helps tremendously that I'm not alone on my journey. Also, that others are saddened by Bella's suffering and loss lightens my burden even if only a little because I know I'm not alone in mourning the loss of such a special, irreplaceable little being who was -and is- cherished and loved beyond words. Again, thank you...and, God bless...

jlc20m (Bella's mamma)

 

[jlc20m]

flowerydove.jpg

• jlc20m
• Sep 24, 2013

For Bella:

Lend Me a Kitten

I will lend to you for awhile a kitten, God said.
For you to love while he lives, and mourn when he's dead.
Maybe for twelve or fourteen years, or maybe one or two or three.
But will you, 'till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you and, should his stay be brief
You'll always have his memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught below I want this kitten to learn.

I've looked the whole world over in search of teachers true.
And from the folk that crowds life's land I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take my kitten home again?

I fancied that I heard them say 'Dear Lord Thy Will Be Done'
For all the joys this kitten brings the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may.
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.

But should you call him back much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand.
If, by our love we've managed your wishes to achieve,
Then in memory of him whom we loved, please help us while we grieve.
When our cherished kitten departs this world of strife,
Please send yet another needing soul for us to love all his life.

Author Unknown

I ONLY WANTED YOU

They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.
~

Vicky Holder

I'm Still Here

Friend, please don't mourn for me
I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I'm always near.
I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight-
I'm the brightest star on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach-
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around
and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond,
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring,
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face.
Just look for me, friend, I'm everyplace!

Author Unknown

  I AM NOT THERE

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

Various sources attribute this poem to the one of the following authors:
(A) Mary Frye
(B) Joyce Fossen
(C) An unknown member of the Hobi Native American Tribe

Tribute To A Best Friend

Sunlight streams through window pane
unto a spot on the floor....
then I remember,
it's where you used to lie,
but now you are no more.
Our feet walk down a hall of carpet,
and muted echoes sound....
then I remember,
It's where your paws would joyously abound.
A voice is heard along the road,
and up beyond the hill,
then I remember it can't be yours....
your golden voice is still.
But I'll take that vacant spot of floor
and empty muted hall
and lay them with the absent voice
and unused dish along the wall.
I'll wrap these treasured memorials
in a blanket of my love
and keep them for my best friend
until we meet above.

Author Unknown

Remember Our Love

I was chosen today
I'm learning to fly
the world took me away,
but please don't you cry

And I chose you today
to try and be strong
so please don't you cry
and don't say that I'm gone

When you're feeling alone
just remember our love,
I'm up near the stars
looking down from above.

Remember our love
In a moment you'll see
that I'm still here beside you
when you're thinking of me.

Julie Epp

I Stood By Your Bed Last Night


I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.

I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear, "It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea, You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
 

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care. I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "it's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you everyday. To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew, in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
 

The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out ... then come home to be with me.

- Author unknown

My heart aches to see and hold you just one last time, precious Bella.

You were a gift from heaven above that I loved -and love- with all my being.

Until we meet again one day, may God bless and keep you for me in His loving care.

Rest in peace, my squirt, my angel, my precious Bella.

Love always,

Mamma

lovely_rose.jpg

• jlc20m
• Sep 25, 2013