thank you.. I had a major breakdown last night.. It was a major one... lasting a long time... and continues this morning....
I really miss, "my Artie".... so much..
his company.. just his being... kind of popping in to visit, whatever I was doing.. ... walking all over me... his purring.. his softness, his love... his silliness....his fur... Artie's ability to make me feel loved... his warmth.. His trilling, when he jumped on my bed--walking all over me..
His tapping my shoulder to get up... his meowing in my ear... his cuddling, right up against me..
still second guessing myself for somethings.. but I do not have any regrets about all I did for Artie...
just the normal wishing, that I if only I could have done something to extend his time with me... and to stop his suffering.. but; that was an impossibility... I am still going through the stages of grief... and I will always miss My Artie...
almost everything of his is gone.. just a few more things, which I hope to give away this week... finding pieces of litter, here and there--- putting them in a empty pill container, along with any stray pieces of fur, I may find.. I found a whisker-- saved it...
I also have a lot of his fur... from his brush.. and his nail clippers... a few stray clippings, I found on Saturday...
Sometimes wishing I could clone him from these DNA specimens.. but...
Some people are telling me to hold on to the large thing, scratchers, stairs... but, honestly, the memories are hurting, at this point.. just reminders of things which cannot ever be again...
I have one relative who is telling me to adopt... and kind of soon... because I am alone... she has 2 cats
I have a friend who will not strongly voice her opinion, but wants me to do whatever it is I feel I need to do... when I feel I need to do it...She wants me to make up my own decision.. and not listen to others...she knows how much I loved Artie, and what he meant to me.
I have a close friend, who knows that I am planning to move, next year. The apartment options are limited due to income.. and there are even slimmer rental opportunities for anyone with a pet... She has flat out told me, several times, that I CANNOT have a pet... that Artie was it.. She does not want to hurt my feelings, but she wants me to be realistic and not hurt any opportunities for an apartment. She is not an animal person.
This is making me feel even worse..
I keep going up to PetSmart, to look at the cats... this week, I am dropping off some things at Angell, in Boston.. and of course, I will look at the kitties...
I just feel lost and alone... I go out, daily... trying not to spend money... but coming home to an empty apartment, devoid of love, is just a cold feeling to me...
It is so unfathomable, realizing how much time Artie took up.. how much energy, thought process, shopping, yes-- money... but the love was so rich..
I am still waiting for the dam management company to begin the construction (repointing) of the building. That is going to be so much noise, dust, workmen, everywhere on the outside... If I only knew when they would be starting the job, I could anticipate, when, they may be ending...
The days are really long.. apartment is very empty and loveless..
thanks for thinking of me... just a really bad few days...
I think it was extra bad for me, because Saturday would have been my mom's 95th b-day... and this Sunday is Father's Day... this is all making me feel even more alone... and all the love which I have lost... I am no different than anyone else.. yet, it is really effecting me....
In the past, when I felt this way; I was always able to grab Artie, hug him, cry into his fur... and he allowed it... he knew I needed his love.... now I do not have that....
I am trying.. I am seeking help, I am praying-- so much... it is just a matter of time, to get through this.. time and keeping myself busy...
thanks...
