The saddest day of my life

Petey's Dad

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My 12.5 year old Petey died early yesterday morning and the grief and guilt is enormous. Hopefully by writing this someone can learn from my mistakes, but I’m mainly writing because I need to get this out.

I have 13 other cats(7 girls and 6 boys). Their ages are 12.5, 12, 12+, 12+, 10, 10, 9.5, 9.5, 9, 3, 2, 2, 1.5. That’s quite a bit more than I’d like, but it’s manageable. I live in a 2,000 sf 2 story home with lots of cat trees and other high places. In the last 10 years I’ve fostered about 30 other kittens, some at my home, others at my office.

About 6 months ago Petey and the female(Abby) the same age came down with a runny nose. They never missed a meal and their activity level was normal. I’ve tried a number of things to heal it, but nothing worked. My 10 year old female cat(Josie) has lived with chronic upper respiratory her whole life. The 3 vets I took her to weren’t able to tell me exactly what she has, but I assumed that it is calicivirus. When she was a young kitten I woke up and found her unable to stand so I rushed her to the vet and after a day there she recovered and hasn’t crashed like that again. She also has mild cerebellar hypoplasia and is a really small cat. Her whole life she’s only been able to eat my homemade raw recipe or she will be lethargic with drool and runny nose after eating something else. About 2 years ago I found out she can eat Freshpet Select and not feel sick so she’s eaten mostly that since then. All 3 of the sick cats have been on Freshpet Select since then because I thought the other 2 needed a better diet to heal. I’ve tried a homemade raw diet a number of times over the years, but Petey and one other cat never cared for it. So, except for the occasional raw diet, all my cats other than the chronic sickly one have been on mostly Friskies canned often supplemented with chopped raw kale and nutritional yeast. About 10-15% of their diet has been highest quality dry food.

About 20 days ago Petey’s slightly runny nose turned into a full-blown case and he was lethargic, had clogged nostrils, and wouldn’t eat. I’ve recently discovered that stress plays a part in triggering this. Petey and Abby are the 2 older cats that feel the most stress in the household although it’s never seemed a huge problem. I’ve never had to break up a cat fight and have never seen any fight injuries on my cats. Petey was the top cat in the hierarchy for the first few years of his life. I got him at the shelter as a companion to Abby. As some of the other male cats outgrew him he dropped in the hierarchy.

After a couple of days not eating I started to get concerned and pulled out Dr. Pitcairn’s book on natural healing for dogs and cats. Based on that I syringe fed him fresh kale and carrot juice and the turkey recipe for sick cats. Within 2-3 days he was back to his normal activity and was eating on his own again. Sadly this lasted for 3 days and then he crashed again on a Friday. Because he had lost the weight by not eating for 2 days I couldn’t let him miss any more meals. By this time I had separated him from the other cats in a spare bathroom. I went out and bought a better feeding syringe and a thermometer. When I took his temperature on Saturday it was 99.9, a little low. His breaths per minute were a little low too, about 15. His heart rate seemed about right. I told myself if those numbers weren’t higher by Monday I would take him to my cat vet. The temperature was up to 100.6 by Sunday night and the breaths up a little. I should have taken him in regardless because I needed the vet’s expertise. I didn’t because it looked like he was headed in the right direction with the syringe feeding of raw turkey recipe, raw beef liver, and fresh vegetable juice and also because the vet is so busy you have to leave the cat and pick up later. I’ll live with this regret forever. I had a week or more to take him in. I didn’t find out about tube feeding until after he died, but this is one of the options the vet surely would have given me.

I was able to feed him with a syringe pretty easily 3 times a day up until the night he passed. I was able to feed him ½ cup or a little more. He seemed to be keeping up his current weight, but not regaining the lost weight. I should have given him extra to help him gain back the weight. After each feeding I would lay him down on his side and he’d sleep soundly for 2-3 hours. Unfortunately I wasn’t there or was asleep when he’d awake and seek out shelter in tight spaces in the bathroom. He’d climb into the bathtub and wedge himself in between items I’d stored in there. I finally removed them because of fear he’d hurt himself. Up until the last couple of days he’d climb into the bathtub until I finally decided to crate him. I should have crated him earlier, but wanted to give him room to move around if he needed. He was miserable the last 10 days of his life and cried out several times a day. These were all red flags that I should have noticed and taken him to a vet. I guess the only reason I didn’t is the breaths per minute were about 18 and his temperature was 100.9 the day before he died. He seemed to be holding steady and I was waiting for the virus to play out. I’m self-employed and I’ll admit money did play a small part because if this had happened 3 months ago I wouldn’t have had the money to pay for any substantial vet bill, but currently money is not a problem.

The morning and afternoon before he passed I fed him 12.5 ml of juice, 12.5 ml of beef liver, and 25 ml of turkey, 100 ml total of the 130-150 he needed. When I got home that night he really resisted taking his food. I was able to give him the 12.5 ml of juice, but only 5 ml of the liver before I gave up. He seemed to be having trouble swallowing and acted like he was going to throw up. He seemed to have extra saliva in his mouth. I wonder if the food went down wrong earlier because I foolishly used the front of his mouth when he wouldn’t open on the side. I laid him down and went to sleep, setting my alarm for 2 hours later, around 2:00 AM. I didn’t hear the alarm or turned it off. When I woke up at 5:00 AM he was laying funny up against the side of the crate. It appeared he had just died.

If I’d taken him to the vet he’d almost surely be alive. I robbed him of 4-8 more years of a comfortable and happy life and robbed myself of 4-8 more years with him. I hope I never live to regret anything close to this again. I’ll never know what killed him in the end and that hurts too. Did pneumonia set in? Did he develop a bacterial infection? Was it anorexia? I wonder if he was dehydrated. He had a water bowl and he appeared to be drinking from it. I thought he was getting enough water from the juice and food anyway, but I don’t know. I noticed a few days into his second bout with the virus that he didn’t react when I moved my fingers around an inch from his eye and was scared he might have gone blind. Maybe he was just too sick to care. A few days later I made a poking move toward his eye and he flinched about a ¼ inch from his eye so I don’t know. His eyes were watery and darker than usual, but I didn’t notice sores. About a week ago I came home to find him in the bathtub sleeping funny. He couldn’t use his front legs and they were stiff. That scared me, but he was using them later that day. I just assumed the leg problem had something to do with how he was sleeping. The front leg problem came back the day before he died though.

Writing this and seeing all the missed opportunities to seek vet advice and do things better while caring for him at home is painful. Knowing I’ll never see him again on earth is made all the more painful because of the guilt I feel. I know I have to forgive myself to get past the guilt, but I can’t do it now. The constant what-ifs and the pain of losing him won’t allow it now, but over time I know it will. The pain of losing him is too raw now and has affected my sleeping and eating. I know that will get better as the days go by, but some pain of his loss will always remain in my heart forever. RIP sweetie Petey until I’m able to kiss and hug you again in heaven.
 

FeebysOwner

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I am so sorry! :alright:You will never know if you had done something different whether or not that would have changed the outcome. 'What if's' are always there, regardless. What I do know is that Petey is no longer suffering, and would want you to focus on his brothers and sisters. If you've learned anything from this experience and can use that to the betterment of your other cats, Petey will be happy knowing he helped you do that - he has a different perspective now. He is not with you, but he is OK. RIP baby Petey. :angel:

Edit: I guess I should tell you that I know/feel your pain. I lost Tawny at 15 to FIP, and Gracie at 12 to cancer. There will always be 'what ifs' for me too.
 
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Sorry about Petey.

I suggest you visit the "crossing the bridge" forum on this website. Read the "thoughts for grieving cats lovers", its the first thread in the forum. You might find some comfort there and will undoubtedly find support and understanding.

You said that stress exacerbated Petey's health issues. Taking him to the vet may have not have helped. At least he passed at home, in familar surroundings and in relative comfort....all we can hope for.

Turn your love to the other cats. They may also be grieing his loss and in need of your comfort.
 
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Petey's Dad

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Thank you for the condolences and wisdom, FeebysOwner. This experience makes me want to never not be able to care for a sick cat. Like I said if this would have happened 3 months ago paying a large pet bill and spending a lot of time at home with him would have been tough. Thankfully I'm able to earn a substantial enough living to always care for my cats comfortably. Procrastination has put me in a bind financially a few times over the years. With so many cats to care for I can use this experience as motivation to always earn enough to put my mind at ease. Thank you again.
 
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Petey's Dad

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Thank you for your condolences and wisdom, Purr-fect. I will definitely take a look at "crossing the bridge". I've lost one other cat(in 2007 just before I got Petey and Abby) and I remember reading "crossing the bridge" forums here or another forum. It was helpful then. That cat was an old cat that followed me to my door one day. I had her for five more years and didn't get another cat while she was alive because she was deaf and her previous owner had declawed her. She could barely jump on the bathroom counter when I got her, but couldn't make the kitchen counter. If she hadn't followed me home I'm not sure if I'd have found my deep love for cats. I was a little allergic to our cat growing up and had never sought out one as an adult. As an adult I'm not allergic at all. Thank you again.
 

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I am sorry for your loss. You really did try to take care of him and piecing together a diagnosis for a cat can be very difficult with hindsight always being much clearer....but then you never know if Petey would have been able to be saved even if you had rushed him to the vet.

It seems to me that you are saying that if you had taken him to a vet there would have been more closure and that is certainly a valid point. You have 4 young cats; possibly look into pet insurance as a back up for emergencies.
 
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Petey's Dad

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FeebysOwner, I'm sorry for your loss of Tawny and Gracie. You obviously know what the pain is like and your advice has been helpful.
 
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Petey's Dad

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Thank you for your condolences and wisdom, fionasmom. It's helpful hearing from people that have so much cat experience. You're right. I think there would be more closure and I believe if there was nothing underlying that he would be alive. Possibly there was something underlying though. Pet insurance is a good idea to look into.
 
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Petey's Dad

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Petey was, and all of your cat are, blessed to have you. Just as you are blessed with all of them. We never forget our dear cats, nor do they forget us.
Thank you for that. Although I could never love them any more, I'll use this experience to appreciate them even more.
 
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Petey's Dad

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Thank you for that. Although I could never love them any more, I'll use this experience to appreciate them even more.
To clarify, I already love my cats as much as humanly possible, but sometimes I haven't appreciated them like I should. I guess that comes with having 14 cats and 1 or more always needing attention, but I plan to focus mostly on my cats when I'm home and cut out all the wasteful activity that takes time away from them.
 

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Oh, I know. Feeby (15+ yo) sometimes REALLY gets on my nerves. She occasionally 'SQUAWKS' incessantly for reasons beyond me. There are times I would like to 'deck her' for it. And, I am only talking about one cat!! So, you have nerves of steel to take care of so many.
 
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Petey's Dad

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Oh, I know. Feeby (15+ yo) sometimes REALLY gets on my nerves. She occasionally 'SQUAWKS' incessantly for reasons beyond me. There are times I would like to 'deck her' for it. And, I am only talking about one cat!! So, you have nerves of steel to take care of so many.
Having that many cats has taught me greater patience, but I do lose patience occasionally. I've learned to navigate them without tripping at meal time. There seems to always be one or more laying on me, one wanting to lick me or headbutt me, or one wanting to be petted. I am grateful to have their affection, but sometimes it gets a bit much.
 

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I will only say this: I'll bet that never once did you say to yourself, "I don't want to deal with the hassle or expense of a vet, I'll just deal with this at home and let the chips fall where they may." I'll bet that you did what you thought was good and right at the time, and that you certainly went above and beyond, mixing his "juice meals," and being loving to him. That being the case, even though hindsight is 20/20, you have no cause for guilt. All any of us can ever do is the best we know and can at the time.

Petey is now In That Place Where All Things Are Known, and he knows that you loved him and fought for him.
 
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Petey's Dad

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I will only say this: I'll bet that never once did you say to yourself, "I don't want to deal with the hassle or expense of a vet, I'll just deal with this at home and let the chips fall where they may." I'll bet that you did what you thought was good and right at the time, and that you certainly went above and beyond, mixing his "juice meals," and being loving to him. That being the case, even though hindsight is 20/20, you have no cause for guilt. All any of us can ever do is the best we know and can at the time.

Petey is now In That Place Where All Things Are Known, and he knows that you loved him and fought for him.
That's so kind of you to say. It means a lot and helps a lot. Thank you, Mamanyt1953.
 

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I think we ALL have regrets and second-guess ourselves when a fur kid passes. Even if we have taken them to vets, that doesn't always help - sometimes I think it hurts - and they die anyway. So what you're feeling is purr-fectly normal. At least Petey had a loving home! (My only suggestion would be: 14 cats is a lot of cats! It might not be a bad idea to, as they pass, not add more to the mix so that you have more of both money for their health care and time and attention to lavish on each of them.) It hurts a lot at first, but in time this, too, shall pass.
 

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I am so sorry that you had to experience this, but you took such good loving care of him, no one could've done more, and it sounds like even if you had taken him to the vet he was suffering and letting you know it, if cats are sick but aren't too bad or even at times are bad they are masters at hiding their pain but your little guy was obviously in pain and not able to hide it. It surely is normal to think "I should've seen this earlier" or "I should've done this", we've all been there and that is part of the wicked game that grief will play with you for awhile, it will make you question yourself and what you did but you did so much good for that little friend, I don't think anyone could've done much more.

With time the pain will settle down, but the good memories will last forever, and you will cross paths again one day and he will say "thank you for taking such good care of me when I was with you on Earth".

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

I am sorry for your loss, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you......:alright: :grouphug2: :rbheart:
 
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Petey's Dad

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I think we ALL have regrets and second-guess ourselves when a fur kid passes. Even if we have taken them to vets, that doesn't always help - sometimes I think it hurts - and they die anyway. So what you're feeling is purr-fectly normal. At least Petey had a loving home! (My only suggestion would be: 14 cats is a lot of cats! It might not be a bad idea to, as they pass, not add more to the mix so that you have more of both money for their health care and time and attention to lavish on each of them.) It hurts a lot at first, but in time this, too, shall pass.
Thank you for the kind words of advice, all4mom. I agree with you about the number of cats and definitely don't plan on adding more! The perfect number for me would be 4-8. Keep in mind that taking care of 1 dog takes the same amount of time as caring 3 cats. I have been responsible since 2009 for 2 cat colonies. I still feed at one and paid for the food at the other until 2017, but am still responsible for any kittens that are born there. That's how I ended up with so many foster cats. About 1/3 of the foster cats I eventually gave to rescue groups and they handled the adoption. We've trapped and fixed 45-50 cats at the 2 colonies over the years. Thankfully there haven't been any kittens in a 1.5 years because we finally trapped and fixed all the cats. I went from 3 to 11 cats in 1 year(2010-2011) because it was hard to find rescue groups to take in cats then. If I could have found homes for the cats and kittens that year, either adopting them out myself or getting a rescue group to take them, I would have only added 4. 3 kittens that I decided to keep pretty soon after I took them in and another kitten that would have been pretty hard to adopt out because he was 3-4 months old when I trapped him. He's not feral now, but on the non-feral scale of affection he's about a 3 out of 10. I had the same 11 cats until 2016 when I by chance found a good home for 1 of the cats that I never intended to keep because she hates other cats. She loves people though. I have 1 other cat that I'd be willing to adopt out because she hates cats, but loves people. She would live in my lap if she could and would be licking me a good portion of the day. Unfortunately she's almost 10, but she is so healthy I think the chances of her living past 20 are pretty good.

I intended to stay at 10 for many years, but ended up keeping 1 cat each from 4 litters from 2017-2018 because they hadn't found a home after a couple of months and 3 of them would have had a hard time finding a home because of their people affection level at the time. 2 out of the 4 are super affectionate with me. I had 2 litters of 3 each in summer 2018 and finding them homes was exhausting. Once I got down to 2 left and a lady that sounded promising cancelled I just gave up. At the time both their affection levels weren't what I hoped they'd be, but 1 ended up being a lap cat. A male using craigslist to adopt out cats is much more difficult because when you reply to their inquiry to your ad they usually lose interest. Most inquirers to craigslist cat ads are female and are afraid to come to a male's house it seems.
 
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Petey's Dad

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I am so sorry that you had to experience this, but you took such good loving care of him, no one could've done more, and it sounds like even if you had taken him to the vet he was suffering and letting you know it, if cats are sick but aren't too bad or even at times are bad they are masters at hiding their pain but your little guy was obviously in pain and not able to hide it. It surely is normal to think "I should've seen this earlier" or "I should've done this", we've all been there and that is part of the wicked game that grief will play with you for awhile, it will make you question yourself and what you did but you did so much good for that little friend, I don't think anyone could've done much more.

With time the pain will settle down, but the good memories will last forever, and you will cross paths again one day and he will say "thank you for taking such good care of me when I was with you on Earth".

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

I am sorry for your loss, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you......:alright: :grouphug2: :rbheart:
Thank you for your condolences, les26. Your wise words are comforting. I will continue to use your words, and that of the others that have posted, over the next weeks as I heal from my tragic loss. Today is better than yesterday and I'm taking it one day at a time.
 
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