Devastated after rehoming one of my cats

gareth

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lol, I'm actually sitting here laughing she's so cute, but then i have always been a sucker for torties !
 

feralvr

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Feralvr, your story has gotten my mind spinning. A part of me wants so badly to speak to the rescue, and the other part of me is paralyzed with fear of bringing him back, and ending up in the same situation. I have been praying for guidance, and am hoping I get a clear answer. Truthfully, this rescue is very serious about the cats in their care, and I am not hopeful that they would give me a second chance. I suppose I won't know until I ask. The whole idea is so frightening to me. I will continue to think about what I will do next, and hopefully, the answer will come. If I knew my boy and girl could happily coexist again, I would be the happiest person in the world. Thank you for giving me a glimmer of hope.
Totally understand your position and your fear of going back there again. Be your own advocate and Nola's advocate at this point in time. It hurts like the dickens when we have to make these heart wrenching decisions. Sometimes they are for the best in the long run but getting through the loss process takes much, much time. I hope that you find reassurance here on site and support as others have gone through the exact same situation. Hang in there and hoping that you will find your way through all of this! AND you will. :nod: :vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes::vibes: :hugs:
 
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aislinn

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Thank you, Feralvr, for your insight. I'll keep praying and hoping for the best outcome for the three of us. You've all been so wonderful, and as I've said before, this site has been a Godsend. I had nowhere to turn until I found this site. Now I must help others going through the same thing. This is not the end of my story, and I hope that the ending is a happy one. I'll check back in with updates.

Mamamyt1953, this little girl owns my heart. She was a hissed when she first came to live with me. She was found, along with her brother, at 4 months old, living in a parking lot. I adopted her at 8 months. It took a long time to gain her trust, but now, we're as thick as thieves. She is helping me get through this. She also has one front, orange paw. She is just adorable.
 

Mamanyt1953

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As you can tell, I'm partial to torties.  They're remarkable cats. My Hekitty has one solid black front paw and one speckled one, and the reverse pattern on the back.
 
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aislinn

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Sounds beautiful.
 

NewYork1303

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Thank you so much for sharing this story. You have helped me to really understand and see what it is like to give up a cat. I have to admit that when I adopted my cat from the shelter, I had some judgement for the people who returned him there. He was returned twice. Once by his first adopter when he was still a kitten, again as an adult by a second adopter. 

Now that I have heard your story I'm seeing how hard it must have been for them to give him up. I hope they know how much we love him and care for him now. We have sent plenty of updates to the shelter. I am hoping that they've seen them. 

I'm so sorry you had to rehome your cat. I really do feel like you did the right thing. I am sure he'll find a new home very soon. 
 
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aislinn

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Sounds beautiful.
 
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aislinn

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Thank you for your kind words and understanding, NewYork1303. I too would have felt the way you did about people who give up their pets until I was faced with the heartbreaking decision myself. I never ever imagined that I would do such a thing. I honestly felt there was no option at the time. If I had known how devastating it was going to be, I would not have done it. I wish I could turn back time and reverse my decision. I would have found a way to permanently separate them in my home, which is not ideal, but at least he would still be in my life. I just don't see how I will ever get over my decision. The wounds are still so fresh, and I think about him every second of every day. My only hope now is that someone like you will adopt him and love him for the rest of his life. I want him to know how sorry I am that I gave up on him. It is truly the most heartbreaking situation I have ever experienced. Thank you for adopting an adult cat. It gives me hope for my little boy.
 

kittens mom

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Thank you for your kind words and understanding, NewYork1303. I too would have felt the way you did about people who give up their pets until I was faced with the heartbreaking decision myself. I never ever imagined that I would do such a thing. I honestly felt there was no option at the time. If I had known how devastating it was going to be, I would not have done it. I wish I could turn back time and reverse my decision. I would have found a way to permanently separate them in my home, which is not ideal, but at least he would still be in my life. I just don't see how I will ever get over my decision. The wounds are still so fresh, and I think about him every second of every day. My only hope now is that someone like you will adopt him and love him for the rest of his life. I want him to know how sorry I am that I gave up on him. It is truly the most heartbreaking situation I have ever experienced. Thank you for adopting an adult cat. It gives me hope for my little boy.
You are showing all the classic signs of grief.

I could have done more.

I let my cat down.

Misplaced guilt.

I live with it everyday for taking my beloved cat child Kitten to the vet who blinded her and is in my opinion the cause of her death.

Like either one of us would have done anything to hurt or endanger our cats.

I had no way of knowing what this vet would do.

And you had no control over the reaction your boy had with misplaced aggression.

Everyone who loses a pet. Feels this same guilt. I could have done something more. If just keeping them separated the rest of their lives would have been a viable situation that's what you would have done.

No one here is blaming you. You need to forgive yourself. Easier said than done. Believe me it's a work in progress.
 
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aislinn

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Thank you, Kittens Mom. I am so sorry that you lost your little Kitten in such a tragic way. My heart goes out to you. Despite your pain, you took the time to comfort me too. I do need to forgive myself and I know I will get there. The grief is overwhelming, but I know it will ease in time. I can't say enough how much this site has saved me. There has been no judgment. Just kindness. It has helped me the most because I had nowhere to turn. There are so many others who have been through similar if not worse situations and it's been therapeutic to hear and share these stories. Thank you all so much. Please pray that my little boy, Finn, finds his forever home, and I mean forever. Thank you.
 

gareth

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Grief does not ease with time alone. It's what you DO with that time.

This is a pretty good guide

http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-with-Loss-and-Pain

An important part of it is to find an outlet for your grief. Doesn't matter other its running, walking, shouting at the sky, screaming at the wall, whatever. you need to let the pain out from time to time. I know when Eva died I proved conclusively over several weeks that it is not possible to kick an oak tree to death, no matter how hard and how often you try. I'm not suggesting that, but if you need to rage at the unfairness of it all, then do so.
 
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aislinn

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Thank you, Gareth. Those are great ideas. I do most of my crying while driving to and from work. That helps me get it out of my system. Although, yesterday, one of my colleagues who didn't know my story asked me how my kitties were doing. I completely lost it. The poor woman was sorry she ever asked. I may start walking. That always seems to help. There aren't any oak trees for me to kick, but I think if there were, the oak tree would win. I'll check out that link you posted. I do know that once I know that my boy is in a home, I will feel so much better. I'm not sure how long that will take. I am ashamed to say that I sent the rescue group an email on Monday asking how my boy was doing, but they never replied. I think they're pretty well tired of this crazy lady constantly asking for updates. I've got to accept that and move on.
 
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aislinn

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Oh, and Gareth, I wanted to mention how sorry I am that you lost Eva. It must have been devastating for you. People who have never had pets would never understand.
 

kittens mom

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Thank you, Gareth. Those are great ideas. I do most of my crying while driving to and from work. That helps me get it out of my system. Although, yesterday, one of my colleagues who didn't know my story asked me how my kitties were doing. I completely lost it. The poor woman was sorry she ever asked. I may start walking. That always seems to help. There aren't any oak trees for me to kick, but I think if there were, the oak tree would win. I'll check out that link you posted. I do know that once I know that my boy is in a home, I will feel so much better. I'm not sure how long that will take. I am ashamed to say that I sent the rescue group an email on Monday asking how my boy was doing, but they never replied. I think they're pretty well tired of this crazy lady constantly asking for updates. I've got to accept that and move on.
My biggest fear after losing Kitten was not getting HER back.  I went and witnessed her singular cremation from start to finish when her ashes were sealed in an urn. As awful as her loss is I have the cold comfort of knowing where she is.  You don't. You relinquished control. But he's at a rescue that is looking out for his best interests now JUST LIKE YOU DID. And maybe just maybe they realize you need to let go and are moving you along in your letting go like it or not. So while you know where your baby is you don't have any control over where he may go.

The hardest thing I had to do was accept Kitten was gone. I made up her bed on my computer chair for weeks. I still cry nearly 5 months later. It isn't the raw grief. Well sometimes it is.

The thing is you can't avoid grief. Which is what you are doing by not letting go. Some very wise here once posted you can't get around grief. You have to go through it in order to come out the other side.

There are so many hands here reaching out to help pull you through and without them I would have been lost. Openly express your feelings. But listen also.
 
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aislinn

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Oh, Kittens Mom, I didn't realize you lost Kittens so recently. I am so, so sorry. I know how hard it is. I lost my Ernie 5 years ago, and was completely broken. You're still early into the loss, and I promise you, it does get better. I'm sure having her ashes does comfort you. I used to talk to Ernie after he died, and told him over and over how much I loved him. I agree with you about my not letting go. I tell myself over and over that I do not have control and must let the rescue take care of him now. I completely trust that they will do what's best for him which helps. I will work on letting go. After Ernie died, I had his ashes put in a box that I have near his picture. I then planted a pear tree on my condominium property, which is lovingly called the Ernie Tree by all of my neighbors. When it was first planted, I watered it diligently. The first evening, I gave it a good soaking, and was chatting with a neighbor while I watered, both of us talking about little Ernie. When I finished watering, and the huge puddle was absorbed by the soil, there was a heart surrounding the trunk. As crazy as this sounds, it was the most comforting sight ever imaginable to me. I include the photo here. Your little Kitten is still with you. Speak to her and she'll hear you. She loves you more than you can even imagine.
 
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aislinn

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And completely out of the blue, Kittens Mom. I'll cherish the moment forever.
 

kittens mom

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And completely out of the blue, Kittens Mom. I'll cherish the moment forever.
You need to do something for your boy. Humans are wired for ritual. Part of a funeral ritual is letting go. I'm not suggesting you bury him in effigy but rather find a way to honor his time with you. I mean the good times didn't suddenly vanish when you had to make such a difficult choice.

We feel alone in our pain. But I promise somewhere someone has , is or will go through what you did. And then you can reach out and offer them a shoulder to lean on. This is wonderful community and I encourage you to stick around and participate.

http://www.thecatsite.com/t/310574/mercy/360   This is my thread for Little Mercy and Baby Mook. both of which are torties. I encourage you to start a thread for your girl and share.
 
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