A few of you might remember D2

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yomamab

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Grief, resentment, and numbness are emotions, just as love and anger are. All emotions are created by experiences, not by the individuals decision to have them. Acting or not acting on them is a decision, honoring the emotions you feel is important. If someone tells you to get over an emotion, ignore them. It is the same as if they told you to get over having a hand or fingers.

More than anything I understand your grief is precious and honor to D2 and you don't want to share it with those who don't understand. That is all right too. It's not your burden to explain to others how you feel, only to feel and avoid things that make east step harder to take.

D2 doesn't care how they feel, he gave them a chance to know him and they didn't take it. You did. For that he will be with you forever, helping you always.
Grief, resentment, and numbness are emotions, just as love and anger are. All emotions are created by experiences, not by the individuals decision to have them. Acting or not acting on them is a decision, honoring the emotions you feel is important. If someone tells you to get over an emotion, ignore them. It is the same as if they told you to get over having a hand or fingers.

More than anything I understand your grief is precious and honor to D2 and you don't want to share it with those who don't understand. That is all right too. It's not your burden to explain to others how you feel, only to feel and avoid things that make east step harder to take.

D2 doesn't care how they feel, he gave them a chance to know him and they didn't take it. You did. For that he will be with you forever, helping you always.
Right now I'm grieving and resentful of the fact that I couldn't have control by bringing D2 into the house. I hate it so much that I never had the experience of welcoming D2 into our house and sitting down with him on my lap. He was so friendly and I think that he'd have done that, unlike the two cats that we have. I love our two inside cats too, but neither of them have ever wanted to be held from the time we got them as kittens. It would have been so nice to sit down and watch tv with D2 feeling at home in my lap and feeling his kneading. He'd purr and knead (I say 'make bread') every time I'd go outside to see him. He'd even be standing there eating and I could hear his rumble and see his feet doing the bread thing, even while I was watching him eat his food I'd give him. I loved standing there and watching him seem so appreciative that he didn't have to worry about where he was going to get his next meal. Of course, I couldn't read his mind and I had no idea if he could think that way, but that's how I interpreted his behaviors. He wasn't demanding like our inside cats can be so often; I really think that he was probably just happy that someone took pity on him. It was a pleasure, even in 30° weather to spend some time with him outside, as little as I feel that it was. I wish I didn't feel gypped out of more time, though, that I could have spent with him.

He will always be in my heart and I've decided that I will grieve for him as long as I want. I hate it when people try to make me feel like I should be doing things the way that they do it. I'm pretty much an emotional person and that's who I am. I don't consider it a fault of mine despite what others might think about my being the way I am. I don't like feeling inferior to someone who can hold it together in the situation that I'm in right now. I'm grief-stricken because of losing D2. I know it might sound heartless but I feel like I'm grieving more for this wonderful cat than I'll be capable of doing when my own mother passes. My positive or negative experiences with people and animals affect my emotions. If I didn't have what I'd call a happy childhood, then it will be difficult for me to feel much grief. The feelings that I've always had towards D2 were so pleasant that it would be impossible for me not to love him. I will cherish the time that he spent here.

Being able to come here and talk to people who are so understanding and compassionate has helped me a lot. It's making it easier for me to cope with this. I can come here and not feel ridiculed. I can be myself and not have to pretend that I'm happy because I'm not. I even had the comment made to me (I guess because I've been moping around because of missing D2), "I think that you don't even want to live anymore." Also, he says that he feels that we've lost a connection. Well, gee, I wonder why! If he can't figure that out, I'm not about to explain it because that would just end up with me feeling like I should be someone different than who I am. Thank goodness there are others on here who know just what I'm going through and don't mind taking the time to make me feel better and not feel like everything is my fault. I appreciate that so much.
 
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yomamab

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You have the right to express your grief in any way that you are comfortable and do not need to feel that there is a limit or reasonable time when it should end. As time goes on, you will carry D2 with you in different ways and may even start to see that you gave him a good life and care which he was all the better for having had. He may not have been allowed inside, and he may have been curious about the inside, but to a cat who is living a happy life outside it is different from a human who would not have indoor shelter. D2 might not even have wanted an entirely indoor life; his previous experiences probably made him happy to have freedom which he might have wanted to have enjoyed regardless of your offer of an indoor life permanently.

I do understand that the fact that he was not allowed in is as painful for you, or as close to painful, as his passing. This was not your doing, as sad as it is, and your relationship with D2 is blameless in that respect. It is very hard to accomplish this, but try to release yourself, over time, from this feeling as you had no control over that part of his life.
You know, you're absolutely right! I don't know why that never occurred to me about his desire to be an entirely inside cat. If I had been "allowed" to bring him in the house, it doesn't mean that he would have wanted to stay in here all the time for the rest of his life. Come to think of it, when I was looking for a cat to adopt after our one died (who I really loved immensely), Milo was coincidentally the same colors as D2. I don't intentionally go looking for orange and white cats. Milo was one of the two cats that our son asked if he could bring them along when he moved back in with us for awhile after living on his own. He was orange and white and so was his brother Garfield, but Garfield was long-haired. D2 and Milo were short-haired. Anyway, I somehow met this lady who was feeding a lot of cats at her place and was wanting to look for homes for some of them. I went to her place and decided to bring one of her cats home. After I had him here for a few days, I thought wow, I can't stand this anymore. He meowed incessantly to go outside. The lady hadn't divulged that information that he was an outside cat! I really don't want to have any cat of mine outside for the exact reason that you can guess. We live along a well-traveled road and I would keep all cats inside so that they could hopefully have a long life and so that I wouldn't have to go through what I'm dealing with right now. Anyway, this cat was driving me up the wall with its meowing. I figured out what he was meowing about and said, "Nope, I'm not letting you out, and you're going right back where you came from." The lady hadn't volunteered the fact that the cat spent mostly all of its time outdoors; I guess I should have asked, huh! So she ended up with this cat back because I refused to give in to him and let him outside. To keep my sanity, I returned the cat to the owner because I seriously couldn't tolerate the meowing anymore.

So, to make a short story long, I don't know if D2 would have ended up doing the same thing as that cat. He might have come in for a short time and wanted right back out, or maybe he would have stayed in for a longer time and wanted back outside. I just have no way of knowing what he would have done since I didn't get the chance to bring him inside. I'm pretty sure that he would have liked to come into the house (I would see him showing interest when I sneaked him in on the back porch), BUT I have no clue if he'd have been happy being an inside cat only. I don't know why I never thought of that until you mentioned it. I'm so glad that you pointed that out to me because that has helped me in trying to get rid of these guilt feelings that I've been having.

You're right about my feelings about not being able to bring D2 into our house. It was very painful seeing him sit outside and look at our inside cats on the back porch. It was up there close to the feelings I've been having for the past week over losing my dear kitty. He'd even know when I was in the laundry room and he'd jump up on something I had propped against the house. He'd sit on the piece of wood (it's actually a butterfly cage that I made and have to repair) looking in at me and I just couldn't take it. I would have to finish up quick what I was doing and go back into the living room where he couldn't see me and I couldn't see him. dI guess I'm just going to have to accept the fact that I think differently than my husband and daughter. I think that they can both detach themselves from situations whereas I can't.

Now, at the risk of sounding nuts, I must say that in walking by D2's cat tree outside I've stopped and bent over at the sling part he used to love to lie in and smelled it. I don't know if that's normal or not, but just for a brief time I can kind of pretend that D2 is still with me because what he used to sleep in smells just like him. Even though it makes me sad when I walk past his cat tree and so I'm pretty sure they would say to get rid of it then, I can't bear the thought of just tossing it out. It's really not in great shape, but he seemed happy with it as far as I could tell. I really wish that I had taken his picture more than just that one time (four pics of basically the same pose). He looked so cute no matter where he was or what he did.

You've helped me so much in my attempt to sort through my feelings. I'm so tired and headachey lately and hope it soon goes away, but I guess if that's the price to pay for loving D2, I will just tolerate it. I'm not going to forget about D2 ever. I'll always consider him MY cat even if they chose not to be a friend/keeper to him when he was here readily offering his friendship to them. I suppose that my taking flowers to his grave also makes me _________________(I can't think of how they'd describe how I'm acting), but oh well, I'm doing it anyway. D2 deserves the respect that I'm able to give him. I just wish that he could be respected by them too. *sigh*
 

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If they aren't selfish, if they are compassionate, if they have ever loved an animal or a person, they will describe the way you are acting as a woman who walks with grief and love.
 

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Nothing you are doing is absurd or out of the ordinary for someone who is grieving a lost animal. I keep mementos of all my departed pets and your attachment to the cat tree is just like that. People keep all sorts of things which remind them of their pets and it can be a huge source of comfort. One of my friend's has what she calls "Luna's Box" which has collars and the like from a cat who died years ago at a young age from just plain bad health.

As for whom I miss more, animals or people, it has always been a toss up and I am not ashamed of that at all. To me, it is logical that our pets may be closer to us than some people, even relatives, and we might grieve more for them. My same friend I mentioned went for grief counseling after losing Luna. It is so common that many of the veterinary medical schools like Cornell offer it free of charge by phone or online. The days of "it was only an animal" are really over in many ways.

My same friend has a cat now named Hootie. He was a little kitten she rescued, so you would think that he could have easily been made into an indoor only pet. Well, 9 years later, he insists on going out and gets completely rambunctious about it, more and more raucous the longer that she refuses to let him out, so she does let him have his freedom. Things have happened to him. He was stuck in a construction site for a week, all the while my friend begging the construction workers to check for him, came home skinny and sick one night. He has come home with moderate injuries from time to time, last week being the last time. His indoor life is ideal....large house, lots of toys, only one other cat who has nothing to do with him, plenty of food, etc. But he refuses to stay inside.

D2 is and was your cat. Putting flowers on his grave is a lovely gesture and no one should be making comments about your actions or your mental state.

Gateway Pet Cemetery – Family owned and operated since 1959

This is a well known pet cemetary/cremation site in the greater Los Angeles area. I have used them for all my pets. If you glance through their site, if you feel like it only not if it would be more upsetting, you will see how others feel about their departed pets and how they honor them. Your burial site for D2 is so appropriate for him and allows you to honor him in any way you feel is best.
 
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yomamab

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If they aren't selfish, if they are compassionate, if they have ever loved an animal or a person, they will describe the way you are acting as a woman who walks with grief and love.
Yeah, that's how I'd think that they should feel. I totally quit talking to them about the subject because it upsets me that they take his death so lightly, like he wasn't an important part in anyone's life. Now as I think about the incident, I find it kind of ironic that the person who I'd bet never touched D2 physically ended up being the one to pick him up after that vehicle murdered him.
 
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yomamab

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Nothing you are doing is absurd or out of the ordinary for someone who is grieving a lost animal. I keep mementos of all my departed pets and your attachment to the cat tree is just like that. People keep all sorts of things which remind them of their pets and it can be a huge source of comfort. One of my friend's has what she calls "Luna's Box" which has collars and the like from a cat who died years ago at a young age from just plain bad health.

As for whom I miss more, animals or people, it has always been a toss up and I am not ashamed of that at all. To me, it is logical that our pets may be closer to us than some people, even relatives, and we might grieve more for them. My same friend I mentioned went for grief counseling after losing Luna. It is so common that many of the veterinary medical schools like Cornell offer it free of charge by phone or online. The days of "it was only an animal" are really over in many ways.

My same friend has a cat now named Hootie. He was a little kitten she rescued, so you would think that he could have easily been made into an indoor only pet. Well, 9 years later, he insists on going out and gets completely rambunctious about it, more and more raucous the longer that she refuses to let him out, so she does let him have his freedom. Things have happened to him. He was stuck in a construction site for a week, all the while my friend begging the construction workers to check for him, came home skinny and sick one night. He has come home with moderate injuries from time to time, last week being the last time. His indoor life is ideal....large house, lots of toys, only one other cat who has nothing to do with him, plenty of food, etc. But he refuses to stay inside.

D2 is and was your cat. Putting flowers on his grave is a lovely gesture and no one should be making comments about your actions or your mental state.

Gateway Pet Cemetery – Family owned and operated since 1959

This is a well known pet cemetary/cremation site in the greater Los Angeles area. I have used them for all my pets. If you glance through their site, if you feel like it only not if it would be more upsetting, you will see how others feel about their departed pets and how they honor them. Your burial site for D2 is so appropriate for him and allows you to honor him in any way you feel is best.
Considering what you said, I will keep D2's cat tree, but eventually it will deteriorate beyond saving, but I will keep it as long as it lasts and think about him whenever I see it. Yeah, like I need a cat tree to remind me of him, huh? I will remember him no matter what, but if I'd get rid of it now, I'd somehow feel like I'm brushing him out of my life. I just can't stop thinking about him, and I just think he got a bum deal getting killed and so young yet at that. I still wish that I hadn't left the house that day, but I guess if he was in the habit of crossing the road (but I never saw him do that), I suppose it would have happened another time then. I still feel sick thinking that I'll never see him again and I still cry pretty often over his death.

Sometimes I just get the impression that I get more attached to pets than other people do, but it looks like I'm not the only one in my feelings for pets over people. It's like you said. They live with us and I get a lot of pleasure being with our pets. I love our inside cats, but I think I got just as close to D2, maybe even more so because he had to live outside. I guess I just assume that inside cats have better lives, but maybe D2 didn't even think about that. Like I was told here, I suppose he was happy being outside. It's just that he looked like he was wanting to come into the house, which I guess isn't the same as wanting to be an inside cat permanently.

It sounds like your friend was quite attached (and rightly so) to her Luna. I wasn't even aware of veterinary schools providing grief counseling for people who've lost their pets, which is nice that they do that. I hope her cat Hootie is with her for a long time. It sounds like he's already has had a lot of good luck because he's alive yet. I'll bet she was worried sick about him when he was missing for a week! It sounds like he's like the cat I brought home and his meowing really got to me. Otherwise, I'd have kept him. I'm glad I took him back for my nerves' sake and for his wanting to live an outside life. Who knows, if I'd have been able to bring D2 in the house, maybe he'd have done the same thing. I will never know.

Thank you for letting me know about Gateway Pet Cemetery. I will at some point check it out. As you can probably guess, it's so painful right now yet and I don't know if I could bear reading about others' grief about their pets. Sometime, though, I will feel less grief-stricken and ready to read how other people love their pets too.

I will continue to put flowers on D2's grave, and maybe he's somewhere in another dimension watching me and knowing how much he meant and still means to me. You and others have been such a help to me in dealing with this and I'm so appreciative because I really don't have anyone else to talk to who would understand.
 

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This is one of my outdoor ferals, Spock. Funny ears. He will let me touch his head and even allows Advantage to be put on his neck as he is eating but otherwise is quite feral. He will sit and let me talk to him and seems to have lots of time to listen. He comes to the back sliding glass door and will sit and look in very carefully. At first I was sure he wanted to come in which in this case concerned me as I have an indoor male who might not take to him and I know that Spock is territorial and alpha in his outside world, if cats are alphas.
But I figured out that he really does not want in that much. I think that D2 might have been more interested but as we discussed, it is unclear if he would have been 24/7 inside.

Veterinary schools like Cornell University have pet loss hotlines manned by veterinary students. A friend of mine called them when she lost her yellow lab after a valiant attempt with a specialist to save him and said they were understanding and helpful.

You may find that you don't need to keep the cat tree for that long. As you said, D2 is with your forever and whether or not you own something of his is not the important thing really. I never asked, but he is the cat in your avatar? I assumed that he is.

Please don't worry about checking the website. I only wanted you to see that people grieve very openly for their pets in a lot of ways and you have the right to do the same thing. I think that you are probably right to leave this alone with the family. Probably nothing will be gained and you need to be allowed to process your own feelings without being corrected for them which will invariably happen if you start a conversation. It is not just your family either. How many people, well meaning, say to someone who just lost a pet something like "well at least it was only a dog" or "at least it was not a family member."
Spock.jpg
 
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yomamab

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Oh, Spock is such a handsome fellow! I'm surprised that you could get such a good picture of him if he's feral, but I suppose it took you awhile for him to be willing to have a Kodak moment. He looks so relaxed in the picture and doesn't have a scared look on his face. That's really something that he lets you put Advantage on him and touch his head. One of my son's cats, Milo that he brought here when he moved back in with us 13 years ago was so friendly, as was his brother, Garfield, who also came to live with us. One thing that Milo didn't like, though, was when our son would get one of those Advantage tubes ready to put it on the back of his neck. Our son had to do it on the sly or Milo would take off like a rocket and go to another room. Both Garfield and Milo lived here until they died. They were born in the same litter and all of us were upset when they died, Milo at age 11 of colon cancer and Garfield at age 13 because of his thyroid. Actually, Garfield is my Avatar, but I can see why you thought that was D2. I think I had started an account here when Garfield was having his health problems.

Anyway, I think that's great that Spock lets you put the drops on him. How long have you been taking care of Spock? I can certainly see why you call him Spock. I think his ears are really cute! He has a very distinctive look. I don't know how old he is, but I hope that he lives a long time.

I think maybe D2's death hit me especially hard because he depended on me for food and water; when I wasn't here when it happened, I felt that I had let him down. I'm the only person who loved him and of all times for that awful thing to happen I wasn't here for him. I'm trying to keep in mind what I was told here though. I can't blame myself. It will take me quite awhile not to ruminate about how it all happened, that I drove downtown for the first time in about a year and then that happened. Talk about rotten timing. I am glad, though, that I didn't see or hear it happen. I'm glad that my daughter picked him up after the car hit him; I'm not sure what I'd have done. I guess probably the same thing because I'd have hated the thought of other cars running over him, but I've never liked looking at any of our cats after they died.

I can see why you assumed that D2 is my avatar since I mentioned that he was orange and white. Garfield and Milo, who I just mentioned in this reply, were both orange and white too except Garfield had long hair. D2 and Milo had short hair. If I weren't so technologically impaired, I'd post a picture of D2. My husband and I just bought smart phones not too long ago and I'd rather have my old phone back that had actual buttons instead of pressing on the screen. I touch way too many things on that phone that I don't want to touch and so end up doing so many things that upset me because I feel like I should have been born before all these gadgets were around. Frankly, I don't remember how I even got Garfield's picture on here for my avatar, but that was before we had these stupid smart phones.

I don't really have pictures of D2 that are real great. They were taken by his cat tree where I also put out his food and water for him. I could have taken such nice pictures of him and made videos of him, but I didn't. I regret it now and wish I had done that. I guess I sort of thought in the back of my mind that I had all the time in the world to do that...I didn't.

Yes, you're right and I think it's best that I don't bring up the subject of D2 to my family. I already feel bad enough without having them put him down and put me down for caring about him as much as I do. I'll never get them to feel about him the way I do and it's just hopeless trying to get them to change their minds about him.

I had a doctor's appointment today and I started talking about D2 and saying what happened to him and before I knew it I was crying about him. I felt better afterwards because the physician assistant who I see sympathized with me. You and others on here have helped me tremendously too. I don't feel so alone now and know that other people feel pretty much the same as I do when it comes to losing a pet.

I used to get a magazine called Cat Fancy (later it was changed to Catster) and if I remember correctly, there was a cat breed called Scottish Fold. I wonder if your Spock could be one of those?
 

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I don't think that Spock has any interesting or high class lineage, just funny ears. Although supposedly the gene for Siamese and snowshoe cats has migrated strongly enough into the larger gene pool that people are finding cats who are strays but look like Siamese. Someone here just posted a pic of a litter where one of the cats look Siamese.

Spock is an odd guy. He has been around for about 3 years and I wonder what his life was like before he found me and regualr food and shelter. He is on about life number 20. He is/was an old street fighter when he started to come around and became the friend to my fixed outdoor female Merle who is completely wild, but the sister of my avatar who moved into the house as a pet. Spock has appeared from time to time with a sore paw, even fight wounds on his head and I have panicked and tried to make plans for trapping him. He won't go into a trap so I have tried to get him with towels, etc but his tolerance of me goes as far as touching his head and putting Advantage on him.Once he let me get a Q tip and put antibiotic cream on him but if I try to lift a paw or touch his back, he turns into another cat and one I know could hurt me if he wanted to. I do worry that if he is ever ill or really hurt I won't find him. I suspect that he is reaching old enough age to have some health problems that I cannot treat, like possible diabetes or kidney disease. My indoor Jamie though, is like your other cat and he gets hysterical if I put Advantage on him and acts like it is transdermal cyanide. Just today I had to use it...had to get us both into a closed bathroom and struggle with him. When I was done he hid for about 3 hours.

I am glad that you talked to a sympathetic medical professional today. That must have helped a little bit. I do agree that you had a caregiver bond with D2 since you were his only support and that is another part of the loss. We always think that caregiving is hard but often it really fills up a part of our life and when it is gone it is almost like withdrawl.

Your avatar cat is really pretty. I have had a smart phone for quite a while as I had to for work in order to have the best possible communication with those I worked with, but my husband just got a smart phone about 3 months ago. He was very tied to his flip phone and really fought it until the last flip phone was almost impossible to use. You will find that in the long run, it is easier to use and better in an emergency.

I had an all white cat named Milo the Millennium Cat as I found him January 1, 2000.

I think that you are really connecting the fact that the one time you leave the house something terrible happens, as if you had never left it would not have happened. We all think like that...the one time that I did this, or did not do this, or talked to him, or did not call and that connects two things that probably are not connected. D2 probably could have crossed the street with you at home as much as with you not home.

This is Spock's friend Merle. You can see in her eyes that she does not like me despite the fact that she has been dependent on me since her birth. She still hisses and spits when I put her food down.
Merle.jpg
 
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yomamab

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Whatever his lineage, I really like Spock's ears. I just thought of Scottish Fold cats when I saw him. It almost looks like he and Merle could be brother and sister, but I don't suppose they are or you'd have mentioned it. That's funny how Siamese and Snowshoe traits are showing up in the general population or whatever you want to call it. Some people refer to non-fancy lineage cats as alley cats, but it kind of makes them sound undesirable. I think they're just as nice as the cats that people put a price tag on. We've never had pure-breds, and we've always loved our cats, some more than others. Everyone's favorite was our cat Mittens who died in 2010 of kidney disease. I always said to my daughter that I doubted if she'd ever find a cat like Mittens again, which has come true, although our cat Sam is similar to Mittens and he's even the same color (tabby and white). Sam has long hair though. Mittens used to sleep under the covers with her at night and he was probably our most photographed cat. We all really miss him a lot.

Her/our cat, Katrina looked very similar to your avatar cat, pretty. Come to think of it, though, it's hard to call any cat “ugly” but some are just prettier than others. Katrina only lived to be age 9. She had something called pyothorax, which I had never heard of before. Losing her also got to my daughter. I didn't want to make it sound like she doesn't like cats; she just didn't like D2 and wouldn't have a thing to do with him except when she fed him a couple of times when he first showed up here. I thought to myself about her,” Why did you ever start feeding him if you had no intentions of continuing?” I just kind of think it's mean to start feeding a cat and it starts to look at you as its food source and maybe kind of becomes dependent on you. I feel like that would get the cat's its hopes up for nothing if the feeding is discontinued. I felt like I had to pick up where she left off. I thought that she liked him because she took pity on him at first, but then it seemed to happen somewhere along the line that she almost developed a hatred towards him. I felt so bad for him. I didn't see him hang around any other cats. If anything, I guess he had at least one enemy because he'd come home battered up sometimes, poor guy. I'm almost certain that he wouldn't have been the one to start a fight. He would always “bow down” to our cat, Sam. When D2 first started coming around, Sam and Dean would see him outside while they were on our back porch and they'd growl at him. Sam would even try to chase him off when D2 was outside when they were out on their daily walk, but it got to the point that our inside cats just didn't care anymore if D2 was here. They weren't pals though. I think that maybe Dean (the one who resembles D2) got annoyed when D2 would follow him around all over the place. I felt bad for D2 that he seemed to want a feline friend but neither of our cats wanted to be bothered with him

Yes, it sounds like your Jamie is just like Milo was here. I often wondered what in the world would make a cat so afraid of getting a tube of Advantage put on him. I see that you can certainly relate to a cat who gets hysterical about that.

I'm glad that Spock and Merle hang out together; they each have at least one feline friend that they can rely on. I pitied D2 because he didn't have any friend to hang out with, and I think that he would have liked that. Actually, I was thinking about feline friendships when I was looking online at the pet adoption websites about five years ago. We only had Katrina at the time right before we adopted Sam and Dean. I had my doubts that she would be friendly with a kitten, so I was looking online for siblings when I was searching on the pet adoption websites. I saw this kitten that resembled Milo, who had just died of cancer. I happen to like ginger cats (well, I like all cats really) and I also like male cats over female cats for some reason, so when I did a search on this one website, up popped Sam & Dean. I thought both were so cute and they were siblings, so I was pretty sure that those were the ones that we should adopt. We went to the lady's house who was fostering them to meet them and confirmed that we wanted them. She brought Sam and Dean to our house and here we are 5-6 years later and they are best pals. Our daughter took to Sam right away because of his “gorgeous” looks (the vet assistants rant and rave over his looks), but Dean grew on her too. They often sleep in her room. I think it's kind of funny that Dean is the one who waits in bed for her at night without fail. Sam is the wild child and more unpredictable. He's the cat who is tiger/tabby and white, the same colors as Mittens, the cat who was the favorite cat of all four of us (our son is on his own now). I was told by the foster mom that Sam was real popular because she got emails from people in other states wanting to adopt him. I can believe that. I guess he's not what you'd call a purebred, but he is really pretty. If I can ever figure out how to get pictures on here from my phone (it might be awhile), I could post pictures of the cats I've been talking about.

I hope that if Spock does ever need medical attention that you will be able to find him and get him to a veterinarian. I'd be concerned like you are about that. I wonder if maybe he wouldn't be so trap-shy in that case. I guess a cat would know when it's sick; maybe he would show up that you would see him, and maybe also he would be willing to let you transport him to the vet clinic. Honestly, I would worry about that too. I have a tendency to run down scenerios in my constantly-thinking head. You know, “What would I do if this would happen”...”What would I do in that case”. My husband says I worry too much, but I don't like being unprepared for things, and I sure wasn't prepared for D2's demise. It knocked the wind out of my sails. Well, hopefully things will all work out if Spock (or any other of your cats) needs medical help. I can certainly understand your concern.

Garfield, my avatar cat, was very pretty, so I agree with you. :) Ironically, there is another cat named Garfield who is always at a pet supply store that we visit every now and then (it's about an hour's drive from here, so we only go there a few times a year). That Garfield looks so much like our Garfield did. Our Garfield was 13 when he passed; the pet-store Garfield is now 21 years old. I don't know if he can sense that we're cat lovers or what but he lets both Amber (daughter) and I pick him up and hold him. The one guy who works there looked shocked when he saw us holding Garfield and he said to us that Garfield almost never lets anyone who comes into the store hold him. Huh! He makes me think of our Garfield every time I see him.

I think that's neat that you found your Milo the Millennium cat on the first day of the new century. I suppose that he passed away? We've never had a white cat, but I think that they're pretty. Was he deaf by any chance? Just curious. Oh, and I hope you don't mind my asking but do all of these cats that you've mentioned show up in your yard or do you acquire them some other way? We've had stray cats show up in our yard over the years that I've helped in one way or another. I'm afraid to go through that again considering what I've just had to deal with. As a matter of fact, Amber told my husband that a stray cat was outside in our yard just last night. I'm sorry I have to be this way, but I don't want to have anything to do with it, and I hope that it finds someone who will care for it. I just can't let my heart get ripped out again because I can't have control of things like I'd prefer to have. I live with other people with whom I don't always see eye to eye. That's just the way it is and I'm going to avoid having arguments again pertaining to the care of stray cats. Although my husband and I do get along, when it comes to that subject, I think I'm the "odd man out", that they will side against me.

On a different note, like your husband, I liked my flip phone a LOT more than I do this new gadget, the “smart” phone. If my flip phone wouldn't have finally died after years of use, I'd have continued using it. Coincidentally, my phone and my husband's phone died around the same time. So when we were at the Verizon store needing new phones, the sales person was telling us more or less that if we'd want to buy an older type phone it wouldn't be able to really function in a short time because of the towers, upgrading, gigs, yadda yadda. Long story short, we ended up with phones that are less than desirable. :/

You said, “. We always think that caregiving is hard but often it really fills up a part of our life and when it is gone it is almost like withdrawl.” You couldn't have said it better. I think that's what losing D2 feels like. I was really hoping that over time D2 could come into the house after my husband and daughter would see that they were all getting along, but they were vehemently opposed to the idea of bringing him inside to be an indoor cat. I'm almost certain that he'd have been the sweetest cat living in the house, but I guess none of it was meant to be. I get too attached to pets and losing D2 really got to me. I don't know when I'll get over this hurt, but it won't be anytime soon. Yes, I think too that it was good that I talked (although briefly) to my physician's assistant about losing D2. I didn't think I'd break down crying to her, but I did. Talking to my husband on June 17 about what had happened to D2 was such terrible news to be told over the phone; I couldn't hold back the tears when I was in the store and then again this week at the doctor's office. Thinking about D2 makes me cry. It just seems unfair that he didn't get to live a very long life. He was such an innocent soul. Others here kept saying that he was dumb, so I would guess that his being on the road reinforced that belief of theirs. I was happy that winter turned into spring here in PA and that I'd be able to spend more time with D2 because I would be able to stay outside longer because I wouldn't be freezing, It just about killed me seeing him outside this past winter dealing with the cold and the deep snows that we got. I'm sure that he couldn't get out from wherever he was holed up because he'd be gone for a few days after a snowfall, and I could tell that he hadn't been eating; he looked thinner.

I probably would have said more in reply to your comments, but my reply has already gotten tremendously long, so I will just shut up now or your eyes will be bleeding from all of the reading of my long posts. Every time I type a reply, tears are running down my face. I am ever so grateful that I can express my grief to someone who understands. Thank you so much. Like I said, if I can ever determine how to get pics from my phone and put them on here, I'll show you the cats who have been so near and dear to my heart. I'm assuming that it's okay to post pics of our cats even if we aren't having a feline-related problem at the time?
 
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fionasmom

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You are free to post pics on the site. There are instructions someplace but I can't always find them. I work from a big desktop computer when I am on here and just upload pics from my computer as attachments where it says Attach Files at the end of the posts.

Leonardo Da Vinci said that the smallest feline is a work of art and I think that is true. None of them are ugly and all are beautiful in their own way.

All of my cats have been strays or ferals. In fact, all of my dogs have been rescues although several of them were German shepherds. There was a feral colony at my workplace that I helped to maintain with the approval of the administration. I took three cats home from there and another person took two. It was a committment as we had to feed them daily, and the people who lived next door fortunately were willing to do that on the weekends if we bought the food for them. Sadly, it was not in a great area and there were dogs who roamed the streets at night, not feral dogs, but just uncontrolled pets and one night they came and killed several cats. We knew that we had to get the remaining cats out of there which we did and closed the feeding station down. There was an dog who came to eat with the cats as well...a smaller cavalier spaniel type female who had just had puppies. The people across the street had allowed her to have the puppies on their property but as they got older they adopted them out, kept one, and then turned her out. I got to work on morning and the old grandfather was actually throwing buckets of water on her as she tried to enter their yard for food. Hence, her showing up at the feeding station. I knew that she was cat friendly, which she was, so I took her home as well once I cleared it with the family as she was technically their dog.

Aside from that, I have had two litters born on my property. Everyone was fixed but only one boy cat Billy was friendly, so he lived here with us. The others were wild ferals and lived outside by necessity. The second litter was technically born under my next door neighbor's house and my avatar and her sister who is identical are now inside with me and Merle is outside, still hissing as I run out to give her the nice breakfast every morning. The odd thing is that the two calico sisters are very affectionate even though their mother and father were really wild. Both parents and another calico sister were killed by coyotes which is sadly the fate of almost all ferals around here. I hope that Spock and Merle are bonded closely enough with my property so that they know to come here or stay here if there is danger.

Given the breeding around here, which is under control right now, it is possible that all of these cats are interrelated. Spock could be the brother of the father of the calicos and Merle which would make him her uncle and my indoor Jamie who had to have had a calico or tortie mother could be the cousin of the calico girls.

Milo died of intestinal lymphoma at the age of 13 but he had a long good safe life here. He was not deaf nor was my other white male cat from years ago.

Right now there is a very aggressive cat who comes for food, or to try to get food. He is also black and white and could be a relative but he has caused some pretty serious fights with Spock and I have run out in the middle of the night to break it up. He is now bullying a cat who lives at nearby apartments that I feed and would like to domesticate and get out of there, although no one minds her. He shows up for food, hisses and spits at me from under a car, and scares the female away. I try to sneak out with food later in the day for her and I do think that she gets enough to eat. I have to admit that I don't like this cat and he scares me a little bit but as you say, I feel sorry for any animal who is hungry.

It will take a while to heal from the loss of D2. He had become a part of your life and losing him so quickly was hard. Maybe if he had even weakened from a disease and passed on it might have been easier to accept even though his loss would have been hard.
 

momof3b1g

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Right now I'm grieving and resentful of the fact that I couldn't have control by bringing D2 into the house. I hate it so much that I never had the experience of welcoming D2 into our house and sitting down with him on my lap. He was so friendly and I think that he'd have done that, unlike the two cats that we have. I love our two inside cats too, but neither of them have ever wanted to be held from the time we got them as kittens. It would have been so nice to sit down and watch tv with D2 feeling at home in my lap and feeling his kneading. He'd purr and knead (I say 'make bread') every time I'd go outside to see him. He'd even be standing there eating and I could hear his rumble and see his feet doing the bread thing, even while I was watching him eat his food I'd give him. I loved standing there and watching him seem so appreciative that he didn't have to worry about where he was going to get his next meal. Of course, I couldn't read his mind and I had no idea if he could think that way, but that's how I interpreted his behaviors. He wasn't demanding like our inside cats can be so often; I really think that he was probably just happy that someone took pity on him. It was a pleasure, even in 30° weather to spend some time with him outside, as little as I feel that it was. I wish I didn't feel gypped out of more time, though, that I could have spent with him.

He will always be in my heart and I've decided that I will grieve for him as long as I want. I hate it when people try to make me feel like I should be doing things the way that they do it. I'm pretty much an emotional person and that's who I am. I don't consider it a fault of mine despite what others might think about my being the way I am. I don't like feeling inferior to someone who can hold it together in the situation that I'm in right now. I'm grief-stricken because of losing D2. I know it might sound heartless but I feel like I'm grieving more for this wonderful cat than I'll be capable of doing when my own mother passes. My positive or negative experiences with people and animals affect my emotions. If I didn't have what I'd call a happy childhood, then it will be difficult for me to feel much grief. The feelings that I've always had towards D2 were so pleasant that it would be impossible for me not to love him. I will cherish the time that he spent here.

Being able to come here and talk to people who are so understanding and compassionate has helped me a lot. It's making it easier for me to cope with this. I can come here and not feel ridiculed. I can be myself and not have to pretend that I'm happy because I'm not. I even had the comment made to me (I guess because I've been moping around because of missing D2), "I think that you don't even want to live anymore." Also, he says that he feels that we've lost a connection. Well, gee, I wonder why! If he can't figure that out, I'm not about to explain it because that would just end up with me feeling like I should be someone different than who I am. Thank goodness there are others on here who know just what I'm going through and don't mind taking the time to make me feel better and not feel like everything is my fault. I appreciate that so much.
I know I said it before. But you and I are and felt the same way about the cat we cared for and lost way to early and out of our control. My family doesn't understand. I stopped messaging my brother as I'm sure he thinks I'm over reacting. I lay up every night just hating I didn't protect him. How sad he must have felt being injured. How long was he laying alive in the road. I never got to hold him. I have a picture of him on my phone. Its so hard to look at it. He wanted in and like D2 I think he would have made a wonderful house cat. Maybe he was a hellion. Maybe thats why he was dropped off. He loved running ahead of me in the yard. We have 4 acres and I just wish I could have tight him to stay in the yard away from the road. Or if I had taken him at night. Would he stayed close during the day. We only had to get through Monday and Tuesday and he would be home free at the shelter. The little girl got adopted in less then a week. He was so sweet. Im sick this happened. I dont know how I'm supposed to be ok and go about my days. I even feel guilty enjoying my day, when he can no longer do that. I see my cats playing and sleeping on the couch and feel guilt that he will not be able to do that and feel love from hunans.
 
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yomamab

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You are free to post pics on the site. There are instructions someplace but I can't always find them. I work from a big desktop computer when I am on here and just upload pics from my computer as attachments where it says Attach Files at the end of the posts.

Leonardo Da Vinci said that the smallest feline is a work of art and I think that is true. None of them are ugly and all are beautiful in their own way.

All of my cats have been strays or ferals. In fact, all of my dogs have been rescues although several of them were German shepherds. There was a feral colony at my workplace that I helped to maintain with the approval of the administration. I took three cats home from there and another person took two. It was a committment as we had to feed them daily, and the people who lived next door fortunately were willing to do that on the weekends if we bought the food for them. Sadly, it was not in a great area and there were dogs who roamed the streets at night, not feral dogs, but just uncontrolled pets and one night they came and killed several cats. We knew that we had to get the remaining cats out of there which we did and closed the feeding station down. There was an dog who came to eat with the cats as well...a smaller cavalier spaniel type female who had just had puppies. The people across the street had allowed her to have the puppies on their property but as they got older they adopted them out, kept one, and then turned her out. I got to work on morning and the old grandfather was actually throwing buckets of water on her as she tried to enter their yard for food. Hence, her showing up at the feeding station. I knew that she was cat friendly, which she was, so I took her home as well once I cleared it with the family as she was technically their dog.

Aside from that, I have had two litters born on my property. Everyone was fixed but only one boy cat Billy was friendly, so he lived here with us. The others were wild ferals and lived outside by necessity. The second litter was technically born under my next door neighbor's house and my avatar and her sister who is identical are now inside with me and Merle is outside, still hissing as I run out to give her the nice breakfast every morning. The odd thing is that the two calico sisters are very affectionate even though their mother and father were really wild. Both parents and another calico sister were killed by coyotes which is sadly the fate of almost all ferals around here. I hope that Spock and Merle are bonded closely enough with my property so that they know to come here or stay here if there is danger.

Given the breeding around here, which is under control right now, it is possible that all of these cats are interrelated. Spock could be the brother of the father of the calicos and Merle which would make him her uncle and my indoor Jamie who had to have had a calico or tortie mother could be the cousin of the calico girls.

Milo died of intestinal lymphoma at the age of 13 but he had a long good safe life here. He was not deaf nor was my other white male cat from years ago.

Right now there is a very aggressive cat who comes for food, or to try to get food. He is also black and white and could be a relative but he has caused some pretty serious fights with Spock and I have run out in the middle of the night to break it up. He is now bullying a cat who lives at nearby apartments that I feed and would like to domesticate and get out of there, although no one minds her. He shows up for food, hisses and spits at me from under a car, and scares the female away. I try to sneak out with food later in the day for her and I do think that she gets enough to eat. I have to admit that I don't like this cat and he scares me a little bit but as you say, I feel sorry for any animal who is hungry.

It will take a while to heal from the loss of D2. He had become a part of your life and losing him so quickly was hard. Maybe if he had even weakened from a disease and passed on it might have been easier to accept even though his loss would have been hard.
Okay, I hope that I can figure out how to get the pics on here. I guess I should say that I know how to post pics on this cat site, but I don't know how to get them from my phone to the computer or (if there is a way) how to get them from my phone to this website. I think I might have said it before but I'm technologically deficient or whatever the term would be for not be for not being up on all of this stuff having to do with smart phones and computers. For years now I've felt like I should have lived a century ago.

Wow, it sounds like you've certainly did more than your share of animal rescuing. That's a shame that those dogs killed some of the cats that you had been feeding near your work site. I think that's irresponsible letting their dogs run loose like that. I think that was nice that you could get some people to agree to feeding the cats on the weekends when you weren't there at work. I really shouldn't put into words how I feel about those people that abandoned their dog who ended up eating at your cat feeding station. Also, that grandfather who threw water on the dog is despicable! How can anyone be so heartless!!! There are people in the world who I really wouldn't want to know because I'm sure some of them would be capable of doing things that I don't even think of. I like to watch animal videos on youtube and there is one that I ran across that I wish that I could Unsee. When it comes to the subject of animals, I get pretty choked up.

It sounds like it might be a real family affair at your place with all of your cats. ;) Goodness, if everyone would take in animals like you do, I don't think that the animal shelters wouldn't be overflowing like they are. I believe that you're a very dedicated person and surely the world would be a better place if people would give a little more and do what they can for animals.

That Merle sounds like something else. You'd think that she'd come to know you as her caregiver and that you're not there to harm her. Someday you will just have to say to her, “Look, Missy, what's with all the hissing? Don't you know that I'm your friend?!” Heh, I guess she might not understand you, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try. :)

I'm very sorry that you lost some of your kitties to coyotes. That must be awful not knowing if the cats will be safe outside or not. I hope you didn't have to witness the cats being killed by the coyotes, but I'm not sure how else you'd know about it. This wasn't coyote country during my lifetime up until maybe 10 years ago (guessing) when they were re-introduced here. I hear them at night and wasn't even sure what it was at first. It sounded to me like someone playing a flute and the person was trying to find the right note. I can recognize it as a coyote call now when I hear it, but I've never seen one. The ones I've heard are off in the distance, but I wouldn't be too surprised if any would ever show up here. I don't have cat food outside at all anymore since I don't have D2, so the coyotes wouldn't be attracted to our yard by the smell of that. Anyway, I'd be like you and also hope that Spock and Merle would stay close to your property and know to be there if the coyotes would ever be a threat.

It sounds like both your white Milo and our ginger/white Milo died of the same thing. Milo used to sleep with me after our son moved out and he couldn't take Milo and Garfield with him because of the landlord's “no pets” rule. Although I loved both of those cats, I couldn't help wondering if they wondered what happened to their owner (son). Up until the time that he moved out, both of his cats slept downstairs with him when our living room became partly his bedroom. At the risk of sounding like a looney tune, I swear that I think that Garfield came back to visit me after he died (thyroid) because soon after his passing, I'd feel what I thought was a cat on my bed, but it couldn't have been either of our two that we have now because I had my bedroom door shut. You know how a person is half sleeping and half awake...well, that's how I was or maybe the movement on the bed got me out of a deep sleep and I ended up feeling this “cat” on the bed making bread. I didn't really think much about it at first, but after it happened a few times, I thought, “Hmmm....?”

That's good that your two white cats weren't deaf. I don't even know how often that happens if a cat is white, what the percentage of white cats being deaf is. I'll look that up sometime out of curiosity.

That's too bad that you have a cat there that is so aggressive and is trying to keep that other cat from eating. You're doing exactly what I would do, go out later and feed the nice cat sneakily so that the bully won't know that you're feeding the other one. I can certainly understand your being half afraid of it. If it's extremely aggressive, I'd want to be keeping an eye on it too. Just be careful when it's around. I hope it doesn't try to hurt you.

What you said is exactly what I feel like with losing D2. It was zip zap and he was gone. It happened so fast and I was unprepared. I was going about my daily life and trying to get back on track after being under the weather since last year. I'm not kidding when I say it was literally the first time that I had driven in the past year. I was downtown in the hardware store pretty much wandering around in kind of a daze because I had forgotten my list of things that I wanted to get, and so I was just dilly dallying around having no direction, you could say, and after probably half an hour of wandering aimlessly around in the store I got the text from my husband to call him. When I did, it didn't take long for me to start crying there in the one aisle. I just couldn't believe that I lost D2 in the time since I left the house. I don't know why they'd make something like that up, but I was even half wishing that my husband and daughter were playing some cruel kind of joke on me. Nope. D2 is gone forever and he lived a very short life. After that long, cold winter he won't get to enjoy the nice snow-free summer and fall. I'll never get to scratch his belly for him again. :( Yes, I have a tendency to think that if he'd have been sick, it would have been easier for me to accept. I have to think, though, that at least he didn't have to suffer through a long drawn-out illness. It's still so hard though.
 
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yomamab

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I know I said it before. But you and I are and felt the same way about the cat we cared for and lost way to early and out of our control. My family doesn't understand. I stopped messaging my brother as I'm sure he thinks I'm over reacting. I lay up every night just hating I didn't protect him. How sad he must have felt being injured. How long was he laying alive in the road. I never got to hold him. I have a picture of him on my phone. Its so hard to look at it. He wanted in and like D2 I think he would have made a wonderful house cat. Maybe he was a hellion. Maybe thats why he was dropped off. He loved running ahead of me in the yard. We have 4 acres and I just wish I could have tight him to stay in the yard away from the road. Or if I had taken him at night. Would he stayed close during the day. We only had to get through Monday and Tuesday and he would be home free at the shelter. The little girl got adopted in less then a week. He was so sweet. Im sick this happened. I dont know how I'm supposed to be ok and go about my days. I even feel guilty enjoying my day, when he can no longer do that. I see my cats playing and sleeping on the couch and feel guilt that he will not be able to do that and feel love from hunans.
I certainly know what it's like not having your family backing you up. My family wasn't attached to D2 like I was. He was here since last year when he started hanging around our property but at a distance. Once he took a chance on trusting us and started accepting food and our (well, MY) petting, it would have been hard for me not getting attached to him. To me, it's normal and natural to get attached to an animal that a person is caring for. I got attached to D2 and have felt bad for not being able to convince my family to let D2 become a house cat. I've been playing this guilt trip over and over in my head that I didn't do enough, I should have tried harder, etc. etc., and it sounds like you're going through pretty much the same thing. I've decided that I will grieve for D2 in private. It's hard but I've forced myself to just think about him and grieve for him in private, in my room or when I'm outside and my family isn't around. It makes me feel better taking flowers to his grave. At least they've had the decency and common sense to not make any comments to me about that ritual I have going.

I guess that you're doing pretty much the same thing that I'm doing with your not messaging your brother. I figure if people can't understand my actions, then I'll just keep them from them and think about D2 when they're not around. I feel bad enough without having people make light of how I'm acting and how I feel. Coming here has really helped me to understand that I'm not the one who's off in the head. They are. I think it takes some nerve for someone to insinuate how I should be feeling. Everyone is different. You and I can block people out when we want to. It's our choice to recognize them or not. If you want to ignore your brother, that's entirely your right to do so, and if I hide my feelings from my family, I'm so much better off for it. Ordinarily it's hard for me to hide my feelings, and I am an emotional person. In this case, though, I have to keep my feelings hidden from them because I can't tolerate some comments and ridicule of D2 like how they think he was dumb, not pretty, yadda yadda. I'm sick of it. Fine, they can just be that way, but I don't agree with it. Even if D2 had only one friend in the world, at least he had that, which is better than none at all. I did what I could, and you did what you could. It's hard for a person to do everything she wants to do if she lives with other people and has to compromise (although I also can't help thinking, "Where's the compromise?"). They got their own way by not letting D2 into the house. I feel like I was boxed into a corner with two people taking sides against me and they're the ones who got their own way, resulting in D2's death. I still don't understand why they were so vehement in thinking that if we brought D2 into the house that it would cause problems for "the boys", our inside cats Sam and Dean. We've had multiple cats in the house before with no problems for the most part.

I really think I know what you're going through because I've been through this mental anguish and feelings of why this and why that and if only I had done this or that. I think in time we'll get over this extreme sadness. We just have to know that it will get better. It's not wrong of us to grieve our losses. I'm just glad that I've been able to come here and talk about because I do feel a lot better than I did. It will just take some time for us to not feel so bad about what has happened to the kitties. It's very hard right now, but it's not as hard as it was two weeks ago, and I suppose that two weeks from now will be even better yet.
 

momof3b1g

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I certainly know what it's like not having your family backing you up. My family wasn't attached to D2 like I was. He was here since last year when he started hanging around our property but at a distance. Once he took a chance on trusting us and started accepting food and our (well, MY) petting, it would have been hard for me not getting attached to him. To me, it's normal and natural to get attached to an animal that a person is caring for. I got attached to D2 and have felt bad for not being able to convince my family to let D2 become a house cat. I've been playing this guilt trip over and over in my head that I didn't do enough, I should have tried harder, etc. etc., and it sounds like you're going through pretty much the same thing. I've decided that I will grieve for D2 in private. It's hard but I've forced myself to just think about him and grieve for him in private, in my room or when I'm outside and my family isn't around. It makes me feel better taking flowers to his grave. At least they've had the decency and common sense to not make any comments to me about that ritual I have going.

I guess that you're doing pretty much the same thing that I'm doing with your not messaging your brother. I figure if people can't understand my actions, then I'll just keep them from them and think about D2 when they're not around. I feel bad enough without having people make light of how I'm acting and how I feel. Coming here has really helped me to understand that I'm not the one who's off in the head. They are. I think it takes some nerve for someone to insinuate how I should be feeling. Everyone is different. You and I can block people out when we want to. It's our choice to recognize them or not. If you want to ignore your brother, that's entirely your right to do so, and if I hide my feelings from my family, I'm so much better off for it. Ordinarily it's hard for me to hide my feelings, and I am an emotional person. In this case, though, I have to keep my feelings hidden from them because I can't tolerate some comments and ridicule of D2 like how they think he was dumb, not pretty, yadda yadda. I'm sick of it. Fine, they can just be that way, but I don't agree with it. Even if D2 had only one friend in the world, at least he had that, which is better than none at all. I did what I could, and you did what you could. It's hard for a person to do everything she wants to do if she lives with other people and has to compromise (although I also can't help thinking, "Where's the compromise?"). They got their own way by not letting D2 into the house. I feel like I was boxed into a corner with two people taking sides against me and they're the ones who got their own way, resulting in D2's death. I still don't understand why they were so vehement in thinking that if we brought D2 into the house that it would cause problems for "the boys", our inside cats Sam and Dean. We've had multiple cats in the house before with no problems for the most part.

I really think I know what you're going through because I've been through this mental anguish and feelings of why this and why that and if only I had done this or that. I think in time we'll get over this extreme sadness. We just have to know that it will get better. It's not wrong of us to grieve our losses. I'm just glad that I've been able to come here and talk about because I do feel a lot better than I did. It will just take some time for us to not feel so bad about what has happened to the kitties. It's very hard right now, but it's not as hard as it was two weeks ago, and I suppose that two weeks from now will be even better yet.
Yes as weeks go by im hoping the pain and guilt will lessen. Its hard that it happened at home. Seeing where their sleeping boxes were. Going to the mailbox is even hard. I have one picture of him. I keep seeing his face, like why can't I come in. I beat myself up and feel like a failure. Why would I bring the little cat in and not realize he would go looking for her. Causing him distress. Maybe thats not what happened. But it feels like I was to one in the wrong. If I had taken her out in the carrier. Would he had come back.. I'm trying to get dh to make a catio. So this doesn't happen again. But he's not moving fast enough. 😕
Other then time I dont know how to let go of the guilt and be "ok" with his death.
 

Loving Mickey

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yomamab yomamab Just checking in to see how you are doing. I think of you often and hope that you have realized that you are not alone in your grief. We all care and hate the thought of you so sad. D2's passing was not your fault. We all know that, but it may take you some time to know it. You loved and still do that precious sweet cat.
He loved you in return and has taken your love with him where he is now resting in total peace.
I can not explain why your family didn't love him as you did. You said you once had him in your outside back porch. Could he have stayed there? It was outside but still safe. Would your family not even allow that?
You mentioned that your family thought he was ugly. Certainly no cat is ugly.
All cats are beautiful in my eyes, but especially orange ones. I have a soft spot in my heart for orange kitties. My cat Mittens was an orange and white kitty, and was beautiful! He passed over a year ago, and I miss him more than I could ever express.
Orange kitties are also very sweet and gentle as was my Mittens, and I am sure D2 was as well.
As for posting pictures, I know everyone posts them differently. I hate computers, even laptops. I have laptops but use them only when necessary.
I take pictures with my cellphone. When I want to attach a picture here, I press attach files, go to my documents, then gallery, choose the picture I wish to post and click on it. It works for me, and I know nothing about technology. I can post a picture of my Mittens, if you like, so you can see that orange kitties are not ugly.
My Mittens was beautiful and so was your D2 !
Take Care and please let me know how you are doing. I do care!
 

Loving Mickey

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Oh, I just seen in one of your earlier posts that you once had a cat named Mittens, who passed from kidney disease. My Mittens also passed from kidney disease in 2020. May they be playing together and watching over us with smiles.
I love the name Mittens, such a sweet name for sweet kitties!
 

fionasmom

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I have to be very careful about animal videos, even the ones that have a happy ending. If there is any cruelty or misfortune that the animal experiences I just go to pieces. I was not even okay with movies like Homeward Bound where all the animals make it back to their family or Air Bud where the dog gets a good home. Basically, I avoid animal stories entirely and the funny thing is that if you like animals people are always giving them to you.

Merle swatted at me this morning and actually scratched my hand slightly as I put down her two bowls of nice dry and wet food. Spock was there with her and I patted his head, which is all that he allows, but she does not seem to make the connection that I am okay.

Mostly around here, with coyotes, an animal goes missing and it is assumed that is what happened if they are never found, especially in the case of a cat. With small dogs, there is always the chance of theft but that is a different story. On a couple of occasions I have been called by a neighbor who has found a dead cat and it is always clear if it was a coyote which is really enough of a description. The coyotes here are very thin and sick and have come down into urban areas as the drought gets worse. It is upsetting to see them even though they are dangerous as they are just trying to make a living as well. The ones in your area might be in much better condition if there are enough small animals to use as a food source.

Who knows if your departed cat visited you? Lots of people would say yes it is a possibility. Years ago I had an animal communicator come to the house to talk to one of my GSDs who was ill. I was really on the fence as to whether I believed in psychic communication or not but the clinic where I took him was very Los Angeles and had all sorts of alternative therapies and practitioners. She was surprisingly good and did seem to know information that she could not have ever figured out from just sitting in my living room with the dog. As she talked to my dog, she was interrupted a few times with messages from my departed dogs. In one case she was absolutely incorrect as the time frame she mentioned made no sense, but in a couple others what she said definitely could have been true.

The bully cat was back today, along with another one who only comes about once every two weeks but looks the picture of health. I sneaked back to give more food to the apartment cat later but left the original dish away from the bully as he was hissing too much and I am sort of afraid of him. Since I can't vouch for much about him, I would have to go to the doctor if he bit me and I have already been there once this year with a cat bite (only gave me a tetanus shot) and don't want to go back again.

This is not a good pic, and is not cats! The small dog on the left is the one that I rescued from the grandfather. The GSD on the right I found tied to a tree in the Angeles National Forest, abandoned and thin as a rail. Ignore my dusty stairs.
mikkiandragnar.jpg
 
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yomamab

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Yes as weeks go by im hoping the pain and guilt will lessen. Its hard that it happened at home. Seeing where their sleeping boxes were. Going to the mailbox is even hard. I have one picture of him. I keep seeing his face, like why can't I come in. I beat myself up and feel like a failure. Why would I bring the little cat in and not realize he would go looking for her. Causing him distress. Maybe thats not what happened. But it feels like I was to one in the wrong. If I had taken her out in the carrier. Would he had come back.. I'm trying to get dh to make a catio. So this doesn't happen again. But he's not moving fast enough. 😕
Other then time I dont know how to let go of the guilt and be "ok" with his death.
I'm sure in time the pain will get less. Good luck getting your husband to make that catio. You're lucky if he has the skills to do that. I think even if mine would know how to do that, he wouldn't do it anyway. I think that if other people in the world would would be as caring as you and others on this site, the world would be a much better place.
 
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yomamab

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yomamab yomamab Just checking in to see how you are doing. I think of you often and hope that you have realized that you are not alone in your grief. We all care and hate the thought of you so sad. D2's passing was not your fault. We all know that, but it may take you some time to know it. You loved and still do that precious sweet cat.
He loved you in return and has taken your love with him where he is now resting in total peace.
I can not explain why your family didn't love him as you did. You said you once had him in your outside back porch. Could he have stayed there? It was outside but still safe. Would your family not even allow that?
You mentioned that your family thought he was ugly. Certainly no cat is ugly.
All cats are beautiful in my eyes, but especially orange ones. I have a soft spot in my heart for orange kitties. My cat Mittens was an orange and white kitty, and was beautiful! He passed over a year ago, and I miss him more than I could ever express.
Orange kitties are also very sweet and gentle as was my Mittens, and I am sure D2 was as well.
As for posting pictures, I know everyone posts them differently. I hate computers, even laptops. I have laptops but use them only when necessary.
I take pictures with my cellphone. When I want to attach a picture here, I press attach files, go to my documents, then gallery, choose the picture I wish to post and click on it. It works for me, and I know nothing about technology. I can post a picture of my Mittens, if you like, so you can see that orange kitties are not ugly.
My Mittens was beautiful and so was your D2 !
Take Care and please let me know how you are doing. I do care!
It means a lot to have you and others on here caring about me and D2. I miss him so much and still cut flowers from one of my gardens to put on his grave and talk to him when I'm there.

It wouldn't have worked out to keep him on the back porch. I know that my family would have had a fit if I'd have mentioned doing that. We have a cat door on the door that goes from our back porch inside to the laundry room and so D2 would have come into the house, which would have resulted in him getting totally kicked out and I don't mean by me. He'd have loved it inside, I just know it. I wish I could get the picture out of my head of him sitting outside looking in at the other two cats when they'd be out on the back porch.

I agree with you...no cat is ugly. I don't know why they thought that about D2. He wasn't totally a ginger cat but part ginger. When we had our cat (son's cat actually) Milo to the veterinarian when he got sick (intestinal cancer), the veterinarian said that ginger cats were her favorite. I had become close to Milo too, especially when our son moved out and couldn't have pets in his rental place. Milo slept with me at night and would even lie on top of me even when I laid on my side. He loved to eat and weighed 18 pounds (I remember he was exactly twice the weight of our one cat, Katrina. He about knocked the wind out of me when he'd jump up on me to go to sleep for the night. His death also hit me hard and I broke down crying when the vet told me that he had intestinal cancer. There was no hope. I let our son know so that he could come down (he lives 1-1/2 hours away from us) and be with Milo when he took his last breath at the veterinarian's office a few days later. I, of course, got attached to all of the cats that we've had over the years, but I got especially attached to some more than others. Milo was a sweetheart, and I think that D2 was too.

So you had a Mittens too! :) Our Mittens was everyone's favorite cat. He was so smart. I wondered how he'd manage to get outside sometimes and one time I saw for myself how he did it. I was standing at our back door that leads from the kitchen to the screened back porch that I've referred to and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Mittens' escape routine. He would go back a ways from the one porch door so he could get a running start and at the last second before he ran into the door he got up on his hind feet and pushed the door open! That door is wooden, and the other door going outside from the porch is metal. Neither of them really latched the way a door is supposed to and I guess he found that out. He would also push on the metal door and when it would go back into place it made a banging noise and I think that he learned that we'd come to the kitchen door to look out and see what was causing the banging. He must have learned that we did that and so whenever he'd want to come into the house (that was before we put a pet door in the door going from the porch to the laundry room), he'd make the metal door bang. Our son saw him do that one time and he said that Mittens went straight from that door to our kitchen door expecting to be let in the house. There were so many good, sweet qualities about Mittens that I could almost write a book about him. :) I think of him often and cry about him. He lived to be the oldest of all of our cats and would have turned 15 if he'd have lived another two months. Our daughter absolutely adored him and they spent a lot of time together. Both of us fell apart when he died. I'm sorry that you also lost your Mittens. Maybe your Mittens and our Mittens are in kitty heaven playing together.

I appreciate your telling me how you put pictures on here, but I think I am really dense (i.e. stupid ha) when it comes to things like that. I just don't know how to do it. I don't understand how to get the pictures from the gallery in my “smart” phone onto the computer. I think I know how to get them from the computer onto this website, but it's the getting them from phone to computer that I don't understand. I really wish that I knew how to do that and then I'd post some pictures of D2 (although I only have a few...I wish so much that I had taken more, but I guess I thought I had plenty of time to get him to pose) and some of our other kitties if I'd be able to find them in my exorbitant amount of pictures (I'm also told that I take too many pictures of cats :/ ).

Sure, I would love to see a picture of your Mittens. :) I can imagine how much you must miss him. It hurts a lot to lose a loved cat. I've gone through it before and it's been 11 years since we lost Mittens and it still hurts. I really don't think that it will ever go away and maybe it shouldn't. I do know that it's awfully painful. Thank you for caring so much.
 
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