I put my cat to sleep yesterday - asking for opinion

[di and bob]

hspot , don't hold guilt over that. You were close, you did hold her in your arms, she had you firmly in her heart. you were, and always will be, with her........

 

[I'm John]

It's been some time already and I took the office chair my boy has been sleeping on. The dread is somewhat present inside me, as I sometimes smell the shot that the vet gave to my boy. There is no smell anywhere here, it's just my memory making it real. The smell of my boy was always very sweet. I loved sniffing him. It tickled him and I would not overdo it, so I used to do it only to show him that I am thinking about him. It was surprising to me that the shot smelled so horribly chemical and my dream of smelling him once before he goes over the bridge became unachievable, as the shot overpowered everything around him. I'm not particularly sad about it now, because it's just my own suffering, and I can at least say that it's me suffering now, not him, even though the moments with the vet were not comfortable for him.

As I said in the beginning, I finally took the chair my boy has been sleeping on. It was this morning that I had a dream of him sitting on a chair different from the office chair he used to sleep on and somewhat repositioning his back legs. I took it as a message that I should start sitting on the office chair he liked so much, as this office chair feels truly the most comfortable for my back, and when my back does not feel comfortable, my legs start to hurt. So my boy showed me in my dream that I can take that chair so my back legs don't hurt, and that he is sleeping on a different chair now.

Thank you, my boy. I love you.

 

[di and bob]

What a sweet message!

 

[fionasmom]

He is looking out for you!

 

[FeralHearts]

I'm so glad that you had such a beautiful dream. He's letting you know he's still around you. I think that become guardian angels to us and those around us. As fionasmom said... he's looking out for you. XO

 

[I'm John]

di and bob fionasmom F FeralHearts

Thank you very much, I really appreciate it.

I'd like to say that I am feeling a bit less burdened by these recent events. There are moments of joy for which I am grateful. There are moments where I suffer very consciously. The thing is that the process that is happening within me is that I am going through memories with my beloved boy. I even thought that I would perhaps write them down in case I forget. This process also involves the bad memories, where I was for example angry or afraid where he peed over something. Looking back, it was only my mistake, because I did not change the litter frequently enough, or I simply misunderstood the situation and thought that slapping him and unleashing my anger on him would help. I now see that the feelings I have, the suffering I am feeling, is the consequence of that illusion I believed, which is that physically slapping my boy would somewhat change his behavior, that it is necessary. A factor that intensified my anger was that the relationship with my mother was not very great, and I was prone to getting angry. Sometimes I would pull him by the tail when he tried to run away, at times I would slap him on the face. Looking back, I think I was a very frustrated person, and these moments I would just loose my self control. I am very sorry, my love. You helped me overcome these feelings and through your pain I could become a better person. Thank you for your patience and love. Thanks to you, I was able to grow.

Every time I think about what I've sometimes done to my boy out of rage, I feel ashamed, but I find safe harbor in the memory of him during the last year we've lived together. I used to lie down on the floor to straighten my back, and he would become alert as he thought that something bad is happening. He would come to me with a surprised and caring face and I knew back then that he did not hate me for what I've done in the past. He would always lie on me and start purring to get me back on my feet. He just wanted me to feel better. He loved me and cared for me, even though I caused him pain in the past. This memory gives me hope that he really felt the love I've always had for him and that he trusted me despite my mistakes. Or when I used to close the window, so that he's not afraid of the dogs that were barking outside. I know I caused him pain, but I also protected him from the dangers of the outside world. Or once a neighbor's cat came and I opened the door to our flat and let them introduce. The neighbor's cat was a bigger cat and he would hiss at my boy, so I gently pushed the neighbor's cat away and closed the door, protecting him. So, I am sorry my boy. I really tried to protect you from all danger, but one danger I could not protect you at some point was my own illusions and the lack of my self control. I am thankful that you mended me and helped me become a better person. Always loving you, always protecting you.

 

[fionasmom]

Cats live in the present and he understood that you loved him and protected him. He had moved on from whatever the past was and he may even have had some understanding of the energy that might have caused your anger. When someone passes on, we always tend to focus on anything that was wrong and not what was good such as your cat lived to 20 years old, inside his whole life, was fed and cared for and lived a much better life than most of the cat on the planet probably do. Try to remember all the little things that you did every day for all those years which showed how much you loved him.

 

[I'm John]

fionasmom Thank you! You really made me feel better.

Just a quick update. All is going well. Sometimes I trip over a thought, but overall I am doing alright. I am trying not to be too hard on myself because I know that my cat would not like me to feel down. This morning I had a dream of him being here with me and showing me to get out of bed and start doing something. So, even though I was feeling down a little bit, I stood up and went.

Also, I am thinking about moving. I found a very nice flat that I would be happy to live in. The only thing that makes me sad and hesitant is that the flat I am living in currently is not my own flat, and there are many memories tied to this flat with my boy. If I move, I will probably never be able to walk into this flat again, because the owner would rent the flat to someone else, and I won't see the place where we used to sit next to each other ever again. It feels like a part of that memory would be gone. Maybe it is just my fear, but it makes me sad. I have some photos at least, and most importantly I have memories. Does anyone have experience with moving from a place and "loosing" the place where you lived together?

Cheers,
John

 

[di and bob]

Of course, one of my hardest moves was to leave my buried soulmate and others behind. But we made sure they would not be disturbed, we put a patio over them. You have to believe they will be coming with you, always a part of your soul, always together. Your memories will keep him alive and loving each other forever.
I cant imagine leaving a child behind either, but there are an awful lot of single little graves in the cemetary too. I always feel sad for the parents......

 

[fionasmom]

One of my favorite all time dogs passed away when I was living at my other house. All of my memories of him were tied to that place, but it was the right thing to do to move. Like you said, I took a lot of pictures for reminders, but I also believed that he was not tied to that house and that the essence of who he was and is would always be with me.

 

[I'm John]

di and bob Thank you for your response. I did not reply sooner because I had to think about what you wrote. I think we sometimes imagine loosing something precious because there is something precious to us that we love.

fionasmom Thank you as well for your response. I think about what you wrote sometimes. I will have to move eventually, so I will keep that in my mind.

My current situation is somewhat new to me. Everything is covered in snow here and it's Christmas time. I've been feeling grief again. On one hand there are many positive things that have happened:

- I managed to catch up on sleep somewhat (my boy used to wake me up at 4-5 in the morning a couple times a week, because he was hungry and he already had issues with eating, so the only food he'd eat would be fresh food, specifically the gel/sauce from cat food pockets). I was terribly tired and was depressed and anxious because of my sleep deprivation. This was also due to working really hard, which my boy helped me with, because he was with me at home and I was working from home office, so he would calm me down in stressful times, boosting my productivity, and he would cuddle with me and make me feel great!
- I managed to remain a vegetarian since my boy went over the rainbow bridge, only eating an occasional fish (once in two months).
- I somewhat got to rewire my brain a little bit and become a more self aware person.

On second hand, there is still a spider present in my inner sanctuary:

- I just can't think about my boy too much. I can not fantasize about him, I can not remember the nice memories I had with him. When I do, my fantasies start becoming violent and the scenes are beyond my control. I make myself not to think about him, because I start imagining things like kicking him, hurting him in different ways that make me ashamed of my own mind. This has started when my boy stopped being so active and started sleeping for most of the day. I just became angry for no reason. I let these imaginations evolve a few times and they always end in myself hitting the cat, but there is no body, so my hand always goes through him. I wrote it in my previous posts that I think that I am subconsciously angry that he left. It's difficult for me to describe these feelings. Maybe feelings of betrayal, abandonment, anger at whatever it is that made this world. I used to look at my boy and remind myself that he is just a cat that has gone old. And when I did, I felt so stupid, because I suddenly saw the reality, which is that it is not his fault, and never was his fault whatever "wrong" I or anyone else thought he did. In conclusion, I am hurt, and the hurt expresses itself as anger. How do I heal?

So, that's a short summary of what's been going on. I appreciate anyone who reads this.

With love,
John

 

[di and bob]

You heal with time.....one of the periods of grieving is anger, against the one you love and directed at yourself. There is always guilt too, not one of us is perfect. I remember yelling at my boy because he fell off the counter, he was that weak. It scared me so badly. I was SO mortified I did that, I'll remember it forever. I held him and cried, asked for his forgiveness...I, too, had to compartmentalize my sadness and grief at the beginning, it was just too overwhelming.
Christmas is a hard time for the newly grieving. it is supposed to be a time of joy and happiness, and all it brings is sadness and tears.
You might write in a journal all the things you remember about your boy. all the good things, all his quirks and what he gave you. It is something to reflect on, to treasure, later.....Time brings a dullness to our pain, but it also fades a lot of memories. Unfortunately, it doesn't completely fade the horror of that final day, but it gives us time to figure out how to handle it, how to find ways to manage it. horror, grief amd sadness always etch themselves deeper into our memories. it's too bad we can't find a way to make the happy memories as permanent.

 

[fionasmom]

I completely agree that Christmas is a terrible time of the year for anyone who has suffered a loss during the previous year. It is almost like you have to go through an entire year of "firsts" after the loss and then your outlook starts to change into something more like acceptance.

A journal is a good idea because it will make you write, in concrete form, happy memories and good times together. You will start to see that there were many times when things were better than what you are imagining now.

 

[I'm John]

di and bob I understand that you were shocked about what happened and being his mom, you wanted to educate him to be more careful not to fall from that counter again. You did that because he mattered to you and you watched over him. It means that he was important to you. While memories are probably "just" circuits of neurons in our brain connected, which may fade away, love is beyond physical, so memories can fade away, your love for your boy will exist forever. Also, I think that memories don't really fade away, but brain works on a contextual basis, so you might remember something at times you'd not expect it. Journal is a good advice, thanks!

fionasmom Thanks a lot. I am keeping myself busy.

Today was surprising. I had a dream about my first cat when he died, followed by seeing my second cat in that dream. My first cat was terribly afraid of going outside, afraid of New Year's fireworks, afraid of doctors. I wanted to take him to the vet so he gets a final shot, but that would mean having to drive him there forcefully. Also, he'd get a seizure if he panicked, which has happened before, and I'm sure he'd panic. I could not get another doctor to come to my house to give him the shot, so there was no other chance back then. Psychologically, he was quite calm, but physically he was very ill, as his kidneys were shutting down. I later realized that I could have paid some doctor to drive from the capital city which was about 50 miles away from my city, but given that my first cat was a lion and always wanted to have control of what's happening, I have some doubts if that would be good for him.

My second boy, which has gone over the rainbow bridge lately, was quite chill on the other hand, and not so much afraid. He was an adventurous boy. I still feel stupid that I did not consult the doctor that did the surgery on him when he had something in his paw. The doctor gave him a shot to sedate him, but my boy would not loose his consciousness fully, so he gave him some herb and the combination would work. If I was smarter and less afraid of communication, I would have called him to give that herb to me, and I would have consulted the vet that gave my boy the final shot, so that the vet would use the herb as well, and my boy would probably loose consciousness more easily. And I wouldn't perhaps had the feeling that he was semi conscious when she was putting in the cannula for the second shot.

So, today I dreamt about them both. My boy came second in my dreams as he went over the rainbow bridge later than my first boy. In that dream, he was lying on all fours on a platform we used to have in our apartment. It was about 2 meters above the floor and had a small ladder my boys would use to get up and down. My boy was looking in front of him, feeling peaceful. I was kind of conscious in that dream and I decided to look at him. He was so real. He then stood up and went to me. I remember the ladder suddenly was not there and he kind of fell and I saw a small cupboard. He was about to fall on the edge of it and hurt himself. I remember rushing towards him as he was mid air and he somewhat fell on all fours. I was caressing him but then I realized that the cat that I am caressing is a different cat! Some cat I've probably seen when I was walking outside. My dream ended.

 

[I'm John]

An update from my side.

I've had numerous dreams about my beloved black cat. The thing is that these dreams have always had some sort of deeper meaning and I believe it was my friend taking care of me.

I've had numerous supernatural experience in my life. With my boy, for example, was that I was playing computer games once and looking into the computer, focused on what's happening on the screen. Suddenly, inside my head, I see his eyes looking at me. It was as if I was dreaming while being awake, concentrated on something else. I turned around and my boy was standing there looking at me. He was hungry. It was this connection we had. A sixth sense.

After he went over the rainbow bridge, I've had dreams about him warning me that I need to change my pillow, as the one i was using was too firm and my neck was about to get hurt. There were other dreams a well. A recent dream I've had with him was before Christmas. We had a family dinner and I was warned again that it won't be pleasant for me this time, which is true. My dad got drunk the night before, arrived late and my mum got super stressed. My dad was angry and I was left outside with the gifts when coming to my sister's house. Had somebody saw me, I could have gotten attacked and robbed. I won't go through the details of the dream - I don't want to make this post a long one. But the point is that it happened as I was warned.

Today, I had another dream about my cat. He was lying in a place he liked. He sort of woke up, looked at me, and went back to sleep. he was smaller than usual in the other dreams I've had with him. He was a kitten in that dream.

I was thinking that his soul wants to go. I think we all sort of want to go to the peaceful realm after we exit our bodies. Sometimes we stay for reasons that I believe have not been researched yet. Could be love in some cases. Could be guilt (like a place there is in the Czech Republic where they used to imprison people during the II. World War, it's haunted). Could be something else.

Anyways, I feel like we are sort of approach this reverse cycle where my cat becomes a kitten in my dream and then I won't ever see it again in my dreams, only on my pictures. This is a reason why today I am freaking out, feeling anxious. I don't know what will happen without my cat. I just know that there won't be anyone that will comfort me. Maybe my mom, but my mom is not fully control of her emotions and consciousness, and she sometimes says bad things. It is my job to ground her to make he realize that some things she thinks, some of her opinions are not true, and they can be destructive.

But, an important family member, my beloved cat, is over the rainbow bridge and I have to learn how to take care of myself, so I don't approach a point where I need someone else to comfort me. Because that someone else is no longer physically here and I think the world has been made in such a way that after we exit our bodies, we should not be held in this world anymore and we should be able to enter the light, the peaceful realm, whatever you want to call it. Today I may have not took care about myself well enough, because I overslept and then had a coffee, which is a bad combination on my brain.

So, I expect 2024 to be a year of change. I will also make it a year of love.

Cheers everyone and take care of yourself! Love love love,
John

 

[di and bob]

I believe and understand everything you said. My Chrissy is no longer physically with me, but I still feel her love at times. Love is spiritual so eternal. She will always be a part of me…..

 

[fionasmom]

I agree that animals have some kind of connection with us and with those they love that we don't understand, but I don't think that it means that your cat is going to go away from you forever.

A few months ago, one my oldest cat died after having lived a very happy life here. She was bonded to a slightly younger ex-feral who is hugely shy and has never even come to me voluntarily...for the last 14 years. They lived, by choice, in one room of the house, usually right next to each other. When I brought the ashes home, I put them on a stand in another room. Suddenly, the remaining cat appeared in the room, sitting as close to the ashes as she could and she has not left the room for 5 months. I set up a nice bed for her and moved all her food, but she stays as close to the ashes as possible. Some connection is there even if I don't understand it.

Over Christmas, I house sat for a friend's cat. He is a happy, sociable cat who was in his own home and glad to have some company, fresh food, etc a couple times a day. When her plane left San Francisco to come home, he immediately started to run around the house like crazy, looking out the windows, checking all the doors and kept this up for about an hour which is the time that it takes, more or less, to fly back to LA. Nothing outside, no people, no animals, nothing going wrong in the house.

 

[I'm John]

di and bob Hello, I wish you well and thank you for your reply.

fionasmom That's really interesting. Thank you for your reply.

I just wanted to say that sometimes I have "flashback dreams", where I dream about things that happened 10-15 years ago. It's surprising because I sort of forgot about what couch we had back then, what other furniture there was etc.

For example today I had a dream I was hovering dust in the corner of my flat and then the electricity somewhat short-circuited and I hear an explosion and in the dream I think to myself: "We have to move, otherwise my cat could get hurt when running in this corner." And suddenly I am back to my parents' house where we had a grey couch and I see my boy running and jumping on the couch and jumping into the corner of the room. My cats used to love those couches we had. They would run and chase each other. We would sort of protect those couches but my boys would always scratch the corners of our couches and we always had to buy new ones after 5-6 years. It was fun.

 

[di and bob]

I'm glad you have these good memories, they are healing. Cats bring so much into our lives.....

 

[I'm John]

di and bob Yes. Today I had a dream about my cat sleeping with me in bed. He used to lie next to my arm and I would feel his cute snout on my palm. When I was waking up, I felt him there and I felt his snout.

I sometimes hear him meowing. It could be some sounds from outside that remind me of him, it could be coming from inside me. Either way, I am not particularly unhappy. Life is going good. But I guess I miss my boy. Why else would I have those deams?

di and bob fionasmom Wishing you all the best in the year 2024. Keep on keepin' :-)