I put my cat to sleep yesterday - asking for opinion

[I'm John]

I've had my cat since he was a kitten. I am not sure whether I got him when I was 10 or 11, but I was a little kid. He was either 19,5 or 20,5 years old at this point, I am 30.

My cat has lived his whole life inside a flat, never went out. We had to move 2,5 years ago from my mother's flat and he was quite shocked about it, but I stayed at our new home with him most of the time (I tried to never go out for more than 1 hour) and so he was calm. He would have been happier living at the place we were living before, but I could not live there as there relationship with my mom was not good and I felt like if I can't be happy, I can not make my cat happy. So decision was made and we moved.

I decided to put him to sleep yesterday. He stopped eating and he was only drinking milk. He became very skinny in a few days and I knew that his body could be approaching some sort of break down. His pupils were diluted. His stomach was painful - his hind paw was tilting to the side when he walked, probably not to push against his stomach, causing pain. His hearing was impaired, and sometimes so was his sight. I work from home and I had an office chair I used to sit on. He liked the chair so he took it. It was funny, because I had to sit there and I sometimes had to apologize to him lovingly that I am taking him from the chair to a different place he liked - my backpack - and when I went to the toilet he did not hesitate to jump back on the chair to take it again. Eventually, I bought a second office chair and we were sitting next to each other.

There were more loving situations like this. I basically cuddled him every day. I made sure he has everything he needs and wants. There were also situations which cause me pain when I remember them. Like when I used to have an anger problem, I would sometimes leash out on him. We came from a family where there were issues, I was running from home, and I was sometimes encouraged to hit my beloved cats so that they don't pee on blankets and other stuff. Being a stupid kid with no opinion, I sometimes did. As I grew up with my cat, I realized how stupid it was, hurting a loved one. I even found a way to make my boy not pee outside. I can say this: My cat's love has forever changed my view on life and healed me from bad habits that I've been thought to do. I am still terribly sorry. He was my best friend and my master, teaching me how to become a better person.

Interesting thing is that I believe cats can understand words. I was talking to my cat regularly about important things and he knew exactly what I was talking about. I apologized to him and through the connection we had, I knew he knew what I am talking about.

His life was full of purrs, good food, fresh water, cuddles and love, but he also had to endure a few bad moments, as we came from an environment full of conflicts between my parents and bad emotions.

I am devastated about how the session with the vet went. It was anything except what I expected. I imagined it to be a sting of a needle taking him to sleep and then a second one, putting his heart to stop. In reality, it went different:

He drank fresh cool milk and then went to the toilet, which I have changed a few hours before, so the toilet was clean. I watched his tail elevated as he went out from the litter box and I knew he was feeling good about it! I was relieved. Good moments before saying goodbye at a place he knows, not at the clinic, I thought. In a few minutes after that, my vet rings the bell and comes to my flat. She is talking to me about what is going to happen, saying she will give him a first shot of a sedative, then she will apply a cannula to his vein and it will be over.

In reality my boy got the first shot and when the sedative began to have effect on him, he panicked and jumped from his chair. He was searching for a place to hide for a moment, but he only had litter boxes in front of him and decided to stay outside. He was feeling like he was going to vomit, but he did not. He was afraid. I started calming him down and his nervous system sometimes shook. He gradually calmed down as he became more sedated and his head dropped and he lied his hind paws to the side, but his front paws were meant to remain stable, so he was half lying from the bottom down. I looked at him and felt like his right paw must be pressed wrong. I was afraid to touch him. I asked the vet if I can reposition him and she said yes, so I did. She then asked me to take him and put him on a blanket in the middle of the room. I did so and she said she needs to shave his paw so she can put in the cannula. At this point I think my boy was paralyzed, but his consciousness was not completely out. The vet was not able to connect the cannula to the vein, because the vein was too narrow, and I watched my cat taking a heavy breath as a response to the pain and the psychological stress. I ask my vet to give him another sedating shot as I thought he is still semi-conscious. She said she needs to connect the cannula first, so she takes out the machine and shaves the other paw and tries to connect the cannula again. My boy takes a deep tortured breath again when she's connecting it, and then another one when she's pushing water through it to make sure that the fluid being injected is going into his vein correctly. Then she quickly applies another dose of a sedative. Then the final dose and my boy's breath stops. She listens to his heart and says there are no signs of life. I thank her and she leaves.

I come to my boy and sing him a song. Then I put my ear on his heart and hear a heartbeat. Could my song brought him back to life? I call the vet and she drives back again to me to check the heart. She even let's me hear it through the stethoscope and explains that it's the air from the lungs.

I am devastated and forever changed by this. I've never ever wanted it this way. I believe it was a good decision to put him down, because his health was declining rapidly and he could have been in huge amount of pain and distress had I decided to wait another day, but I just can not cope with how painful and stressful his exit was for him.

I feel like a terribly stupid person, because 5 years ago I was with him at the vet and we had to sedate him because we needed to take an outgrowth from his paw. He would not be completely asleep from the first shot, so the vet took some herb and combined it with the shot of the sedative. I should have told my vet about this situation, but I would have never though that him being this old and weak could resist the shot of a sedative in a such a way not to become fully unconscious. Perhaps she would have given him a stronger shot.

I take my boy and put him into a box. Fluid comes from his mouth and drops on my shirt. I don't mind. I am broken. Please help me.

 

[di and bob]

I know you are broken, my heart goes out to you, I'll cry with you..........
I am an RN, and also have had cats in my life for over 50 years. I want to assure you, from your description of your little one's last days, if you wouldn't have stepped in to end his pain, he would have suffered. You couldn't do that......you said 'as he became more sedated', hand on to that. I can assure you if his head was dropping and he couldn't control his body in the rear, he was sedated enough to not understand what was going on. Some cats, just like humans can resist sedation more than others. That doesn't mean he wasn't sedated, he was fighting the effects of it. Humans fight too sometimes and don't remember any of it.
Don't dwell on his end. It does nothing but bring pain. Believe me, I've been through so many deaths and it does not get any easier. Some affect you more than others, some like your boy, are a soul mate and can shatter your heart into a million pieces. Time is the only thing that helps in matters like these, and sometimes it takes a LOT of time to begin to heal. Try to think of all the good times, not to remind you of your loss, but to bring comfort to your heart because there are so many more of them. A lifetime. I keep a quote in mind when I lose a beloved companion, "Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened". One day your grief will evolve into gratitude for having him in your life. But that is a long ways off. we are here at this forum to tell you you WILL survive, broken and in pain, but there is life after death with the help of friends and the strength of your love for that precious boy. There will ALWAYS be guilt in grieving. Because not one of us is perfect. No death is perfect either. We all have something we regret, especially in relationships. But love overcomes all.
Love is spiritual, so eternal. his new path will always parallel your own because the bonds of love that tie your two hearts together are the strongest that can ever be. For now just get through the next hour, the next day. Do not try to change the past, that can never be, and the future is not yet yours to see. so exist in the present, getting through each day, time will soften the sharp blade of grief, one day at a time..........RIP precious boy. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[I'm John]

I know you are broken, my heart goes out to you, I'll cry with you..........
I am an RN, and also have had cats in my life for over 50 years. I want to assure you, from your description of your little one's last days, if you wouldn't have stepped in to end his pain, he would have suffered. You couldn't do that......you said 'as he became more sedated', hand on to that. I can assure you if his head was dropping and he couldn't control his body in the rear, he was sedated enough to not understand what was going on. Some cats, just like humans can resist sedation more than others. That doesn't mean he wasn't sedated, he was fighting the effects of it. Humans fight too sometimes and don't remember any of it.
Don't dwell on his end. It does nothing but bring pain. Believe me, I've been through so many deaths and it does not get any easier. Some affect you more than others, some like your boy, are a soul mate and can shatter your heart into a million pieces. Time is the only thing that helps in matters like these, and sometimes it takes a LOT of time to begin to heal. Try to think of all the good times, not to remind you of your loss, but to bring comfort to your heart because there are so many more of them. A lifetime. I keep a quote in mind when I lose a beloved companion, "Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened". One day your grief will evolve into gratitude for having him in your life. But that is a long ways off. we are here at this forum to tell you you WILL survive, broken and in pain, but there is life after death with the help of friends and the strength of your love for that precious boy. There will ALWAYS be guilt in grieving. Because not one of us is perfect. No death is perfect either. We all have something we regret, especially in relationships. But love overcomes all.
Love is spiritual, so eternal. his new path will always parallel your own because the bonds of love that tie your two hearts together are the strongest that can ever be. For now just get through the next hour, the next day. Do not try to change the past, that can never be, and the future is not yet yours to see. so exist in the present, getting through each day, time will soften the sharp blade of grief, one day at a time..........RIP precious boy. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

Thank you. I feel relieved.

 

[fionasmom]

I am so sorry for your loss and everyone here understands how hard this is, even if it clearly was the right time to allow him to pass. He lived an exceptionally long life with you and that speaks volumes to the care that you gave him. He was suffering and you did the hardest and bravest thing that you could to in order to help him.

The use of sedation, in medical situations and in euthanasia, can have irregular side effects. Some cats, even those who are very ill, become overstimulated at the vet's office or in the presence of a home care vet. They may even seem to perk up, so to speak, but it does not mean that anything has changed with their overall condition.

I started calming him down and his nervous system sometimes shook. He gradually calmed down as he became more sedated and his head dropped and he lied his hind paws to the side,

It sounds to me as if he were actually sedated at this point and less aware than what you might imagine.

She even let's me hear it through the stethoscope and explains that it's the air from the lungs.

This absolutely happens at the time of euthanasia in many cases.

I can assure you if his head was dropping and he couldn't control his body in the rear, he was sedated enough to not understand what was going on. Some cats, just like humans can resist sedation more than others. That doesn't mean he wasn't sedated, he was fighting the effects of it. Humans fight too sometimes and don't remember any of it.

I completely agree that this is what happened.

This is all so raw now, but try to take some comfort in the long life that you shared together.

 

[I'm John]

I am so sorry for your loss and everyone here understands how hard this is, even if it clearly was the right time to allow him to pass. He lived an exceptionally long life with you and that speaks volumes to the care that you gave him. He was suffering and you did the hardest and bravest thing that you could to in order to help him.

The use of sedation, in medical situations and in euthanasia, can have irregular side effects. Some cats, even those who are very ill, become overstimulated at the vet's office or in the presence of a home care vet. They may even seem to perk up, so to speak, but it does not mean that anything has changed with their overall condition.


It sounds to me as if he were actually sedated at this point and less aware than what you might imagine.

This absolutely happens at the time of euthanasia in many cases.


I completely agree that this is what happened.

This is all so raw now, but try to take some comfort in the long life that you shared together.

Thank you.

I am very worried about the deep breaths he took when she was connecting the cannula. My father says those could have been reflexive reactions of the body, so he was not really conscious and feeling it. I am not an expert though and it keeps me very said, because I may have caused my boy some unwanted pain to go through.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentIe, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

I so agree that the deep breaths were a refIex, and not an indication of pain. Your boy fought sIeep, but succumbed, never knowing that his souI was sIipping free of his body. And you were there with him every moment, so he feIt safe, and secure as he passed through the Gate between This Adventure and his Next Great Adventure. Now, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, he blesses you, and he sends his love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[I'm John]

Rest you gentIe, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

I so agree that the deep breaths were a refIex, and not an indication of pain. Your boy fought sIeep, but succumbed, never knowing that his souI was sIipping free of his body. And you were there with him every moment, so he feIt safe, and secure as he passed through the Gate between This Adventure and his Next Great Adventure. Now, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, he blesses you, and he sends his love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

Thank you.

 

[di and bob]

Im positive they were reflexes or even the deep breaths taken while in the dying process. They can be irregular too, happening at irregular intervals. Cheyne-Stokes is what it is called and is a reflex where when the brain starts shutting down, it is a reflex of the brain. I have seen it many times with both humans and pets.

 

[I'm John]

Im positive they were reflexes or even the deep breaths taken while in the dying process. They can be irregular too, happening at irregular intervals. Cheyne-Stokes is what it is called and is a reflex where when the brain starts shutting down, it is a reflex of the brain. I have seen it many times with both humans and pets.

Thank you. I hope I was wrong and he was fully unconscious. But as you said, no ending is perfect and all I can do is pray for the peace of his soul.

 

[I'm John]

I am still feeling hurt and keeping my mind open to whatever thought comes to me.

Before my beloved friend passed away, I had a dream about him lying on the floor in front of a door, his blanket which he sleeps on being in front of him instead below him. The door opens and a women and two men come inside and argue.

I woke up in the morning after having this dream and found that my friend's blanket fell off his office chair where he liked to sleep. I completely dismissed the rest of the dream as I did not understand the meaning of it and thought to myself: "Well, the blanket indeed fell down." I put the blanket below my boy and go on with my day.

It has been three days and I received some information in my mind regarding the dream. Me and my boy used to live at my mother's house for 17 years. Living with my mother was terribly painful for me. She used to yell at me for not cleaning the house enough, when in fact I was the only one cleaning. She would put litter on the table, such as remains of apples and other rubbish. She would watch the TV a lot, and the sound would irritate me. My cat used to sleep by the TV or by the washing machine. He either got used to it or it was a result of him partially loosing his hearing. Perhaps he lost it even because of the sound, especially the washing machine would run quite loud at times. The flat was quite small as I was born as we did not have enough money to buy a larger flat or a house. My mom got very ill after some time and I believe it was also due to her being spiritually asleep and repeating all these hurtful deeds to us, and to herself. My sister always used to say that my mom should be on meds, which my mom was at some point in her life, but she stopped the treatment because she felt too dizzy and absent in her own mind. I felt like I can not take it anymore, as my mother would be breaking down every year and doing something unexpected, like crashing a car, accidentally cutting herself while being careless, throwing out money by accident etc. I was also embarrassed about being 28 and still living with my mother, because I wanted to be with a woman. I felt very guilty about having to move my sweet boy after such a long time, but I had some hope that he'd make it, because I used to walk him on the stairs of the building where my flat was located. We used to go from the 3rd floor to the 2nd. My friend wanted to explore even to the 1st floor, but I was afraid that if my neighbor came out from the second floor with my dog, my sweet friend would be shocked and run away. So we moved. And I think that after we moved to our new flat, my boy made it. I felt like he was a little bit unhappy, because he told me - he meowed when I playfully surprised him with a tap on his back when he did not expect it, and he meowed in a way that would say: "You can not do these things to me!". I knew it was not the tap, but the part where we moved. The two men arguing with the women in my dream was me and my dad arguing with my mother. My dad divorced my mother and I left my home too with my cat.

I had another dream a day or two before my sweet boy passed away. It was about being home sick, missing home. I have to say that I personally don't feel like I missed my home, but I feel like those dreams may have been my cat's feelings slipping into my mind. Maybe my cat wanted to return home where we used to live for the majority of his (17 of 20) and my (27 of 30) life. This is why he was lying in front of the doors, and the doors were the doors to my mother's flat, where we used to live. The blanket in front of him was literal (the blanket indeed fell down that night), but also abstract (the blanket represented his comfort, which he has lost due to old age and illness).

My heart is aching. He had it so difficult. We had it so difficult. I am so sorry my boy, I love you forever.

 

[di and bob]

No, I believe after three years he was content with you and the new space. Your mom being dramatic, the noise, would have all been more upsetting to him. We are all scared to leave the comfort of what we know and venture into the unknown, especially moving out after so long. I commend you for daring to grow up and get out on your own. cats do not have long-term memories like we do, they remember people who were kind to them, but are driven, mostly by instinct like all animals. Mamas begin to stop looking for their babies after a few weeks, they accept what has happened, just like your sweet boy. I think he was happier because he had you. That is all he needed. I think the arguing in your dreams had more to do with your own conflicts. I think the moved blanket represented that you knew something was wrong with your boy, that he was not comfortable towards the end. There is ALWAYS guilt accompanying grief. You are not perfect, but you tried and you loved him, remember, that is all he ever wanted........

 

[I'm John]

No, I believe after three years he was content with you and the new space. Your mom being dramatic, the noise, would have all been more upsetting to him. We are all scared to leave the comfort of what we know and venture into the unknown, especially moving out after so long. I commend you for daring to grow up and get out on your own. cats do not have long-term memories like we do, they remember people who were kind to them, but are driven, mostly by instinct like all animals. Mamas begin to stop looking for their babies after a few weeks, they accept what has happened, just like your sweet boy. I think he was happier because he had you. That is all he needed. I think the arguing in your dreams had more to do with your own conflicts. I think the moved blanket represented that you knew something was wrong with your boy, that he was not comfortable towards the end. There is ALWAYS guilt accompanying grief. You are not perfect, but you tried and you loved him, remember, that is all he ever wanted........

Thank you so much It hurts and I have all these thoughts.

 

[di and bob]

I know. I have cried an ocean myself I understand how shattered you are, I have stood in your shoes. You loved him. It is OK to miss him terribly. But believe me, his love will ALWAYS be a part of your very soul. A love like that just doesn't disappear, the 'essence' of it will always remain a part of you......

 

[di and bob]

PS, for now, you have to learn ways to NOT have all those thoughts. Compartmentalize them. You will always have them but time will bring ways to cope with them. You are too raw, to hurt right now. Keep busy, build him a shrine, anything to keep your mind away from teh horror, and talk to him. He will help you through with the strength of that love.....

 

[I'm John]

I know. I have cried an ocean myself I understand how shattered you are, I have stood in your shoes. You loved him. It is OK to miss him terribly. But believe me, his love will ALWAYS be a part of your very soul. A love like that just doesn't disappear, the 'essence' of it will always remain a part of you......

I've had a dream about a black veil being pierced through by rays of sunshine. I feel that I am able to realize important things about his and my life. I feel that it makes more sense to phrase it as "our life together". We spent our days together and made them better for each other. We never belonged to anyone, because we all belong only to one place, which is the place where we came from and where we all will return one day eventually. We stayed together out of love.

 

[I'm John]

PS, for now, you have to learn ways to NOT have all those thoughts. Compartmentalize them. You will always have them but time will bring ways to cope with them. You are too raw, to hurt right now. Keep busy, build him a shrine, anything to keep your mind away from teh horror, and talk to him. He will help you through with the strength of that love.....

Thank you. I have those thoughts compartmentalized. I've just realized so many things in a short time.

I take it as an opportunity to grow spiritually. It is according to the principle of my friend's love. He would wake up every morning and wanted me to be active. When I lied down to straighten my back, he would often get worried and came to me to cheer me up. He would lie on me, which would make me very happy, which he felt, and it was a moment of love. It is according to this principle that I am open to these thoughts and ideas I receive from God about improving myself. Only thing that worries me is that I betrayed him, when I put him to sleep. Perhaps he would have died peacefully in his sleep had I not intervened. I hope he forgives me.

I realized something about myself. When I was about 7 or 8, I would come to my grandmother with my mom. My mom would not connect with me at that time in a sense that she never asked me about how I feel or what I want to do. Or at least I felt that way. Maybe she thought about me, but I felt really left out. I teased her a little bit, asking for attention, and she would yell at me to stop bothering her. She was somehow nervous. So I suppressed my sadness and went outside the house. And in this state of consciousness, I chose how I will spend my time. I took a magnifying glass, caught a bug outside and using this glass and sun, I burned him. I used to kill more insects by disassembling them. I had so much anger within me. And the anger was just a mask, in reality I felt very alone powerless. Alone because nobody would talk to me, powerless because I had to obey my mother's will, even though it was against of what I felt was right.

When my beloved friend started becoming old, I got the notion that he might pass away one day, which made me angry inside. It sort of woke up this old pain that I had from when I was little. I started having horrible thoughts about hurting him. I was angry at him, but I did not know what I am angry at him for. There was no reason. I kept reminding myself that he is my beloved cat, who's gone old. Every time I had imagined something hurtful, I went and caressed him. Those images I imagined hurt me a lot, because I'd never like to hurt my beloved friend. I think deep down I was looking at my old cat through the eyes of the abandoned kid, and the pain would say: "How can you leave me here alone like that!" It was my cat though who has opened my soul to this realization of this.

My mother is advocating physical violence on animals. The reasoning is that once the animal does not listen and wants to boss around, it should be hit so that it knows who is the real boss. I inherited this way of thinking, which made me slap my beloved boy in the past, which I regret deeply. Later on in life, I realized what a non-sense it is, as reality is about coexistence in harmony. For example, my cats never intended to pee on the drying machine, but the drying machine would stress them out, so they went and peed on it. Through compassion with the animal, I can understand the motives behind his behavior, so I can change my own. It is no reason to hit it.

I am so sorry, I never meant to be angry at you my love. You truly made me a better person.

 

[di and bob]

I can assure you that though we always want our loved ones to die peavefilly in their sleep, THIS ALMOST NEVER HAPPENS! All living things fight death. I have had too many that have suffered to not want to help them end the sufffering. It is better to end the enevitable one day early then one day late. Please never feel guilt if there is no cure......

 

[fionasmom]

I don't think that moving was as upsetting to your friend as you think. A couple of my cats lived in three different houses with me and I never sensed that they did not adjust.

Becoming angry at those we know will leave us when the pass on is a very common substitute emotion for grief as we work through the entire process.

 

[di and bob]

As for the slaps, there are very few of us that can say we have never done that. Especially years ago when spankings were normal parenting. None of us are perfect. You learn and move forward.....

 

[I'm John]

I can assure you that though we always want our loved ones to die peavefilly in their sleep, THIS ALMOST NEVER HAPPENS! All living things fight death. I have had too many that have suffered to not want to help them end the sufffering. It is better to end the enevitable one day early then one day late. Please never feel guilt if there is no cure......

Thank you. I keep reminding myself this.

I don't think that moving was as upsetting to your friend as you think. A couple of my cats lived in three different houses with me and I never sensed that they did not adjust.

Becoming angry at those we know will leave us when the pass on is a very common substitute emotion for grief as we work through the entire process.

Thank you. I get angry a lot now. At myself also.

As for the slaps, there are very few of us that can say we have never done that. Especially years ago when spankings were normal parenting. None of us are perfect. You learn and move forward.....

I've just realized that it has not been that long since I got angry at my boy. It was after we moved, so probably 2 years ago. He was always able to sense my anger so I even remember his fear, his face, emotion and the way he turned around and started hastily moving away. I was getting better and better as time has passed, and ultimately instead of anger, I felt compassion for my friend. I did not slap him during those two years, only pushed him a little bit. It was already the time where I started becoming very aware of my own mistakes and the non-sense I was living according to.

He loved me so much that when I got angry about something, he would sense that I am falling into my personal hell again and he would come to me to calm me down. It has happened a few days before we saw each other for the last time. I messaged a girl I was interested in. I said: "Hi, how are you? I hope you're having a nice day." and she told me that I am an "old **** and a pervert and I can go...". Well, that's not all she said, but I will stop it there. I got extremely upset, which my boy sensed and he came to me to calm me down. He lied his whole body on my chest. I think his love was so pure that he was not angry at me. He just knew that my anger is a mask of my pain. He made me realize that I matter, and if someone starts insulting me or tries to hurt me, then I don't need to prove them anything. I just matter and I don't need to be upset about anything. It is a feeling I did not learn as a kid. He was so generous in his teachings. He was a true miracle. His love guided me and will always guide me to purity. I love you my sweet boy. Peace and calm to your soul.