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Can We Tell Jokes Here?
- Thread starter 1 bruce 1
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Decartes is drinking in a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants another drink. He says "I think not". *Poof* he disappears.
Decartes is drinking in a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants another drink. He says "I think not". *Poof* he disappears.
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Stolen from another board that I read often but haven't yet participated...
Guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there he sees clocks all over the wall. He asks St. Peter, "why are there clocks everywhere?" and St. Peter says "these clocks are lie clocks. Whenever you die, you get a clock that shows how often you lie. Mother Teresa's clock is set at 12:02 because she only told 2 lies. George Washington set at 12:03, etc. and bad people's clocks don't stop moving."
The guy walks down the line of clocks, and sees (insert the name of someone you personally don't like) name on the wall but it has no clock. He asks St. Peter, "Why doesn't (person you don't like) have a clock?" St. Peter says "Oh, that. It's in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there he sees clocks all over the wall. He asks St. Peter, "why are there clocks everywhere?" and St. Peter says "these clocks are lie clocks. Whenever you die, you get a clock that shows how often you lie. Mother Teresa's clock is set at 12:02 because she only told 2 lies. George Washington set at 12:03, etc. and bad people's clocks don't stop moving."
The guy walks down the line of clocks, and sees (insert the name of someone you personally don't like) name on the wall but it has no clock. He asks St. Peter, "Why doesn't (person you don't like) have a clock?" St. Peter says "Oh, that. It's in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
I'm guessing who the most common (person you don't like) is! 
(Warning: somewhat insensitive)
3 construction workers were sitting on a bridge they were building. The first guy says "ugh, ham sandwich again. If I get another ham sandwich I'm going to jump off this bridge!" The second guy says "ugh, grilled cheese again. If I get another grilled cheese I'm going to jump off this bridge!" The third guy, a blonde, says "ugh, peanut butter again. If I get another peanut butter sandwich I'm going to jump off this bridge!" The next day, sure enough, they all get those items in their lunches and jump off the bridge. At the funeral, the widows are commiserating. The first guy's wife says"I had no idea! If I knew he wanted something else I would have made it for him!" The second guy's wife says "I wish he had told me, I would have made him anything!" The blonde guy's wife said "I told him not to make himself another peanut butter sandwich!"
(Warning: somewhat insensitive)
3 construction workers were sitting on a bridge they were building. The first guy says "ugh, ham sandwich again. If I get another ham sandwich I'm going to jump off this bridge!" The second guy says "ugh, grilled cheese again. If I get another grilled cheese I'm going to jump off this bridge!" The third guy, a blonde, says "ugh, peanut butter again. If I get another peanut butter sandwich I'm going to jump off this bridge!" The next day, sure enough, they all get those items in their lunches and jump off the bridge. At the funeral, the widows are commiserating. The first guy's wife says"I had no idea! If I knew he wanted something else I would have made it for him!" The second guy's wife says "I wish he had told me, I would have made him anything!" The blonde guy's wife said "I told him not to make himself another peanut butter sandwich!"
Last edited:
Have you ever watched the movie "Constipated"?
No, it hasn't come out yet
No, it hasn't come out yet
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I'm guessing who the most common (person you don't like) is!
(Warning: somewhat insensitive)
3 construction workers were sitting on a bridge they were building. The first guy says "ugh, ham sandwich again. If I get another ham sandwich I'm going to jump off this bridge!" The second guy says "ugh, grilled cheese again. If I get another grilled cheese I'm going to jump off this bridge!" The third guy, a blonde, says "ugh, peanut butter again. If I get another peanut butter sandwich I'm going to jump off this bridge!" The next day, sure enough, they all get those items in their lunches and jump off the bridge. At the funeral, the widows are commiserating. The first guy's wife says"I had no idea! If I knew he wanted something else I would have made it for him!" The second guy's wife says "I wish he had told me, I would have made him anything!" The blonde guy's wife said "I told him not to make himself another peanut butter sandwich!"
Love it!!!
Really I don't have anyone in mind in particular for that clock thing. Except maybe myself when I step in a pile of cat puke at 5:00AM and cuss up a storm
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(Stolen joke here...
....ladies please reverse spouses/situation, and you'll laugh!)
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.
....ladies please reverse spouses/situation, and you'll laugh!)
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.
Haha, something else ran through my mind.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. He says "no; I'm traveling light".
Buh-dum-pssh
Buh-dum-pssh
There's a new band named 1023 MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
Whomp whomp
Whomp whomp
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
(OK, I think I'm done. Sorry!)
(OK, I think I'm done. Sorry!)
I'll re-tell one of my favourites.
A guy goes to the optician saying, "I have problems seeing things in the distance."
The optician takes him outside, points to the sky and asks, "What is that up there?"
"The Sun," replies the guy.
The optician responds, "That's 93 million miles away, how far do you want to see? Your eyesight is fine."
A guy goes to the optician saying, "I have problems seeing things in the distance."
The optician takes him outside, points to the sky and asks, "What is that up there?"
"The Sun," replies the guy.
The optician responds, "That's 93 million miles away, how far do you want to see? Your eyesight is fine."
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snow balls.
Snow balls.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
I'm here all night folks!
Because there are too many cheetahs.
I'm here all night folks!
Some cheesy history ones!
How was Rome cut half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Stalin tried to invade Scandinavia, but he couldn't Finnish.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Euripides!
Euripides who?
Euripides trousers so you have to pay for them!
Why didn't Socrates like the French fries?
Because they were made in Ancient Greece.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian tells him he'll only lose it.
A solider in the red army is sent to the Gulag for 31 years after running across the barracks shouting "The political commissar is an idiot!" - One year for insulting the commissar and 30 years for revealing a state secret.
(I'll finally see myself out now)
How was Rome cut half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Stalin tried to invade Scandinavia, but he couldn't Finnish.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Euripides!
Euripides who?
Euripides trousers so you have to pay for them!
Why didn't Socrates like the French fries?
Because they were made in Ancient Greece.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian tells him he'll only lose it.
A solider in the red army is sent to the Gulag for 31 years after running across the barracks shouting "The political commissar is an idiot!" - One year for insulting the commissar and 30 years for revealing a state secret.
(I'll finally see myself out now)
Someone goes into a library and asks the librarian if they have that book about Pavlov's dogs and Shrödinger's cat. The librarian says "it rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
All of you-all are fantastic 
