- Joined
- May 21, 2020
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My 12.5 year old Petey died early yesterday morning and the grief and guilt is enormous. Hopefully by writing this someone can learn from my mistakes, but I’m mainly writing because I need to get this out.
I have 13 other cats(7 girls and 6 boys). Their ages are 12.5, 12, 12+, 12+, 10, 10, 9.5, 9.5, 9, 3, 2, 2, 1.5. That’s quite a bit more than I’d like, but it’s manageable. I live in a 2,000 sf 2 story home with lots of cat trees and other high places. In the last 10 years I’ve fostered about 30 other kittens, some at my home, others at my office.
About 6 months ago Petey and the female(Abby) the same age came down with a runny nose. They never missed a meal and their activity level was normal. I’ve tried a number of things to heal it, but nothing worked. My 10 year old female cat(Josie) has lived with chronic upper respiratory her whole life. The 3 vets I took her to weren’t able to tell me exactly what she has, but I assumed that it is calicivirus. When she was a young kitten I woke up and found her unable to stand so I rushed her to the vet and after a day there she recovered and hasn’t crashed like that again. She also has mild cerebellar hypoplasia and is a really small cat. Her whole life she’s only been able to eat my homemade raw recipe or she will be lethargic with drool and runny nose after eating something else. About 2 years ago I found out she can eat Freshpet Select and not feel sick so she’s eaten mostly that since then. All 3 of the sick cats have been on Freshpet Select since then because I thought the other 2 needed a better diet to heal. I’ve tried a homemade raw diet a number of times over the years, but Petey and one other cat never cared for it. So, except for the occasional raw diet, all my cats other than the chronic sickly one have been on mostly Friskies canned often supplemented with chopped raw kale and nutritional yeast. About 10-15% of their diet has been highest quality dry food.
About 20 days ago Petey’s slightly runny nose turned into a full-blown case and he was lethargic, had clogged nostrils, and wouldn’t eat. I’ve recently discovered that stress plays a part in triggering this. Petey and Abby are the 2 older cats that feel the most stress in the household although it’s never seemed a huge problem. I’ve never had to break up a cat fight and have never seen any fight injuries on my cats. Petey was the top cat in the hierarchy for the first few years of his life. I got him at the shelter as a companion to Abby. As some of the other male cats outgrew him he dropped in the hierarchy.
After a couple of days not eating I started to get concerned and pulled out Dr. Pitcairn’s book on natural healing for dogs and cats. Based on that I syringe fed him fresh kale and carrot juice and the turkey recipe for sick cats. Within 2-3 days he was back to his normal activity and was eating on his own again. Sadly this lasted for 3 days and then he crashed again on a Friday. Because he had lost the weight by not eating for 2 days I couldn’t let him miss any more meals. By this time I had separated him from the other cats in a spare bathroom. I went out and bought a better feeding syringe and a thermometer. When I took his temperature on Saturday it was 99.9, a little low. His breaths per minute were a little low too, about 15. His heart rate seemed about right. I told myself if those numbers weren’t higher by Monday I would take him to my cat vet. The temperature was up to 100.6 by Sunday night and the breaths up a little. I should have taken him in regardless because I needed the vet’s expertise. I didn’t because it looked like he was headed in the right direction with the syringe feeding of raw turkey recipe, raw beef liver, and fresh vegetable juice and also because the vet is so busy you have to leave the cat and pick up later. I’ll live with this regret forever. I had a week or more to take him in. I didn’t find out about tube feeding until after he died, but this is one of the options the vet surely would have given me.
I was able to feed him with a syringe pretty easily 3 times a day up until the night he passed. I was able to feed him ½ cup or a little more. He seemed to be keeping up his current weight, but not regaining the lost weight. I should have given him extra to help him gain back the weight. After each feeding I would lay him down on his side and he’d sleep soundly for 2-3 hours. Unfortunately I wasn’t there or was asleep when he’d awake and seek out shelter in tight spaces in the bathroom. He’d climb into the bathtub and wedge himself in between items I’d stored in there. I finally removed them because of fear he’d hurt himself. Up until the last couple of days he’d climb into the bathtub until I finally decided to crate him. I should have crated him earlier, but wanted to give him room to move around if he needed. He was miserable the last 10 days of his life and cried out several times a day. These were all red flags that I should have noticed and taken him to a vet. I guess the only reason I didn’t is the breaths per minute were about 18 and his temperature was 100.9 the day before he died. He seemed to be holding steady and I was waiting for the virus to play out. I’m self-employed and I’ll admit money did play a small part because if this had happened 3 months ago I wouldn’t have had the money to pay for any substantial vet bill, but currently money is not a problem.
The morning and afternoon before he passed I fed him 12.5 ml of juice, 12.5 ml of beef liver, and 25 ml of turkey, 100 ml total of the 130-150 he needed. When I got home that night he really resisted taking his food. I was able to give him the 12.5 ml of juice, but only 5 ml of the liver before I gave up. He seemed to be having trouble swallowing and acted like he was going to throw up. He seemed to have extra saliva in his mouth. I wonder if the food went down wrong earlier because I foolishly used the front of his mouth when he wouldn’t open on the side. I laid him down and went to sleep, setting my alarm for 2 hours later, around 2:00 AM. I didn’t hear the alarm or turned it off. When I woke up at 5:00 AM he was laying funny up against the side of the crate. It appeared he had just died.
If I’d taken him to the vet he’d almost surely be alive. I robbed him of 4-8 more years of a comfortable and happy life and robbed myself of 4-8 more years with him. I hope I never live to regret anything close to this again. I’ll never know what killed him in the end and that hurts too. Did pneumonia set in? Did he develop a bacterial infection? Was it anorexia? I wonder if he was dehydrated. He had a water bowl and he appeared to be drinking from it. I thought he was getting enough water from the juice and food anyway, but I don’t know. I noticed a few days into his second bout with the virus that he didn’t react when I moved my fingers around an inch from his eye and was scared he might have gone blind. Maybe he was just too sick to care. A few days later I made a poking move toward his eye and he flinched about a ¼ inch from his eye so I don’t know. His eyes were watery and darker than usual, but I didn’t notice sores. About a week ago I came home to find him in the bathtub sleeping funny. He couldn’t use his front legs and they were stiff. That scared me, but he was using them later that day. I just assumed the leg problem had something to do with how he was sleeping. The front leg problem came back the day before he died though.
Writing this and seeing all the missed opportunities to seek vet advice and do things better while caring for him at home is painful. Knowing I’ll never see him again on earth is made all the more painful because of the guilt I feel. I know I have to forgive myself to get past the guilt, but I can’t do it now. The constant what-ifs and the pain of losing him won’t allow it now, but over time I know it will. The pain of losing him is too raw now and has affected my sleeping and eating. I know that will get better as the days go by, but some pain of his loss will always remain in my heart forever. RIP sweetie Petey until I’m able to kiss and hug you again in heaven.
I have 13 other cats(7 girls and 6 boys). Their ages are 12.5, 12, 12+, 12+, 10, 10, 9.5, 9.5, 9, 3, 2, 2, 1.5. That’s quite a bit more than I’d like, but it’s manageable. I live in a 2,000 sf 2 story home with lots of cat trees and other high places. In the last 10 years I’ve fostered about 30 other kittens, some at my home, others at my office.
About 6 months ago Petey and the female(Abby) the same age came down with a runny nose. They never missed a meal and their activity level was normal. I’ve tried a number of things to heal it, but nothing worked. My 10 year old female cat(Josie) has lived with chronic upper respiratory her whole life. The 3 vets I took her to weren’t able to tell me exactly what she has, but I assumed that it is calicivirus. When she was a young kitten I woke up and found her unable to stand so I rushed her to the vet and after a day there she recovered and hasn’t crashed like that again. She also has mild cerebellar hypoplasia and is a really small cat. Her whole life she’s only been able to eat my homemade raw recipe or she will be lethargic with drool and runny nose after eating something else. About 2 years ago I found out she can eat Freshpet Select and not feel sick so she’s eaten mostly that since then. All 3 of the sick cats have been on Freshpet Select since then because I thought the other 2 needed a better diet to heal. I’ve tried a homemade raw diet a number of times over the years, but Petey and one other cat never cared for it. So, except for the occasional raw diet, all my cats other than the chronic sickly one have been on mostly Friskies canned often supplemented with chopped raw kale and nutritional yeast. About 10-15% of their diet has been highest quality dry food.
About 20 days ago Petey’s slightly runny nose turned into a full-blown case and he was lethargic, had clogged nostrils, and wouldn’t eat. I’ve recently discovered that stress plays a part in triggering this. Petey and Abby are the 2 older cats that feel the most stress in the household although it’s never seemed a huge problem. I’ve never had to break up a cat fight and have never seen any fight injuries on my cats. Petey was the top cat in the hierarchy for the first few years of his life. I got him at the shelter as a companion to Abby. As some of the other male cats outgrew him he dropped in the hierarchy.
After a couple of days not eating I started to get concerned and pulled out Dr. Pitcairn’s book on natural healing for dogs and cats. Based on that I syringe fed him fresh kale and carrot juice and the turkey recipe for sick cats. Within 2-3 days he was back to his normal activity and was eating on his own again. Sadly this lasted for 3 days and then he crashed again on a Friday. Because he had lost the weight by not eating for 2 days I couldn’t let him miss any more meals. By this time I had separated him from the other cats in a spare bathroom. I went out and bought a better feeding syringe and a thermometer. When I took his temperature on Saturday it was 99.9, a little low. His breaths per minute were a little low too, about 15. His heart rate seemed about right. I told myself if those numbers weren’t higher by Monday I would take him to my cat vet. The temperature was up to 100.6 by Sunday night and the breaths up a little. I should have taken him in regardless because I needed the vet’s expertise. I didn’t because it looked like he was headed in the right direction with the syringe feeding of raw turkey recipe, raw beef liver, and fresh vegetable juice and also because the vet is so busy you have to leave the cat and pick up later. I’ll live with this regret forever. I had a week or more to take him in. I didn’t find out about tube feeding until after he died, but this is one of the options the vet surely would have given me.
I was able to feed him with a syringe pretty easily 3 times a day up until the night he passed. I was able to feed him ½ cup or a little more. He seemed to be keeping up his current weight, but not regaining the lost weight. I should have given him extra to help him gain back the weight. After each feeding I would lay him down on his side and he’d sleep soundly for 2-3 hours. Unfortunately I wasn’t there or was asleep when he’d awake and seek out shelter in tight spaces in the bathroom. He’d climb into the bathtub and wedge himself in between items I’d stored in there. I finally removed them because of fear he’d hurt himself. Up until the last couple of days he’d climb into the bathtub until I finally decided to crate him. I should have crated him earlier, but wanted to give him room to move around if he needed. He was miserable the last 10 days of his life and cried out several times a day. These were all red flags that I should have noticed and taken him to a vet. I guess the only reason I didn’t is the breaths per minute were about 18 and his temperature was 100.9 the day before he died. He seemed to be holding steady and I was waiting for the virus to play out. I’m self-employed and I’ll admit money did play a small part because if this had happened 3 months ago I wouldn’t have had the money to pay for any substantial vet bill, but currently money is not a problem.
The morning and afternoon before he passed I fed him 12.5 ml of juice, 12.5 ml of beef liver, and 25 ml of turkey, 100 ml total of the 130-150 he needed. When I got home that night he really resisted taking his food. I was able to give him the 12.5 ml of juice, but only 5 ml of the liver before I gave up. He seemed to be having trouble swallowing and acted like he was going to throw up. He seemed to have extra saliva in his mouth. I wonder if the food went down wrong earlier because I foolishly used the front of his mouth when he wouldn’t open on the side. I laid him down and went to sleep, setting my alarm for 2 hours later, around 2:00 AM. I didn’t hear the alarm or turned it off. When I woke up at 5:00 AM he was laying funny up against the side of the crate. It appeared he had just died.
If I’d taken him to the vet he’d almost surely be alive. I robbed him of 4-8 more years of a comfortable and happy life and robbed myself of 4-8 more years with him. I hope I never live to regret anything close to this again. I’ll never know what killed him in the end and that hurts too. Did pneumonia set in? Did he develop a bacterial infection? Was it anorexia? I wonder if he was dehydrated. He had a water bowl and he appeared to be drinking from it. I thought he was getting enough water from the juice and food anyway, but I don’t know. I noticed a few days into his second bout with the virus that he didn’t react when I moved my fingers around an inch from his eye and was scared he might have gone blind. Maybe he was just too sick to care. A few days later I made a poking move toward his eye and he flinched about a ¼ inch from his eye so I don’t know. His eyes were watery and darker than usual, but I didn’t notice sores. About a week ago I came home to find him in the bathtub sleeping funny. He couldn’t use his front legs and they were stiff. That scared me, but he was using them later that day. I just assumed the leg problem had something to do with how he was sleeping. The front leg problem came back the day before he died though.
Writing this and seeing all the missed opportunities to seek vet advice and do things better while caring for him at home is painful. Knowing I’ll never see him again on earth is made all the more painful because of the guilt I feel. I know I have to forgive myself to get past the guilt, but I can’t do it now. The constant what-ifs and the pain of losing him won’t allow it now, but over time I know it will. The pain of losing him is too raw now and has affected my sleeping and eating. I know that will get better as the days go by, but some pain of his loss will always remain in my heart forever. RIP sweetie Petey until I’m able to kiss and hug you again in heaven.