I don't know where to start. I wasn't going to write about Sumo at all, but tonight, like so many nights, I can't sleep because I am crying and I miss him so much. My husband is in the Army and before he went overseas, we got Sumo and Geisha, two black-and-white kitties. We got Sumo originally to keep me company, but then we got Sumo a "little sister" to keep him company!
But Sumo was really and truly my buddy, my companion, a "mama's boy" - and I swear he followed me everywhere and could not be more than a foot away from me at all times. He waited for me when I took showers, he slept on the desk when I was on the computer, he curled up on my lap when I watched TV, and he slept in his spot, right next to my pillow, on the bed.
I was so sad missing my hubby after he got deployed that I tried to keep busy taking classes and getting out of the house and wasn't at home as much so that I wouldn't have time to be "alone" and think. In mid-July, he seemed a little sick so I took him to the vet but it was much, much worse than I thought. I found out he probably had lymphoma based on his symptoms (they ruled out leukemia by a blood test). His left kidney was swollen, he was very sick, and I was just in shock. I couldn't grasp what the vet was telling me or deal with the options he gave me.
I knew right away that we couldn't afford the lab work plus chemo, so that day they gave him a cortisone shot to reduce the swelling and some pills to ease any discomfort. Then I took him home to spend as much time with him as I could.
I don't think I ever cried so much as I did the two days from the time I brought him home till when I brought him back to the vet to have them put him to sleep, and all the days since then. I struggled with so many questions - How do I know it's the right time, and do I give him the peace he deserves but shorten his life, or do I let him go on in discomfort or suffering, just because I am selfish and don't want to let him go? How could I have not seen his symptoms (pinkish not red gums, weight loss - he and Geisha shared a food bowl, I didn't see him eating but the food was gone, dry nose)? Why didn't I bring him to the vet earlier (and yet he told me it would not have changed anything)?
I was in too much shock and disbelief to know what to do. My friend came over and saw him and how thin he had gotten (why had I not noticed earlier???) and she told me, "He will tell you when it's time. But it would be cruel to let him go on like this for even another day." And the next morning, at 6:00am, sure enough, he limped into my room crying a tiny, pitiful "mew, mew." It broke my heart because I never saw him limp before or cry like that! It was like after the vet visit, he was getting worse or he was finally free to show me all the pain he was in (like, "OK, Mom, now you've talked to the doc, so he's told you what's going on with me...."). This is a kitty that was not a talker at all and I felt like he really was telling me it was time. I did not want to but I knew it was our only option with him being so ill and us not being able to afford further treatment.
So now it has been 1-1/2 months since he has been gone and I cry buckets all the time. I feel like it gets better and then I try to sleep and all of a sudden I am crying like there is no tomorrow. I know that it is a combination of missing my husband and grieving our loss of Sumo, and I feel like there is this sorrow and grief that is so heavy on me sometimes, like I can cry and cry and never run out of tears. He was my little guy and he was only 1 year and 4 months when I found out about his illness. So young! He didn't like to be held when he was a kitten, but eventually I got him used to being held in my arms like a baby and I would rest him against my chest. My husband would just roll his eyes and laugh because he knew Sumo was my baby. Sumo just wanted to be near me and I was comforted by his presence. I am always thinking about him now, wishing I could bring him back.
I held his head when he got the injection and he looked like he was just sleeping, and when I got home, I looked for him and of course he was not there. One night I woke up and thought I saw his shadow next to me but it was a teddy bear. I desperately miss him and I want to tell him I'm sorry that I wasn't a better mommy and didn't have it all together then, financially and otherwise, because he really was my precious angel and even though I didn't always give him my full attention because I was so sad all the time, I always loved him and he was my little buddy. I never realized how much I depended on him to always be there by my side.
Sumo, you were the sweetest, gentlest angel and I miss you SOOOOOO much. I will never, ever forget you, and there will never be another kitty like you. You were and always will be my precious baby. Be in peace and may your soul be at rest. I love you always.
Here is Sumo as a baby @ 11 weeks old.
Four months old, in one of his favorite spots - our desk...
When we first got Geisha... "Mom, she's drinking my water!!"
Sumo on the left, Geisha enjoying my sweater on the right.
The computer techs!
But Sumo was really and truly my buddy, my companion, a "mama's boy" - and I swear he followed me everywhere and could not be more than a foot away from me at all times. He waited for me when I took showers, he slept on the desk when I was on the computer, he curled up on my lap when I watched TV, and he slept in his spot, right next to my pillow, on the bed.
I was so sad missing my hubby after he got deployed that I tried to keep busy taking classes and getting out of the house and wasn't at home as much so that I wouldn't have time to be "alone" and think. In mid-July, he seemed a little sick so I took him to the vet but it was much, much worse than I thought. I found out he probably had lymphoma based on his symptoms (they ruled out leukemia by a blood test). His left kidney was swollen, he was very sick, and I was just in shock. I couldn't grasp what the vet was telling me or deal with the options he gave me.
I knew right away that we couldn't afford the lab work plus chemo, so that day they gave him a cortisone shot to reduce the swelling and some pills to ease any discomfort. Then I took him home to spend as much time with him as I could.
I don't think I ever cried so much as I did the two days from the time I brought him home till when I brought him back to the vet to have them put him to sleep, and all the days since then. I struggled with so many questions - How do I know it's the right time, and do I give him the peace he deserves but shorten his life, or do I let him go on in discomfort or suffering, just because I am selfish and don't want to let him go? How could I have not seen his symptoms (pinkish not red gums, weight loss - he and Geisha shared a food bowl, I didn't see him eating but the food was gone, dry nose)? Why didn't I bring him to the vet earlier (and yet he told me it would not have changed anything)?
I was in too much shock and disbelief to know what to do. My friend came over and saw him and how thin he had gotten (why had I not noticed earlier???) and she told me, "He will tell you when it's time. But it would be cruel to let him go on like this for even another day." And the next morning, at 6:00am, sure enough, he limped into my room crying a tiny, pitiful "mew, mew." It broke my heart because I never saw him limp before or cry like that! It was like after the vet visit, he was getting worse or he was finally free to show me all the pain he was in (like, "OK, Mom, now you've talked to the doc, so he's told you what's going on with me...."). This is a kitty that was not a talker at all and I felt like he really was telling me it was time. I did not want to but I knew it was our only option with him being so ill and us not being able to afford further treatment.
So now it has been 1-1/2 months since he has been gone and I cry buckets all the time. I feel like it gets better and then I try to sleep and all of a sudden I am crying like there is no tomorrow. I know that it is a combination of missing my husband and grieving our loss of Sumo, and I feel like there is this sorrow and grief that is so heavy on me sometimes, like I can cry and cry and never run out of tears. He was my little guy and he was only 1 year and 4 months when I found out about his illness. So young! He didn't like to be held when he was a kitten, but eventually I got him used to being held in my arms like a baby and I would rest him against my chest. My husband would just roll his eyes and laugh because he knew Sumo was my baby. Sumo just wanted to be near me and I was comforted by his presence. I am always thinking about him now, wishing I could bring him back.
I held his head when he got the injection and he looked like he was just sleeping, and when I got home, I looked for him and of course he was not there. One night I woke up and thought I saw his shadow next to me but it was a teddy bear. I desperately miss him and I want to tell him I'm sorry that I wasn't a better mommy and didn't have it all together then, financially and otherwise, because he really was my precious angel and even though I didn't always give him my full attention because I was so sad all the time, I always loved him and he was my little buddy. I never realized how much I depended on him to always be there by my side.
Sumo, you were the sweetest, gentlest angel and I miss you SOOOOOO much. I will never, ever forget you, and there will never be another kitty like you. You were and always will be my precious baby. Be in peace and may your soul be at rest. I love you always.
Here is Sumo as a baby @ 11 weeks old.
Four months old, in one of his favorite spots - our desk...
When we first got Geisha... "Mom, she's drinking my water!!"
Sumo on the left, Geisha enjoying my sweater on the right.
The computer techs!