Just asking for prayers for my Blackie my feral who passed a month ago. I'm very worried I won't be able to keep up the grief.

  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #21

movinintime

TCS Member
Thread starter
Alpha Cat
Joined
Jun 9, 2019
Messages
412
Purraise
746
Today tho was a horrid day of tears. I don't know but it seems I'm locked into this and really it seems more 'right' than 'wrong'. Sure everyone wants to 'get past or feel better eventually' but for some reason allowing myself this time to grieve makes me realize how

close a relationship I developed and one that maybe, his life's end, signaled an upcoming similarity for me. Could he have been the 'precursor or omen' for my own upcoming destiny and so as to join him, sooner than later, in Heaven where I believe he is still communicating with me from?

I know it sounds ludicrous but I'm very serious that this may be THE calling card to my existence, and if so, a tribute that I alone was privileged enough to have slightly outlasted him on earth doing palliative work, but unknowingly too, also preparing 'my future' destiny or place with him? This idea is strengthening more and more by day to be a reality rather than a delusion.
 

solomonar

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Jan 13, 2017
Messages
938
Purraise
832
Location
Romania
M movinintime

No doubt, the end of life bothers all human beings. Everything that begins must end and at a certain moment we shall say Good by! to our host - this Earth. That is something difficult to accept in serenity for human beings.

All creatures in our life are part of our reality and keep being part of it even after they get back to the realm they belong. That is because we remember them, and everything that can be remembered is real and actual in a certain way. Everything we remember communicates with us.

Lets look to the animal kingdom, using our humble sight as biological creatures: for each predator to survive, there hundred prey animals loose their life. Lets have a look of what we eat: we kill animals and eat them. Even our corps turns into food for bacteria and worms.

Beginning and End are two sides of the Love coin. One can not exist whiteout the other. We can easily say this, but can we truly accept? Some way or another human beings may loose the ability to understand this simple fact, this Law that governs everything that got Life. How Creatures do accept this so easily and why is so difficult for us? Creatures love each other this is why the hare accepts that he is ultimately designed to be food for the wolf and the fox. One existence is bound to all the others, by the Love bonds, no matter how we feel it.

Think to Love, remember Love. But Love also encompasses the ones who are alive. Every second that we do not seek Love with living creatures means a second without our Love for a creature who deserves it. Say - somewhere in a shelter a cat may face his End and a bit of our love can save the Cat. We may not be able to look for another Creature to love, after we experience a break with one and this is perfectly normal and goes with our human nature. But in your case, what if calling for the Heaven is a reminder of the Law, to find a Creature to love?

I will say a prayer for You today.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #23

movinintime

TCS Member
Thread starter
Alpha Cat
Joined
Jun 9, 2019
Messages
412
Purraise
746
Thank you very much again for this! But I'm really having severe struggles with this whole loss. It wasn't just a pet I lost, it was a very special friend. A companion I spent yrs feeding and working with outside my apt then cross-country moved him to indoors, and found out he had CKD on top of his known FiV.

I worried always that it'd progress to renal failure yet did NOT know -- that FiV cats that express severe FiV symptoms prior to age 10, in males especially, they then are VERY prone or almost GUARANTEED compromised kidney function and just a matter of time before a very steady and fast decline. It hit me like a ton of bricks over the final few months and had it not been for FiV I'd have tried for renal transplant. But doctor's told me he was too far advanced with FiV to even be considered for transplant. It was then I went into a denial and thought maybe just maybe I can help him through some form of miracle treatment, etc.

Now you see how bad I feel and WHY I think it'd be best off that I soon join him in HEAVEN, IF IN FACT, THAT IS WHERE HE IS ACCORDING TO MY BELIEFS AND THE BELIEFS OF MANY OTHERS. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING AND YOUR VERY KIND WORDS AND REPLY. IT MEANS A VERY LOT. I JUST KNOW I'M HARD TO GET THROUGH TOO ONCE I MAKE UP MY MIND ON WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE THE ONLY POSSIBLE SOLUTION I SEE, AS OF NOW. THANK YOU AGAIN ALL OF YOU FOR BEING THERE AND YOUR STRENGTH IN TRYING TO ASSIST. SORRY MY CAPS STUCK.
 

Jcatbird

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 5, 2017
Messages
10,301
Purraise
58,384
Location
United States
I do understand that we often sink into our thoughts and grief. Been there too. Grief is a natural response to lost love of that depth. It would be unnatural if we did not feel it so acutely. Something else that is natural is the instinct to survive. I think and hope that you will find a point where you reach out to hold on to life. Others still need you here. :alright:
 

mani

Moderator and fervent feline fan
Staff Member
Moderator
Joined
Feb 28, 2012
Messages
47,178
Purraise
24,129
Location
Australia
M movinintime things get better. They just do. But in the meantime, could you please contact your closest spiritual advisor? You need someone to sit down with and work this through. We are here to offer support, but we are concerned and we cannot be there with you in person. :alright:
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
16,830
Purraise
23,456
Location
Nebraska, USA
Please, you have to hang in there.....these feelings you are having are all normal and happen almost always in the grieving process. I wanted to die too, all those years ago, especially since I was responsible for my little girl's death! I walked across the street to get the mail and she ran up behind me, I turned just in time to see her killed. You, like me, are looking at a very permanent solution to something that is temporary. Because the feelings you are having now WILL LESSEN IN TIME, I promise you. They will never go away, but with help, they WILL get better. You are experiencing PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder, I recognize the symptoms because I have lived with them for years. But I am here to tell you I survived, and you can too. Your little one's love will give you strength, I promise.
You said earlier you were put on this earth to live a little longer to do palliative work, that is true. Your sweet boy would NOT want you to do anything rash because of him. He has only love for you and does not want the pain to be so bad. Think, would you want him to cut short his life's journey if you were the first to go? Of course not, because that is love.
Right now you need something to focus on, something that will make you feel better about yourself. I was forced to take care of my remaining little ones under my care, something that frankly I resented for a while. But you have to have something that will ground you in the world of the living. ALL life is precious. But we are all dying the moment we are born. To cut what time we have on this earth short is a tragedy beyond compare. One that NO living creature in the wild would ever do because they know how precious life is, and that none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. None of us are perfect, NONE OF US.
You need someone to pour the love you have held inside you. You haev teh capability and the experience to use that love wisely. There are SO many little ones out there right now that would love to be needed, to be loved, find one to pour your soul and your longing into and you will be rewarded. Maybe not right away, but in the future, I promise........
 

AbbysMom

At Abby's beck and call
Staff Member
Moderator
Joined
May 18, 2005
Messages
78,835
Purraise
20,163
Location
Massachusetts
M movinintime in addition to contacting your closest spiritual advisor as mani mani suggested, there is the Association for Pet Loss Bereavement - APLB

They have chat rooms, support groups and can really talk with you about the feelings you are having. Please also speak to your friends and family about your feelings.
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
16,830
Purraise
23,456
Location
Nebraska, USA
Please talk to us. We need to know you are OK. Sometimes the pain can be so bad it seems unending.
But you will find it is like the ocean, it can pull you under and try to drown you in a tsunami of tears. But one day you will see the beauty of tranquil waters that floats you gently in its arms and can breathe again....just get through the next day, don't forget to breathe, and take one day at a time.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #30

movinintime

TCS Member
Thread starter
Alpha Cat
Joined
Jun 9, 2019
Messages
412
Purraise
746
I am speechless. I really only come here normally to act normal and discuss kitty things. But just over 2 months ago that normal world was shattered with his death. My denial of his stage 4 renal failure etc. setup this horrible time I'm in and going through. So many other things happened in past 24 months but this was the LAST straw it seems. I know in my heart, as I am God-fearing, that the Bible will not allow you to take your own life. I believe some day I WILL see Blackie again in Heaven.

But I can't take my own life to get there faster. You see how my mind thinks? It wants to go NOW and would, IF I was guaranteed to see Blackie tomorrow so to speak. Thus I'm in a huge quandary. On one hand, go NOW and see him sooner than later. On other hand, I CANNOT take myself away as it is vs God's Will or allowing? So I'm stuck in sort of limbo. But I thank each of you for reaching out to me. If all I can do is feel this bad but still be strong enough to take the daily pain of his loss, than so be it. It is sort of my penance I guess.

Again I will be on here as I feel ok enough to be on. But don't worry I will try to talk to more support re this and maybe , as I have been doing, throw myself into our remaining kitty as she seems yet lost too somedays looking around for him. He lived indoors about 15 months with her so they bonded, I think, thus she too is feeling loss. She has tried to help me I know, allowing me to pet, hold, hug, etc., her more even if she seems like she'd rather just sleep or pay attention to grooming.

Thank you again everyone for taking the time to help and care.
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
16,830
Purraise
23,456
Location
Nebraska, USA
Try to remember, Blackie is safe and at peace. The passing of time will be but a second for him, no matter how many years it takes. It is long for you, however, but give yourself time nd plenty of it. I NEVER thought I would get to a point where I enjoyed life again, I was a mess for a long time, years in fact. . But somehow, and with the grace of God, I did. You will too. Grief is a process, 'they' are right about that. You have to go through every step to finally heal. One day at a time......PS kiss that sweet girl for me, she needs you more than ever now, even though animals focus on the present rather than the past.
 
Top