Third Anniversary

[cataan]

Three years. I can't believe it's been that long since my precious Back wrapped his tail around my leg as we walked to the kitchen for breakfast. Since he dropped a toy at my feet so we could play fetch. Since that fateful day when I put him in the cat carrier while he was dealing with a hairball, he let out that horrific scream, and later that night I was burying him. I had told myself not to put him in the carrier while he was dealing with a hairball because, given how afraid of the carrier he was, he might go into cardiac arrest while under the stress of those terrible hairballs. I still cannot forgive myself for overreacting and not single day has gone by where I haven't thought about him. That's 1,095 days.

Sometimes I get mad. I ask why, since the vet estimated he was 7-11% dehydrated (and thus the cause of the terribly difficult hairballs), did he not drink water? It was either the day before, or earlier the day he died, when he jumped up onto the sink, licked the faucet, turned to face me and said "gluck, gluck" indicating he wanted a drink. I was about to leave for some hours so instead of turning the faucet on, I picked him up and set him down in front of his water bowl, which I had just changed. He looked at the bowl, he looked at me, and then he walked away! If he was so dehydrated and certainly wanted water, why did he refuse to drink from his bowl given how thirsty he must have been? I knew he liked drinking from the faucet, but I never thought he would completely give up drinking water if it was from the bowl. Weeks, months had gone by -- if I had known he wasn't drinking from the bowl I would have given him faucet water more often, or even bottle fed him which I know he would have loved.

There is no going back, it is 2017 and there is only going forward, but a piece of my heart still lives in 2014. And it always will.

 

[di and bob]

My heart goes out to you and your pain. Your precious Back would certainly never want you to be going through this and remembering him this way. Hold on to the love he had for you, and try to feel thankful that you shared such a wonderful part of your life with that sweet boy. He certainly thanks you for the wonderful life you gave him. The love you both had for each other will never die, it is spiritual, so eternal.You have a part of his soul mingling with yours, and so does he, use it to comfort yourself and bring yourself peace. Bless you for hurting so bad from loving so much/

 

[Antonio65]

When we live such shocking stories like yours certainly was, the scars they leave in our minds will hurt forever.
We are all going to live with a small or big sense of guilt for doing or not doing something, hopefully we'll come to terms with it.
I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[meelasmom]

thank you. I know this is going to hurt for a very long time.

 

[les26]

I am just seeing this now, and I posted how 5/15 we lost Simon in 2014 also, I know how you are feeling. I can't say why he didn't drink, perhaps there were reasons why that you will never know about, but you did the best that you could at the time with what you knew, it is certainly easy to doubt and second guess and blame, but you did the best that you could at the time. Your kitty is fine now, no more pain or being scared, and you will one day be reunited and think how wonderful that day will be!

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......

 

[dorymb]

I am so sorry for your awful experience. Yes, sadly there is no going back for us. I hope it helps to know that others share in your pain and immense grief.

 

[Mark Lehrkind]

I cried too. But my thoughts are with you. My boy also did not like the carrier. We were always asked "Is his face always like that?" No, he just rubs his face on the bars. You could always do things better, but that does not mean you did not do your best - I know others will forgive.

 

[zed xyzed]

I am so sorry that you lost your sweet boy.

 

[cataan]

I appreciate replies, and it is why I reply in other threads - knowing you're not alone in your feelings helps, somehow, I'm not sure why.

I've had to euthanize a cat, back in 2010. I was sad, and I still miss him, but I accept what I did because there was no other choice other than let him die in pain. He was suffering and, rather than living, he was dying. I know that. It would have been cruel to let him linger for 6 hours, 12 hours, whatever was left. His heart muscle had deteriorated to the point where, despite medication, it wasn't moving blood, and he was drowning.

But Back was not dying. Severe dehydration certainly put him at risk of cardiac arrest, and I am responsible for causing the stress that put him into arrest. I know, I was trying to help, my actions were based on love and friendship, my intentions were good... but I had repeatedly told myself beforehand not to put him in the cage when he had a hairball, to wait, to be patient. But I panicked. I failed him. I never should have taken him to the vet.

Some of you understand the kind of bond we had, even though you never knew Back, you know that once in a lifetime bond I'm talking about. You and your cat don't speak the same language, yet you communicate as if you do. It's like he understands English and you understand, well, meow. The friendship is so genuine, it isn't about food as some people will (ignorantly) say. It's love. I'm not religious or spiritual, and I don't believe I'll ever see him again, I just have memories, a lesson learned, and regret. So, so much regret.

 

[Antonio65]

Some of you understand the kind of bond we had, even though you never knew Back, you know that once in a lifetime bond I'm talking about. You and your cat don't speak the same language, yet you communicate as if you do. It's like he understands English and you understand, well, meow. The friendship is so genuine, it isn't about food as some people will (ignorantly) say. It's love. I'm not religious or spiritual, and I don't believe I'll ever see him again, I just have memories, a lesson learned, and regret. So, so much regret.

I have rarely read more beautiful words than these!
Though I want to believe we will all reunite someday.