Devastated...

[SnugglesAnn]

Thank you all so much. Last night was a mixture of sadness, guilt, anger, and peace. After seeing her mouth yesterday, I knew I had made the right choice. I keep trying to tell myself, even now, that there was something else that could have been done. But, family has reminded me that the mass was not even near what I thought could have been a piece of a tooth and that it definitely looked like a tumor, not just the normal red inflammation. I also read elsewhere where several cats had gotten over stomatitis and then developed a tumor. I know I will continue to question everything, but I am glad she gets to eat, and can eat, whatever she wants now.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Snuggles, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your mama's heart forever.

 

[kittens mom]

It's so seldom said. You did the right thing for Snuggles. There is that moment in our hearts when we know the fight is over. Being able to accept and letting them go in a merciful way instead of guarding ourselves from the pain we know we're going to feel and hanging on to them is true love. I can say with absolute certainty that anyone reading this thread has tears streaming down their face. We have all been you.

 

[denice]

Don't torture yourself with the what ifs. You loved her and did everything possible for her. She is free of her broken body now. The sadness will lessen over time and the memories that bring sadness now will in time be happy memories.

 

[di and bob]

Please try not to dwell on that end, nor all those should haves, what ifs. They bring nothing but heartache and cannot change what has happened. Concentrate on what Snuggles brought into your life, and what she taught you, she left behind a legacy of love. Do not let the pain of her her parting overwhelm all the years of happiness and joy, she would want no less for the one she loves above all else.
You formed a bond with her that will tie your souls together for eternity, because love is spiritual, so forever. That bond can never be taken from you, it is forged of love and not even death can break it. Her new journey will forever parallel your own, until that path once more crosses at the end of your own journey on this earth. We are left behind to mourn the loss of their companionship, to remember the happiness and to honor their names by passing on the legacy they leave us. To have never known that sweet girl at all would have been unthinkable, celebrate sharing your life's journey with her for a little while, and use your precious memories to bring you comfort in your time of need.
I believe that license plate was a sign, one of many she will offer you. Open your heart and know she will always be near, her memory kept alive in a heart that enfolds her for eternity. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers, take care of yourself and surround yourself with those who understand your pain......RIP precious Suggles. Be assured you will never be forgotten in this world, you will forever be a beloved soulmate to the one who misses you so dearly. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again. Good night, sleep tight, little princess!

 

[SnugglesAnn]

Last night was worse than the night before; this morning even harder than yesterday. I keep thinking she's just hiding, and I have to remind myself she's not. I can't thank everyone enough for taking the time to listen, respond, and share in my pain. It makes the pain a little more bearable.

 

[kittens mom]

Yeah we know. It hurts beyond hurt. It will get better , then worse, then better again and the waves will go on for a while. Sometimes years. You will find yourself hit with the grief just when you thought things were getting better. Again this is all normal and part of how we cope. This is a safe space to express your feelings. Purge , sob , repeat. The one thing to remember is the more your fight it the worse it is. Your grief is respected and understood here.

 

[Antonio65]

I'm terribly sorry to read what you and your Snuggles went through.
I'm very sensible to all cats' deaths, but I am particularly sensible when a cat dies from an oral mass, that is what happened to my cat in March 2017. She was diagnosed with this mass under her tongue and I tried everything on this earth, but I failed and my Lola is in pets' heaven now.
It is hard to accept and just like you I had hopes that something would have happened to save her, something exceptional, unique, never seen before, a miracle, but it didn't happen.

It hurts now, and it will for some time. How long depends on any of us, in my case it is still hurting, and I'm still crying.

One of your posts stirred my mind and my memories and incredibly something came to my mind.
A year and a half before she passed, a year before the diagnosis, she had a slight episode of stomatitis or something that looked like it. A red and inflammed spot at the end of her jaw, behind the last tooth. She wasn't eating, so I thought this was the reason. I talked to a person a she advised me to use some colloidal silver to be sprayed on the lesion. And so I did and it seemed to me that things went a little better.
I had completely removed this episode from my mind, and now it has come back.
Now I am torn with guilt. What if the colloidal silver that I sprayed into her mouth triggered the cancer to grow?
Thanks for making my mind aware of this event.

RIP Snuggles, you're in heaven now, where there's no pain or sufference. Play and run free.

 

[blueyedgirl5946]

I will only say you are in my thoughts and prayers. It hurts, but you did the right thing. In time your good memories will bring you peace. Hugs.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

I'm terribly sorry to read what you and your Snuggles went through.
I'm very sensible to all cats' deaths, but I am particularly sensible when a cat dies from an oral mass, that is what happened to my cat in March 2017. She was diagnosed with this mass under her tongue and I tried everything on this earth, but I failed and my Lola is in pets' heaven now.
It is hard to accept and just like you I had hopes that something would have happened to save her, something exceptional, unique, never seen before, a miracle, but it didn't happen.

It hurts now, and it will for some time. How long depends on any of us, in my case it is still hurting, and I'm still crying.

One of your posts stirred my mind and my memories and incredibly something came to my mind.
A year and a half before she passed, a year before the diagnosis, she had a slight episode of stomatitis or something that looked like it. A red and inflammed spot at the end of her jaw, behind the last tooth. She wasn't eating, so I thought this was the reason. I talked to a person a she advised me to use some colloidal silver to be sprayed on the lesion. And so I did and it seemed to me that things went a little better.
I had completely removed this episode from my mind, and now it has come back.
Now I am torn with guilt. What if the colloidal silver that I sprayed into her mouth triggered the cancer to grow?
Thanks for making my mind aware of this event.

RIP Snuggles, you're in heaven now, where there's no pain or sufference. Play and run free.

I'm terribly sorry to read what you and your Snuggles went through.
I'm very sensible to all cats' deaths, but I am particularly sensible when a cat dies from an oral mass, that is what happened to my cat in March 2017. She was diagnosed with this mass under her tongue and I tried everything on this earth, but I failed and my Lola is in pets' heaven now.
It is hard to accept and just like you I had hopes that something would have happened to save her, something exceptional, unique, never seen before, a miracle, but it didn't happen.

It hurts now, and it will for some time. How long depends on any of us, in my case it is still hurting, and I'm still crying.

One of your posts stirred my mind and my memories and incredibly something came to my mind.
A year and a half before she passed, a year before the diagnosis, she had a slight episode of stomatitis or something that looked like it. A red and inflammed spot at the end of her jaw, behind the last tooth. She wasn't eating, so I thought this was the reason. I talked to a person a she advised me to use some colloidal silver to be sprayed on the lesion. And so I did and it seemed to me that things went a little better.
I had completely removed this episode from my mind, and now it has come back.
Now I am torn with guilt. What if the colloidal silver that I sprayed into her mouth triggered the cancer to grow?
Thanks for making my mind aware of this event.

RIP Snuggles, you're in heaven now, where there's no pain or sufference. Play and run free.

Antonio65~

This board has been such a blessing. Every morning I wake up I check on here just to find solace in knowing that other people understand and oh, do I understand your pain. Your comment that you had tried everything on this earth made me smile- we will give anything to make our little ones better. I too, desperately, tried everything I could think of- thinking that every time the vet mentioned that cancer could be the reason she was not healing from the stomatitis on that right side, that I would prove him wrong. I tried lysine, plaque off, prednisolone, prednisone, the depo shot, antibiotics, tons and tons of different foods. It worked for a little while, but eventually there was nothing else I could possibly do. When finally the mass appeared, I knew it was going to come whether I liked or not, and putting her through surgery would have only resulted in additional suffering as these things tend to come back. From other sites I have read, it seems that it is common for those kitties with stomatitis to develop oral masses even years after it is been taken care of. One person mentioned that their baby was cured of stomatitis at age 3 and still developed an oral mass at age 12. Then there are others that it just comes out of nowhere. Point being, just like with humans, we no idea the majority of time what predisposes an animal to these things- it could be environment, but is most likely hereditary or a combination of both.

And I feel your guilt- so so much. Did the lysine boost my baby's immune system too much and contribute to this. Did the prednisolone do the opposite and not allow her to heal properly. If I had taken her in to get the extractions sooner would that have prevented it. If I had not had the extraction surgery done would that have prevented it. Oh, those "what-if's" will drive you insane. She seemed so content this past month, that I questioned so many times- how could this be happening. I look back on it though and I see that month was her gift to us. She fought for me and if she had even just attempted a good meal this last time, even just once, I would have kept buying supplements and would have kept on fighting. And the mass still would have happened.

The colloidal silver you gave your precious Lola was your effort to help her- I would have done the exact same thing. In fact, it is a way that many actually attempt to treat cancer. So, it wouldn't have caused your baby's cancer to grow- like I said, it's going to come whether we like or not. As a matter of fact, I have a feeling you prevented it from coming quicker. So, know that there are those out there who are sharing in your pain and feeling everything you are feeling. It's amazing how much comfort and love they give us through the years and even after they have moved on, they still continue to manage to give us that comfort and love through sharing their stories on boards such as this. As Kittens mom mentioned above, being merciful to them instead of hanging onto them is true love. We have taken their pain away from them and made it our own. Just as we would often give anything to take the pain away from our human children (or other family members), so they don't have to suffer. Take care of yourself and keep in touch on here- we'll be here for you.

 

[Antonio65]

SnugglesAnn ,
You wrote such a beautiful post, I have read and re-read it and every word was a jewel. You made me cry, both for pain and for joy. A joy that comes from the fact that I see that other people can understand what you, me, others, are going through or have suffered. We share a pain and a grief, and sharing a burden makes it less heavy to carry.

I'm always here, trying to carry a little bit of others' pain, but there are days when I just can't do it because my heart hurts so much. So I start reading some posts and then my heart bursts and I can't go on.

We'll be here for you too. I hope your Snuggles comes to your dreams at night. Although it's even more painful when you wake up, it leaves you something inside, as she is telling you that it's all fine, and you feel a dimished pain during the rest of the day.
Hugs!

 

[SnugglesAnn]

Antonio65~

Thank you- I needed that. And just when I thought I was done crying for today. That has been one of the hardest parts- she used to sleep with me at night- always going under the blanket to do so (for the life of me, I don't know how she could breathe under there). The going to sleep and waking up has been so hard- I am so tired, but don't want to sleep because I have to relive it all over again when I wake up. Then this past weekend all we did was sleep together- I didn't want to even get up to go to the bathroom. She seemed so peaceful and I prayed that God would just take her in her sleep. I've attached a picture from this weekend. I will be forever grateful for that time, but I wish I had so much more.

Thank you again for reminding me that we will always still be able to "snuggle" in our dreams and one day, in person yet again.

 

[Purr-fect]

Im sorry SnugglesAnn.

Ive been thru this type of loss also. I dont have any words of wisdom.

Be patient, focus on the good times you shared. You will get better in time. And although your little girl cant be replaced, there can be another special buddy in your life when you are ready.

 

[Antonio65]

That pic is so sweet...
Kitties are all so sweet and look so defenceless in their last hours. It makes us love them even more.

 

[Timmer]

I am very sorry for your loss. I just let my Timmer go this morning.
You did so much for your kitty, do not doubt yourself, at all. It is so hard seeing suffering.
My cat was also on prednisolone and I have to tell you that increases appetite. He was eating like mad til the end and it dawned on me had it not been for the drug, he would have stopped eating probably long ago. So I stopped thinking that eating was a sign he was doing great. He wouldn't have eaten on his own without it. And like you, I was using a syringe for him to give him water. He would perk up after I did that. But what kind of life is that?
He had IBD and couldn't poop. He was on chemo therapy. I never felt right about giving it to him and it wasn't helping. Nothing was helping. My vet told me that he suspected Tim had lymphoma on top of the IBD.
Well, I don't want to ramble.
God bless you. Are babies are in heaven and I do believe they are waiting for US to get up there too! I can't wait to see them!
Hugs to you.

 

[Antonio65]

God bless you. Are babies are in heaven and I do believe they are waiting for US to get up there too! I can't wait to see them!

I'm in line.

 

[SnugglesAnn]

Can I cut in line?

 

[Antonio65]

Only if you're in a hurry

 

[SnugglesAnn]

We will be burying my baby's ashes today at my mom's house. I struggled with that at first, since our house was her home, but we live in a townhouse so people frequently walk through our yard, etc. Figured I would probably go ballistic seeing someone step on her grave (even though they would mean nothing by it). She will join the posse- three family dogs, my other beloved cat from years ago- Anastasia, a bird, a turtle, a few fish, and a gerbil. She will be at peace there. This time last weekend I had still had her to hold, even if only for a few more days. I can still feel her kneading my neck as we slept on the couch and picture her running back to me after she drank water out of the faucet. Her little body that still seemed so full of life. My heart aches so much. I just wish I could hold her one more time.

 

[Antonio65]

I am keeping all my urns at home. I'd hate to lose them too after losing my pets...