The story of Rizzo - long

[riley1]

Hi,

I have not been on the site lately.  You guys helped me so much with my little foster GrayCee.  Now I am really in pain so I thought I would tell the story of my little cat, Rizzo.

My husband had a terminal disease.  We moved to a place where I could have a pet and I thought a kitten would be nice for him.  A friend of a friend had a cat they took because the owners asked a farmer to shoot the cats.  The friend could not keep him because he was very angry & attacked  all of her other cats.  I took him on a trial basis.  He was five & had been declawed as a baby.  He hated my husband but slept right next to me the very first night.  He peed all over the house & especially on my husband's clothes however.   I was going to give him back but the people said they would have to take him to the HS.  I knew he would be killed and my husband said "I have gotten used to him", so he stayed. I had never had a cat before so we really had a rough time.  My husband died & this little guy was my sole comfort & companion.

He never stopped peeing but it was less frequent.     I took him out on a harness and he would bug me all summer to go out. Talked with a well known AC & never got anywhere with him. I called him my little monster. The AC got so expensive I went to a cheaper one.  What a mistake.  She was good with yes/no questions but not so with open ended ones. 

I was retired & spent a lot of time grieving alone & this little guy was there for me every minute.  If I was home he would always lay on me & we watched TV together at night  He would run to meet me when I came home.   I  took him out every summer, but he always wanted more & this became very time consuming.  Kept taking him because the joy on his face was wonderful and he would come right back when I called him. Plus, he was very persuasive in getting his way; the meows would get more pleading.   I would talk to the new AC & rag about the peeing & the time outside.

A couple years ago he stopped eating everyday & threw up a lot.  Took him to the vet and was told this was normal for a cat; that he would eat when he was hungry.  I then read on the internet that this was not normal and took him to a natural vet.  Had all the tests & ultrasounds.  Everything was normal so they said he had IBD and I should force feed him.  This did not work so we went to another vet.  She gave him a steriod shot & this lasted for 6 months.  The next shot for about 3 months.  Then we had to go to oral which did not work at all.  She referred me to an internist & of course they did all the same tests and said he probably had cancer.  Recommend a full thickness biopsy.  Was not convinced he had cancer and certainly was not going to cut him open.  Quite quickly he got worse. Decided to talk with the first AC.

He said he had cancer in his stomach & intestines & was leaving soon.  He  apologized for being a bad kitty and said I now could get a good one. I was so shocked that he did not know how much I loved him.  We got that resolved and I decided last Friday that it was time for him to go as it had been almost 3 weeks and set the appt. for Monday.  The vet was coming to the house and Rizzo wanted a pre sedative so he would not run & hide.  The whole thing was awful.  The sedative made him drunk & very hungry. For an hour & 15 min. he flopped around the floor trying to eat.  Worse time of my life!  He settled as the vet arrived but was very alert.  The first shot hurt & for the first time he growled.  Although he was still alive his body went limp with his eyes open so after I few minutes I had the vet come back in & give the final shot.  After they are gone they just look awful.

Now I am heartbroken and realized this was his house more than mine. It is very large & I only use a few rooms.  He used the whole house.  His things are in every room & the second floor as well.  I see him in all his favorite places & feel like I am in a big lonely barn. I guess I loved my little charmer more than one should love a cat because the grief is equal to my husband's loss.

If you made it thru this long post, thank you!  Have any of you been hit this hard by the loss of your cat or used an AC for your pets?  It is much easier to believe in AC's when you are only checking in but harder when there is a  death.  It would help me to hear your stories.  I hope you guys don't think I am crazy using ACs.

PS:  I know he got cancer because I live in a condo & they spray pesticides about 10 times a year.  This never occurred to me and it should have.

 

[mnm]

I'm drawing a blank and can't think what AC stands for
I feel so bad about your experience with the at home euthanization. Minnie was on my lap when sedated...and she went to get up but I held her there and in a few seconds she was totally sedated... and I laid her on the floor on a blankey for the final injection which was instant. With all that said...the main thing is you were there for your baby...and you did the right thing not to let her suffer anymore. It's so hard. Saturday was 19 weeks. It definitely gets easier though.

 

[riley1]

Sorry!  Animal Communicator.  He was only 13.  I thought I had the whole thing planned to make every step easy  for him.  It could have been a good idea because he always runs when people come in and comes out sometime later to investigate.  I didn't want to have to chase him out from under a bed and have him fighting me all the way.  I know some people put them in a bathroom prior but in that he has never been locked in a room I thought it would be stressed out.

Thank you for your kind comments. 

 

[di and bob]

You did everything you could to help your sweet baby, I'm so glad you had the chance to tell him how much you loved him and was able to release him from his pain. Try so very hard not to dwell on his death, but celebrate the love you two shared and the life you spent together. We always remember the times we should have done something different, or what we did wrong, it's a normal part of grieving. There will be times when it becomes overwhelming, as I'm sure you know after you lost your husband, to suffer another loss such as this is crushing to the spirit. You will always have your memories, they are as precious as gold, share them with friends who understand and can help with your pain, it helps to release the pain if you can. My heart cries for what you are going through, I wish I could help make it better. I'll pray for you, who is left behind to grieve, and for your husband and your Rizzo who I pray are together and loving you from afar.Be gentle on yourself, take care.......RIP beautiful Rizzo!

 

[riley1]

Bob & Di,

Thank you for your message.  It made me cry, but in a good way.  This forum is so great because I do feel people understand.  I was reading of other"s pain at their lost and thought I may not be that weird.  Most people I know right now think it was just a cat, so being sad is OK but not sobbing. Maybe not about the AC.  The few that know about the AC think I am just crazy. Yes, I am in the should have, blaming stage now. Was given a very sickly set of foster kittens ( work at a Humane Society part time) & regret having spent 6 months with them because it took so much  time away from Rizzo when we could have been outside.   I loved this little guy as much as any person who has shared my life; more than some.

He was so much a part of my life that everything I do around the house reminds me of him.  I had all the blinds set open.  At night if I closed too many he would give me a little slap with his paw as I was closing them.  It was his job to watch for ferals and protect his home so he needed to look out the windows.  I still don't put the clothes from the dryer on the bed because he would snuggle in them while I tried to put them away.  I shut closet doors to keep him out when there is now no need.  He was not a vocal cat unless he wanted something.  I had to be on the couch by 7:00 at night or he would start to complain. If I walked away when he was pleading to go outside, he would grab my leg like a toddler.  If I called him  outside he would come running at full speed and want to be scratched. I told people we had rules at my house.  He made them; I followed them and everyone was happy.  There were many  requests that I did not honor and now feel bad that I had not.   Coming home now is just dreadful. I have not packed up his things or even taken care of his litter boxes.  It just seems too final.  It has only been four days so I hope things get better as time goes on.

Wanted to explain about ACs.  I always considered myself a left brained scientist and the whole concept that you could talk to animals was ridiculous.  18 years ago the owner of the boarding stable (have a 30 yr old horse for 25 yrs) needed one more person.  It was hokey & my husband & I laughed all the way home.  A few weeks later I listened to the recorded session and realized that there were things said that only the horse & I knew.  The woman lived 100 miles away & had never been to our barn.  About a yr later the really good AC came & it was amazing.  My horse referred to things that he had told the first one.  I then took 3 beginner classes from the AC and totally sucked at this.  During the sessions I did get one verifiable answer that no one else did, but have not tried since. Each time I use one or the other I make sure I give them no information about the current situation and I always get really accurate information.  This is something anyone can do if they are able to mediate & clear their minds of other things.  I can't.

So, the AC said we might be able to get Rizzo's spirit back in another cat but it would be quite a process.  This leap I am unable to make.  It seems impossible to me.    I will think about this for awhile as he does not want to come back immediately. Plus, he would not be my green eyed, little black & white beauty.  Wish I could upload a photo but have not figured this out on a Mac with IPhoto.

Thank you for allowing me to talk about my little boy with a big heart.  It helps.  I have given a lot of info on ACs and most people will think I am nuts but not many responded so  this feels safe.  I assume you answered because only MnM did.  Not complaining, I enjoy reading other people's stories and offering help if I can.

Thanks again!

 

[di and bob]

I don't think you are 'nuts' at all! We all 'communicate' with our animals, whether we want to believe it or not. They may not speak our language but somehow they definitely get their point across. As for the AC, why not? Some people are so attuned to an animals ways I'm sure they understand what that animal is trying to tell us. I've had lots of different animals all my life and I can watch most animals and know what they are 'thinking' by their actions and sometimes by what they are NOT doing. As for reincarnation, how can anyone DISPROVE it, there are a lot of unexplainable things in the world. When my Chrissy died, my guilt and anguish was so overwhelming I still don't know how I got through those first few weeks. I went to an ordained animal chaplain at Compassion for Creatures. com who gave me a last blessing for her which I will always treasure, it was like Chrissy herself spoke to me and thanked me for her life, I am crying as I think about it. The pain kills something inside of you and has power over your life, you CAN'T let it control you. You have to consciously gain control over the fear and pain to live (and love) again. Time and patience are what it takes. We are never ready to say goodbye, memories are precious and what we have to cling to. I answer every post in Crossing the Bridge, I do this in my Chrissy's name. It helps me to try to help others through this horrific nightmare that never seems to end. Several times a year I go to our local Humane society and pay for the adoption of the cat that has been there the longest, I do this also in Chrissy's name and know she would approve, I can't bring myself to let a new love into my heart yet, but I want to at least try to get a forever home for those precious little souls. Please know my heart goes out to you and please keep posting on the Cat Site, we will all learn from your experiences and maybe we can heal together. Bless you for loving so much to hurt so bad...... Take care.

 

[snugglecat]

I'm so sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers go out to you during this difficult time.

RIP Rizzo

 

[jcat]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Rizzo sounds like he was quite a character, and it's no wonder that he's left a void in your life. RIP, Rizzo.

 

[Loving Mickey]

I am so sorry on the loss of your precious Rizzo. Also, truly sorry on the loss of your husband. What a terrible blow to your heart.
I know first hand how a cat can help you cope with a terrible loss. A few years back, both my mom and husband were very ill at the same time. I kept running from hospital to hospital, as they were not in the same one. Long story short, my mom didn't make it and she passed. Luckily, my husband got well and is still doing good today. The point I am trying to make is that I know how one cat can be there for you.
My Mickey was that cat for me. He was there through the many months of their illness and my mom's passing. He helped me to survive that loss. He was always around to help me cope and to love me.
Then I felt I couldn't help save him when he became ill. I have always felt I let him down. He was my best friend and so loyal.He is sorely missed six months later.
I wanted to relay my story to you to let you know I do understand what Rizzo meant and still means to you. He was a huge part of your life and always will be. He will remain in your heart forever.
RIP Sweet Rizzo!
Play with my Mickey now!

 

[riley1]

Thank you all for your caring comments & stories. My vet called today to see how I was doing and to ask when I wanted to pick out an urn for Rizzo.  Went; but could not find one special enough for him.  They told me to look online & they would make the transfer when I received it.  I did pick out a paw print necklace that they will seal with a little of his hair.  Was given a card with condolences from the staff members who knew us and cards with his paw print that they had taken from him.  Just opened it and started sobbing again.

Earlier the vet had told me the first shot hurt because I didn't give him anytime to relax after I brought him out.  I wanted them to do it right away to save him stress and I knew if I turned him & saw his little face I would not be able to proceed.  Now I have another thing to blame myself for. Too fast; I should have given him a little time.  Well, at least now he is on the other side & nothing can hurt him.

I may be taking a cat home who needs time out of the shelter.  We are no kill so some of the poor things are there for months waiting for their new homes.  I don't know whether this will help or make me more upset but I am going to give it a try.  No adopting for a long time, however.

Thank you for reading my long post and offering support.  I will try to do the same for others in my position.

 

[riley1]

Today was pretty bad.  This is just too final.  You feel at the time putting them to sleep is the kindest thing but then they are gone forever!  The realization came to me that I will never have him lying on me, kissing me, cuddling against me at night.  I can never pet or scratch him again.  We will not go outside in May and he will not run to me or come & stand on my feet.  We used to have what I called "love fests" when he could just not get enough petting & scratching. His feet would splay and his nose would run.  He would meow with in a special voice if I stopped.  More, more mom.    Then I thought about his end and how badly I handled it.  This morning I thought I was doing better because I did not cry just thinking about him but tonight I am sobbing.

I want him back so badly.

A few days after he died I started talking to him just like I did when he was here.  I come home and say "Rizzo, mommy is home", "Let's go to bed". I know he will not come so I think it would be better to stop this.  Waiting for a dream, sign or message of some sort.  Odd, but when he started getting really sick the middle of Nov. the light in the kitchen started to go on & off, sometimes burning out the bulbs.  Since he died it has been working perfectly.

Here is the nut case part.  My only hope is that he will be able to reincarnate and come back to me. Silly!  If this were at all true I would want him to show up as one of my fosters as a little black & white kitty with green eyes.  I am told we would never find him this way.  Have read stories about this and think the universe should just send them back to me.  Has anyone felt that their kitty has come back in another body?

In addition I am looking for an urn for his ashes and can't find one special enough for him or maybe I just don't want to do it.

I hope others on this site are not going through this as well and are finding some peace.  I just can't.

Thanks for listening!

 

[kittykatgurl777]

I know it is so very hard...its a killing thing isn't it? The sadness, the heartbreak, the emptiness, the realization that they are gone, forever. Its too much sometimes. I honestly don't know how we survive it. I had to euthanize my precious Zen...It was an awful day...he was very sick, no one could really figure out why at the time but it was stomach cancer. He wouldn't eat, and finally he could barely walk or even stand up. Still I didn't know what I wanted to do, but he was likely on his way out and I was terrified he would die in while I was asleep or not at home. So I decided to do it, I still wonder if I made the right decision...and it hurts. So I really do understand...but it really IS the kindest thing to do. I know, it sucks to hear that...and we love them so much we just want to hang on...no matter the cost...but sometimes we just have to know we are doing the right thing ...for them...in any case my heart goes out to you, and when the time is right a new kitty will come into your life and you will love it for who it is...and you will always remember your special baby...he's left his  paw prints on your heart forever. Hugs to you.

 

[Loving Mickey]

I am feeling pretty down myself, as I find myself missing my precious Mickey so much. I understand how you both feel. It is so heart breaking when we lose our special kitty. My Mickey passed last July but it feels like just yesterday. I know they say it gets easier with time. I don't see that. I miss Mickey more than ever and it is over six months now. He did pass naturally at home so I didn't need to make that decision.
However, he is still gone forever and the pain is the same. I find myself talking to him also. I kiss his picture good night every night, telling him how much I love and miss him.
Believe me, I know it hurts. I do hope the pain eases up one day for all of us who are suffering over the loss of our kitties.
Please Take Care and know you are not alone.
We all can feel and understand your pain!

 

[rosiemac]

This is so heartbreaking to read, because l know l would feel the same if l lost one of mine 

Remember, as long as you still think of them, they live on in your heart forever 

 

[flowerdew]

I am so sorry. My loss is coming up on a year and a half now, but so much of what you say still resonates with me so strongly. I feel like you want to talk, just talk about Rizzo, small things and big things and normal things and crazy things. I did, when Puck passed, but I felt that even my most patient, understanding friends grew frustrated with it quickly. So I just want you to know that I'm listening, whatever you have to say. If it helps, here are some things I've been thinking about lately, brought on by some of the things you have posted.

We moved into this house in February 2013, and Puck passed away that following August. It wasn't until after he was gone that I really appreciated how strongly he influenced the decision to buy this house. It's a house full of windows, and every window had steps under it for an arthritic cat to climb. There were bird feeders outside all the windows to lure birds and squirrels and chipmunks over to entertain him. "Cat TV has got a pretty good episode on today," my housemate would email me at work with a picture of him staring transfixed at a chipmunk (his favorite) less than a foot away.

We were determined to have a two story house, so that Puck had an area all his own away from the dogs. With Puck gone, it was pointless. I felt isolated and sequestered up there, and avoided the rooms I set up for the two of us.

Since then, I've finished those rooms, painted and furnished. I put in a couch in Puck's room, high legs so he could climb under it, broad cushions along the back so he could lounge along them and look out at the deck. He had been gone almost a year when the couch arrived, and it's lounged on by another kitten now. It's remarkable how much guilt and sorrow can be brought on by a new couch.

You had asked in another thread if anyone had used an animal communicator. I haven't - I'm science-minded, too, but I'm also afraid. While Puck was alive, we were in perfect sync. We adored each other and preferred each other's company above all others. But my mom has always called children "little hostages", in that their whole world depends on you, and they have to hope that you have their best interests at heart. I was always so conscious of Puck in that same way: he got what I gave him. He was so important to me. But to him, I was everything.

Did I always do my best for him? Did I always make the best decision, and not just the easiest? After he died, I became overwhelmed with the fear that he knew more now, and that he was angry at me. That my ordinariness in other areas of my life, that my failures were apparent to him now. That he realized that I wasn't as special as he had believed I was, and that he was angry. If that's true, I don't think I could stand to hear it.

One night, maybe a week after he passed, I saw the shadow of a cat in the moonlight, sitting at the top of one of his sets of stairs, looking out the window, like I had seen him do any number of times before. There are all sorts of trees out that window, and their leaves make for more shadow than light there. Any fortuitous arrangement could have thrown up that particular vision. The window was maybe 20 feet away, but I couldn't bring myself to walk over to see.

My housemate says that he's the one supernatural presence we would welcome here. But in the 18 months since, he hasn't been back.

I hope you're doing okay today, and don't have much reason to come here. But if you need to talk about Rizzo, about anything at all, we're listening.

 

[riley1]

KittyKatGurl

Thank you for your reply.  I know all about not eating!  This started a few years ago and got so much worse in the last six months.  I would offer every kind of food under the sun but he could not eat.  When  I finally was ready to admit that he had stomach/intestinal cancer and the vet said we had some time I would put down wet food until I ran out of all his bowls, my small bowls/plates and 9 different kinds of Party Time treats on small paper plates); the only kind he liked.  Sometimes would not eat during the day but eat a little food while I was sleeping.  This was such a relief!  However, it was always a different food every day.  I tried, tuna, baby food, chicken, cooked eggs, you name it I tried it.  It was not until the night I came home from work (wish I had not gone) and found him in pain that I decided Monday was the day.  Like I said in another post, I really botched the whole thing.

I just did not want to do it but was not going to let him go in pain any longer.  The specialist vet wanted to cut him open to confirm the cancer but I would never had allowed this either.  They could not find any tumors or problems with his other organs with the tests & eventually said that there was nothing else he could have.  I want to believe this was a selfless act that we had to do for them.  I could have waited a few more days but felt waiting & knowing I had to do it was painful as well.  When I first believed that he was leaving me I cried for two days.  He let me know that he was not having that & would get up & leave.  So there was no way to cry at home.

I really appreciate your telling me your feelings & story.  They really stole our hearts!

 

[riley1]

Thank you, Loving Mickey.  Of course he is still in your heart!  The person on the ASPCA  Hotline said that grieving pets is harder than grieving people because the relationship is unconditional.

 

[riley1]

Flowerdew, I will PM you tomorrow.  Thank you!

 

[di and bob]

I think most of us really just learn to live with the heartache, I know at times it seems unending. I have to purposely turn my mind away and think of something else,thinking of all the should haves, could haves does nothing but bring more heartache. Having my two remaining babies definitely helps, cats have a way of demanding your affections, they know that life goes on and is for the living. As for reincarnation, why not? I know for a fact that when a living creature dies, their 'essence' (my way of explaining) leaves their bodies and returns to nature, that's why they don't look or 'feel' the same way to us. Why could it not return as another little soul? Keep watch, if you feel it will be a black and white baby with green eyes, I believe one will appear one day, who can say positively it couldn't happen? Sometimes I believe that a love is bonded so greatly between two souls that it can never be tore apart.There WILL be a reunion in this world or the next. My heart breaks for what you are going through, please continue to reach out to others who understand your pain, it helps. Take care.......

 

[riley1]

Thank you all for your comments.  I guess I do need to continue to talk about my Rizzo; his beauty, intelligence and the very special bond we had. More like an old married couple than a cat & a human.  We did fight over the peeing all over & the constant need to go outside.  Then we made up.  I felt that he should understand he was ruining my stuff & taking up so much time away from me doing "human" stuff.  How could a little cat understand such things? But maybe he did.  About 4 months  before he died he stopped peeing & begging to go out.  This was Sept. and prime outside time.  I thought maybe he was too sick but that never had stopped him before.  As  I mentioned in another post, when I talked with him before he died, the first thing he said was that he was sorry about the peeing & wanting to go outside.  Because of the cost I had not used this animal communicator for many years so there is no way she could have know this.  It appears that our cats  understand more than one would think. I am so sorry I called him "my little monster".  Other than those two problems he was a perfectly behaved cat; never got on the food tables/counters or caused any trouble at all.

Most posts I have seen people comment just a couple times on their loss.  I know I am probably boring you guys to death but other people do not understand.  Even with my husband, people who had not had this experience, would want me to more on and change the subject if I started to talk about it.

Thank you!