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Tell Me That The Love Will Come

Discussion in 'The Cat's Meow' started by Antonio65, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. Antonio65

    Antonio65 Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

    Feb 27, 2017
    Orbassano - Italy
    As many of you might know, I lost my two beloved cats Lola and Pallina in the last 18 months. Lola went to the Rainbow Bridge at the end of March 2017, Pallina two months ago today.
    After months of absolute devotion and dedication to their needs and medical issues, their diseases won over my stubborness.
    Their death left me devasted and in a state of deep desperation and depression. It's all so dark around me.

    Since a few days after Pallina's death, and until 15 days ago, I rescued at least 15 kittens in desperate conditions.
    One was in a waste bin with a damaged eye that needed to be surgically removed.
    The second was a victim of an abandonment and abuse, with a severe head trauma that caused him a temporary blindness and inability to walk.
    Then I found 6 few-weeks old dying kittens under a bush, one of them covered with larvae who were eating her alive.
    Then 3 kittens floating and almost drowning in a shallow pit.
    Then, after a night of heavy rain, I found a soaked tiny kitten.
    And two weeks ago I found 3 neglected kittens in a deserted courtyard close to home.

    All of them have been re-homed after the medical care from the vets.
    I fostered the first two kittens at home. It was three days following Pallina's death. I was still devastated, and I wouldn't have accepted a new cat at home unless they were in a desperate need of help, like those two. But I treated them like foster cats, I just gave them food, the medicines for their ailments, and the minimum attention. I tried not to get attached to them, and I succeded in this.
    About 4 weeks later I adopted them out, I didn't feel that sorry for losing them.

    When I rescued the soaked kittens and took her to the vet, the vet said she was 4 months old, though she was weighing just 780 grams (27.5 oz). This tiny kitten was hospitalized in a cage at the practice.
    I was there, and saw a micro kitten in the next cage and I hopelessly fell in love with her.
    She is completely black, with a big head and a very tiny body, big yellow eyes, big ears. She misses a back foot and has chronic health issues, despite her young age. She's just 4 months old and she's just 20 oz. Not a calendar beauty, I'd say, but to me she's absolutely gorgeous!

    I fell in love with her and felt that I could have been the right parent for her. Since that day, I went to visit her after work, so that I could cuddle and kiss her for at least half an hour. She got very attached to me and was happy to see me everyday. She would crawl under my shirt, she would hug me around my neck and would kiss my chin. Her big yellow eyes were always staring at mine. And she hated when I had to go, she just clung to my shirt with her tiny claws. And she would go back to the very end of her cage, head down, with her sad eyes... :(
    These daily sessions of mutual love were helping me to get out of my depression and I was starting seeing some light again.

    I asked the vet to adopt her, but the vet told me the tiny kitten was under the management of a rescue group and I should have asked them to have her.
    So I called them, and after a long and hard interview over the phone, they had the impression I wasn't the right person for her.
    Despite my years-long experience and my well-know dedication to cats, they decided not to give me that poor kitten. I am sure that I would have been the right person for all her needs, I have the necessary patience to give her two sessions of nebulizer a day for her chronic rhinitis.
    I'm not that sure they will find another good parent anytime soon.

    I had big plans for her, and in my mind she was on my lap, purring and loving me already.
    They broke my heart and I fell into desperation and depression again.

    I decided to take another kitten out of the cage, so I chose to save the one I took in on the day of rain. This would have had thousands of chances, she's cute, loving, sweet and all.
    The other one won't have a chance and will grow old inside a small and dark cage.

    It's 5 days since I took my new kitten home. She is absolutely in love with me, she covers my faces with kisses, gives me tens of headbutts, kneads on me, purrs at me, follows me all over the house, cries when there's a closed door between me and her. You could say she loves me already.

    But I'm not feeling anything for her. Yet.
    My heart is with the one who is still in that cage. I wake up and think of her, she's on my mind all day long, I think of her when I go to bed and can't sleep. I cry every now and then.

    I'm treating my new kitten as she was just another foster cat. She is living in the same room where the other two foster kittens were, with the same temporary dishes and litter tray they had. I can't help myself doing differently at the moment.
    I haven't given her a name yet. I didn't even update my signature over here.

    Please, tell me that the love for her will come eventually.
    Was it too early for me to adopt a new kitten?
    Should I rehome her now, before she gets too attached to me?
    How could I forget the kitten I fell in love with?

    Thanks for reading through this long post!
    rubysmama and PushPurrCatPaws purraised this.

  2. mightyboosh

    mightyboosh TCS Member Top Cat

    Jul 19, 2017
    Burnley, UK
    That sounds like a ridiculous decision by them. What were they thinking? If someone like yourself is not suitable then who the heck is? I'm quite indignant about this. Can you appeal? Can you get some sort of reference from your vet and try again?
    Anyhow, annoyance aside, I'm sure the love will come with the new one but your emotions are conflicted at the moment due to the other one. Personally, I would open yourself up to the new one and start the loving but at the same time badger the rescue place to re-consider. That's if your happy with two of course.
    It sounds as if your ready to adopt again, you have to rely on gut feelings for that.
    Good luck.

  3. di and bob

    di and bob TCS Member Top Cat

    Dec 12, 2012
    Nebraska, USA
    I would definitely get that recommendation and try again. If it is not to be, it won't be from not trying....really emphasize the bond that is between the two of you. Can you get a letter from the vet where the little one is at? They have surely seen how the little one responds to you and could put in a good word.
    Your heart is not opening to the other because it is involved right now with the other. I too, closed my heart to others when my Chrissy died, and in spite of it all, it happened. I love my babies now, they demanded to be loved.
    Antonio, I'll pray for you two to be a family, for God's will to be done. There just may be different, and though it is hard to believe, even better plans for this particular kitten.

  4. Antonio65

    Antonio65 Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

    Feb 27, 2017
    Orbassano - Italy
    I have learned that the rescue group had already asked the vets about me, and got absolutely good references and recommendation.
    But they decided that, despite the first sad decision and the fact that they know they had the wrong first impression about me, they are not willing to change their mind.

    The sick kitten would require most of my time and attention, time that I should steal from the healthy one, and it wouldn't be fair.
    Someone adviced me to adopt out the healthy one and take the sick one in, but this sounds really sleazy to me! :dunno:

    Someone said the same thing, probably there are better plans for her, but none of the people I know is ready to believe it.
    And anyway this won't happen soon. I don't think there's a long line of people pushing and fighting to have her :(

  5. artiemom

    artiemom Artie, my Angel; a part of my heart Top Cat

    Dec 22, 2014
    near Boston
    Antonio, my dear, dear friend....

    I know your heart is breaking about the black kitten. I do not know what the reasoning is behind the rescues denial of your adoption.. but I am going to relate what happened to me, a month or so ago...

    Perhaps it may give you a bit of an insight into what the rescue groups think.

    After Artie, I was devastated- completely.. missing kitty love.

    I called the shelter, wanting to return to volunteering. I had been visiting the kitties almost daily, before I officially called them.

    They felt it was a bit too early for me to get back into volunteering; but if I really felt ready, they would take me back.

    Weekly, I fell in love with one cat. When hat cat was adopted, I found another cat to love.. wanting to adopt them all. But the guy in charge of these cats, adopted them out to others.. I did not voice my intentions because I had my apartment renovations upcoming.

    Until, I found Tammy. Tammy was abused--still with a BB pellet in her, so frightened. I worked with her. I went in every other day to see her. She had issues: yes, more constipation issues, and was terrified of young men, and feet. But she knew me.. waiting for me.. I was the first person who could coax her out of her cage, into a world of love. She sat, cuddled, next to me. Tammy walked onto my lap...

    I felt the bond.

    However, this was a bad time for adopting.. due to the kitchen and bathrooms renovations. Not fair to take a scared cat home, under these circumstance. And knowing she had constipation issues.. I had just gone through that, with Artie.. Was I ready for this, again??

    Both the president and one of the adoption people said that Tammy was not a good choice for me.. that I was projecting my feelings/love for Artie onto Tammy.

    I felt that she was really damaged.. almost as much as I was, emotionally. And that I was the best person to deal with her. We had bonded.

    I quickly mentioned to the guy handling her adoption, that I was wanted her; but it would have to wait until October. He said to let him know....

    I was mentally preparing to adopt Tammy. I went in 3-4 times a week to see her.

    Imagine how I felt when, one day~~ in mid September, as I was leaving PetSmart, I ran into a very frail, elderly man, who looked shell-shocked at the cat scratchers. I offered to help him.

    We got to talking. He said he was adopting a cat that night. I offered to show him the scratchers in the adoption area.

    My shock was when I heard him say, "That is the cat I am adopting"- while pointing to Tammy. I could not believe that.

    We usually get an update when there is an impending adoption. This went through over night. Weird, I could not understand it. And why to such a frail elderly person???

    I took him in to see Tammy. Tammy was torn.. looking at both of us. She did not know who to go to... He could not understand it.. but was emphatic that he was adopting her.
    He said he spent over an hour with Tammy the morning before.

    Tammy did, chose him, but I did not give her any reason not to. I wanted to be impartial.. and if it was meant to be, it was meant to be.

    I was in tears.. I felt devastated, betrayed, and another loss.

    I went home, raised a ruckus.. asking all involved how/why this happened.

    Apparently, the guy handling Tammy's adoption researched this man, throughly, for 2 days.
    I even contacted the volunteer who was there when they met.

    This man, spent over 2 hours with Tammy. Tammy was all over him.
    He had just moved to his apartment, to be closer to family.
    He had cats for over 20 years. He is alone. He has family who are vouching for him. He has another prior adopter vouching for him.
    He has 2 daughters who were also interviewed as to what would happen to Tammy, if something were to happen to this guy.. All assured that Tammy would be taken care of...

    And the adoption guy, honestly said, that Tammy had been caged up too long--- 6,7 weeks and really could not wait another month in a cage. And to take into consideration her age: 6-7, with her issues...

    But that is why I wanted her... we were both damaged.. we understood...

    I shed so many tears. I really did.. I felt as if I was losing Artie, all over again....

    I kept being told that, this was not a good cat for me.. but my heart??? told me different... was I right?? I do not know..
    I was at a point in my life where I needed kitty love.. and needed to feel needed...

    Perhaps this was meant to be??
    Perhaps, I was chosen to allow/teach Tammy love, in order for her to get love.. to teach her that it is not a frightening world out there.. that there is love....
    The point of all of this story, is that: Sometimes the adoption people have senses of what is a good fit or not.. and being fair to the cats..
    Perhaps they felt you had been through so much, and did not want you to have to go through it again, with this little black one...

    Can you go back to visit the black kitty? Maybe, if they see how interested you are, and how you interact with her, they will change their minds...

    But remember.. all the expenses you went through with Lola and Pallina... Could it be that they want to spare you any more expenses and heartache.. especially so soon after Pallina???

    Please Try to open your heart to the new kitten.. do not treat her as a foster.. she is reaching out to you for love.

    Antonio, I know you have a huge heart.. I wonder if Pallina and Lola are sending you this healthy kitten, to love.. and love freely, without worry....

    And you will always be a rescuer.. You have been.. and will always be.. your heart is so huge..

    It may be that by loving, and having this kitten, you will be able to help so many more kitties who are in desperate need of help...

    I have to believe that things happen for a reason... I really have to believe in that. It is God's work... and God's plan.. I keep telling myself that... even though, I ask for help dealing with things.. it is God's will...

    Love to my dear friend...
    LisaT., angels mommy, rubysmama and 6 others purraised this.

  6. Antonio65

    Antonio65 Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

    Feb 27, 2017
    Orbassano - Italy
    The adoption people for this black kitten didn't express any concern about this to me.

    This is what I did.
    I sent outraged email to the staff and the president of the group.
    What came out was that the first impression with the woman who interviewed me over the phone was wrongly wrong.
    It came out that she actually approved me, but... she used the wrong voice tone with me over the phone and just forgot to tell me that I had been approved for nearly a week.
    Meanwhile I had adopted "my" soaked kitten and because I could adopt only one kitten, there was no room for another one, especially a kitten who needs lots of care and attention.
    They said that at that point their decision was not to give the kitten to me anymore.

    What I didn't write in my first post is that this tiny poor kitten was a good Lola's look-alike. The tiny kitten had the same attitude, the same light in her eyes and the same meow!
    It would have been like having to deal with Lola and her many issues again.
    It has been like losing Lola again.

    This is exactly what I wanted to be.
    I wanted to donate all myself to a needy creature, and I felt I was the right one to do such a thing to the right kitten.

    No, they just said no at the first interview when they actually meant yes.
    Then they meant yes but it was no.
    They didn't mention what I had been through.

    The kitten is at the vets', they already vouched me. The rescue group is paying for this kitten's care and hospice, I don't know why they prefer to keep her there at several euro per day, rather than rehoming her.
    I don't think I want to see her again.
    I would feel bad and would make her feel bad.

    I'm trying, but I can't. I can't feel anything for her.
    Sometimes I think I did the wrong thing taking her home :(

  7. artiemom

    artiemom Artie, my Angel; a part of my heart Top Cat

    Dec 22, 2014
    near Boston
    I am so sorry.. I guess I did not give you a much needed, sympathetic post.. so sorry...

    rubysmama and Docs Mom purraised this.

  8. di and bob

    di and bob TCS Member Top Cat

    Dec 12, 2012
    Nebraska, USA
    Love will come. Sometimes our hearts want the unattainable, somehow it is more attractive, ...forbidden fruit. Like old married couples, you have to work at it to make it work at all. Just relax and let what will be, be. You never know, that next soulmate may just one day walk up to your door. Parents don't love all their children equally, but it doesn't mean there isn't love there at all. That new kitten is happy with what attention she receives, she has a warm home and a full tummy, for her that is everything. Not all loves are a shooting star!
    Docs Mom, LisaT., Antonio65 and 1 other person purraised this.

  9. rubysmama

    rubysmama Forum Helper Staff Member Forum Helper

    Nov 25, 2013
    @Antonio65 and @artiemom both your post brought tears streaming down my eyes. Tears for both the unfortunate kittens, and tears for you and your pain. :alright:

    @Antonio65: I'm sorry you feel devastated about not being permitted to adopt that kitten, but I hope the new little kitten will help to heal your broken heart. What is her name? Can you post a picture of her? :camera:

    @artiemom: Things sometimes happen for the strangest reasons. Just the fact that you ran into the man adopting Tammy was all about timing. At least you know she'll be loved, and probably rarely alone. And once your apartment renos are complete, I'm certain you'll find the cat meant for you. :catrub:
    Antonio65 and artiemom purraised this.

  10. Antonio65

    Antonio65 Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

    Feb 27, 2017
    Orbassano - Italy
    There are new events in the story of the kitten I would have liked to adopt. I'll let you know in time.
    The kitten I have home is in this picture. The name the vet gave her when she was hospitalized at the vets' is Morgana, like the sorceress in the King Arthur tale.
    So far I never called her by her name, just "kitty". This tells you a lot about the bond we have.

    This photo was taken two days ago, not a great photo, I know...
    rubysmama and mightyboosh purraised this.

  11. LisaT.

    LisaT. TCS Member Adult Cat

    Sep 20, 2017
    Syracuse, NY
    Omg!! She is adorable!! She's definitely not a Morgana though. Antonio, could you give her a new name? Kitty would do it, but it's not very personal. She looks like a Marissa to me! Her eyes are so big and trusting. So cute!
    Docs Mom, rubysmama and Antonio65 purraised this.

  12. Antonio65

    Antonio65 Thread Starter TCS Member Top Cat

    Feb 27, 2017
    Orbassano - Italy
    As a matter of fact, I couldn't name her Kitty, even if I wished, because I already had a Kitty in my life, you will see her in my signature.
    Kitty is English for "Micina" or "Micia" in the case of a girl ("Micino" or "Micio" in case of boy). I'm currently calling her "micina".
    My previous Kitty was actually called Kitty, in English.

    I will give this one a name if and when I decide to keep her. So far I'm so unsure :(

  13. rubysmama

    rubysmama Forum Helper Staff Member Forum Helper

    Nov 25, 2013
    Oh, @Antonio65, she's such a cutie pie. :catlove:

    Do try to open your heart and let her love you. :hearthrob: With all the stress and heartbreak that come with all the cat rescuing you do, plus your recent losses, maybe a happy, healthy, sweet silly kitten is just want you need. :lovecat:
    di and bob and artiemom purraised this.

  14. di and bob

    di and bob TCS Member Top Cat

    Dec 12, 2012
    Nebraska, USA
    Antonio, don't let your head rule your heart. There will be MANY who are special in our lives, some much more than others, as you well know. There are different degrees of love, but all are special and meaningful . You can't make your heart love someone, but many times love comes anyway, in time, without you even realizing it. Don't yearn for the impossible, when that sweet little girl is needing you. I think the meeting between you and the adopter was a sign sent to reassure you that that precious kitten will be well cared for and well loved. Que Sera, Sera, the future's not ours to see, and the past is what it is.......
    Docs Mom, artiemom and rubysmama purraised this.

  15. artiemom

    artiemom Artie, my Angel; a part of my heart Top Cat

    Dec 22, 2014
    near Boston
    That meeting was me. I am sorry if I confused you by, kind of hijacking Antonio's thread. It was my experience of 'bumping' into the new adopter.

    Antonio65 purraised this.

  16. di and bob

    di and bob TCS Member Top Cat

    Dec 12, 2012
    Nebraska, USA
    Thanks for clarifying this. I think it is a sign though that no matter who adopts this little kitten will be well vetted and able to provide the love and care that is needed. Ther kitten will not go to anyone who is not able to properly care for a kitten with the problems it has. I wish i could be as picky who adopts the strays that find their way to my door, I am forever grateful to the few who decide to take one!

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