Personality clash among 2 of my cats?

[ellewolfe]

Hello! Just to preface this, we have 6 cats: a 15 yo male, 15 yo Female, 9 yo male, 5 yo male, 2.5 yo male and 1.5 yo female. We've been incredibly lucky that all of our cats have gotten along from basically the first moment they met.

I rescued the 15yo female when she was around 12 and she is incredibly bonded to me. She gets along or tolerates all of the cats and even bonded to the 1.5yo female and pretty much adopted her as her kitten. Except for my 5yo male. He is a weird, chaotic but overly sweet boy who had a rough start at life and nearly died as a kitten from illness so he's kind of become this coddled full-grown baby. He likes to play but seems to have 0 social skills with other cats and reading their social cues, despite growing up with my two older boys. We adopted the 2.5 yo male to be a companion to him and they are very close and cuddle together but they don't play together. He frequently pushes buttons with the other cats to try and lure them into play, but he mostly tries this with the older female. She is old and grumpy to him, does not want to play with him, and doesn't like play in general. We think she was an old woman's lap cat before she was dumped out onto the streets, she has no concept of "playing" and her only language is cuddles.

Frequently at night he ends up chasing her around the house, as she growls and hisses and stresses and I have to intervene and put her in my lap to calm her down. She hides under tables and swats at him. I've tried to deter him but he is so determined to play with her, despite the frequent scratches on the nose she gives him. I've tried loud noises, clapping, separating them, water as a last resort (but he loves water so he thought it was great). If I lock him out of the room he gets severe separation anxiety and just screams and bangs on the door, and opens the handle. He is never aggressive, he has never hissed or growled, his body language remains playful. It's exhausting every night playing gatekeeper. Even right now they are laying on the same table, but her posture is defensive and she rearranges her body so they won't touch, while he is oblivious because he has 2 brain cells.

Is this just a case of personality clash? It's been 3 years and its gotten worse rather than better and I hate seeing her so stressed out. I've been keeping her in my lap basically 24/7 to help her feel safer. Has anyone had luck with the calming cat pheromone diffusers or any other product? I've tried calming room/ fabric sprays and it doesn't seem to help and we did CBD for both for a while with little effect. I wonder also if she is being territorial or defensive towards me, but she usually allows the other cats to share my lap or be near me. Any advice is appreciated.

 

[FeebysOwner]

Hi! After 3 years, the older female apparently hasn't been able to teach him to leave her alone, I'd say it is a personality clash for sure. But I do have some questions to ask first.
Where do all these cats sleep, especially these two?
Is he mostly bothering her at night?
Does he bother her if you are around the two of them?
When he tries to play with the others, how do those interactions go?
Who does he get to play with?

I am asking all of this, because I am going to guess that he really isn't bothering her until he has a chance to do so when no one is around, per se. Despite what you are doing, he seems to think he can get away with it even though you do end up intervening. The rest of my theory kind of depends on your answers to the other questions.

 

[ellewolfe]

At night he sleeps between me and my partners heads and she sleeps at my feet or under the bed. It really the worst when I'm awake doing late work in the office at night. He'll be in and out of the room but she is always on my lap or next to me on a pillow, then he'll get his possessed night zoomies and she becomes his obsession. He also tries to play with the oldest male cat which will last a few minutes before the older cat has had enough and starts to scream like he's being attacked. He plays with the 9 year old cat or the youngest female the most but he doesn't seem to like that as much as harrassing my sweet old lady. We try to exhaust him with a fishing pole toy and laser pointer but he has seemingly endless energy. And yes, he thinks he can get away with pretty much anything. He alternates between being a rambunctious ball of chaos to a sweet, cuddly angel that suckles on his blanket just wants to cuddle that usually makes everyone forget his previous insane behavior. He really didn't get to be a kitten, we rescued him from the side of the road at 4 weeks old and for the next 5-6 weeks he was barely ever awake battling a really bad fever, so I think he really missed out on some prime socialization.

 

[FeebysOwner]

That pic sure makes him look 'devious' (and cute)!!!

Ok, not sure I understand everything. 1.) he chases her while the two of them are in bed with you, even if she is under the bed? and/or 2.) he chases her when you are working late at night and she is in your lap?

For the former, you need to remove him from the bedroom (or, wherever they end up) for a time out, pick him up, hiss in his face or say a strong 'NO" (pick one and stick with it) and place him in a closed bathroom for no more than a minute or two. It has to be repeated each and every time for him to eventually get the hint. It will be tiresome, but no more so than what you are experiencing now. It isn't going to 'kill him' to be put in a short time out.

If you think the reason she is under the bed, then during his time out place her back on the bed with you so she knows it is OK to be there. That will also take time of 'disciplining' him for her to get the hint on what that means for her.

The latter is a whole other story, and that sounds like he is challenging you, so unless you tell me otherwise, I am going to presume I misinterpreted that part.

 

[ellewolfe]

Yeah, so usally he is the worst before bedtime. Everyone else has calmed down and is relaxing/sleeping and he decides its go time and chases her around my desk area/the office and she hides under my side table growling. I usually grab him and say NO and he just looks at me like I've gravely insulted him and then sulks away before running back with full force to start again. Its a whole nightime routine now.

Oh and yes, when she is in my lap he will come up behind my chair and try to poke at her, obviously upsetting her.

 

[FeebysOwner]

The only way I know to try to stop the behavior is to do what I said before - you need to remove him from the bedroom (or, wherever they end up) for a time out, pick him up, hiss in his face or say a strong 'NO" (pick one and stick with it) and place him in a closed bathroom for no more than a minute or two. It has to be repeated each and every time for him to eventually get the hint. It will be tiresome, but no more so than what you are experiencing now. It isn't going to 'kill him' to be put in a short time out.

 

[Kwik]

Hi there ellewolfe
Lol,he's a brazen lil fellow,isn't he& half the problem is he's just too dang cute!!!!
At the time he was very ill and be coddled by the hoomans is about the time Mama cat is teaching manners and boundaries- this little guy knows none,imo
I agree 100percent with FeebysOwner ,it's monotonous,tiring,not for the faint of heart but if you want to set things straight you've got to be immediate with correction and also with praise(:reward)....Cats have a very very short attention span,except when they are fixed on prey( your older girl is sort of his "prey" and a well fed cat is not out to hunt & kill for food,still the instinct is hunt and " play"..... He's fixating & before he pokes , when he's ready to is when you correct,as FeebysOwner said a loud " hiss" into the bathroom- you see,you've got his attention if only for a minute or two,long time outs are meaningless for a cat- it just creates other issues
Then when he approaches with your girl on your lap ,after about 700 times ( lol):you give him the look that accompanies the hiss and when he responds desirably" good boy,a pet, praise"......After 999 times he won't even try you.....She acts like prey,that's not going to change,he imprinted on you I take it so do what Mamas do ...
Please just remember one thing,correction works best in connection with reward.. imo the water bottle is not a good thing,if it were set up where water came from nowhere then it's environmental training,which there's nothing better but cats quickly associate a water bottle with you and that'lll get you nowhere very quickly,lol
I hope you find it helpful,I thought I'd chime in as confirmation that you've gotten very sound as advice......