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- Feb 5, 2022
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Sorry for the long post. Hopefully someone has the time to read it.
My soulmate cat was diagnosed with oral cancer in late November. So devastating. The vet gave him a prognosis of 2-3 months, which ended up coming true. The tumor was unfortunately in his throat. Inoperable and this type of cancer (SCC) is pretty unresponsive to any treatments. I opted (well, not much of a choice) for palliative care. Multiple meds a day and injections at home to keep him comfortable. The tumor actually stayed pretty stable for the first month but in January, it started growing really fast.
He never stopped eating/trying to eat, but he was having more and more trouble every day as the tumor grew. It was pushing his tongue out and to the side so he couldn’t control it very well. It also made his salivary glands overreact so saliva soaked anything he tried to eat. But he still tried, and most of the time was able to eat a decent amount. When I felt he didn’t eat a good enough meal, I gave him squeezie treats (which eventually he would only eat off my finger) to make sure he had a full tummy.
Near the end, there were obviously some signs/moments that led me to the decision to put him to rest. Obviously the increasing difficulty eating, but also I could just tell that he looked uncomfortable/stoic much of the time. Sometimes didn’t want to be pet. And there were a few times when he suddenly awoke out of a deep sleep with a cry, and looked disoriented. I (and his vet) think that this was due to him suddenly realizing he wasn’t getting enough oxygen while sleeping (because of the tumor) and being startled by it. I also know the tumor was starting to effect his breathing in the last week or so because he would snore, which he has never done before.
And of course, I could feel the tumor growing when I felt his throat. It was spreading and had already spread to the other side of his throat. I was so scared of him suddenly being unable to breathe because of how fast it was growing. Or, as his vet said, his airway getting so small that even just a piece of food can block it and cause an awful, terrible end. I also just kept thinking that if I had that tumor in my throat, I would be absolutely miserable. Cats are so good at hiding pain.
I promised him when we got this diagnosis and prognosis that I wouldn’t let him suffer. I wouldn’t let it get too far. Wouldn’t let him ever know the feeling of being hungry but unable to eat because it feels so bad, or he physically can’t. How awful would that be? He didn’t deserve to experience that, especially as an ending note to his almost 14 years.
I repeated the saying “better a month too early than a day too late” in my head many times in the last couple months. I agree with that sentiment. If I know the trajectory of where it’s heading, and I know it’ll just be more and more suffering every day, why do I need to let him feel that? What’s the point?
I made the decision to put him to rest on Thursday (Feb 3rd). I wanted it to be as peaceful as possible so I had a vet come to the house. It was awful, as you know, nothing feels worse than that.
But what I’m struggling the most with is guilt. I just feel so guilty for facilitating his death. The worst part is that he was still eating at the time. He was still eating, or trying to, and mostly able to but with increasing difficulty. He was still drinking water. He was still using the litter box and sometimes purring. He literally was trying to eat food while the vet was here, while the first sedative was kicking in.
All the articles and guides say that it’s time to euthanize when they’re no longer eating or drinking, they’re hiding, or unable to use the litter box on their own. He wasn’t at this stage, but the thing is, he wouldn’t have ever gotten to that stage because of the condition he had. This type of cancer doesn’t affect the organs or other parts of the body - in that way he still felt fine. So yeah, he would never stop having an appetite (especially with the steroids). He would’ve continued trying to eat. He just eventually wouldn’t physically be able to and would be confused and frustrated and hungry. So these guides don’t really apply to me and when I see them, they just make me feel like I did it too soon because he still had an appetite and was normal other than the rapidly growing, vicious, ticking time bomb slowly blocking his airway.
I just didn’t want him to get to the point of being hungry and unable to eat and being hungry… that’s so terrible. Or feeling more and more like breathing was getting harder and harder. That would be so scary for anyone. His vet said that with the rate of growth, it would be maybe a week or so before things got really bad to the point of suffering. I just didn’t want him to have to experience the pain that was coming so soon.
This cancer is the worst because while the tumor could be totally ravaging their mouth/throat, the rest of their body and mind is fine, so they seem fine. So when I put him down, it felt like putting down a cat who wasn’t ready to go. He still had life in him. But that tumor was about to make him suffer and I just couldn’t let that happen. But I feel so, so guilty.
My soulmate cat was diagnosed with oral cancer in late November. So devastating. The vet gave him a prognosis of 2-3 months, which ended up coming true. The tumor was unfortunately in his throat. Inoperable and this type of cancer (SCC) is pretty unresponsive to any treatments. I opted (well, not much of a choice) for palliative care. Multiple meds a day and injections at home to keep him comfortable. The tumor actually stayed pretty stable for the first month but in January, it started growing really fast.
He never stopped eating/trying to eat, but he was having more and more trouble every day as the tumor grew. It was pushing his tongue out and to the side so he couldn’t control it very well. It also made his salivary glands overreact so saliva soaked anything he tried to eat. But he still tried, and most of the time was able to eat a decent amount. When I felt he didn’t eat a good enough meal, I gave him squeezie treats (which eventually he would only eat off my finger) to make sure he had a full tummy.
Near the end, there were obviously some signs/moments that led me to the decision to put him to rest. Obviously the increasing difficulty eating, but also I could just tell that he looked uncomfortable/stoic much of the time. Sometimes didn’t want to be pet. And there were a few times when he suddenly awoke out of a deep sleep with a cry, and looked disoriented. I (and his vet) think that this was due to him suddenly realizing he wasn’t getting enough oxygen while sleeping (because of the tumor) and being startled by it. I also know the tumor was starting to effect his breathing in the last week or so because he would snore, which he has never done before.
And of course, I could feel the tumor growing when I felt his throat. It was spreading and had already spread to the other side of his throat. I was so scared of him suddenly being unable to breathe because of how fast it was growing. Or, as his vet said, his airway getting so small that even just a piece of food can block it and cause an awful, terrible end. I also just kept thinking that if I had that tumor in my throat, I would be absolutely miserable. Cats are so good at hiding pain.
I promised him when we got this diagnosis and prognosis that I wouldn’t let him suffer. I wouldn’t let it get too far. Wouldn’t let him ever know the feeling of being hungry but unable to eat because it feels so bad, or he physically can’t. How awful would that be? He didn’t deserve to experience that, especially as an ending note to his almost 14 years.
I repeated the saying “better a month too early than a day too late” in my head many times in the last couple months. I agree with that sentiment. If I know the trajectory of where it’s heading, and I know it’ll just be more and more suffering every day, why do I need to let him feel that? What’s the point?
I made the decision to put him to rest on Thursday (Feb 3rd). I wanted it to be as peaceful as possible so I had a vet come to the house. It was awful, as you know, nothing feels worse than that.
But what I’m struggling the most with is guilt. I just feel so guilty for facilitating his death. The worst part is that he was still eating at the time. He was still eating, or trying to, and mostly able to but with increasing difficulty. He was still drinking water. He was still using the litter box and sometimes purring. He literally was trying to eat food while the vet was here, while the first sedative was kicking in.
All the articles and guides say that it’s time to euthanize when they’re no longer eating or drinking, they’re hiding, or unable to use the litter box on their own. He wasn’t at this stage, but the thing is, he wouldn’t have ever gotten to that stage because of the condition he had. This type of cancer doesn’t affect the organs or other parts of the body - in that way he still felt fine. So yeah, he would never stop having an appetite (especially with the steroids). He would’ve continued trying to eat. He just eventually wouldn’t physically be able to and would be confused and frustrated and hungry. So these guides don’t really apply to me and when I see them, they just make me feel like I did it too soon because he still had an appetite and was normal other than the rapidly growing, vicious, ticking time bomb slowly blocking his airway.
I just didn’t want him to get to the point of being hungry and unable to eat and being hungry… that’s so terrible. Or feeling more and more like breathing was getting harder and harder. That would be so scary for anyone. His vet said that with the rate of growth, it would be maybe a week or so before things got really bad to the point of suffering. I just didn’t want him to have to experience the pain that was coming so soon.
This cancer is the worst because while the tumor could be totally ravaging their mouth/throat, the rest of their body and mind is fine, so they seem fine. So when I put him down, it felt like putting down a cat who wasn’t ready to go. He still had life in him. But that tumor was about to make him suffer and I just couldn’t let that happen. But I feel so, so guilty.
Sorry for your loss.
