Post Adoption Regret/apprehension

[cloverjane]

I don't really know where to begin, because everything I feel seems so overdramatic and ridiculous. But here goes. It's an essay, sorry.

I am a first time cat owner and I adopted two 12 week old rescue kittens on Wednesday (it's been about 30 hours since they came home) and I've been swinging wildly between "this is okay, they are so cute, look at me scooping the litter tray like a pro" and "oh my god, I am just not a cat person, I have to take them back". I have been taking valium but I've still been in tears twice over them. I don't know what the problem is, I am just so overwhelmed and miserable. They are so cute and playful, and one of them in particular has already decided she loves me (purring like mad, jumping in my lap, slow blinking and cuddling). But still the dread remains.

Part of the problem is that we already have two small senior dogs who are my absolute world and their happiness is my first priority in this arrangement. I knew that introductions were going to be a process, but already it's not looking good. We have put the cats in a carrier and let the dogs smell them through the mesh, and one dog is absolutely terrified and growling, the other dog gets low and acts like he's stalking prey. The first dog has been utterly morose since they came home, the other dog is prowling the house frantic to find a way of getting into the bathroom. I don't think this is going to end well, and I can't see things getting better to the point where we could ever leave all four of them alone together.. but I can't keep the cats in the bathroom for the rest of their lives.

Aside from that, the kittens are totally hyper no matter how much I play with them and have trashed the bathroom about five times. Like they literally grab handfuls of litter or water and throw it around for fun. They also love flipping their food and water bowls all over the floor.

My husband was the one driving this adoption, yet managed to be working interstate for this week when they actually came home. It had been raining nonstop too, so I can't even take a break from the kittens by taking my dogs for a walk or anything (which might be contributing to why my dogs are miserable right now too).

I don't know what to do. I feel 50/50 on thinking that things might be okay once the kittens grow up a bit, or wanting to take them back to the shelter right away. I know my husband will be disappointed in me if I can't handle it - we were planning to have a baby next year, and I know he'll take this as an example of why I couldn't possibly handle a baby if I can't even handle some kittens. And part of me would be too humiliated to have to explain to people that I couldn't hack it after I've posted all about my kittens on social media. Another tiny part of me hopes that I suddenly become allergic to the cats overnight so it's not a question of wanting to rehome them but needing to.

But on the other hand, I am falling for one of the kittens. She's so adorable and I think she loves me. She is so excited every time I come into the bathroom and is super affectionate. She grabs my hand and demands that I give her more pats, and she's such a snuggle bunny. I can totally see myself growing to love her, and I feel irrationally protective about her, like I can't rehome her because nobody would be able to take care of her like I could. But the thought of my elderly dogs being depressed for the rest of their lives, or having a household full of disharmony is terrifying me.

Please, if anybody has successfully integrated dogs and kittens, I would love some reassurance. But equally, if the consensus is that I should rehome these little guys, I guess I should hear that too.

 

[ArtNJ]

Here is a link on how you do the introduction: How To Safely Introduce A Cat And A Dog

Yes, kittens are hyper and will make a mess. It will improve with time.

Here is how I see it -- since the "risk factor" is higher when introducing kittens to dogs, you have to mentally and emotionally feel up to the task. If you are panicked about it, I'd take the kittens back. However, I'd certainly read the guide, take deep breaths, cuddle a bit with the one that is already loving, and see if you can find it in you to try.

Dismiss concerns about what anyone else will think. Truth is, they won't think its weird; not every dog can adjust and view cats as non-targets. That said, I'm guessing that if you read the guide and make a start, you'll find that the process isn't so bad.

Dogs don't eat babies, your probably only going to have one baby, and it takes them years to achieve the level of pure chaos that kittens can cause after a few weeks. Plus, maternal instincts are a thing with your own baby. So I wouldn't even think about that; its just different. Again, I think you can do it! But there is no shame if you cant. What is right for you will be right for the kittens.

 

[duncanmac]

re: Adopter's remorse: I think everyone goes through it to some extent. We went through it after we got our first cat and he was rambunctious, bitey and just a hyper kitten. The whole first week we were like "Now what?" All three of us settled into a routine and figured it out. For the next two additions, my wife was very reluctant/worried that we would be upsetting the balance we had.

But last night, I was exhausted and the newest addition, a 6 month old kitten, was just being a persistent PITA, and the question comes out - why did we did do this? Even after 3 months, this is normal too I think.

Dogs and cats are not eternal enemies and can learn to get along - follow the guide linked up above and relax.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hi!
There have been a few threads where the posters have expressed emotions similar to yours, which is to say, as mentioned above, you aren't alone.

Some of those people worked it out and were able to find a balance, and then the freedom of love and joy. One or two were not, and those kitties were returned to the shelter/foster so that they would be there for a different family and home.

Something to consider, which I don't think is mentioned in that article, is to make sure to have areas for the cats up high (sturdy cat trees, shelves etc) so that they can have a way to remove themselves from direct contact with the dogs.

We're rooting for you, whichever choice you make

 

[jen]

Maybe you just adopted at the wrong time or the wrong age of cat. I have had cats most of my life and I don't even want one because they can be nuts. Yours haven't even entered their crazy "teenager" stages yet.

I don't think it is wrong to return them, and I don't usually say that. With your senior dogs, they should be top priority. If they are not happy you aren't going to be happy either.

 

[rubysmama]

Hello and welcome to TCS. You are not alone in having adopter's remorse. As already was posted, there have been many posts from members feeling the same way after they adopt a cat or kitten.

Hopefully once your husband is back home, the rain stops, and you get some more support from this site, you'll feel better about things.

It will be a bit more complicated with your dogs, and hopefully the TCS articles will have some tips for you. A ArtNJ already posted one. Here are 2 more:
Caring For Cats And Dogs
Introducing Cats To Dogs
Best And Worst Dog Breeds To Live With Cats (not that you can change your dogs' breeds, but might be interesting to read)

Here are a few articles, as well, for new cat owners:
First-time Cat Owner's Guide
Care Of Cats - The Responsible Way

9 Tips That Will Help Your Kitten Adapt To A New Apartment
Kitten Proofing Your Home: 13 Practical Tips

Cat Behavior For Beginners
Playing With Your Cat: 10 Things You Need To Know

Good luck. Post pictures of your kittens, if/when you can.
How To Add A Picture To Your Forum Post

 

[Etarre]

As someone who has adopted two wonderful cats (Gwen, who died last year, and Juniper, who succeeded her) and feels very lucky to have had both of them in my life, I can tell you that even the happiest and easiest adoptions involve some feelings of "oh no! what have I done?" For me, I tend to realize that choosing a cat means not choosing a whole lot of other cats, which is stressful. In addition, I think I'm a little anxious to feel bonded to a cat right away, which can be difficult. I can only imagine that having senior dogs and being in charge of the initial introductions while your husband is away magnifies those feelings.

I haven't ever introduced pets to one another, but after reading a LOT of threads about it, it sounds like a process that involves, above all, patience. If you decide to give this a try, please keep in mind that it could be a long process, and avoid putting a ton of pressure on yourself to do things quickly. Faster is not better in this case! And animals take time to alter their routines and expectations. Your husband's absence may also be heightening your dogs' anxiety about the situation and their reactions to the kittens, since they're missing a family member and their world was already out of kilter before these little furry upstarts showed up in their household!

Keep in mind that our pets are more resilient that we give them credit for. My husband had to move to a different state for a year, and I would visit him for a
week out of every month while he was gone. We were really worried about our
cat Gwen, who was very shy with strangers and therefore was hard to find a sitter
for. But she surprised us by being a complete champ about the whole thing, and it turns out we worried a lot for nothing. Maybe, given enough time and the return of your husband, your dogs will surprise you.

 

[Kflowers]

If you return them and people give you a hard time about it, explain that the situation to your friends. I realize you are stressed and freaked and worried about your dogs and what you promised them and the kittens, which makes it hard to think. Here is an example of what you might say to your friends. Your real friends will understand.

"We adored the kittens, but we found that this was too much for our beloved dogs. We must consider the dogs. Being older they were having problems with the kittens' energy level. The stress of the kittens was exacerbating their illnesses (name the illnesses here and what you're doing for them) As you know when people and animals get older they need rest and quiet. We had hoped this would work, but the kittens are so much more lively than we expected. It does prove they are healthy, but the dogs just can't take it. Since we acquired the dogs first, and promised to give them the best lives we could, we made this difficult decision to return the kittens. We know our friends and disappointed and sad for us. But we also know that, you too, want what is best for the dogs, since compassion is really about keeping one's promises.

Be assured the kittens are going back to the no-kill shelter and have every reason to expect to have their adorable selves adopted.

If someone gives you a hard time about not forcing the dogs to adjust and how could you give up the kittens, tell them where the kittens are and suggest that they adopt them.

 

[Kflowers]

Read up on what kittens are like in their first year. Do you want to be pregnant during their teen stage? How does your husband feel about cleaning the litter boxes?

I've had a lot of cats, but I'm uncomfortable about the part in your post that your husband was pushing to adopt the kittens. That would be okay, except you then said "I know my husband will be disappointed in me if I can't handle it - we were planning to have a baby next year, and I know he'll take this as an example of why I couldn't possibly handle a baby if I can't even handle some kittens."


Does he really want the kittens or are they a test to see if you'll be a good mother? Or are they a way to talk you out of the baby? That's a lot for those little kits to shoulder.

 

[1 bruce 1]

First thing you have to do is just try to relax a little. I say this in a kind way, honest. This isn't some snotty remark, so just remember that I mean no harm.

First, deal with you, yourself. You're taking valium. I don't want to get nosy or prod, so don't answer this if you don't want to, but if you were taking valium for some medical reason before, that's fine, but if you're taking valium BECAUSE of them, this isn't good for you or anyone else (IMO.)
What are the ages/breeds or mixes of your senior dogs? Are they otherwise healthy, bonded to you, each other, your husband? Have they ever been around cats or kittens? (Sometimes dogs aren't good with kittens, but respect adult cats, like some dogs like dogs but not puppies. Or some adult humans like other adult humans, but children not so much, etc. We have a dog here that I trust with adult dogs, adult cats, but kittens or puppies, no way. Once they hit 6-8 months, the introductions are smooth, fast, and easy.)
Adult cats are playful, but are usually more quiet and more "chill" than a kitten. Some dogs view kittens as prey because they're little, furry, never stop moving erratically and make high pitched sounds.

3 month old kittens are no different than 3 month old puppies, or toddler human kids. They don't understand what's off limits. They do learn, we teach them but they sometimes outgrow this stage of antics and "everything is a toy."

If I were in your shoes, I'd consider introducing the dog that's acting bashful towards the kittens first. Maybe pick the quieter kitten of the two, and introduce him or her to the shy dog. If the dog shies away, it's alright. Let curiosity get the best of him or her. When that goes well, introduce the more energetic kitten to the shy dog. Keep this up. Once this is going well, and the shy dog is no longer afraid (and the kittens are now older), the dog who is more intense can be introduced.
This will allow two things....the kittens will be older than they are now, with dog experience. And, the dog being introduced will see his pal (that was shying away) either interacting nicely or just ignoring the kittens (perfectly OK) and will pick up on this and hopefully copy this behavior.

Keep your chin up my friend.

 

[RajaNMizu]

I've raised two kittens and two sons. Kittens were a lot harder! Don't be so hard on yourself. If you feel you can do it, especially since you are already feeling bonded to one of the kittens, try the suggestions in the link. If you feel that you can't or that the introductions aren't going well for your dogs, it's ok. Maybe in the future you might consider an adult cat which might be an easier introduction process.

 

[1 bruce 1]

I've raised two kittens and two sons. Kittens were a lot harder! Don't be so hard on yourself. If you feel you can do it, especially since you are already feeling bonded to one of the kittens, try the suggestions in the link. If you feel that you can't or that the introductions aren't going well for your dogs, it's ok. Maybe in the future you might consider an adult cat which might be an easier introduction process.

Raising Baby Girl was like raising a spoiled, self entitled child that used my face as a spring board trampoline on her watch and didn't care what anyone else thought.
Things were different for awhile but really now I can't imagine how boring life was without her. I hope C cloverjane will give us an update when she can and take these good messages to heart and know there's no right or wrong answer and every situation is different. I just hope things work out, no matter what.

 

[goingpostal]

Have you considered enlisting a trainer to help? The shelter might have someone or have lists of them also. If you and both dogs are new to cats, I really feel a good trainer could be a huge use to introducing the animals safely, giving you a plan to work with. Kittens are a lot of work, even for people who have owned cats all their lives.

 

[cloverjane]

Thank you all so much for your advice... happy to report that I have calmed down at least 50% on yesterday. I've worked out that if I play with the kittens with a wand and run them absolutely ragged before bedtime, they go straight to sleep and don't bother me all night. And I feel so much better after sleeping properly.

We also had a slightly more positive encounter between the dogs and cats today. I put the cats in a carrier while I took a shower in their bathroom, and I put them in my bedroom with the door closed so the dogs couldn't get in there. Then I let the dogs sniff the entire bathroom for as long as they wanted. Then while the cats were in the carrier on the bed, I let my little dogs (one at a time) sniff the carrier and then gave them loads of cuddles while we lay on the bed a metre away from the cats. Dog #1 was still scared, but she eventually relaxed into letting herself be cuddled without running away even though the cats were moving around. Dog #2 showed interest in the carrier, but this time his body was relaxed and his tail was wagging. The whole encounter only lasted ten minutes, but I feel like we're making progress.

Both kittens only hide under the sink about half of the time when I enter the bathroom now, and both of them will consent to head rubs if they are relaxed or sleepy. The little girl one actually invited herself into my lap today and snuggled against me, grabbing my hand to get me to pat her more, which was very cute. My husband is coming home tomorrow morning and has offered to be solely in charge of kitten duties for the rest of the weekend, which is such a relief.

The other thing that I realized is that they are a few weeks away from having had all of their shots, at which time.. if I'm really not handling things and need a break for a few days, they can go to the pet resort. It makes me feel a thousand times better to know that I can 'pause' my cat ownership for a little bit if things are too much... we also have some renovations coming up next year, and I was already fretting about how hard it was going to be to keep two kittens and two dogs safe and under control while tradesmen would be in and out of the house.

So I'm feeling better about it. I know things will potentially go backwards tomorrow when they have to get used to my husband, but for now, it's survivable and I'm actually a little bit optimistic about the future of our household.

 

[Furballsmom]

oh my goodness, look at you - this is a terrific update to read, thank you so much!

 

[RufusGizmo]

i tried to move with two older cats, and get two kittens at the same time while my husband had to stay at the old house for about three months, only coming to new house on days off. it will be WAY better when you are not alone. trust me I did not think i would make it. we did. GOOD LUCK!

 

[Etarre]

Glad things are looking up! I am 100% nonfunctional on no sleep, so I'm not surprised that everything seemed a little more manageable once you got a full night's rest.

 

[cloverjane]

Hi again everybody, it's a month and a half later and I needed to update you all - it was a horrible adjustment and there were many tears and feelings of "what the hell have I done?"... but I can proudly say that our little guys are now beloved parts of our household.

After a few weeks with us, we started letting them out of the bathroom for a few hours at a time, confined to one room with the dogs. I thought the barking and chasing would never stop, until one day the kittens just weren't that exciting to the dogs anymore. Since then, we've actually had the four of them playing together a few times. Not to say that there haven't also been moments of growling and snapping.. but it's getting better.

And as for my feelings about the kittens, I'm totally growing to love them. They are so affectionate and zany, and their antics are so entertaining for us and the dogs. They are still being put in the bathroom when we're sleeping or not at home to supervise, but they spend most of their days roaming the whole house now (minus the laundry and a few bedrooms). They are five months old now and have calmed down so much - they still race from room to room and chase each other, but they spend 80% of their time just snoozing on the bed and looking out the window, which suits our senior dogs just fine because it's what they like to do too.

Everybody is happy, I'm finally glad that we got these kittens, and I finally feel happy and like our household is complete (except for the baby situation, which I'm sure is going to be a whole other adjustment). Thank you all for your advice and support, I'm so glad this story has a happy ending!

 

[Furballsmom]

Thank you ever so much for letting us know, happy endings are THE best!!

 

[rubysmama]

I'm so glad this story has a happy ending!

I'm so happy too.