What do I do?

[meh427]

I adopted a cat in September. The night I adopted her, I (dumbly) brought her to my parents' house on Friday because I was planning to take her to our family vet on Saturday. When my mom and I tried to put her in her carrier Saturday morning, she freaked out and bit both of us. She then hid in my room there all day Saturday and Sunday. My sister got her in her carrier and I brought her to my apartment. She was all set up in the bathroom. At first, she hid in the bathroom, but then she let me  pet her/talk to her.

After about a week, I let her out to start exploring the apartment. She was soooo skittish. I gave her treats in her hiding spots and talking to her in a quiet voice, sat and held a long toy out for her to play with. She sometimes did, but not really.

I also got a Feliway diffuser, a spray, and kitty "calm down" medicine to put in her water. It didn't really make a difference.

I wanted to put Bea back in her "safe room" (my bathroom) for awhile. She was in there for the first week and she never came to me voluntarily, but she let me pet her and purred when I did. But I literally could not catch her. She will not come closer than three feet to me.

Eight months later, she is still skittish, neurotic, and distant. I can't pick her up, pet her, or even get near her (she runs and hides). If I am laying on the couch, she will lay on the carpet in the middle of the room, but if I move too much, she will run and hide under the bed. I had to have a mobile vet come to my house in February to do her shots. She FREAKED OUT and ran all over my apartment, jumping on the lamps and everywhere, trying to get away. The vet and the vet assistant basically had to catch her in a big butterfly net-looking thing and trap her in the bathroom to examine her. The vet prescribed Cat Prozac, and I was giving them to her in those treats with a hole in them. She was eating them for a few days and then learned to eat around the pill. I've tried Feliway and a natural "calm down" medicine in her water.

I started cat-sitting my aunt's cat Guinness last week and will be watching him for several months. I'm keeping him and Bea separated for now. It's hard not to compare them. He's a pet. He sometimes wants to do his own thing, sometimes wants me to pet him, snuggles with me, and is generally affectionate. I want that. The vet said that being alone may be a part of the problem for her, so eventually, I'm hoping that having him here will calm her down a bit.

I'm crying as I'm typing this because it's sad. It's sad for me and for her. I don't know what the right thing to do is. The woman I got her from called me last night, concerned, because she didn't know Bea was still "like this". She basically offered to take her back (she's a huge animal rescue person who basically homes pets that can't go anywhere else) and let me "try" a new cat. The idea of that is really sad for me but it's also sad for me to live with an animal that I feel like is basically afraid any part of the day that I am home with her. Of course the internet has lots of things to say about this topic. I don't want to "give up" when she could still be making progress, but I don't want to spend (and Bea to spend) the next fifteen years fairly miserable with each other. She's not aggressive or angry towards me. She has hissed at Guinness under the door, but she also meows when I'm in the bathroom with him and reaches under the door with her paw and looks to see what's happening.

I need the Cat Whisperer.

 

[molly92]

I'm sorry you and Bea have been struggling for so long. It looks like you can either return Bea or work with her to slowly socialize her and desensitize her to her fears. Either is a perfectly valid option. It just depends if you have the time and energy available to devote to working with her on this. It's clear you already possess the patience necessary, because you have had her for so long!

The difference between Guinness and Bea likely happened in the first few months of their lives. Guinness probably grew up around people, whereas Bea lived at least a portion of her developmental time without prolonged contact with humans. It's not either of their faults' that their lives turned out way, but it does have a big effect on their personalities now. Bea will never be as carefree as Guinness because fear is much more ingrained in her, but it is possible to teach her that you and your home are not a threat. 

Some cats really love other cats and some don't, so another cat can be a useful tool in socialization. If a cat responds better to another cat than to a person, allowing them to spend time together and letting the scared cat watch the confident cat interact with the person can help it learn. If a cat is scared of other cats, though, it can be more overwhelming to learn to adjust to a cat and a person at the same time, so you have to play it by ear to determine when during the process of socialization it's best to let two cats start spending time together.

 This is a really good guide for socializing fearful cats: http://bestfriends.org/resources/socializing-cats-how-socialize-very-shy-or-fearful-cat. For Bea's case, it would probably be good to go through every step they list, being very gradual and consistent. I think it's very possible for Bea to come around to the point where she acts more like a normal house cat and is not constantly living in fear of you. Some things she just may never be fond of, and new things will always be scary, but I think she has a good chance with the right guidance.

 

[aislinn]

Oh, poor Bea. I adopted a semi-feral girl a few years ago, and it took her a year to get comfortable. She is now the most affectionate, happy little girl. I too got frustrated and felt that we would simply co-exist, but one morning, she followed me into the kitchen, rolled around the floor, and let me rub her belly. From that day forward, she is a happy, trusting soul. She still doesn't like it when I have company, and I respect that. I hope the same for you and Bea.

 

[Columbine]

molly92 has given you some great advice and information already. I don't have a lot to add, but these articles might be helpful:-[article="32735"][/article][article="29661"][/article] (I know she's not feral, but some of the socialisation tips here may help ) [article="30316"][/article][article="32758"][/article]

 

[foxxycat]

I think time will have to do its trick with your kitty.

I would suggest not trying to pick her up or even petting her.

Some cats-if you ignore them-come at you more-try for a few days-ignore her-don't try to approach her. sit on the floor and read or watch tv. Let her come to you when she wants-sometimes they take time to learn to trust. Some cats are just not crazy about us. My sister had a kitten who hissed at anyone. She loved to play so we played with her but don't try to pick her up. She still afraid of people but she loves play. Try finding something she loves. see if you can build trust through play.

finally getting another cat is a great idea-the post above about this is spot on. cats are monkey see monkey do-I have seen it. So it may help to get a friendly kitty to show her the ropes so to speak. Give her time. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to make them change but maybe trying a few days of ignoring her may help relieve fears? Keep us posted!

 

[sirentist]

While coaxing a semi-feral kitty into becoming more affectionate and trusting can be incredibly rewarding, it's not for everyone, and certainly not something I would want to go into unknowingly. It sounds to me like maybe the person you got Bea from was aware of her skittish nature, but maybe hoped with the right environment, she would come out of her shell. Without disparaging her in any way, I think she didn't (or wasn't able to) really give you all the information you needed to make an informed decision about adopting Bea.

The part about not wanting to be miserable, or to have a miserable kitty, for the next 15 years really stands out for me. I think you might have your answer right there.

My experience with "rejecting" a kitty involved a lot of soul-searching. I already had one stand-offish cat and wanted to adopt a companion cat who had been more socialized to humans as a kitten. I actually ended up "trying out" three different cats in succession before giving up and deciding that my rotten defective cat would be good enough, lol. In each case, what it came down to was whether or not it was going to be fair for me to be moping around feeling resentful and frustrated and always wanting more than the cat could ever give. I don't mean just unfair to me (although that definitely was a huge factor) -- I ended up thinking it also wouldn't be fair to a cat if I spent its entire life incapable of feeling satisfied with it, constantly hassling it to try to be something it wasn't, forcing it to live in a situation where I would always be stressing it out by trying to interact with it.

I was able to rehome two of the three to awesome, perfect situations, with people who knew in advance what they were getting into. The third cat came from a situation similar to yours, and by then I knew to stipulate a trial period in advance, so although I felt guilty as hell bringing her back, at the same time I knew I was doing the right thing, both for her and for me. As in your situation, I knew I could trust that the foster mom would do right by her.

There's nothing wrong with you for wanting to share your home with a cat who isn't terrified all the time. It sounds to me like your expectations are totally reasonable. I don't believe it's wrong to have certain basic things that you need from the connection. If you're not wanting to make the commitment to spend years rehabilitating Bea into a kitty who can meet some of your needs, then I see no shame in bringing her back to the foster. I also see no shame in knowing yourself well enough to know that you can't, or don't want to, make such a commitment.

I really feel for you, here. It was agonizing, each of the three times -- so agonizing that I haven't tried again. Eleven years in, and I have come to adore my rotten, inadequate, socially-deficient cat. I'm pretty sure the feeling is more or less mutual, although you know in a zombie apocalypse I would be the first one she would eat once the food ran out.

Anyhow -- if you decide to take the leap and stick with Bea, you won't be alone. You'll get tons of support here. And if you decide to bring her back to the foster home, you won't be alone either. There's no "right" or "wrong" thing to do, only what's right for you and Bea within the parameters of what each of you is capable of doing and being.

Wishing you all the best as you navigate this difficult decision. Do keep us posted!

 

[jcribbs]

It takes some cats longer than others. If the other cat is still in the home that you are babysitting, sit in the floor with that cat and brush her/him so the other cat is watching.. Watching you interact with that cat will help Bea understand that he/she doesn't have to be so fearful. Bea will get better. One day, if you keep her, you will wonder, why you ever doubted her.

If you send her back, it will take her much much longer to begin trusting someone else.

Things to try with Bea:

1 -- Gooy cat food on the tip of your finger... Just watch TV while holding your arm out to the side. She might sneak up and lick your finger if she is coming within three feet..

2 -- You can also put bowls of soft chow sitting a few feet from you. Ignore her if she approaches it. And then during the following weeks, move the bowl closer and closer.

(MY FAVORITE)
3 -- You can also lay on the floor "on your side" and put the bowl of food behind you so she feels she is sneaking up to eat. Watch TV, FROM YOUR SIDE, and put a little mirror up so you can see if she is coming close to eat her soft kitty food.
---After she is comfortable eating behind you (might be a week or two. It's up to Bea), move the bowl toward "your feet" , while still laying on your side. Let her get comfortable eating in this new spot.
---Over the next week or two, slowing keep moving it a few more inches, until it is in front of your feet, while you are still on your side. Still do not make much eye contact while she is eating. Just watch her in the mirror. Believe me, she will be watching you while she eats.
---After she is comfortable eating in front of your feet in her bowl , you can try to do this from a sitting position... with the bowl beside you, still ignoring her while she eats. You could maybe put a hand a few inches from the bowl.. You have to let her go through these steps at her own pace.

Also, let her see you open the can of cat food. Let her know, that this is for her. If she is coming within three feet, she will get it quickly..

I have a male cat that it really took about 10 years to let me love on him.. He was not semi-feral like Bea. He was 100% feral. I don't think it will take that long with Bea as she is coming within three feet of you. That's a really wonderful sign by the way..

If you decide to keep Bea, eventually it will be very very rewarding for you and for Bea.. You will be her only person and that is a big responsibility.

One more thing. I would not lock her in the bathroom. I am not going to get into the prozac thing, but I will say her fear is absolutely normal for a semi feral cat. She has to work through it herself, with your patience and with letting her choose her own pace in her progress. Let her roam her territory. Your house/apartment is her safe zone, not the bathroom. You can keep her stuff in the restroom, but leave the door open or at least cracked. Bea has to make the decision to trust you. And this will not happen with her in the bathroom. If she is locked up away from the activity, she will never come around, not the way you want her to. You may not realize it, but her sitting in the living room while you are there is a huge compliment. If you just remain patient with her, she will come around.

I have tame/feral cats. They are only tame with me and my husband. BUT, if we have company, they are invisible. It is the nature of the feral cat to trust very few humans. If you keep Bea, you will be her person, and possibly she will be friendly with another person or two -- if they are a constant person that visits you and spends the night on occasion . But it takes time. Not weeks, but months and maybe more than a year or two. This sounds like a long time, but it's not. It's only time and it will pass no matter what.


Good luck sweetheart .. and whatever you decide, don't look back.. Move forward with no regrets.

Jenn