Dealing with the toughest period of my life these past 7+ months

[di and bob]

I have pretty much gone through a lot of the things you are going through, my heart breaks for ANY child having to deal with this. You are doing a great job, but at what cost?! You are doing the best you can.
The whole thing has changed me, and I hope children of aging parents take heed. I am cleaning out NOW. i don't want any excess 'stuff' around when I die for my kids to go through. i still haven't convinced my husband to sell a lot of his stuff, but I have a feeling when his dad goes and we go through a huge house and outbuildings stuffed he will change too. they have every vehicle they have owned since the 60's and a lot of tractors! Things that are important or sentimental I am giving to my kids now. and make sure you have a will!

 

[Kwik]

les26
I do hope you know what a wonderful son you are,you're Mom & Dad must've been wonderful parents as you are reflection of them-,they did a heck of a job and YOU are the Fruit of their labors.....you do understand that not everyone puts their parents first when there's lots of money involved?Don't you? You're storing up immeasurable rewards in Heaven.
No doubt your Dad worked hard to be able to spend as he did,good for him!!!I'm just sorry you're left to pick up all these pieces,it was alot but you're nearly finished now-I think you're their Blessing ,they could not have wished for a better son and I'm sure they've always known it.
I'm waiting to hear your Moms going home with her hubby-then just enjoy every moment together...and you'll remain in my prayers
It's truly a pleasure meeting you-well done les,be proud of all you've accomplished thus far....quite a task!

 

[les26]

I have pretty much gone through a lot of the things you are going through, my heart breaks for ANY child having to deal with this. You are doing a great job, but at what cost?! You are doing the best you can.
The whole thing has changed me, and I hope children of aging parents take heed. I am cleaning out NOW. i don't want any excess 'stuff' around when I die for my kids to go through. i still haven't convinced my husband to sell a lot of his stuff, but I have a feeling when his dad goes and we go through a huge house and outbuildings stuffed he will change too. they have every vehicle they have owned since the 60's and a lot of tractors! Things that are important or sentimental I am giving to my kids now. and make sure you have a will!

A few years ago we had to clean out Deb's parents house and I used to say "it was like packing up and moving a Walmart" as it was LOADED with stuff, but her dad was with it enough to know they should downsize. Then after he passed we had to do it again in the smaller house where they moved to from that first house, there was still a ton of stuff but my brother-in-law sold it through an auctioneer and hardly got a lot of money for it, but the whole experience has Deb and to a lesser extent me cleaning out or house NOW too just like you, getting rid of the clutter and things we don't need so it will be less to do down the road when we are older and not able to move around as much!

But my parents place is another Walmart deal, loaded with stuff, but we are selling off what we can, throwing out what we don't need, donating things so someone else can use them, I heard of a guy that will buy books and my mom has a a LOT of them so I need to call him, then we will go with the auctioneer that just helped us sell the 1957 Lincoln and go from there. The last properties that we sold the buyer was the broker that our realtor works for and he bought things "as is" meaning no inspections and we could just leave what we didn't want there which was a HUGE blessing and help, so that is our plan. But we learned from BOTH sets of parents what you said, get rid of things NOW!!

And yes we have wills, and that was something that I had to do over a year ago, take my parents to sign and have theirs finalized, thank God that got done!!

 

[les26]

les26
I do hope you know what a wonderful son you are,you're Mom & Dad must've been wonderful parents as you are reflection of them-,they did a heck of a job and YOU are the Fruit of their labors.....you do understand that not everyone puts their parents first when there's lots of money involved?Don't you? You're storing up immeasurable rewards in Heaven.
No doubt your Dad worked hard to be able to spend as he did,good for him!!!I'm just sorry you're left to pick up all these pieces,it was alot but you're nearly finished now-I think you're their Blessing ,they could not have wished for a better son and I'm sure they've always known it.
I'm waiting to hear your Moms going home with her hubby-then just enjoy every moment together...and you'll remain in my prayers
It's truly a pleasure meeting you-well done les,be proud of all you've accomplished thus far....quite a task!

Thanks a lot...

I know that my parents are aware of all that has transpired, even dad with his Aphasia and Dementia, he has thanked me several times "for all you are doing", and my mom too has said several times "you're doing an amazing job", and some of the hospital staff has told me that she really "talks me up" to them, so they do know that I was left with a lot to do but am handling it, many times I have prayed for strength and He has helped me, it would've been easier to do this WITH them but as Deb and I see now they were in no mental state to be able to deal with anything like that and it just became overwhelming and they just gave up and then the mental state took over, I still feel sad about that, probably always will, but that's how their lives played out, and I will always attribute a lot of it to the overmedicating with those powerful migraine drugs, but that's what they chose to do and I talked to them about it but could not change their minds, it's amazing they lived to 83 and 84 so far after all of that, but that's how things are meant to play out I guess...

I know MANY people have said "a lot of kids would've taken their parents over, took the money and ran", but people like that who would do that to their own parents will have to deal with a harsh judgement one day, no way I would ever do that, everything I have sold and are selling I get a fair price for it and the money gets put into the bank so they have plenty to live on, and when the time comes Deb & I will get what is left, but they have always been, are and will be my first priority, I want them to be as good as they can be in these final years, and yes I hope she will get released back to him very soon too and that she can stay there without another hospital trip in a few days!!

 

[neely]

I will always attribute a lot of it to the overmedicating with those powerful migraine drugs, but that's what they chose to do and I talked to them about it but could not change their minds,

At one time I got pretty severe migraines too and my doctor had prescribed a medicine that worked at first but then I needed something stronger. I tried not to take it too often because I knew about the side effects but sometimes I had no choice because I had to teach at school. Fortunately I don't get migraines as often anymore and haven't taken the medicine in over two years which is a blessing. If I do feel a headache coming on I have a cup of strong coffee which helps and Ibuprofen instead.

I know MANY people have said "a lot of kids would've taken their parents over, took the money and ran", but people like that who would do that to their own parents will have to deal with a harsh judgement one day

Yes, I know people like that too. Most recently my husband has a friend/acquaintance who's mother has dementia and some other health issues. He brought her to his home not because he wants to take care of her but because he doesn't want her spending HER money in assisted living or a skilled care facility. He wants to be able to get all her money when she passes away. It's a very sad situation.

I'm glad you are looking after your parents well being and making their final years your top priority. Fingers crossed your mom will be released from the hospital soon and be able to join your dad.

 

[les26]

At one time I got pretty severe migraines too and my doctor had prescribed a medicine that worked at first but then I needed something stronger. I tried not to take it too often because I knew about the side effects but sometimes I had no choice because I had to teach at school. Fortunately I don't get migraines as often anymore and haven't taken the medicine in over two years which is a blessing. If I do feel a headache coming on I have a cup of strong coffee which helps and Ibuprofen instead.

My mom was a teacher also, 2nd grade and at times 3rd! I wish that someone would have told them about meds that PREVENT the headaches rather than treat the symptoms about 35 years ago, like this doctor did in 2017, but maybe they didn't exist back then?

Glad you are doing better with them and not needing as much of them!!

 

[les26]

I got called today, they were to move her to the rehab place AGAIN which is next door to the assisted living place, they say she needs more work until she can rejoin my dad. I also emailed and questioned if she doesn't respond real well if maybe the two of them should just move into the rooms at the rehab place where some people do live, they said they will work with her and evaluate her and go from there. But she is out of the hospital, alt least for now....

 

[Kwik]

les26
How are you doing,hear anything since they were supposed to re-evaluate your Mom? I know it's not even a week yet but I was just thinking about you and hoping you might have gotten some good news

 

[les26]

les26
How are you doing,hear anything since they were supposed to re-evaluate your Mom? I know it's not even a week yet but I was just thinking about you and hoping you might have gotten some good news

She needs a lot of help with some things, so so help with others. They did another chest x-ray right there at the rehab place and think she still has some residual Pneumonia from the aspiration so they have her on another 5 days of an antibiotic. Her oxygen dipped to 79 the other night, she hasn't been on it for about 2 weeks, but they put her back on it and it came up quickly, it might be from the Pneumonia. I saw her the last two days and gave her some pep talks to eat, drink, rest, rehab and try her best to get better, so I hope she takes it to heart.

Thanks for asking!!

 

[Kwik]

She needs a lot of help with some things, so so help with others. They did another chest x-ray right there at the rehab place and think she still has some residual Pneumonia from the aspiration so they have her on another 5 days of an antibiotic. Her oxygen dipped to 79 the other night, she hasn't been on it for about 2 weeks, but they put her back on it and it came up quickly, it might be from the Pneumonia. I saw her the last two days and gave her some pep talks to eat, drink, rest, rehab and try her best to get better, so I hope she takes it to heart.

Thanks for asking!!

Pneumonia can knock a young,healthy person off their feet so it's no wonder,poor dear.. thank God she has you,I'm sure your pep talks mean everything to her.....
I sure wish I had a son like you,Bless you

 

[les26]

Pneumonia can knock a young,healthy person off their feet so it's no wonder,poor dear.. thank God she has you,I'm sure your pep talks mean everything to her.....
I sure wish I had a son like you,Bless you

This is very sweet, thank you...

Today an auctioneer is supposed to stop by their house to see what all is there and to tell us what he could take out as we are cleaning that up now and will sell it, it is the last thing along with a car in the garage that were on a list of 11 things that I made about a year ago when I realized that I would have to undertake this huge task of getting rid of their items that they had but never did anything with. We were over there yesterday, going through things, throwing things out, taking stuff to Goodwill to donate, and it is tough emotionally to do but I also am tired of doing these things, I work full time, I deal with both parents in two different places or in the hospital, I have been dealing with this for a year now and it is getting to me, I would just like to be able to relax for awhile but I still have this in my face, but like Deb says this is the last of it, when this is gone we can just concentrate on dealing with them, so I hope the auctioneer can help clean this out, but also when we were there yesterday a young guy came up to us and said that he is a realtor, his friend bought my Nana's house across the street, he is interested in buying my parents house, would buy it "as is", no inspections just like the other homes that I already sold, he wants his kids in the school district there, and would take anything that we would want to leave behind! I texted my realtor, she looked him up, she said he bought his first house for $133,000 and flipped it for $295,000 so she thinks he wants to flip it, but I told her he kept saying he wants to live there near his friend, so either he's telling us the truth or he's a good actor lol! But she said that's great, so we have one potential buyer, but she said we should "put it out there to see" on the market and maybe we could get a bidding war so we'll do that when the time comes, but we have a lot of cleanup to do yet but we are moving on it.

I'm just tired of this stuff, they have so much junk in the house, it's like they hoarded stuff and now we have to deal with it, just like everything else they had but just hung on to, but like Deb says after this is gone we are done, all of the homes and cars and properties will be sold, and we can just deal with my parents then...

 

[Jem]

she said we should "put it out there to see" on the market and maybe we could get a bidding war so we'll do that when the time comes

Do what YOU want to do with this house. Yeah you may be able to get a bidding war going on, but usually that means that you will need to do more work with the house before putting it up for sale and during the sale. If the guy who wants to buy the house accepts a good price that you are comfortable with, with no conditions and you can be done with it...considering all you've been thru, seems pretty good also. I think I remember you saying that your parents are comfortable financially so does a few 10s of thousand dollars make a big difference in the end? I don't know your realtor, but getting into a bidding war just means a higher commission for her, so just ask yourself, is it worth it for YOU or is she just suggesting this for a higher commission.

 

[Kwik]

@les....you're welcome,it's my good pleasure to talk with you,no doubt you are around my own sons age and you are a really good kid,a breath of fresh air!

And you are very very Blessed with a wonderful woman at your side,deservingly.... you are quite the team,also a breath of fresh air! Deb is right,this is the last of it,the grueling year is gone,11 overwhelming obstacles to overcome and now one more to go.....it's almost over and yes,then you can just focus on Mom & Dad without the tons of emotional distractions and tasks...and hopefully you and Deb can get some R&R with your parents on the mend

It's really good to vent out here,many men don't and that's really bad for anyone to keep it all inside,so just so you know-Im here,we are here.....cheering you on!

 

[Kwik]

Do what YOU want to do with this house. Yeah you may be able to get a bidding war going on, but usually that means that you will need to do more work with the house before putting it up for sale and during the sale. If the guy who wants to buy the house accepts a good price that you are comfortable with, with no conditions and you can be done with it...considering all you've been thru, seems pretty good also. I think I remember you saying that your parents are comfortable financially so does a few 10s of thousand dollars make a big difference in the end? I don't know your realtor, but getting into a bidding war just means a higher commission for her, so just ask yourself, is it worth it for YOU or is she just suggesting this for a higher commission.

You're absolutely right-and who cares WHY the guy wants the house,the realtors reasoning gave me pause....
Les can do this sale sinply,quickly and without added cost if the fellow is on the up n up......sounds like a fast "as is" good riddance proposition!I thought exactly what you're saying Jem

 

[les26]

Our realtor is a sweetheart, very nice person, we couldn't have sold these other properties without her because she hooked us up with buyers who bought things "as is", no inspection, cash offers, take what we want and leave what we didn't want, but for some reason she thinks this guy is going to buy it and flip it, and if he is we don't care, but she looked him up and saw that he bought a place and flipped it BUT Deb reminded me (that's why she is around lol!) that he said it was his grandmother's house that he bought but he flipped it because he didn't want to live in that area, but for some reason she thinks he just wants to flip it but I'm sure he doesn't, he said he wants to live there and even left a business card and a note in the mailbox today. But he is getting a bit pushy, saying he'd love to have a "tour" of it, is available TODAY, but we told him yeserday that we had the auctionner coming over today, we are just getting into cleaning it out and aren't ready yet to let him or anyone else in, but maybe he's just eager to see it.

But anyway, the auctioneer was there today and said that they had a lot of nice stuff, was very helpful and knew his stuff, and he would do as much or as little as we wanted or needed him to do. We just want to go through their stuff, lots of paperwork that is not needed anymore but we want to make sure that we don't miss anything, but the job is all his, I don't have the time, energy or patience to do this anymore, we did this last year when we cleaned out a beautiful house that they bought in 2010, loaded up with stuff BUT NEVER MOVED IN!!! So it's like we are moving them twice, I am not running stuff to the library like we did with that house, we went twice this weekend to Goodwill to donate stuff but he can take it all, sell it at auction and whatever doesn't sell he said he donates so that's what we're going to do, I just don't have the patience but then again I work full time sometimes overtime with blind and visually impaired people, have my parents to stop in and see and keep on top of things with them, and I know that this is the end, this is it, I just want it done, finished, over with, so we can just deal with them, I'm just about out of gas with this situation and I know it shows, but everyone who knows me tells me "it's very understandable", and some say "we don't know how you lasted this long!!!"

Strength from God I guess...

I took Pop over to see Mom this morning before we went over to their house, that was good for them both. And me too...

We're almost there, almost done with the huge list, we've come too far to mess it up now, but I just want it to be over with....

 

[les26]

Our realtor sent us several texts that this other realtor that showed up to talk to us the other had posted on Facebook, one saying that he is looking to purchase "any" type of house no matter what condition or what reason it is for sale, so I think that is why she thinks he is going to just flip my parents house, and if so I don't care what he does with it. But he sounded sincere when he said he wanted to live there, but he can wait until she puts it up for sale and go from there. Plus the broker she works for is probably interested, he is the one who bought Nana's house across the street and bought their lake cabin (although he sold it because there were too many issues and it was too far away to keep commuting to fix it), but he was very interested and very pushy about getting my parents house, this was when this whole fiasco was just starting and I told the realtor to tell him to "back off" as I had just put my parents into assisted living and she had to tell him about 3 times but he finally got the message and did so, but I'm sure that he is very much interested in it still, but he also will have to wait until it is cleaned out and on the market.

But one strange thing is this guy posted pictures of his 3 daughters, but he told Deb & I that he had 5 daughters, we were driving home talking about how he would house 5 kids in their house, so that is a bit strange. But we think that she might have gotten a little "put off" that he approached us and was talking his real estate talk to us, that's what we think happened. He said his buddy who bought Nana's house messaged him that I was there so he came over which was fine, but I think she is just looking out for us and when she saw these Facebook posts she formed an idea about him and was a bit offended by it, I don't know. But the same thing happens when we are going to have a car put on auction, people talk to me about it and want to buy it without bidding on it but the auctioneer tells me to tell them "bid on it" and we'll see if they are truly interested in it or of they are just looking for a deal, thinking I'd give in to them. But we will "stay the course", look through it to make sure there is nothing there important that we need to save, have the auctioneer clean it out, put the car online for auction, THEN list it and we'll tell this guy it is up for sale, if he thinks he's going to get a jump on it and I'll give in to his price (whatever that will be) just because he's antsy about it he's mistaken, he'll have his chance like everyone else. And our realtor knows that homes are like gold around here, the market is very much in the sellers favor, she wants us to get a good price for it as this is the last of what we have to sell, and yes they are very well set with the other sales and the investments that I made for them, but she wants us to get what anyone else would get selling this, she is not pushy at all, very patient and a real doll, we wouldn't have sold the other things so easily and fast had we not hooked up with her. We think this just irritated her for the reasons stated above, and we can sort of see that!

 

[Kwik]

Our realtor sent us several texts that this other realtor that showed up to talk to us the other had posted on Facebook, one saying that he is looking to purchase "any" type of house no matter what condition or what reason it is for sale, so I think that is why she thinks he is going to just flip my parents house, and if so I don't care what he does with it. But he sounded sincere when he said he wanted to live there, but he can wait until she puts it up for sale and go from there. Plus the broker she works for is probably interested, he is the one who bought Nana's house across the street and bought their lake cabin (although he sold it because there were too many issues and it was too far away to keep commuting to fix it), but he was very interested and very pushy about getting my parents house, this was when this whole fiasco was just starting and I told the realtor to tell him to "back off" as I had just put my parents into assisted living and she had to tell him about 3 times but he finally got the message and did so, but I'm sure that he is very much interested in it still, but he also will have to wait until it is cleaned out and on the market.

But one strange thing is this guy posted pictures of his 3 daughters, but he told Deb & I that he had 5 daughters, we were driving home talking about how he would house 5 kids in their house, so that is a bit strange. But we think that she might have gotten a little "put off" that he approached us and was talking his real estate talk to us, that's what we think happened. He said his buddy who bought Nana's house messaged him that I was there so he came over which was fine, but I think she is just looking out for us and when she saw these Facebook posts she formed an idea about him and was a bit offended by it, I don't know. But the same thing happens when we are going to have a car put on auction, people talk to me about it and want to buy it without bidding on it but the auctioneer tells me to tell them "bid on it" and we'll see if they are truly interested in it or of they are just looking for a deal, thinking I'd give in to them. But we will "stay the course", look through it to make sure there is nothing there important that we need to save, have the auctioneer clean it out, put the car online for auction, THEN list it and we'll tell this guy it is up for sale, if he thinks he's going to get a jump on it and I'll give in to his price (whatever that will be) just because he's antsy about it he's mistaken, he'll have his chance like everyone else. And our realtor knows that homes are like gold around here, the market is very much in the sellers favor, she wants us to get a good price for it as this is the last of what we have to sell, and yes they are very well set with the other sales and the investments that I made for them, but she wants us to get what anyone else would get selling this, she is not pushy at all, very patient and a real doll, we wouldn't have sold the other things so easily and fast had we not hooked up with her. We think this just irritated her for the reasons stated above, and we can sort of see that!

Good,glad you are most comfortable & confident I'm your realtor,no they certainly don't like it when prospective buyers approach a client-realtors try wiggling their way into sales all the time,even for a half commission......there's no reason why you should simply let the house go since it's a sellers market and seems it won't just sit on the market,Im guessing there's not alot of homes available there.
You've been at it for a year already so what's another month,if that-right?
You're very fortunate to have found that auctioneer,he sounds like a nice fellow.... they are great with estate sales-,a dear friend of mine has an auction company and its so good your parents had so msny valuable things that they are interested in or you'd really have had some big mess like you see on the TV show "hoarders" where they are hauling garbage for days on end!
So you've got reliable,dependable people to help with the process-glad your feeling good about it

 

[les26]

I finally set up someone at the rehab place where Mom is that I can ask questions to and get information from quickly, so that makes me feel better.

Now we are concerned for Simba, our "Lion King" who has to be about 21 years old. He showed up here many years ago as a stray, we thought he was sickly because he was so skinny, his ribs were showing, but he was just underfed until we took him in, and he is the most wonderful cat for all these years, everyone's friend, welcomed the new cats in, bonked all of them, pushes me for treats, just a real sweetie. But he has been getting thinner as older cats do, but he has been throwing up a lot lately, but some of them do, but we are just so concerned that there might be something going on, but he is one that we can never catch and take to the vet, when he had to go many years ago for dental work we had to get someone in here and net him and it was horrible and so stressful, we don't want to put him through that again, but we are hoping it is just a tough spell for him. He still eats, not always twice a day, hasn't for awhile now, but some don't as they get older, but he still walks around like he is on a mission, jumps up on the sofa and chairs and low tables, pushes me for treats, he has been on a dining room chair for awhile now but Deb woke him up and showed him some treats and he became alert quickly so that is good, but we don't like the fact that he is vomiting a lot, so we'll see what happens. But to net him or try to get him into a carrier to go to a vet would stress him out and maybe even give him and us a heart attack like Sabrina when we took her and she died, so we are praying that he is okay, but will watch him closely and if he needs to go he will, but hopefully he just is a bit upset stomach.

We are ALWAYS on the edge with all of this going on with my parents, if something happens to him that will surely push us over the edge....

 

[les26]

He just ate a bunch of Squezze Ups so that is good, and we have to realize that he is much older than the rest so he will have ups and downs, but we are so emotionally "bankrupt" with all of the emotional roller coaster rides these last few months that we can't handle much more right now....

 

[MoochNNoodles]

It sounds like your realtor’s spidey senses are tingling. I hope the rest of this goes smoothly. We live away from family but recently visited DHs family and it was hard not to think about the “someday” when we just visited outside my FIL’s home (and saw how much he has aged in recent years). The responsibilities will most likely fall primarily to my sister in law simply because shes the only one who lives nearby. I’m told DHs uncle’s possessions are filling the garage and he died 30 years ago… It will be a wonderful family house again someday; even if it needs flipping first. I’ve just been hearing so many people go through this with parents lately; its hard to not resent him a little for how things look like they could go someday. (Hes in his mid 80s but relatively healthy.) I think its a combination of being a perfectionist who likes to do things meticulously in his own way, overwhelmed by his own standards, and hesitant to face his own mortality. So then I feel guilty for the resentment. Maybe its a little comfort to know we are all far from being the only ones to have to deal with these things at some point. Even if its something mostly dealt with alone.