Grieving

[homoki2002]

homoki2002 , please re-read the portion of my original post dealing with guilt:



Now, think for a moment. Your Greta was dying; there was no way you could prevent that. And your Greta was starving, and you could find only one thing she wanted to eat. What is the best food for a cat? Don't bother trying to figure out the answer because I'll give it to you for free: the best food for a cat is the healthiest food that you can persuade your cat to eat. And if there's only one food that your cat is willing to eat then, by definition, that is the best food for your cat.

You can kill yourself worrying at all the what-ifs. The answer to all of them is "We don't know what would have happened if we'd done something differently. In fact, we can't know." What is, is. And what is, in this case, is that you did the best you could for your Greta, given the resources you had available to you. This is what we all do for our cats, every day. We muddle through, doing the best we can for them, knowing that the only certainties are that we love them and that no matter how good we are at taking care of them someday we will lose them.

If we truly had God-like powers Greta would never have gotten sick in the first place, nor would my Sweet Thing; we would be able to prevent kidney failure, and cancer, and all the other ails that cats are prone to. And if we truly had God-like powers our cats would have much longer basic life spans, and would like the foods that are best for them, and would stay strictly away from poisonous plants, and would know how to clean their own litter boxes! But we can't make any of that happen, because we're merely human, and we mere humans are the people our cats love. And maybe this is one place where we should accept the wisdom of our cats -- being human is also being lovable, no matter how much we wish we had God-like powers. So forgive yourself for not being God; your Greta loved you for who you are. Honor her love.

Margret

Thank you so much Margret. Thank you for letting me tell my story to you; to someone who has been down this road. It makes so much difference to talk to someone who has been there. I know you're right. And deep down I want to believe I did all I could. Guess I just have to work through the guilt to get to the other side of knowing I truly tried. It's just such a helpless feeling when there is nothing you can do. What you have said will truly help me getting through this. Thank you for being there for me and others who have lost their fur babies. Bless you.

 

[Margret]

There’s one other thing that I believe I should have said. If you hadn’t given Greta the food she was willing to eat she would have died hungry. You traded the possibility of a few more days of miserable life, feeling constantly hungry, for making Greta as comfortable as humanly possible in her final days. Basically, you gave up a few days of Greta’s company, that you would have valued, in order to make her life as happy as possible for her.

Your feelings of guilt are very real, and I don’t wish to denigrate that — helplessness tends to lead to feelings of guilt and we have to work through them. But you need to distinguish between feeling guilty and being guilty. As far as I’m concerned what you did bordered on the heroic. And one way to work through those feelings of guilt is to try to keep your eye on the reality.

I’m quite certain that you would never think of heaping scorn on someone else in that situation, who made the same choice you did. Jesus commanded “Love your neighbor as yourself,” and no matter what religious beliefs we have I think most of the people on TCS would agree that this is a very wise commandment. But the corollary is that you should love yourself as you love your neighbor — this command begins with the assumption of self-love. So if you wouldn’t say something to someone else about their behavior, think twice before you say it to yourself about your behavior.

Margret

 

[homoki2002]

There’s one other thing that I believe I should have said. If you hadn’t given Greta the food she was willing to eat she would have died hungry. You traded the possibility of a few more days of miserable life, feeling constantly hungry, for making Greta as comfortable as humanly possible in her final days. Basically, you gave up a few days of Greta’s company, that you would have valued, in order to make her life as happy as possible for her.

Your feelings of guilt are very real, and I don’t wish to denigrate that — helplessness tends to lead to feelings of guilt and we have to work through them. But you need to distinguish between feeling guilty and being guilty. As far as I’m concerned what you did bordered on the heroic. And one way to work through those feelings of guilt is to try to keep your eye on the reality.

I’m quite certain that you would never think of heaping scorn on someone else in that situation, who made the same choice you did. Jesus commanded “Love your neighbor as yourself,” and no matter what religious beliefs we have I think most of the people on TCS would agree that this is a very wise commandment. But the corollary is that you should love yourself as you love your neighbor — this command begins with the assumption of self-love. So if you wouldn’t say something to someone else about their behavior, think twice before you say it to yourself about your behavior.

Margret

I am so thankful I found your posts. Your words have meant so much while trying to get through this.
I have thought about that food scenario too. In my heart I think I know it is true, but right now I somehow hang onto the fantasy that there MUST have been something else I could have done . Hearing it from someone else makes a big difference so bless you for your words. Down the road I will be better with knowing I tried and did my best. I never would have wanted her to suffer longer, especially for the selfish reason of having her with me. That would have been so inhumane! I think mine is more feeling guilty than really knowing I am guilty. It's still hard to distinguish now but each day gets a little better. Your encouragement and help is priceless. You are a wonderful person for being willing to do these posts!

 

[KK300]

It makes no sense, but EVERYTHING makes me think of Jaspurr. He lived here in this house for 11 years and I see him in everything, even things not directly related to him. He was, and still is, a part of me. I am so thankful to still have his brother Purrcy, who I was worried about, but he has seemed OK so far. I have caught him just sitting and looking around in several different rooms, and sniffing some of Jaspurr’s favorite napping spots, but so far he doesn’t seem depressed. Of course he is getting lots of extra love from me! He and Jaspurr were littermates, but really never very close. Purrcy wanted to be, but he was rebuffed by Jaspurr so many times I think it drove a wedge between them. Jaspurr was bigger and I used to say that he regarded Purrcy as the pesky little brother. They got along for the most part but theirs was not the kind of relationship where they slept cuddled up. It was in the beginning when they were kittens, but something happened along the way to change that. So, maybe it will make things easier on Purrcy.

 

[KK300]

Apologies, I pressed the wrong button.

I can't part with my Sammy's medication, or the food he loved. Going shopping means standing in front of the cat food / treats, thinking what he would like, then realising that he's gone. Whenever we went on holiday, we bought him some food / treats that we thought he might like. He was central to our little family.

It hurts so much.

You are not alone.

 

[gohabsgo]

I can relate with everyone here. I am smack in the midst of grief since losing my 9 year old tuxedo son Leroy to cancer 1.5 months ago. Everyday I have good and bad hours. This morning I woke up in tears because I was grieving for him even in my dreams. Again. The first time I met Leroy 6 years ago, I was viewing the houseshare I was moving into, and was blown away by his majestic size. He was so large. I kept reaching my hand out to pet him when he came toward us, but he wouldn't let me lol. My housemate/landlord had found him on the street as a 3 month old stray and brought him home at the urging of a friend. Then I moved in and Leroy and I became mother and son Leroy was a big 17lb cat but shy and cautious. One friend described him as being afraid of his own shadow lol. It took a while for him to come around and trust a human, but he liked being around people. If we had guests over, he would sit close enough to observe the action but just far (or high) enough so no one could touch him. He was very affectionate with me though, especially in the bedroom and bathroom ha ha. Maybe because that's where he felt the most privacy - just he and I alone. Made our bond all that more special. We always slept in together on the weekends - the happiest time of the week. My 3 loves were - Leroy, bed, sleep. Since I lost him, I have grown fearful of the bed, I hate going to sleep due to the nightmares, and I just about lose my mind on the weekends. Grieving is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, and I've been through a lot.

 

[gohabsgo]

I know that one fairly common thing when we're grieving is that we'll be in the grocery store, or the mall, or wherever, and we'll see something that our departed cat would just love, and suddenly there we are in an incredibly public place weeping uncontrollably.

For what it's worth, I've found one thing that makes this a bit easier to avoid, and that's setting aside time every day specifically for grieving. It isn't easy to do, but it does mean that when you go shopping you've already grieved recently, so that irresistible cat toy or new flavor of food doesn't seem to grab you so hard. You don't get that momentary "Oh, cool. I should get that for ___ - no, wait, he's dead" reaction that always jerks you into tears.

This may also help somewhat with the nightmares: if you're taking proper care of your grief during your waking hours your subconscious may not need to do it in your sleep.

Margret

 

[gohabsgo]

I drop in on this board when I feel very low, to read some words of comfort from people who really understand what it means to lose a beloved family member. I lost Harry in Feb and have low low days still. One of the worst feelings is that after many cats, all rescues, I just dont think I could do it again so my grief is many parts. Sympathies to everyone going through the same thing, it really is hell.

 

[gohabsgo]

I drop in on this board when I feel very low, to read some words of comfort from people who really understand what it means to lose a beloved family member. I lost Harry in Feb and have low low days still. One of the worst feelings is that after many cats, all rescues, I just dont think I could do it again so my grief is many parts. Sympathies to everyone going through the same thing, it really is hell.

 

[Margret]

Apologies, I pressed the wrong button.

I can't part with my Sammy's medication, or the food he loved. Going shopping means standing in front of the cat food / treats, thinking what he would like, then realising that he's gone. Whenever we went on holiday, we bought him some food / treats that we thought he might like. He was central to our little family.

It hurts so much.

You are not alone.

I still have one of Floppy's old collars. It's frayed and matted with fur, and I can't bring myself to throw it away. I lost Floppy around ten years ago.

My husband killed himself last February. Before then he was in a nursing home for over a year, and in rehab and hospitals before that. And I still have some of his insulin in the refrigerator, not because I can't bear to throw it away but because I can't figure out how to throw it away safely (I need to call my doctor's office on that one).

Practical considerations and emotional considerations get all mixed up when we're dealing with loss. Sometimes the best answer is to put off dealing with something until we're a little less personally fragile.

As for cat food, I'm currently gathering up all the canned cat food I bought for Jasmine while we were still figuring out that she's now allergic to the food she ate for years, in preparation for taking it to a local shelter. Jasmine is still with me, on a novel protein diet, so this isn't about loss with her; it's about making use of the food that I paid for and now can't give to her. But you might want to consider donating some of Sammy's old food to other cats who are in need, in Sammy's name. That way you aren't so much parting with the food he loved as extending that love to encompass other cats.

Margret

 

[Antonio65]

Margret , I'm sorry to read this. Life puts us in very tough situations sometimes, and it seems that it's hard for us to find a reason to carry on.
Hugs.

 

[Margret]

Thank you, Antonio65 .

I have plenty of reason to carry on; I'm not suicidal. I am, however, very fortunate in my friends. I've been told that the best predictor of whether a widow or widower will survive more than a year or two after the death of their spouse is the quality of emotional support they get from their community, and I believe it.

I'm a member of a musical community named "Denver Filk." "Denver" is, of course, our location. "Filk," however, is harder to define. Many years ago, at science fiction conventions, there would be a notice in the program book saying something like "Science fiction folk singing will be in room thus and so from the end of the costume contest until everyone is too tired to sing any more." And then one day someone who was preparing a program book pressed the wrong key, and "folk singing" became "filk singing." And everyone said, "Oh! Is that what we're calling it now?!" and, sure enough, it was.

My filk group meets once a month or so, either in the home of the one member who is deathly allergic to cats (since all the rest of us have homes full of cat fur and dander) or, lately, via Zoom (and I am getting very tired of Zoom). We go around the circle, so everybody gets a turn. When it's your turn you can Pick, Pass, or Perform. "Pick" means pick a song, or a subject, or a performer you want to hear more from - we don't guarantee that we can accomodate you, but we'll try. "Pass" is obvious. "Perform" means whatever we want it to mean - I've been known to read Click, Clack, Moo, but generally it's something musical. And no one ever criticizes your performance; not only is it against the rules it's against the personal standards of these people. They will, however, help if you ask them to, say, give you a starting note, or help you figure out a way to do something that's beyond your current musical skill level.

The songs range from silly:


to sad:


to breathtakingly beautiful:


But the important thing is the people in this community. When we had a house guest who physically abused me ten years ago, some filk friends of mine took me and Jasmine in until we could get her completely evicted from our home. The same friends have promised to take me to any doctor appointments I can't drive myself to - I have some outpatient surgery coming up, for instance, and doctors have this silly notion that their patients shouldn't drive themselves home while they're still woozy from sedation, so these friends will take me to and from that surgery. They'd also be willing to stay with me afterward if I didn't already have someone to take care of me for a day or so. And they're there for me when I really need a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

Also (and this isn't about the filk community), about 7 months after Roger died I discovered an a cappella band named Pentatonix. I was seriously late to the party; these guys have been around since 2011 and have an impressive body of work out there. They have three Grammys (the only a cappella band to have ever won any Grammys) and received a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame two months ago. I've found much of their music to be immensely comforting (though I won't be listening to their cover of "Mad World" ever again - a song about liking the dreams in which the dreamer dies is a bit too close to home after losing someone to suicide). I've downloaded much of their music and put it on my little mp3 player so I can listen to it whenever I like, and I have a lot of it on a microSD card that I can listen to in the car. It helps. Immensely. I strongly recommend subscribing to their YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/@PTXofficial.

Margret

 

[moodycatdaddy]

Hi Margret! Thank you for sharing this. It's so well-written and full of insight. I am going through the exact same thing, and there is comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one. I thought I was okay, and I guess I had a relapse. I took a short cut when it's only been 3 weeks. One of the reasons, is because I don't want to be a downer around my friends. And don't get me wrong. No one ever told me to get over RapRap's death already, it's just that I personally feel like, I don't want to burden them anymore with random episodes of grief. I'm sorry you had to go through all that and I'm sorry that there was a lot of pain and regret surrounding Sweet Thing's passing, but I really appreciate you reaching out and sharing your experience with me. Thank you.

 

[Margret]

moodycatdaddy , it's difficult being around people for a while. After my dad died I remember going to the mall for something or other and passing a sporting goods store that had a display of fancy fishing rods and reels in the window and thinking, "Ooh! I should tell Dad about that. I bet he'd like one of those." At which point, of course, it suddenly hit me that I couldn't tell him about it and I burst into tears. How long that kind of reaction continues varies; it's another one of those "takes as long as it takes" things.

But that example is about being in a public place when grief suddenly hits. With friends and family it's somewhat different. If your friends aren't getting after you to "get over it" I think you'll find that they also don't feel burdened by your grief, and want to be supportive. It may be better, for them as well as for you, to accept that support. We all want to be able to ease pain and minimize suffering; on the rare occasions when there's actually a way to do so it makes us feel more powerful to take that opportunity.

Also, I recently discovered a song that I've found helpful in dealing with the grief and anger occasioned by my husband's decision to end his own life last year. It's more about the loss of a romantic relationship than the loss of a pet, but it's rather a good description of the healing process. The song is named "Happy Now," and it was written and performed by Pentatonix.



I especially like the lines:
"Is it illegal to dance like I'm about to
"Am I allowed to when I'm without you
"I wanna be happy now, I wanna be happy now"

Note that the singer is going to dance, whether or not it's "illegal." In this context, illegality is a feeling, something internal, not external, and the singer is rebelling against that feeling by dancing anyway. This isn't taking a shortcut; it specifically acknowledges the grief, but it also looks ahead by doing something that affirms life. And it makes space for a bit of happiness even in the midst of grief. That's healthy.

Margret

 

[moodycatdaddy]

I was initially confused though, at first. I thought that was Nicki Minaj in the video thumbnail. I was like, what does Nicki Minaj have to do with my grief. And when I realized it wasn't her, I almost laughed out loud. Thank you for sharing this song. It's beautiful. One can't help but have their spirits be lifted, if only for a moment.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I can only imagine the pain you have to go through. I admire how you allow yourself to be a source of strength to others, when you have been through so much yourself. I hope you always find peace when it gets bad. Sending love.

 

[Margret]

I was initially confused though, at first. I thought that was Nicki Minaj in the video thumbnail. I was like, what does Nicki Minaj have to do with my grief. And when I realized it wasn't her, I almost laughed out loud. Thank you for sharing this song. It's beautiful. One can't help but have their spirits be lifted, if only for a moment.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I can only imagine the pain you have to go through. I admire how you allow yourself to be a source of strength to others, when you have been through so much yourself. I hope you always find peace when it gets bad. Sending love.

Thank you. I'm in therapy, and it helps. Also, support cuts both ways. Remember what I said about your friends wanting to help, because helping someone else makes them feel more powerful? That applies to me, as well. And one of the worst parts of losing someone to suicide is the feeling that you should have been able to prevent it; the fact that you couldn't makes you feel inadequate, powerless, incompetent to face the world. I'm still dealing with that huge quagmire of negativity, and this is one way I fight it.

As for the music, I first discovered Pentatonix about 7 months after my husband's death, and I wish I'd found them sooner. They're an a cappella group, for the most part, with five members. They're the only a cappella group to have ever won a Grammy, except they've actually won three Grammys. They're also the only a cappella group with a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame. Each of them is an incredible musician in his or her own right, but together they're magical. As a general rule, if instruments are used you'll be able to see the instruments in the video; the big exception to that rule is their 2022 Christmas album, Holidays Around The World, which had as its theme collaborations with artists from all over the world. Unfortunately, when they were recording it COVID travel restrictions were still in place so most of those collaborations had to be done from a distance, electronically, and you can't see their collaborators in the video, so you don't see the instruments the collaborators were using.

Pretty much everything they've ever recorded is on YouTube; you can find their channel at https://youtube.com/@PTXofficial It's all beautiful and it's very life affirming, though if you've ever lost someone to suicide you should avoid their cover of "Mad World"; it cuts a bit too close to the bone.

The thing is, good music is one of life's great joys. It's something you can cry to, or laugh at, or dance to, or just lose yourself in for a few minutes, and sometimes it contains exactly the message you needed to hear. I've found all of that in Pentatonix's music, generally at the time when I most needed it, so I tend to think of them in terms of how their music has directly effected my emotional health at the time of my deepest need, and I don't hesitate to recommend them to others who are grieving.

Margret

 

[moodycatdaddy]

They're definitely a talented bunch. Their voices and harmonies move the soul. Music has that power. And I can't imagine life without it. I enjoy reading your comments. You write so eloquently.

 

[Furballsmom]

It's something you can cry to, or laugh at, or dance to, or just lose yourself in for a few minutes,

You write so eloquently.

Margret is awesome.

If I may, to anyone reading this, your cats can benefit from music as well. Harp music, other classical pieces, and also those contemporary ones that have been written/composed/created specifically for cats, can be surprisingly, wonderfully helpful.

 

[Antonio65]

I may, to anyone reading this, your cats can benefit from music as well. Harp music, other classical pieces, and also those contemporary ones that have been written/composed/created specifically for cats, can be surprisingly, wonderfully helpful.

When we're out and leave our cats home alone, I usually turn some music for cats on.
There are pieces that last up to 10 hours and I found that this music helps a lot. My cats seem more relaxed and at ease when we come back home.