One Year Later

kendradoodle

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I have not been active on this site in many years. I started posting as a wide-eyed 17 year old with my first kitten, Scout. I posted again a few years later after I rescued my baby girl, Cally from a tree.

Since then, I have moved across the country (again), worked up the ladder in my career, started school to become a vet tech, and met my future husband who loves kitties just as much as I do. Cally and Scout were with me through it all.

In April of 2020, Cally fell ill suddenly. She had an extremely aggressive case of lymphoma that was affecting her liver and quickly spreading. She was put to sleep before we made it to her first chemo appointment; she was deteriorating too quickly. She was only 5 years old. For a week and a half leading her to passing, I spent every waking hour caring for her. Medicating her, feeding her, and wiping her down with a damp rag since she stopped grooming herself.

After her passing, I was rife with grief, regret, and "what if?" in my mind. I lost 15 pounds. This was the first time I had ever had to make the decision to allow a pet to pass on.

In April of 2021, I finally hit the one-year mark of her death. This was a date I had been dreading. I was still not healed from losing my baby. I found myself bawling in the car, praying to a god that I don't believe in, to please tell me that she's okay. I just needed to know she was okay, and that she knew I still love her and miss her dearly.

The next night I vividly dreamed about her. In the dream, she was healthy and happy. I simply pet her. Her brother, Scout, (who is still with us) was there too. That was the whole dream. I simply sat there, petting my two loves. It was so peaceful and it felt so real. I was given another moment with my baby girl. I woke up feeling fully rested. Scout was sleeping next to me, which he never does.

I have cried more tears this past year than most other years. I felt more heartbreak than ever before. That day I woke up, one year later, was the first day that I felt truly at peace about her death.

I still miss her, of course. But I no longer hide her favorite bed from my sight. It is on the bay window, facing outside so she can watch the birds and squirrels. I have since adopted 2 more friends for Scout, who he loves dearly. I truly think that she sent them to me. Especially Maple, the wily, former-feral tortie with a half-orange face that resembles Cally. Maple sleeps with my every night, just like Cally used to. I am so thankful for the memories I have of her. One day I hope I'll see her again.
 

misty8723

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I understand your pain. I don't think I've ever had to do anything harder in my life than sit holding little Darcy in my lap as the vet administrated euthanasia. She was only 6 months old and had gotten FIP. I nursed her the best I could for 2 months after the diagnosis before she got to the point nothing else would help and she was so miserable. One month to the day I had a dream about her that she was running and I was chasing her, so afraid she was going to get hurt. She ran into a building and I followed her. When I got into the building, she was curled up in a bed with a small white kitten. I just stood there and watched her, knowing that she was okay. She sent me a gift. I think they all do one way or another, we just don't always recognize it for what it is.
 

di and bob

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Yes, I believe she knows your pain and tried to send you some comfort. You may not believe in that 'God' you were praying to, but you knew deep down, instinctively, that something was missing from your life and you needed comfort and answers that only He can provide......
It took me MANY years to accept my Chrissy's death. There will always be regret and feeling something is missing from your life. It is the nature of grief. You forge ahead and make a new life's order for yourself, you learn to live with the pain. It DOES get better, time is the only thing that helps with dulling the sharp edges of grief. A little one's passing can be much harder to learn to accept, because they are so innocent, so giving of themselves. Especially in one as young as yours. A grieving heart knows no difference, it just knows it is in pain. Love is spiritual, so eternal. Your Cally's love will always be deep in your soul. It will reside there welcoming other loves to help it grow even stronger, it will forever be a source of comfort if you let it. And one day you will. Always remember, "Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened". if you had never meant her, never had her share your life's journey for a while, yes you would have avoided the pain, but it is a treasure for your soul and you are richer for it.
Live your life as you would want for her to go on if you were the first to go, that is love. She would never want to cause you such pain. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, life demands we engage in it and seek its beauty, the body cannot withstand the pain of grief forever.
Your pain is a personal one. No one in the whole world had a relationship, a love, like you two shared. So you suffer alone. But you can surround yourself with others, like on here, who understand, who can relate to what you are going through. Can help to be beside you as you work through your grief and help to comfort you when you fall. And there will be those times, those anniversaries that remind us of our pain and bring up all those feelings. We will be here, somehow we find comfort in comforting others because we are all joined together in our love and our loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you now and always. Your little girl will continue to parallel your life's journey in spirit and continue to love you from beyond. Because love never dies, death cannot take it from you. Your sweet girl is at peace because she has your love, you were with her to the end, and it brought her comfort.......RIP dear Cally. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 
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les26

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I am so sorry for your loss back then, it is so hard to deal with and takes about 1.5 years until we sort of come to grips with it, it never goes away but we learn to live and deal with it.

Sometimes these bad things just happen, you took great care of her and did all that you could do for her. Grief is a mental and physical game player and will toy with you for awhile, but eventually it too loses it's grip as you heal. Anniversaries are tough, especially in the first few years.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

You will meet again and it will be wonderful, I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....:alright: :grouphug2: :rbheart:
 

Babypaws

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I have not been active on this site in many years. I started posting as a wide-eyed 17 year old with my first kitten, Scout. I posted again a few years later after I rescued my baby girl, Cally from a tree.

Since then, I have moved across the country (again), worked up the ladder in my career, started school to become a vet tech, and met my future husband who loves kitties just as much as I do. Cally and Scout were with me through it all.

In April of 2020, Cally fell ill suddenly. She had an extremely aggressive case of lymphoma that was affecting her liver and quickly spreading. She was put to sleep before we made it to her first chemo appointment; she was deteriorating too quickly. She was only 5 years old. For a week and a half leading her to passing, I spent every waking hour caring for her. Medicating her, feeding her, and wiping her down with a damp rag since she stopped grooming herself.

After her passing, I was rife with grief, regret, and "what if?" in my mind. I lost 15 pounds. This was the first time I had ever had to make the decision to allow a pet to pass on.

In April of 2021, I finally hit the one-year mark of her death. This was a date I had been dreading. I was still not healed from losing my baby. I found myself bawling in the car, praying to a god that I don't believe in, to please tell me that she's okay. I just needed to know she was okay, and that she knew I still love her and miss her dearly.

The next night I vividly dreamed about her. In the dream, she was healthy and happy. I simply pet her. Her brother, Scout, (who is still with us) was there too. That was the whole dream. I simply sat there, petting my two loves. It was so peaceful and it felt so real. I was given another moment with my baby girl. I woke up feeling fully rested. Scout was sleeping next to me, which he never does.

I have cried more tears this past year than most other years. I felt more heartbreak than ever before. That day I woke up, one year later, was the first day that I felt truly at peace about her death.

I still miss her, of course. But I no longer hide her favorite bed from my sight. It is on the bay window, facing outside so she can watch the birds and squirrels. I have since adopted 2 more friends for Scout, who he loves dearly. I truly think that she sent them to me. Especially Maple, the wily, former-feral tortie with a half-orange face that resembles Cally. Maple sleeps with my every night, just like Cally used to. I am so thankful for the memories I have of her. One day I hope I'll see her again.
OMG…I feel the same as you…I lost “My Little Man” (as I would call him, his name was Tiger) in March of this year. He was only 11 months old, suddenly became sick and wasn’t as playful, wouldn’t eat much or drink. Long story is the Urgent Care vet told me since he was the runt of the litter his organs weren’t fully developed. He started having seizures and had tubes in nose, throat and lost his eyesite, I had to make a decision, I couldn’t see him suffering so they put him to sleep. I’ve cried every day, keep picturing him and his little head butts, can’t believe he’s gone. i have a lot of indoor cats and he’s the youngest cat I’ve lost. like you I pray everyday there is a heaven for animals and he’s at peace now and knows how much I love and miss him. What makes things even harder is that I lost my youngest son in August 2019 and am still grieving for him.
 
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