well you are here, WHAT HAS HELPED WITH YOUR GRIEF THE MOST?

[kmd]

I hope the moderators don't mind this thread, I hope it is in the right place...

After 7 weeks, I wished I had wrote down all of the things that have helped and haven't. I am still looking for ways to help the grief and pain.

I have several observations, and would be interested in any of yours...

The grief, is up and down... and gives me small vacations of 2 days sometimes. My theory is the grief is up and down because few of us could stand the intensity at a constant level, we have to have breaks or we would be in the crazy house.

Things that have helped:

*When The Moment Comes - by Gareth, on this site.

*books that did help:

"Goodbye Friend; Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Lost A Pet"-Gary Kowalski

"Pet Loss Companion: Healing Advice From Family Therapist Who Lead Pet Loss Group"-Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio

"When Your Pet Dies: A Guide To Mourning, Remembering and Healing"-Alan Wolfelt

(have previously read "Cold Noses At The Pearly Gates" by Gary Kurz and liked it)

I read 3 other pet grief books, I like 2 okay and absolutely didn't like 1.

("The Cat Who Saved My Life" by Philip Schreibman was good too, but not a grief book)

One book suggested I write Georgie a letter, which I did and that seemed to help. I read it almost everyday, and usually when having a big grief attack and watch "Letter From A Lost Pet" (Vivienne Mathews) on youtube...

I have had 5 close friends (all childless) who have helped me through this time and cried with me...

Help...

 

[margd]

This site helps a lot where everyone understands your grief and offer the most beautiful, heartfelt words of comfort.

I also wrote a lot in my journal, both before my boys died and afterwards. It brought them back to me and years later, it still helped me to feel connected.

The thing that helped most, however, is not for everyone. Three days after my dear boy Milo died, I adopted 8 year old Polly from a kill shelter where her chances of adoption were next to nill. By saving her life, it helped me cope with losing Milo and it honored his life. I did the same thing when my dear Wesley passed on, although this time I adopted from a rescue group. However since this group pulled cats from kill shelters, it still saved a life.


I also made photo albums of both boys and looked through them a lot. And I cried. A lot.

It's so hard when we lose the furry members of our family. They are not with us nearly long enough. I know how much you are hurting right now and hope with time you can smile again. You will never forget - they steal our hearts - but the wonderful memories can bring us company. You have my deepest sympathies for what you are going through.

 

[kmd]

Thanks so much Margd... adopting Polly at age 8 was a wonderful to thing to do... 5 weeks after Georgie's death, we got 3 year old Abigail from the humane society, we asked for an adult who has been passed by for adoption by many folks... we got an oddly colored sweetheart of a cat... 3 years ago when Elmo died, 5 weeks later we got Venus from a foster home of a local pet group, who reminded us, we weren't just helping Venus - we were opening a spot for another foster cat...

For me, this has hurt more than any human death... most of society is not ready to hear that.

Thanks again Margd, and that was fantastic about Polly...

 

[misterwhiskers]

To be honest, the only thing that ever helped me was Time. I have lost so many cats...Annie (16), Vicky (11), her only kitten Junior (16), Tootsie (my first real cat, cancer at 7),Seamus (age unknown), Oreo (9), Belle (age unknown).

I had to give myself time, and remember that it's part of the deal I made with God when He led them to me (or vice versa). Time is short, but Love is Furrever. [emoji]10084[/emoji]️[emoji]10084[/emoji]️

 

[missmindy]

I agree that time will help the most. It has been a year today that I lost my Mindy, and there were times I didn't think I'd ever get through it.  You will probably find that grief is a rollercoaster.  Some days will be fine and others will feel like a punch in the gut.  Time did help me though to work through my loss and remember all of the good times.  Talking about Mindy helped.  I joined an online pet loss chat that helped immensely.  I kept in mind that there is no timeline or schedule though to work grief and loss.

I also adopted another kitty several days after Mindy passed.  I personally felt that Mindy had to have a paw in my learning of this particular cat needing a home.  I felt that I could honor her by bringing in a homeless kitty that was dumped on the street at a spay/neuter clinic and ended up at the shelter because her owner passed away.  Having this kitty, KeKe, to care for helped pull me out of my funk and realize that I could still love another cat because of how much I loved Mindy-if that makes sense.

My sympathies and best wishes go out to you.  Losing a beloved cat that you are bonded with absolutely hurts as much as a human loss in my opinion.  Take care of yourself and take comfort in your memories!

 

[nurseangel]

Time, tears, family, and the kind members of TCS.  I love having a "place" to go where people truly understand and support.  

 

[di and bob]

  nurseangel is so wise, and so right. That you can share your sorrow with those that understand is SO important, it releases a little of that pain that can build up to an unbearable state. I also have to keep busy and distracted, I tend to dwell on my sorrow and no matter how much we would like to go back and change things, it will not happen. God bless us all. 

 

[kmd]

Over the years,  have provided grief materials to a lot of business clients by Doug Manning of Insight Books. So some of his stuff (though not dealing with pet grief) works for me also.

He said grief comes in one size - EXTRA LARGE...

I equate this process to being told you have to drink a large vat of toxins to get through the process - the more you cry - the more you get through the toxins and pain. You have to drink an enormous amount of it the first 3 days... you can't put the toxins away (or you can, but they aren't going anywhere) or walk around them too long. If you try to avoid the toxins, they will be there waiting on you.

I have thought that Elmo's death reminded me that time did help... one day, things just seem to be better.

What I am wrestling with, is that I lost my best friend of 17 years...

 

[swampwitch]

I agree with those who said TIME. The pain doesn't go away, but it dulls the sharp edges. Know that it will get better. I read once that "The only way past grief is through it." 

 

 

[jcat]

Definitely time, but adopting Mogli eight days after Jamie's death was the biggest help. The house no longer seemed so empty, and he kept us busy playing and cuddling.

 

[alaskancathouse]

I think it's like most people have said: it takes time.  After a while, the grief is less intense but it never goes away.  It just becomes more private.  

 

[Loving Mickey]

I don't really believe you ever want to accept that your kitty is gone, even though you must. I never really felt that time helped me at all. In fact, I miss my Mickey even more one year later.
The only thing I felt that helped me at all was adopting my Mittens and Shadow. I adopted Shadow about one month after losing my Mickey. Shadow seemed to want a friend as Mickey never did. Mickey loved being the only kitty. Shadow seemed lonely, so about six months later I adopted Mittens. I was so hoping it would work out. I got lucky as Shadow welcomed Mittens happily. It took Mittens a little longer to warm up to Shadow as he is more shy and timid. It took about two months.Now they are best friends.Shadow follows Mittens around the house, wanting to be sure he is safe.So sweet!
I only hope my Mickey understands and approves!
I was just so lonely without him.
My house is now a warm home again!

 

[kmd]

Thanks everyone...

I hit a particularly rough patch of grief and mourning at the 6, 7th, and 8th weeks after her death. Right after that, when I felt it coming on, I actually waved the grief off for a few days (which the experts discourage) because I felt I needed a break... I tend to agree that time is the one thing that will help after awhile.

I have recently read these books and found them helpful:

The Older Cat - Dan Poynter

Coping with Sorrow On The Loss Of Your Pet-Moira Anderson Allen

Being rather truthful, I confided in a close friend who helped me through this, that part of what was hurting, was the thought I would never truly love a cat as much as I loved Georgie nor would that thick of a bond ever happen again.

Strangely, several weeks after that, I actually drew comfort from that - that Georgie and I were so truly bonded and close that it made it a special relationship - never to be repeated... and I could hold it and her close to my heart forever.

The next thought ofcourse is, now get busy loving and caring for those two wonderful cats at the house now and make their life great...

 

[ginny]

I posted about this on a thread at pet loss .com earlier today.  Music is, for me, a great way to help process grief.  Anyone else have some favorite songs that help you?  Here are some of the songs I mentioned:

Ordinary World - Duran Duran

I'll Be There - The Escape Club

Needful Hands - Jars of Clay

Hear You me - Jimmy Eat World

Ordinary World and I'll Be There were songs that really helped me when daddy died.  My mom really loved I'll Be There and that very song helped me so much last July when I lost her.  Needful Hands was a song I first heard back in 2004 the same week my kitty Garfy died (also the very same week I first saw Gracie.)  There was one line in the song that really spoke to me.  "You are my eyes when I can't see."  Hear You Me is a song I heard on a youtube video several years ago.  It was on my recommended list.  At the time, none of mine were sick.  Even my mom was ok at the time, although she had been diagnosed with Parkinsons.  Anyway, that song along with the video made me cry my eyes out.  You can look up "Jimi's Sundown".  Get the kleenex ready!  Crying is good, although we do need a little break from it at times.  I don't cry all day long, but a good sob releases toxins in your tears.  And it speaks volumes about the love you have for your pet.  

 

[denice]

I really like this one as well.  The video calls it Celtic but the poem was actually written by an American.  I remember a while back someone had a feral that lived in his yard put down and he did a video with this song that had pictures of the kitty in it.

 

[kmd]

Ginny:

Right before I got online I drove in and "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran was on the car cd player... When I had Georgie a little service at the grave, I played the two songs I had access to that meant something, "Heartlight" by Neil Diamond and "Bright Eyes" by Art Garfunkel... I had also bought a greatest hits cd of The Free Design about a week before Georgie's health took a dive, strangely I get a little comfort from some of those songs as I attach them to the that time frame when she was still hanging on...

I have since read, "The Loss Of A Pet" by Wallace Sife, and it is very good also...

I go to youtube every few days and watch Vivienne Mathews' "Owner, Dearest Friend - Letter From A Lost Pet" when I seem to be going through a difficult day. I recently read Phillip Shcreibmans' "My Cat Saved My Life" again and though it put me through the wringer for two days, I am glad I read it again...

Thanks to everyone for your input...

 

[ginny]

Beautiful song, Denice!  Thank you for sharing it.

Kmd, I've read some things about loss and for some reason, it just doesn't speak to me the way music does.  I come from a very musical family, we're not really readers, although I journal as well as write music.  I'm glad those books have helped you.  As far as music goes, not all music helps in what would be considered a good way.  Ordinary World is a song that I think of as kind of like a scab breaker.  It makes you sad and cry even if you don't want to.  At least it does me.  Same with Needful Hands and Hear You Me.  Tears just have to come and they really are healing.  I'll be there is very uplifting though, a needed break from all the sadness.  

 

[gareth]

The older and more cynical I get, the more I think we suffer because we have no-one to give our love to. Every time I have lost a cat the only thing that has really truly distracted me was getting another cat. I adore my two burmese "kittens" now, but I got them six weeks after losing my beloved Eva. At the time I was in hell, and thought I would be unable to love them due to my grief, but at the end of the day we are all cat people and they stole my heart. I'm now a believer that it's never too early to get another cat.

 

[kmd]

I suppose as proof that time helps some, my grief with Elmo's death in 2011 is not as strong as Georgie's 2015 death... time heals so, we just can't fast forward.

 

[lily paddy]

I was actually online the night i had to put my 5 month old JAxx to sleep.. I was so overcome with grief.. i was looking for somewhere to be.. to see what other people do.. feel.. I cant tell u that i was having a quote normal grief.. as none of us im sure feel that way..  I couldn't function, i came here as a newbie in grief in November.. and the Top Cats the Moderators the Alpha cats the Mod Squad Kittens young cats all helped.. the forum.. the grief forum.. so many stories.. so much love and support.... The right words.. the right sharing of stories.. the hugs the listening when i had no where to go with my grief.. you all helped.. are still helping.. i am noticing that alot of people come here the first time out of grief.. i cry when i read the stories of love and life and death.. I also try to understand and pay it forward and hopefully touch and help we love our animals.. This is the place to share the ending, the hurt. pain.. but always keep the love. 

The people.. you have helped the most.. with the compassion and sharing of your kitties.. the listening...