Holidays Suck

[m3rma1d]

Poor mama just doesn't know that potluck style is actually the best!!
It's ok. I mean I know, it's not REALLY ok, but it's ok because you know what's right and you have care and compassion which go a long way. Some day your mom won't be there and it'll hurt, and people will take good care of you the way you have them. <3
I hope that despite her whinging that they day went smoothly for all of ya.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Sometimes, you have to make someone else your "family"--volunteer somewhere before the holiday (most places are closed on the actual day, i.e., serving meals to the homeless for Christmas may not be on December 25th), and spend the actual holiday alone, doing something you like to do--or invite people who have no place to have dinner. As you already understand the holiday spirit, you are the perfect person to share that special love with someone who won't experience it due to their situation in life.

Perfect advice IMO.
If you're hurting, one of the best way to deal with it IMO is to find someone else who is hurting and help them in any way you can. Sometimes people don't want their problems "fixed" by someone else, they just want someone to say "that really sucks but you're still my friend."
The homeless shelters usually need someone to do serving, but sometimes they need people NOW to organize food and canned goods, help organize food drives and fund raisers, help with paper work, etc. The list never stops. Don't be fooled by the "behind the scenes" stuff, it's every bit (if not more) important than what the public eye sees. And, there's something satisfying that "gets you" down deep about walking away from a job or a duty knowing no one really knows that you just did something good, and it's your own little secret.

 

[JamesCalifornia]

My family disowned me on Christmas Eve 2005, and haven't spoken to me since--even when our Mom died in

~ Yes ...? Well now we own you . You are officially part of the worldwide feline family of animal caregivers !

​

 

[susanm9006]

I hope that your Thanksgiving was a little less sucky than you thought it would be. Sometimes that is all we can hope for. My mom is 89, should be in a nursing home but refuses and has no filter. But she did wonderfully yesterday which was a pleasant surprise. Got to treasure them while we have them.

 

[margecat]

~ Yes ...? Well now we own you . You are officially part of the worldwide feline family of animal caregivers !

​

Aww...that's so sweet! I do think of TCS as my family already!

 

[bbdoll22]

I would like to thank everyone for the kind words, support and advice.
She held her tongue in front of everyone but has been complaining nonstop today. I told her to not say anything to me unless it’s something nice.
My husband and I talked last night and we feel that Mom was always the matriarch if he holidays and now that she’s too old and had no choice but to pass the matriarch torch onto my sister in law that my mom feels jealous, inadequate and old and useless. And therefore she’s directing all those negative feelings onto my sister in law.
By no means is it right nor do I condone it but it makes sense.

 

[DreamerRose]

I would like to thank everyone for the kind words, support and advice.
She held her tongue in front of everyone but has been complaining nonstop today. I told her to not say anything to me unless it’s something nice.
My husband and I talked last night and we feel that Mom was always the matriarch if he holidays and now that she’s too old and had no choice but to pass the matriarch torch onto my sister in law that my mom feels jealous, inadequate and old and useless. And therefore she’s directing all those negative feelings onto my sister in law.
By no means is it right nor do I condone it but it makes sense.

You are probably right. Being the one in charge is hard to give up.

 

[Kflowers]

It may not be being in charge but the realization of being too old that's bothering her. That's a big blow.

 

[bbdoll22]

DreamerRose yes she needs to be in control.
K Kflowers yes she feels old and useless because she can’t cook, clean or go shopping but I try to let her know being older has the perks of wisdom and experience.

 

[Kflowers]

As I read your post, it struck me, would she like to be a therapy person? visiting the local nursing home, perhaps? Not visiting children or animals where she might be tempted to try and pick them up, but older people, who are lonely. It's just a thought and I almost didn't post it, but it was a sudden and strong thought.

PS It was not something my mother could have done. Indeed the nursing home might have threatened to sue me for bringing her over.

 

[susanm9006]

As I read your post, it struck me, would she like to be a therapy person? visiting the local nursing home, perhaps? Not visiting children or animals where she might be tempted to try and pick them up, but older people, who are lonely. It's just a thought and I almost didn't post it, but it was a sudden and strong thought.

PS It was not something my mother could have done. Indeed the nursing home might have threatened to sue me for bringing her over.

Oh, we have the same kind of mother. When she was eighty she had to be in a nursing home recovery unit, something she had already done half a dozen times as she got older. When asked how she liked this one, she said it was great, “they must keep all the old people on a different floor”

 

[1 bruce 1]

I would like to thank everyone for the kind words, support and advice.
She held her tongue in front of everyone but has been complaining nonstop today. I told her to not say anything to me unless it’s something nice.
My husband and I talked last night and we feel that Mom was always the matriarch if he holidays and now that she’s too old and had no choice but to pass the matriarch torch onto my sister in law that my mom feels jealous, inadequate and old and useless. And therefore she’s directing all those negative feelings onto my sister in law.
By no means is it right nor do I condone it but it makes sense.

Your husband is a wise man, and makes a good point.
It's kind of soul cringing to realize someone that age is probably crabby because they do feel kind of old and useless. You're one of the good ones, you're still caring about and for her, but are able to draw the line to what you will and won't accept. This is probably the absolute most healthy way I can think of to deal with this.
If she has any hobby she does or something she enjoys doing, take an interest in it. It's not always easy to find what that thing is, but if they have something that they cherish in life, start asking questions. A lot of older people seem to feel useless because no one really asks them about anything, but if you approach someone in their '80's, sit down and ask the "Tell me what it was like for you during the Great Depression" or "tell me what it was like when you were growing up", eventually most of them will talk your head off.
It's much easier to be at peace with someone and a situation than it is to regret it after that person is gone, and I think you're doing such awesome work by actually wanting things to improve. You've got all my respect.