A baby potato came home from school one day, and his parents asked what he was doing in school.
He said "I have to write an essay on who I want to grow up to be like."
Mommy potato said "Who are you going to write about?"
Baby Potato said "Tom Brokaw".
Daddy potato sighed and said "Son, if you do that, you'll grow up to be just another common tater."
(I laughed like hell.)
A baby tomato was walking along with his family and started lagging behind.
His parents urged him to hurry up and he kept lagging.
So daddy tomato walked up to him, gave him a stomp, and said "catch up." (ketchup.)
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't - you get down from a goose!
A man excitedly told the psychiatrist's receptionist, " I've got to see the doctor! It's an emergency, I'm invisible! ". The receptionist told the doctor what the man said. She came back and told the man, " The doctor said he can't see you."
A man went to see a psychiatrist. He told the doctor, "I'm having the worst dreams! One night I dreamed I was a teepee and the next night I dreamed I was a wigwam. Why?" The doctor said, "That's easy! You're two tents!"
A little boy asked his dad for a bike but his dad said no. He asked his mom and she also said no. He remembered seeing a statue of Mary on his parents' dresser and got an idea. He tiptoed into their bedroom and took the statue. He hid Mary under his bed and got on his knees to pray. " Dear God, if you ever want to see your mother again . . . . .
Apologies if this has already been posted but it's one of my faves.
"A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry but Polly has passed
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. She might just be in a coma or something."
The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador Retriever. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood up on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes, barked and shook his head.
The Vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a lovely tuxedo cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird, walking all the way around it. Then the cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry but like I said your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably . . . dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00," she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?"
The Vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20.00, but with the Lab Work and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"