Post-adoption Blues & Anxiety

[sally cecelia]

Hi all,

Thanks to everyone in this community since it's been helping me a lot! I posted my first thread a few pages down ("Trying to understand adopted cat") and the responses have been very helpful.

As a follow up to that thread, I wanted to reach out for guidance on something I've been noticing in MYSELF since the adoption of my 7 year old cat about 2 weeks ago. In the beginning, she would hide and be aloof with me but slowly she has been opening up and I have been trying to bond with her in different ways.

What I've noticed since I've adopted her is that MY anxiety is through the roof and I feel like I have the blues. I think she is adapting at a normal rate for a shelter cat, but I have been constantly worrying about every little thing, wondering if I made the right decision to adopt a cat, anxious about leaving her alone even for a few hours, and fretting about any upcoming trips I have for business or personal.

I've heard and read that this happens often to both new dog and cat owners, this anxiety/ depression/ regret, but that it will subside the majority of the time and I'm wondering if any of you all experienced this when you adopted your cat in the beginning and how did you all cope with your anxiety/ feelings of regret, worrying, or depression?

I'm not sure why my anxiety is suddenly so strong since adopting a cat (I've always dealt with mild anxiety) since animals are supposed to help calm and de-stress humans and I'm hoping all of this will go away soon but until that time, wondering what I can do to de-stress. I mainly worried about how she is more aloof than other cats and doesn't really play (I'm in the middle of trying to find different toys/ games she likes) and about leaving her alone (when I go into work or my upcoming business/ personal vacation trips). Not sure if twice a day for 30 minutes is enough and my cat is more shy/ timid so I'm scared that she'll never even spend any time with the pet sitter.

Sorry for the long thread but these are all the thoughts going through my head. I think I just have anxiety over having this new responsibility of caring for an animal and when she doesn't play or show affection or when I have to take trips, I start ruminating on if she would be happier with another family or if I made the right decision to adopt a cat.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hi!
There have been a couple of posters recently describing something of the same feelings.

I think/hope if you continue to work with your kitty, in a gentle way with no need to feel rushed or hurried, --and of course she needs to get used to you as much as you need to get acquainted with her, ...I really believe you-all will be just fine.

I don't know if there will be anything in either of these threads that might help;
Struggling (and Failing) To Bond With New Cat
Regretting Adoption Of Cat - Can You Relate?

 

[Lari]

I can definitely relate to the anxiety! I got my cat last year at the end of August, she was my first pet in a long time (and the one before her in college had been a betta fish, which has less worries involved) and she was very skittish and unhappy at first. It was near the beginning of the school year and so I had to be gone the whole school day just about right away. I remember telling my principal I was sorry for rushing home that Monday two days after she came home but I had to make sure she was all right.

The anxiety has faded a lot. It still happens for firsts - like first time leaving her overnight, or first vet visit, first long vacation, etc. And she's my first cat so I guess that makes sense. It's been a long time since I've wondered if she would have been better off in another home. I know she and I have a bond and she's happy with me.

Lelia worked on lowering my stress as we forged a bond. She does at least one thing that makes me laugh every day and seems to know when I need a bit more. Give it time doesn't help you now, but that's what did it the most for me.

 

[Tashanasha]

It'll probably be better in time. When we first brought Marx home I was exited, but after a couple of days the anxiety kicked in (isn't it a bit to much responsibility, what are we gonna do when we travel, how are we gonna bring him along once we leave the country, what if I'm feeding him wrong, ect.). I kinda started regretting that we got him. Those feelings just faded away. We have him now for 3 months and I completely adore him and wouldn't trade him for anything (even though he's more trouble now than he was then ).

Just try to relax and not feel bad about feeling that way. It's quite common and most of the time it resolves on it's own.

 

[sally cecelia]

Thanks all for such great advice and links to the other forums. I've noticed a few forums about post-adoption anxiety and regret so it's helpful to read what everyone's experiences are.

Talking to a few friends with pets has helped and they have also opened up about having doubts and struggles leaving the pet for even a few days. Living alone and being far from family because of career/ job has added to my initial worry since I felt alone but am trying to tap into resources in this area.

But finally a small success with her: after several, failed toy purchases, I found a toy she likes which is the "cat dancer" (this also happens to be the most inexpensive out of everything I bought).

 

[catlover73]

I have had my cats for years and I still worry about them every time I go out of town. I have a great cat sitter and I still get anxious even though I know my cat sitter loves my cats like she does her own. My cat sitter is also an experienced cat owner and she too worries when she has to travel. She has a care taker for her mom that lives there when she travels. He is also a cat person and takes care of her cats along with mom. Worrying about our cats when we travel is completely normal. My cat sitter calls me when she is at my house to let me know how the cats are doing. My cats interact with her so they get cuddle time when I am gone too.

One thing that might help is to look for a cat sitter now before you have to travel. Talk to your vet some vet techs do cat sitting on the side. Get to know your neighbors they can be excellent referrals to find a cat sitter. Talk to people at work that live near you they can also be helpful. At one point a neighbor and I used to cat sit for each other cats when one of us was traveling.

It is normal to be anxious you are both getting to know each other.

My cats have lived with me for years. We always tell them we love them and will be home later when we leave to go anywhere. It does not matter if we are going to work for the day or going out to dinner. We also tell them to be good for our cat sitter. My cat sitter tells our cats that she loves them and will see them tomorrow. If I am visiting my cat sitters house I say good bye to her cats too.

 

[MoeFridaPearl]

I know exactly how you are feeling, I just joined to forum for a similar reason. We already had two cats but recently a third one has found us, we decided the right thing to do was take her in, have her fixed, vaccinations and introduce her into our household... the introduction to into the household has been going very slowly... and not perfectly smooth. At this point I don’t know if the resident cats will ever accept this stray into their territory. It’s been 5 weeks now and my patience is wearing thin... but I have been anxious since the day we found her. I think it’s because we weren’t seeking out another cat, she found us and this has been really hard. I kind of just want our old life back. Hang in there, one cat is so much fun! And she will be fine while you are at work, when you are away find a cat sitter you trust. Wishing you all the best

 

[Etarre]

You're definitely not alone! Although Juniper turned out to be a wonderfully sweet, well-behaved cat and fairly mellow for a teen (we adopted her at 8 months), she was very skittish when we first adopted her. We understood completely why she was scared of us and of her new home (she had been a stray and the spent a month and a half in a shelter), we did doubt ourselves and our ability to bond well with her and ensure that she was happy with us.

We had also recently lost a senior, well-adjusted cat who was very well bonded with us, so it was a rough transition on many levels. In the end, though, we all adjusted to one another, and couldn't be happier with her. Hang in there, and it will get better. I know it's hard to ignore anxiety completely, but maybe if you're aware that it's normal, that'll help you wait it out a bit.

 

[GraciesParent]

Hi all!

Just wondering how things are turning out for sally cecilia... or anyone else who's experienced crippling post-adoption anxiety.

I'm one week post-adoption of Gracie (pictured) and my anxiety/panic are still as high as they were on day one. (You can get the full scoop in my intro thread.) I'm not really sure what I should do.

Does anyone have any surefire coping strategies? Right now, I feel like going to work and going to bed (she has no access to my bedroom) are my only escapes. And I'm giving serious thought to rehoming her because I feel like I made a huge mistake.

 

[Furballsmom]

GraciesParent I didn't know if you'd seen these?

Struggling (and Failing) To Bond With New Cat
Regretting Adoption Of Cat - Can You Relate?[/QUOTE]

 

[mjhenn]

I also experienced the regret and fear that this is a 15+ year commitment when we adopted our two cats.

I personally found spending time with the cats and playing with them helped. I still have twinges of regret every now and then, especially when we were having alot of issues with our boy. (hiding 24/7, 0 affection, just seemed miserable, which turned out was a side effect of one of his medicines) But it does get better. and more rewarding. Once you both find your groove with each other it really is amazing. And the sense of reward and validation of being able to figure out your cat (because i feel like they are puzzles) and its an ongoing process but it does get better. And as you understand your cat you understand how they like to be loved and how they show you love. Our girl loves being petted all the time and being in laps, where the boy hates being picked up and is lovey and affectionate when he wants it.

I honestly found watching "My cat from hell" helped alot because it helped me understand my cats more. Helps with what certain behaviors mean and that there really isn't a bad cat, just cats whose needs aren't being met and that is coming out via behavioral issues.

It will get better!

 

[RajaNMizu]

I've read through your other thread as well. I had some minor anxiety related to the adoption of Raja and Mizu. I've never lived with cats before. Like you, I need my own space when I sleep and I was concerned that would be an issue (it hasn't been) and having fur on furniture was a concern. Initially, my anxiety was high but it passed after a few days.

Gracie seems to be a great cat. If you don't mind my asking, what do you feel you are escaping when you talk about going to work and bed? Is she doing something that you feel relief when you are no longer in her vicinity? Is it a time when you no longer feel the responsibility?

I think that focusing on the "what should I do?" element of your anxiety about Gracie might increase it. From what I've read, your sister is willing and able to adopt Gracie if needed. I also think giving yourself a time frame might increase your anxiety level as well. You do not need to have a finish line. Just take it a day at a time. If it helps you to write down what made you anxious and perhaps what you enjoyed that day to see a timeline, do so. If at any point you feel you cannot do this then go with your plan B.

I also agree that lack of sleep can alter how you feel about a situation. When my sleeping habits are erratic, I take a .5 mg dose of melatonin to regulate it.

Everything will work out in the end. Good luck no matter what you decide.

 

[MoeFridaPearl]

Don’t give up! She seems like a really sweet lady! Just take the pressure off yourself. It’s ok to feel anxious! I am happy to report my update for you. Our third cat who found her way into our lives is doing great. It took 3 month 10 day before all our cats could calmly spend hours together without screaming and charging. But now I’m at the point where new kitty is only in basecamp at bed time or when we aren’t home. I’m Actually excited to go home and let my kitties hang out!
But most importantly and what I think you need to hear right now is it gets so much better!
I will say it now, I was honestly a little scared of the new kitty at first, she could be really mean! But I tried to be understanding that survival was all she knew before we found her. Now she is very well socialized in the house hold and I don’t see that scary side of her anymore. Let yourself love this kitty and don’t feel pressure to rush things or that you aren’t giving her enough time. Also playing with new kitty is a really important time for you to bond.

 

[GraciesParent]

Thanks, everyone. Truly.

Thanks for the links, Furballsmom, I'll check those out.

RajaNMizu, I think the escape is from the overall anxiety and responsibility (and litter and hair). Being around Gracie triggers the overwhelming panic -- the what ifs, the "what have I done?!?!"s, the regret, the panic, the worries about the future, the (OCD-triggered) stress over the litter scatter and hair, etc.

It's nothing that she does; she's very well-behaved and mellow and affectionate. Being out of the house or in my bedroom feels like me escaping to my "old life" because those are spaces in which she's not. My bedroom space, my job, both of which are cat-free and, therefore, stress-free (comparatively speaking).

I think you're right about the non-stop evaluating (by me) of the situation adding to the anxiety. I'm constantly checking in with myself and the calendar -- how long has it been so far, how much longer do I need to deal with this, how am I feeling, etc.? I'm a writer, so writing stuff down is helpful... and probably also why my posts tend to be so long. I may try doing that before bed as a way of calming my brain.

mjhenn and MoeFridaPearl, I'm doing my best to play with her, but she's only good for about five minutes and then quits. I try to get her running around at least a few times a day, though: once in the morning, once in the afternoon and once in the evening.

Now that she's been here a week, I think she's also catching up on all the sleep she missed the first few days (and the week at the shelter prior to coming here). She's basically spent all day today sleeping.

She does love being brushed, though, so we do that twice a day, as well. She curls up next to me as soon as I sit down on the couch, and follows me from room to room, so thankfully I think she's connecting to me well.

 

[RajaNMizu]

RajaNMizu, I think the escape is from the overall anxiety and responsibility (and litter and hair). Being around Gracie triggers the overwhelming panic -- the what ifs, the "what have I done?!?!"s, the regret, the panic, the worries about the future, the (OCD-triggered) stress over the litter scatter and hair, etc.

It's nothing that she does; she's very well-behaved and mellow and affectionate. Being out of the house or in my bedroom feels like me escaping to my "old life" because those are spaces in which she's not. My bedroom space, my job, both of which are cat-free and, therefore, stress-free (comparatively speaking).

I think you're right about the non-stop evaluating (by me) of the situation adding to the anxiety. I'm constantly checking in with myself and the calendar -- how long has it been so far, how much longer do I need to deal with this, how am I feeling, etc.? I'm a writer, so writing stuff down is helpful... and probably also why my posts tend to be so long. I may try doing that before bed as a way of calming my brain.

Initially, I felt that too. Things that helped: great vacuum cleaner and attachments (don't laugh!) as well as covering my couches with easy to wash blankets that match the decor. A good set of cleaning supplies and a mini dust pan with the litter and litter box. A furminator brush. I don't really have to clean any more than I used to before Raja and Mizu, a few daily chores that really don't take much longer than ten minutes.

As for the "what if's and the worries"...this site was my problem solver. For problems I don't even have! If I'm worried about something my solution is to read about it. Reading calms me down because then I can understand what I might need to know in the future. This could be your solution. I know this doesn't work for everyone. My sister finds that reading about things can produce anxiety for her and she worries about things more...so your mileage may vary.

You mentioned "calming your brain". While I haven't been plagued with it for a long time there was a time when I would over think things. Do you feel like your mind is going over the same things repeatedly looking for solutions? I'm glad you feel writing might help with that and may even short-circuit some of the energy in it.

Overall, I would give it time, without being specific to a time frame. My cats have been wonderful for reducing anxious feelings. I adopted them shortly after the death of my partner and while it was a big lifestyle change for me I absolutely do not regret the adjustment. Wishing you the best.

 

[MoeFridaPearl]

Yeah you totally got this. She sounds like a wonderful cat. I’m a little jealous. You will settle in just fine together. soon you won’t be able to imagine life without her. It’s only been a week! Try to do something relaxing for yourself. What a lucky kittty you have.

 

[GraciesParent]

Moe, I think I'm wondering if I really WANT this, though. I know I *can* do it, but I'm starting to feel like I don't really want a cat in my home.

Rather than a cat mom, maybe I'm destined to be a cat's cool aunt. Because even the fleeting comparatively non-anxious moments, I think, "Nope. This isn't for me. I don't want a cat here permanently."

Raja, I'm like your sister -- the more I read, the more panicked I get... even though I read because I *think* somehow it will help ("the more you know" and all that). I figure if I can learn as much as possible about whatever question/issue I'm having, I can solve it or prevent it... but that doesn't always pan out.

I'm definitely an overthinker... to the point of virtual paralysis: I overthink and worry so much that I then can't make *any* decision lest I make the wrong one.

I'm also a total neat freak, and have an extensive cleaning arsenal. I live in a condo and am feeling claustrophobic due to all the new cat stuff that has made its way into my place in the last week -- the beds, the toys, the litter box, the litter supplies, the scratchers, the cat supplies, the cat food, the treats, etc. I think that's also why being outside my condo or in my cat-free bedroom feels like such a relief.

My current strategy is to ask myself each morning, "Can I do this for one more day?"

 

[Soxy20]

I adopted a 12 week old kitten thanksgiving day and I thought it was something that I really wanted. My son Who was living with me got a kitten back in April and we all fell in love with her she was the baby of the house she was such a good kitten never had any issues with her anywho my son moved out at the end of October I was missing her so much I thought maybe i need a kitten of my own and now that I have one I feel like it’s not for me the first night with Simba was rough he cried all night I got maybe an hour of sleep that night the next morning I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life he was hiding the entire day in my closet he looked so sad at one point I grabbed him and started crying I wanted to take him back I felt like he was never gonna come around that night was better he slept with me in the bed and let me just add he’s the most sweetest kitten ever he loves cuddling so I said how could I give him back everyday seemed to get better I was happy my anxiety started going away until Monday I came home and his paws reeked so bad like poop I wiped them I cleaned him with dawn and water and the smell wouldn’t go away I have a bit of OCD and I started to panic again thinking he’s gonna have to go back I can’t do this it’s too much for me to handle when he poops and is covering it he seems to always back into it and there I go to wipe again to rinse his paws off again will he ever stop doing that we never had this problem with my sons kitten and We got her at 8 weeks I honestly don’t know what to do i feel like it’ll just be so much easier to give him back I don’t want my house smelling like poop but then I look at his little face and the way he loves to snuggle with me and I can’t see myself giving him up. I’m hoping things will get better and that he’ll eventually get the hang of covering his poop without stepping into it