I am struggling so much with the recent loss of my beautiful 12 y/o tabby. The sweetest, most gentle soul. "Needy" in the best possible way. Always a lap cat and cuddler. Total non-complainer. Would run to the sound of a baby crying and look so worried. Travelled 6000 km in a car with me without issue. She was rescued as a barn kitten, runt of the litter and obviously wouldn't have survived that situation. She was a sickly little kitten - lots of vet appointments in the early days - respiratory infections, eye goop, green goop sneezes on the walls! The vet first thought she was a boy and then she surprised us all! At three she had to have all her teeth extracted - the vet said it was genetic. However after those early years she had good health - although part of me wondered long term how her digestion would be as she loved to eat and not having any teeth didn't slow her down - but she would swallow kibble whole.
Here is the sad story. Around February I was thinking she was due for her annual wellness exam. She had some blood in her stool, and was just overall not herself. I was planning to take her in for appointment when the 'pandemic' was declared so got a little preoccupied. I then was able to book a virtual consult at the end of March with the vet. Again, it was vague but just a sense of something was off. Withdrawn, sleeping more and just looking more ragged. The vet said very hard to tell without an actual exam but could be IBD, arthritis or lymphosarcoma. Hard to process all the details of the conversation, but I know I said my main goal was her comfort and not causing and unnecessary stress. She recommended some supplements/probiotics and to continue to monitor. Forward to the end of April and I could tell she was declining still (growling once when I went to pet her - completely unusual for her) and I knew I needed to take her in for an actual exam. Again, they were only prioritizing urgent care, but I remember even saying on the phone "I think this is a palliative situation..." I remember being so nervous that day and dreading to take her in. Because of the pandemic the vet meets you curbside and they take your cat in. So it's not like regular appointments in the past where you are there in the room and just feel like you have more time and collaboration. I remember telling him she had done well on gabapentin in the past. I remember telling him I just wanted her to be comfortable. Anyways, so he tells me that there is a "lot of pain" particularly with her spine and he was in agreement with first vet's consult to start pain medications but would need to do bloodwork/weight to ensure was safe to start. Her bloodwork and weight were good (he was surprised). That hurt me so to hear she was in so much pain. But. That's where I think I got some dangerous false hope thinking everything would be ok. I was ELATED. (But now realize that there may have been more to the story that only an xray, ultrasound or biopsy might've revealed?) The strange thing is I was oddly more prepared that April day to hear the worst and think I would've handled things better then. But something about hearing that bloodwork was good made me forget the reason I brought her in in the first place. The vet told me to keep him informed. After about 10 days on the pain medication she seemed to slowly/slightly improve - eating a little more, not as withdrawn. Then about 6 days after that she seemed to be declining again. I emailed the clinic Wednesday night. I don't know why I didn't rush her in or call. She was still eating and drinking a little bit and using her litterbox and jumping up/down her favourite spot. I spoke to the vet on Friday. I was at work so maybe it was a bit rushed conversation and I worry I didn't convey everything about her situation. I remember asking him if the pain medication was safe long term, and should I bring her in again to get labs rechecked. He didn't think so since it had only been 2 weeks ago the labs had been done.
That evening she was still eating/drinking a little bit but I could tell she wasn't comfortable because she was moving around to different spots. She wasn't hiding though - in fact at one point she was lying down in the kitchen to be near everyone. She did jump up on the bed to be next to our other cat (unusual but not unheard of - they 'tolerated' one other but the odd time would sleep near each other). Something in me told me to bring her outside. It had been a long winter so she hadn't been outside for a long time and she loved to bask in the sun. I brought her outside for a little bit and she was chewing on the grass. No crying out when I picked her up. That evening she scratched twice to get into the baby's room. Unusual but again not unheard of as she would sometimes sneak in there. (Now I feel like I refused her last wish to be in that room). I checked on her at midnight and she was sleeping near her food. I even ordered kitty CBD oil that night. I slept out on the futon in the living room that night. Around 4 am I was awoken by a sound. I looked over and saw she wasn't on her usual spot on the couch...she was passed away, a few feet away from me. I was in shock at first. I thought I heard her purring but it was the songbirds. I shouted her name but immediately saw the tail had no flicker and her paw just lifeless. Such a shock. The absence of the vital life force. I then found out that the pain medication can have side effects and the guilt is tearing me up that I gave that to her. Why didn't I research more. I didn't advocate for her. I can't bear it. Also the guilt of not taking her in again that Wednesday night when I first noticed a change again. I keep reliving it in my mind. I feel like I failed to protect her and she was such a sweet baby. This has been about a month ago and I've cried every day. I am just faking it to get through the day.
Here is the sad story. Around February I was thinking she was due for her annual wellness exam. She had some blood in her stool, and was just overall not herself. I was planning to take her in for appointment when the 'pandemic' was declared so got a little preoccupied. I then was able to book a virtual consult at the end of March with the vet. Again, it was vague but just a sense of something was off. Withdrawn, sleeping more and just looking more ragged. The vet said very hard to tell without an actual exam but could be IBD, arthritis or lymphosarcoma. Hard to process all the details of the conversation, but I know I said my main goal was her comfort and not causing and unnecessary stress. She recommended some supplements/probiotics and to continue to monitor. Forward to the end of April and I could tell she was declining still (growling once when I went to pet her - completely unusual for her) and I knew I needed to take her in for an actual exam. Again, they were only prioritizing urgent care, but I remember even saying on the phone "I think this is a palliative situation..." I remember being so nervous that day and dreading to take her in. Because of the pandemic the vet meets you curbside and they take your cat in. So it's not like regular appointments in the past where you are there in the room and just feel like you have more time and collaboration. I remember telling him she had done well on gabapentin in the past. I remember telling him I just wanted her to be comfortable. Anyways, so he tells me that there is a "lot of pain" particularly with her spine and he was in agreement with first vet's consult to start pain medications but would need to do bloodwork/weight to ensure was safe to start. Her bloodwork and weight were good (he was surprised). That hurt me so to hear she was in so much pain. But. That's where I think I got some dangerous false hope thinking everything would be ok. I was ELATED. (But now realize that there may have been more to the story that only an xray, ultrasound or biopsy might've revealed?) The strange thing is I was oddly more prepared that April day to hear the worst and think I would've handled things better then. But something about hearing that bloodwork was good made me forget the reason I brought her in in the first place. The vet told me to keep him informed. After about 10 days on the pain medication she seemed to slowly/slightly improve - eating a little more, not as withdrawn. Then about 6 days after that she seemed to be declining again. I emailed the clinic Wednesday night. I don't know why I didn't rush her in or call. She was still eating and drinking a little bit and using her litterbox and jumping up/down her favourite spot. I spoke to the vet on Friday. I was at work so maybe it was a bit rushed conversation and I worry I didn't convey everything about her situation. I remember asking him if the pain medication was safe long term, and should I bring her in again to get labs rechecked. He didn't think so since it had only been 2 weeks ago the labs had been done.
That evening she was still eating/drinking a little bit but I could tell she wasn't comfortable because she was moving around to different spots. She wasn't hiding though - in fact at one point she was lying down in the kitchen to be near everyone. She did jump up on the bed to be next to our other cat (unusual but not unheard of - they 'tolerated' one other but the odd time would sleep near each other). Something in me told me to bring her outside. It had been a long winter so she hadn't been outside for a long time and she loved to bask in the sun. I brought her outside for a little bit and she was chewing on the grass. No crying out when I picked her up. That evening she scratched twice to get into the baby's room. Unusual but again not unheard of as she would sometimes sneak in there. (Now I feel like I refused her last wish to be in that room). I checked on her at midnight and she was sleeping near her food. I even ordered kitty CBD oil that night. I slept out on the futon in the living room that night. Around 4 am I was awoken by a sound. I looked over and saw she wasn't on her usual spot on the couch...she was passed away, a few feet away from me. I was in shock at first. I thought I heard her purring but it was the songbirds. I shouted her name but immediately saw the tail had no flicker and her paw just lifeless. Such a shock. The absence of the vital life force. I then found out that the pain medication can have side effects and the guilt is tearing me up that I gave that to her. Why didn't I research more. I didn't advocate for her. I can't bear it. Also the guilt of not taking her in again that Wednesday night when I first noticed a change again. I keep reliving it in my mind. I feel like I failed to protect her and she was such a sweet baby. This has been about a month ago and I've cried every day. I am just faking it to get through the day.