As many of you might know, I lost my two beloved cats Lola and Pallina in the last 18 months. Lola went to the Rainbow Bridge at the end of March 2017, Pallina two months ago today. After months of absolute devotion and dedication to their needs and medical issues, their diseases won over my stubborness. Their death left me devasted and in a state of deep desperation and depression. It's all so dark around me. Since a few days after Pallina's death, and until 15 days ago, I rescued at least 15 kittens in desperate conditions. One was in a waste bin with a damaged eye that needed to be surgically removed. The second was a victim of an abandonment and abuse, with a severe head trauma that caused him a temporary blindness and inability to walk. Then I found 6 few-weeks old dying kittens under a bush, one of them covered with larvae who were eating her alive. Then 3 kittens floating and almost drowning in a shallow pit. Then, after a night of heavy rain, I found a soaked tiny kitten. And two weeks ago I found 3 neglected kittens in a deserted courtyard close to home. All of them have been re-homed after the medical care from the vets. I fostered the first two kittens at home. It was three days following Pallina's death. I was still devastated, and I wouldn't have accepted a new cat at home unless they were in a desperate need of help, like those two. But I treated them like foster cats, I just gave them food, the medicines for their ailments, and the minimum attention. I tried not to get attached to them, and I succeded in this. About 4 weeks later I adopted them out, I didn't feel that sorry for losing them. When I rescued the soaked kittens and took her to the vet, the vet said she was 4 months old, though she was weighing just 780 grams (27.5 oz). This tiny kitten was hospitalized in a cage at the practice. I was there, and saw a micro kitten in the next cage and I hopelessly fell in love with her. She is completely black, with a big head and a very tiny body, big yellow eyes, big ears. She misses a back foot and has chronic health issues, despite her young age. She's just 4 months old and she's just 20 oz. Not a calendar beauty, I'd say, but to me she's absolutely gorgeous! I fell in love with her and felt that I could have been the right parent for her. Since that day, I went to visit her after work, so that I could cuddle and kiss her for at least half an hour. She got very attached to me and was happy to see me everyday. She would crawl under my shirt, she would hug me around my neck and would kiss my chin. Her big yellow eyes were always staring at mine. And she hated when I had to go, she just clung to my shirt with her tiny claws. And she would go back to the very end of her cage, head down, with her sad eyes... These daily sessions of mutual love were helping me to get out of my depression and I was starting seeing some light again. I asked the vet to adopt her, but the vet told me the tiny kitten was under the management of a rescue group and I should have asked them to have her. So I called them, and after a long and hard interview over the phone, they had the impression I wasn't the right person for her. Despite my years-long experience and my well-know dedication to cats, they decided not to give me that poor kitten. I am sure that I would have been the right person for all her needs, I have the necessary patience to give her two sessions of nebulizer a day for her chronic rhinitis. I'm not that sure they will find another good parent anytime soon. I had big plans for her, and in my mind she was on my lap, purring and loving me already. They broke my heart and I fell into desperation and depression again. I decided to take another kitten out of the cage, so I chose to save the one I took in on the day of rain. This would have had thousands of chances, she's cute, loving, sweet and all. The other one won't have a chance and will grow old inside a small and dark cage. It's 5 days since I took my new kitten home. She is absolutely in love with me, she covers my faces with kisses, gives me tens of headbutts, kneads on me, purrs at me, follows me all over the house, cries when there's a closed door between me and her. You could say she loves me already. But I'm not feeling anything for her. Yet. My heart is with the one who is still in that cage. I wake up and think of her, she's on my mind all day long, I think of her when I go to bed and can't sleep. I cry every now and then. I'm treating my new kitten as she was just another foster cat. She is living in the same room where the other two foster kittens were, with the same temporary dishes and litter tray they had. I can't help myself doing differently at the moment. I haven't given her a name yet. I didn't even update my signature over here. Please, tell me that the love for her will come eventually. Was it too early for me to adopt a new kitten? Should I rehome her now, before she gets too attached to me? How could I forget the kitten I fell in love with? Thanks for reading through this long post!