My little Pumpkin died today

[mrsgreenjeens]

I am just now seeing this thread and am so very, very sorry for your loss. I know just how devastated you are, having been there too many times myself . Time does may the loss easier to bear. You will certainly never forget your sweet baby, but with time, as mentioned earlier, you will think of the good times you had together rather than the fact that he is no longer in this physical plane. He is, however, and always will be, in your heart.

You need to forgive yourself, as you did nothing wrong. I believe every single person who has ever had to have an animal put to sleep questions themselves and wonders if anything could have been different. It's only natural. But you gave him the greatest gift you could have, you set him free of his pain while causing yourself more than you've ever felt before . That is true love.

 

[dianajune]

I am just now seeing this thread and am so very, very sorry for your loss. I know just how devastated you are, having been there too many times myself . Time does may the loss easier to bear. You will certainly never forget your sweet baby, but with time, as mentioned earlier, you will think of the good times you had together rather than the fact that he is no longer in this physical plane. He is, however, and always will be, in your heart.

You need to forgive yourself, as you did nothing wrong. I believe every single person who has ever had to have an animal put to sleep questions themselves and wonders if anything could have been different. It's only natural. But you gave him the greatest gift you could have, you set him free of his pain while causing yourself more than you've ever felt before . That is true love.

That is very kind of you to say, Thank you! <hugs>

 

[iPappy]

The urn and pawprint are beautiful. It was very bittersweet for me getting those things back, but in a way it felt like a small form of closure and very relieving to have them back. I tell myself that their physical remains are safe at home, their spirits are with me, and their souls are in Heaven. If that is true, then none of us can lose.
On your own health issues....when Tag became ill, I was in a bad state myself with it and I've always wondered if that had something to do with not necessarily his disease, but the progression. At the time, I had another dog, and 3 cats in my house. They remained healthy but he did not. I was a bit of a mess for the entire time he was sick because I refused to believe that something could take him from me like that.
When Goofy, my 15 year old cat, became rapidly affected by cancer and was in the ER on Christmas morning, I decided I was going to do EVERYTHING I could to not allow that depression to set in. Maybe, if I could do that, he would somehow beat it. And I did pretty good, I think. I kept the house calm, clean, and offered a lot of support to him (medically, emotionally, etc.) I took better care of myself. Goofy died 2 weeks later. So that told me that while our moods affect them, they can't really cause things like that.

 

[dianajune]

The urn and pawprint are beautiful. It was very bittersweet for me getting those things back, but in a way it felt like a small form of closure and very relieving to have them back. I tell myself that their physical remains are safe at home, their spirits are with me, and their souls are in Heaven. If that is true, then none of us can lose.
On your own health issues....when Tag became ill, I was in a bad state myself with it and I've always wondered if that had something to do with not necessarily his disease, but the progression. At the time, I had another dog, and 3 cats in my house. They remained healthy but he did not. I was a bit of a mess for the entire time he was sick because I refused to believe that something could take him from me like that.
When Goofy, my 15 year old cat, became rapidly affected by cancer and was in the ER on Christmas morning, I decided I was going to do EVERYTHING I could to not allow that depression to set in. Maybe, if I could do that, he would somehow beat it. And I did pretty good, I think. I kept the house calm, clean, and offered a lot of support to him (medically, emotionally, etc.) I took better care of myself. Goofy died 2 weeks later. So that told me that while our moods affect them, they can't really cause things like that.

Thank you! I am very sorry about your loss!

I just got up from a short nap. This might sound nutty, but I brought his urn to the bedroom and set it on the bed next to my spot. His pillow and extra blankets are still next to mine. I just can't break up that arrangement yet.

After I got up, I put Pumpkin's urn back in its spot in that window. I thought he'd prefer it to be there.

I wish the healing process wasn't so long and drawn out. I appreciate everyone's support. It means a great deal to me

 

[Alldara]

I am so so sorry for your loss. It was so sudden, but you did all you could. Pumpkin's life was enriched by your love.

 

[Alldara]

My pain seems to be getting worse. I can't stop crying. There is no one else I can turn to for help (I'm not referring to here but in person.) I am scared of living alone. Pumpkin is literally all I had for over 11 years and now he is gone.

Please tell me this will get better. Please.

It gets easier. It truly does. This feeling will pass. I had Nobel for 17 years and loosing him has been hard. There was a lot of low at first, but it gets easier even when there's still sad days or hours.

 

[KittyCat_chitchat]

My heart was broken when I lost my collie suddenly last year. She was That One Pet you get in your life where your hearts beat as one, and she'd kept me going through a lot of bad experiences and clinical depression. I thought the pain would never stop, but, slowly, day by day, it got a little easier. The sun still rises in the morning, you still get up, eat your breakfast, go about your day. As the one left, carrying all those precious memories, you go on living for both of you: yourself, and the loved one you have lost. Gradually, the painful memories of the last day fade, and the happy ones remain, letting you know that you gave this animal a wonderful life. It takes time, but it will get better.

 

[di and bob]

You gave him a wonderful gift holding him as he passed, bringing him comfort. You also gave him what he wanted most in life, a home, care, and someone to love him.....
Having lost many loved ones over the years, I can tell you it does get better in time. Time is the only thing that helps. With time, your grief eventually turns in to gratefullness for having him share your life. but it seesaws back and forth forever it seems. The bond you share is spiritual, so eternal. It will be with you both and you can use it to send love and prayers back and forth. He is at peace because of this bond, so go forward into the future and live it as you would have wanted him to go on if you were the first to go. That is love and he wants no less.
My heart breaks for your pain. we are here to show you it does get better, you will survive, and grow stronger from it. But for now you must grieve, please know you are not alone, we share your pain.....RIP precious Pumpkin. You will never be frogotten, you will always haev a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Mia6]

I am so very sorry.

Love,
Mia

 

[dianajune]

I am so so sorry for your loss. It was so sudden, but you did all you could. Pumpkin's life was enriched by your love.

Thank you!

 

[dianajune]

It gets easier. It truly does. This feeling will pass. I had Nobel for 17 years and loosing him has been hard. There was a lot of low at first, but it gets easier even when there's still sad days or hours.

Thank you! Even going out of the apartment today to run an errand was very hard. I didn't want to leave his ashes behind. That might sound nuts, but I am having separation anxiety even now.

 

[dianajune]

My heart was broken when I lost my collie suddenly last year. She was That One Pet you get in your life where your hearts beat as one, and she'd kept me going through a lot of bad experiences and clinical depression. I thought the pain would never stop, but, slowly, day by day, it got a little easier. The sun still rises in the morning, you still get up, eat your breakfast, go about your day. As the one left, carrying all those precious memories, you go on living for both of you: yourself, and the loved one you have lost. Gradually, the painful memories of the last day fade, and the happy ones remain, letting you know that you gave this animal a wonderful life. It takes time, but it will get better.

Thank you!

There are times when I questioned - even after his passing - my fitness as a pet parent. I have severe and chronic mental and physical issues. There were times when I'd be on the phone, for example, having an angry conversation with someone re. my struggle for affordable healthcare, a mobile phone provider who gave me lousy customer service etc. My voice always carries loudly. I don't know why.

Anyway, I know there were times when i'd have one of those conversations and if Pumpkin was in the same room, he'd leave it during one of my phone rants. I tried to keep my voice down but at times it wasn't possible.

More recently, I had one of those conversations where Pumpkin was not in the room but I was on the phone about a customer SVC issue that really bothered me and one of my next door neighbours heard me as she was going down the hall. I was mortified, She didn't tell me to make ma feel bad, she just wanted me to be aware of how loud I was.

I never thought my voice carried that loudly, So if she heard it going down the hall, Pumpkin must have heard it too even if he was napping. I am devastated. I would never do anything intentionally to bother him, At all.

So today I texted that same neighbour about the idea I mentioned here (re. getting a foster cat). I reminded her of that loud phone call I had recently and told her that at times, as she knew before from previous conversations with her, how I questioned my fitness of being a pet parent. I told her about this program and asked for her thoughts on it.

That text went out to her over two hours ago and she hasn't yet responded. I don't know why.

I tried to tell Pumpkin many times that when Mommy got upset on the phone, it had nothing to do with him and I hope he understood what I was trying to say,

I made a point in telling him multiple times daily, including on the day he died, how much I loved him. I did this because as a child, I rarely heard those words. I grew up abused.

Was I a fit pet parent? Did I really make Pumpkin's life better? Would I be a fit pet parent for a foster cat? These are questions that I keep asking myself. Self esteem has always been an issue for me. My own mother belittled me a lot while I was growing up.

That my neighbour hasn't responded yet bothers me. Could anyone here please tell me what you think. Thank you.

 

[dianajune]

You gave him a wonderful gift holding him as he passed, bringing him comfort. You also gave him what he wanted most in life, a home, care, and someone to love him.....
Having lost many loved ones over the years, I can tell you it does get better in time. Time is the only thing that helps. With time, your grief eventually turns in to gratefullness for having him share your life. but it seesaws back and forth forever it seems. The bond you share is spiritual, so eternal. It will be with you both and you can use it to send love and prayers back and forth. He is at peace because of this bond, so go forward into the future and live it as you would have wanted him to go on if you were the first to go. That is love and he wants no less.
My heart breaks for your pain. we are here to show you it does get better, you will survive, and grow stronger from it. But for now you must grieve, please know you are not alone, we share your pain.....RIP precious Pumpkin. You will never be frogotten, you will always haev a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

Thank you! Please keep me in your prayers. I am devastated and am still questioning whether or not I was a good Mommy to my little boy, I loved him to pieces. I hope he knew this, in spite of my mental and physical limitations.

 

[dianajune]

I am so very sorry.

Love,
Mia

Thank you!

 

[dianajune]

Thank you!

There are times when I questioned - even after his passing - my fitness as a pet parent. I have severe and chronic mental and physical issues. There were times when I'd be on the phone, for example, having an angry conversation with someone re. my struggle for affordable healthcare, a mobile phone provider who gave me lousy customer service etc. My voice always carries loudly. I don't know why.

Anyway, I know there were times when i'd have one of those conversations and if Pumpkin was in the same room, he'd leave it during one of my phone rants. I tried to keep my voice down but at times it wasn't possible.

More recently, I had one of those conversations where Pumpkin was not in the room but I was on the phone about a customer SVC issue that really bothered me and one of my next door neighbours heard me as she was going down the hall. I was mortified, She didn't tell me to make ma feel bad, she just wanted me to be aware of how loud I was.

I never thought my voice carried that loudly, So if she heard it going down the hall, Pumpkin must have heard it too even if he was napping. I am devastated. I would never do anything intentionally to bother him, At all.

So today I texted that same neighbour about the idea I mentioned here (re. getting a foster cat). I reminded her of that loud phone call I had recently and told her that at times, as she knew before from previous conversations with her, how I questioned my fitness of being a pet parent. I told her about this program and asked for her thoughts on it.

That text went out to her over two hours ago and she hasn't yet responded. I don't know why.

I tried to tell Pumpkin many times that when Mommy got upset on the phone, it had nothing to do with him and I hope he understood what I was trying to say,

I made a point in telling him multiple times daily, including on the day he died, how much I loved him. I did this because as a child, I rarely heard those words. I grew up abused.

Was I a fit pet parent? Did I really make Pumpkin's life better? Would I be a fit pet parent for a foster cat? These are questions that I keep asking myself. Self esteem has always been an issue for me. My own mother belittled me a lot while I was growing up.

That my neighbour hasn't responded yet bothers me. Could anyone here please tell me what you think. Thank you.

I would appreciate a response. This is killing me

 

[Margot Lane]

I would appreciate a response. This is killing me

I think almost every one of us here has at some point raised their voice in the presence of a cat, esp. when dealing with ineptitude on the telephone. I think it’s just part of having to be human, tho I personally struggle to be civil and courteous, even in the face of doom. The fact that your neighbor hasn’t replied should be of no concern to you…some folks just like their privacy and don’t wish to get involved in dealing with a neighbor. Cats are very forgiving, loving, in the moment creatures. I think you always need to live your life without cramping your emotions to the point of being too sensitive. You sound like a very caring pet owner.

 

[dianajune]

I think almost every one of us here has at some point raised their voice in the presence of a cat, esp. when dealing with ineptitude on the telephone. I think it’s just part of having to be human, tho I personally struggle to be civil and courteous, even in the face of doom. The fact that your neighbor hasn’t replied should be of no concern to you…some folks just like their privacy and don’t wish to get involved in dealing with a neighbor. Cats are very forgiving, loving, in the moment creatures. I think you always need to live your life without cramping your emotions to the point of being too sensitive. You sound like a very caring pet owner.

Thank you! I've been under tremendous pressure due to my health problems, his, the pandemic, being isolated for several years from members of my family including my father and brother....an aunt died a couple of years ago and someone stole from her AND got away with it. I could go on. but I think I made my point, I did my best to be a good Mommy to my little boy and am hoping he understood that I truly loved him and always will. Even on my worst days when nothing seems to go right. These phone rants didn't happen very often but when they did, I always felt as low as an ant. I try to keep mindful of those around me, including him.

I would love to open my home to another animal in need, even if it's temporary, like with that foster pet program. I need to fill this void that Pumpkin's death left in my life. Right now I feel that I have no purpose HE was my purpose, HE kept me going when no one else would. My focus all of those years was to try and make this world a better place for him.

Pumpkins' life was too short.

 

[iPappy]

The only bad thing about cats is they just don't live long enough.
And I've raised my voice before. I also drop things, make noise, etc. I do things they don't understand and even if the cats choose to go to another room, they seem to understand that it's not directed at them. I've been in situations where I'm with people who are obviously annoyed at one another, and while it's obvious they're not annoyed at me, my choice is to just remove myself from the situation until things settle down. I think that's what cats do.
On the foster pet program...do they have a shelter, or is it a network of volunteers that foster in their homes only?

 

[dianajune]

The only bad thing about cats is they just don't live long enough.
And I've raised my voice before. I also drop things, make noise, etc. I do things they don't understand and even if the cats choose to go to another room, they seem to understand that it's not directed at them. I've been in situations where I'm with people who are obviously annoyed at one another, and while it's obvious they're not annoyed at me, my choice is to just remove myself from the situation until things settle down. I think that's what cats do.
On the foster pet program...do they have a shelter, or is it a network of volunteers that foster in their homes only?

I always seemed to make noise at the worst possible times. For example, whenever I had to take my mobile phone off silent mode into regular, the noise bothered him if he was nearby. I tried not to do this in front of him, I tried to keep the TV down low too and my computer and tablet. He never liked the vacuums I had over the years, carpet shampooers or even carpet sweepers (including the manual one, that never made much noise at all).

From what I read about the foster pet parent program, for now this shelter has a network of volunteers that foster them in homes only and once they are done remodeling their new building, the pets will go there. They may still have in-home fostering after that. I'll have to look into it

First I have to speak with someone in the office here to see if I would be allowed to do this. I didn't know until after he passed that the emotional support animal certification can go from one pet to another. If this would pertain to foster pets, I don't know.

I don't want anyone to think less of me. I loved him with all of my heart even with all of my limitations. I would give anything to have him back.

 

[dianajune]

I read through Gareth's post about when the time comes for us pet parents to let go of our babies, and this part really got to me:

He spoke of being proud of those who've made that decision but I am not proud of myself, I've always been hyper-critical of myself. I've always felt unworthy of being loved. Maybe it's because of being raised in an abusive environment. I always, since childhood, preferred the company of animals to people.

I always examined myself with a fine tooth comb, questioning my every move. When Pumpkin died, I asked myself (more than before he died) was I REALLY good enough for him? Did I truly deserve the blessing of having him in my life? I had many physical and mental health issues to deal with over the years and I just wanted him to know how much I loved him, I said this to him every single day, multiple times each day because as a child, I rarely heard those words.

As a child, I was determined that if I was to have my own children (I never did, cancer took that choice away from me) I would tell them as often as possible how much they were loved. Pumpkin wasn't my human child but I still thought of him as my baby.

Even as often as I'd get stressed out over things that were out of my control, I still loved him with all of my heart. I wish I could tell him this one more time. I need to hug him once more. Snuggle once more. Say "I love you" once more.

There I go again, I feel like I'm rambling. I am still a hot mess. I miss him.