Holidays Suck

[bbdoll22]

Ive never been raised that holidays are about gifts and money. I grew up in a lower income family. Holidays were about family. Being with them, laughing and telling funny stories and reminiscing both good and sad. I grew up with great memories of holidays.
Now I’m 48 and I have dreaded the holidays for the past few years due to family fighting who goes where. We got that ironed out after many mother and MIL hurt feelings.
My family eats early so dinner at my family dessert at hubby’s. It’s worked out well.
But this year takes the dang cake. My brothers wife always hosts thanksgiving. This spring a week before mother’s day she lost her mom to cancer. It’s devastating to lose a parent. Her heart wasn’t into thanksgiving so she asked if we could bring a dish. Yes great I thought, my sister agreed. My mom has not stopped complaining that it’s tacky and rude. Every day for the past 2 weeks. I listen to my mom say you just don’t do that, they better enjoy it and eat it, she ( meaning My brothers wife ) is lazy and not making anything. Just so you know my mom is making deviled eggs, I’m making homemade bread and my sister is making green beans. My brothers wife is doing turkey, gravy, stuffing, potatoes and desserts. Yeah and my moms tearing the family apart about deviled eggs. Ugh. I’m embarrassed to be related to her. The things she says are hurtful. I told my mom today that my brothers wife is having a hard time as it’s the first real holiday without her mom and to stop complaining. My moms response well my parents are dead get over it.
CANT WE JUST ALL GET ALONG AND LOVE EACH OTHER.

 

[neely]

At least you understand and are sympathetic to what your sister-in-law is going through. I'm sure she is grateful for your compassion. Try to enjoy the holiday the best you can, unfortunately it's your mother's loss not yours.

 

[bbdoll22]

neely thank you.

 

[1 bruce 1]

This may be the crappiest advice I've ever given. So take it with a grain of salt and don't automatically think I'm right because this has worked for me, but not for others.
Ignore the crappy comments about how this is tacky and rude as much as you can. The comments about her own parents being dead, "get over it", is hurtful... but either she's annoyed by something else and is taking it out on you (and them), or she's using the "get over it" phrase because she never actually got over the death of her own parents and is being tough and a bit snitty to compensate. Surprisingly, it happens a lot more than we want.
I'm not making excuses at all for rude comments or behavior. You sound like a decent person who only wants a nice relaxing holiday and to support your hurting SIL, and things are being wrecked and I don't blame you one bit for being upset about it.

I'm as old fashioned as you can get, but don't think a pot luck type of meal is a bad idea, actually. It takes a lot of strain off of one single person (especially when they're dealing with the loss of a loved one, and this being the "FIRST" major holiday with family they may be celebrating) and people can bring what they like and let others try new dishes and exchange recipes. To me, it sounds hassle free, fun, and a great way to get people talking about something other than boring crap like "well....how's the weather. How's school/work...fine, fine....how's, well....excuse me". etc.
I hope by some grace of God things work out for you at your family meal. If things get tense, just remember you've got friends at TCS that think your concerns are more than valid and are keeping our fingers crossed that all goes well.

 

[Furballsmom]

I hope by some grace of God things work out for you at your family meal. If things get tense, just remember you've got friends at TCS that think your concerns are more than valid and are keeping our fingers crossed that all goes well.

This, most definitely and everything else 1 bruce 1 said,
I totally agree - hang in there!! I'm somewhat familiar with some of your goings-on, and it is just plain challenging, no getting around it.

 

[bbdoll22]

1 bruce 1
That’s truly sound advice you’ve given me. You are a wonderful person.
I think you are right about my mom not getting over death of loved ones. My dad, moms husband died the week before Easter in 2001. It was the worst holiday season I ever had. My brothers wife made sure she made Easter, thanksgiving and Christmas a stress free event. I remember and am trying to repay her. I imagine it reminds my mom of her husbands death.

 

[Furballsmom]

 

[1 bruce 1]

1 bruce 1
That’s truly sound advice you’ve given me. You are a wonderful person.
I think you are right about my mom not getting over death of loved ones. My dad, moms husband died the week before Easter in 2001. It was the worst holiday season I ever had. My brothers wife made sure she made Easter, thanksgiving and Christmas a stress free event. I remember and am trying to repay her. I imagine it reminds my mom of her husbands death.

Aww shucks.
I don't know your mothers age, but my guess is she was around during some kind of late depression era where being tough was what it took to get you to survive.
Again, I'm not condoning the comments. It's infuriating, hurtful and makes you crazy, but more potentially crap advice is watch her face, closely, if you can tomorrow. Watch her eyes, body language, for any signs of pain. It will be a quarter of a second instance.
Juggling family is exhausting. You can do what you can to try to keep everyone happy, but don't let it ruin your day or steal your soul or joy. Sometimes we just want people to get along, and for whatever reason that doesn't happen. And that's when we have to give up the ghost, do our best, and realize we can't somehow control the entire family dynamic even if we would give our left arm to just make everyone shut up, smile, and be happy. I hear ya.

 

[bbdoll22]

1 bruce 1 my mom is 85. And spry as anything. She’s told me at her age she’s entitled to say anything weather it’s hurt full or not. She never raised me to think that way.

 

[foxxycat]

bbdoll22 I am so sorry you have to deal with a family member who let's just say isn't treating you with respect or dignity. I don't have any words of advice different than has already been shared. Just wanted to tell you I agree with everything you said. And it can be challenging to keep a smile on when people are acting not in their best behavior.

 

[1 bruce 1]

1 bruce 1 my mom is 85. And spry as anything. She’s told me at her age she’s entitled to say anything weather it’s hurt full or not. She never raised me to think that way.

85, she'll likely never change her ways. I'm not trying to be a downer, but stating the truth as I've learned it for myself and myself alone.
It's OK to be annoyed and pissed off when she makes a comment you think is crass, rude, etc. because sometimes it is, especially by the standards of today.
But that generation in their 80's and 90's are stubborn, in a good way because they've lived through stuff and time era's we can't even imagine. Things were more "raw" then.
Just try to grin and bear it, it sounds hard (it is) but when she's gone some day, you want to look back at the memories and laugh and say "yep, she was spry as hell and had a silver tongue, and sure she annoyed me, said some mean stuff (don't we all?), but I was OK, it was just her way" vs. "she was a mean, hateful person and I hated her."
This obviously is more for you, than for her. Keep it in mind my friend.

 

[Furballsmom]

hang in there, and not to repeat but, yeah, 1 bruce 1 is right

 

[foxxycat]

Yep 1 bruce 1 has a really good point. That generation is often called the silent generation...they don't talk about their feelings or acknowledge that they need help. Just know we all support you and understand how you feel!

Maybe if you got to a point where you got ballsy and asked her point blank about if she ever grieved prior deaths. She may give you barbed words or she may say nothing. But she may one day say something to surprise you. You can hold off this conversation after the holidays...but maybe time to sit down with some coffee and try to find out the questions about her. She may clam up and say she doesn't want to talk about it or she may surprise you and open up...it's scary to ask these questions not knowing if she will react with anger or sadness. For now you can think about how you will go about this after the holidays are over. Maybe I'm wrong? But if it was me..I would ask..and maybe some stuff will be talked about that needs talking??

 

[DreamerRose]

At her age, she may have some degree of dementia. Inhibitions drop away, and people don't edit what comes out of their mouths. When my father had dementia, I wish I had just said calmly, "That's not true," or "You're being rude," instead of getting worked up and angry myself.

 

[JamesCalifornia]

Ive never been raised that holidays are about gifts and money. I grew up in a lower income family. Holidays were about family. Being with them, laughing and telling funny stories and reminiscing both good and sad. I grew up with great memories of holidays.

~ Lucky you ... I'm sure that must have been a good influence .
Yes family can be a headache. Ever want to "escape" ? Volunteer at the hospital . It's a great way to get away from yourself and everything else ! You can visit with patients who are alone or other duties such as aiding the candy stripes or assisting the nurses - depending on the hospital.

The comments about her own parents being dead, "get over it", is hurtful... but either she's annoyed by something else and is taking it out on you (and them), or she's using the "get over it" phrase because she never actually got over the death of her own parents and is being tough and a bit snitty to compensate.

~ Yup ... People who do not deal with the death of loved ones fit that description. { Always thoughtful comments from these cat crazy folks ` }
Best wishes to you ...

 

[bbdoll22]

DreamerRose
I think you are correct. And I will take your advice.
Thank you everyone. I’m taking a deep breath and hope for the best.

 

[Kflowers]

I truly believe if your mom was directing this to you about something you'd done or hadn't done, you'd brush it off. The way your sister in law took care of things the year your dad dies means she's a caring person. That you are hurt for what your mom is doing to your sister in law tells me you, your sister-in-law, and your brother are very fortunate to have each other. You have the true bond of love that will carry you through the years ahead.

 

[margecat]

Oh, do I feel your pain. My family disowned me on Christmas Eve 2005, and haven't spoken to me since--even when our Mom died in 2011. The only family I have to get together with is DH's wonderful family--but they live a few hours away, so we don't see them much. We do our Christmas with them at my house. For Thanksgiving, DH and I are alone. My Mom was the cause of a lot of the problem with my "family".

Sometimes, you have to make someone else your "family"--volunteer somewhere before the holiday (most places are closed on the actual day, i.e., serving meals to the homeless for Christmas may not be on December 25th), and spend the actual holiday alone, doing something you like to do--or invite people who have no place to have dinner. As you already understand the holiday spirit, you are the perfect person to share that special love with someone who won't experience it due to their situation in life.

 

[denice]

I guess we have always been tacky but taking a dish is what we have always done. We actually kind of think negatively about someone who doesn't bring something. The younger singles who don't cook much usually bring something store bought which is fine but bring something.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Yep 1 bruce 1 has a really good point. That generation is often called the silent generation...they don't talk about their feelings or acknowledge that they need help. Just know we all support you and understand how you feel!

Maybe if you got to a point where you got ballsy and asked her point blank about if she ever grieved prior deaths. She may give you barbed words or she may say nothing. But she may one day say something to surprise you. You can hold off this conversation after the holidays...but maybe time to sit down with some coffee and try to find out the questions about her. She may clam up and say she doesn't want to talk about it or she may surprise you and open up...it's scary to ask these questions not knowing if she will react with anger or sadness. For now you can think about how you will go about this after the holidays are over. Maybe I'm wrong? But if it was me..I would ask..and maybe some stuff will be talked about that needs talking??

I think it's a good idea if it's necessary, but I like your suggestion--wait until the holidays and any emotions that are running in 5th gear can die down, and approach it while you're ALONE, not somewhere public that might embarrass and make her clam up more.
Sometimes, older people are just crabby for what seems like no reason ( whistling and walking away) and sometimes being asked and confronted makes it worse...at first, but then they think about it and think "Well, at least someone gives a care that I hurt" and they may confide in you. Or maybe not. Goal is to know that you did all you could to be patient and you can sleep at night knowing you've done all you can, and the rest is up to them!