My Grandpa just died..

[northernglow]

Maybe not the correct place for this but I feel like writing this makes me feel a bit better.. My sister called me about an hour ago and told me that Grandpa (mom's dad) had died few hours ago. It was not a surprise, he was hospitalized nearly 2 weeks ago and we knew he wasn't coming back.

We weren't very close, specially not in the last few years because he had suffered a stroke and hardly recognized any of us who he didn't see all the time. He is the first closely related person in my family who has died while I've existed. All my other grandparents are still alive. Might sound odd, but I didn't really feel much anything, maybe a bit relief when I heard about this. I'm more worried of his cat.

My mom had been taking care of him so he was able to live at his home pretty much until the end. Mom also stresses very easily about everything and obviously her dad having to be hospitalized was a major blow for her. Maybe she felt she had failed? It lead to her having kind of a breakdown this morning and she was also in a hospital for few hours (way too high blood pressure, and she's been on medication because of it for years). After she got home, her dad passed. She just called me to tell me, I told her that my sister had just called also. But this is what makes it hard: her voice..I haven't heard her sound like that for over 20 years.. It was so hard to hold back the tears when I listened to her sadness and pain. I'm surprised, since I didn't know I care so much about her, we haven't exactly been the most perfect family ever.. 

Is it normal not to grieve over someone's death (I feel guilty because the death doesn't really bother me, he's my grandpa after all), but to be more devastated because of the way the death has broken someone else's world (my mom's in this case)?

Yeah, i'm just rambling. Just had to wrote it down.

 

[jcat]

My condolences. It must be very rough for your mother after having taken care of him.

It's normal not to feel much grief if you weren't close to him and/or death represented a release from the situation he was in following the stroke. Everybody reacts to a death in their own way, and the reaction is very dependent on the individual circumstances. Sometimes all you feel initially is numb, with grief setting in after you realize that the person is gone for good.

 

[kookycats]

My condolences on your loss.  Since we werent' that close to him in the last years I think it's quite normal not to feel the kind of grief you would feel for someone you were close to.   I don't think you should feel guilt, but be there for your mom who must need you now.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

I'm so sorry to hear that.  I do think it's normal; since you were not close to him.  But it would also be perfectly normal if days, weeks or years down the road you were sad because he is gone.

My Grandpa passed last summer and it was the first time I have EVER heard my Dad cry when he called to tell me.  That was just as rough as hearing Grandpa was gone; which a part of me knew had happened.  My Aunt went above and beyond to take care of him and my Gram the last...gosh at least 5 years.  Both have/had alzheimer's/dementia and Grandpa had suffered several strokes.  He required a lot of care.  Thank the Lord my Aunt is a nurse.  One of my cousins is a nurse also and my other cousin worked as a unit aid during college; so they were able to be a bit of trained help too.  But my Aunt was just the epitome of dedication.  He was in a nursing home when he passed.  I know it was beyond hard for her to let him stay there; where he really needed to be.  Sorry that is so long; I just hope that helps you see how someone else has been there too.  What most has stuck with me from my Grandpa's funeral was watching my Aunt just tenderly stroke his cheek and hold his hand just before they closed the casket.  (Now I'm crying...

)  My family isn't super emotional; but they do love deeply.  It's just actions more than words.  And I too felt a bit of relief when he passed; just because I know how hard his last years were.  How he was just a shell of the man he once was.  I think I grieved long ago for who he used to be.  Does that make sense.  Hope that helps you and your family through this time.

 

[northernglow]

Thank you. I think the guilt partly comes from the fact that I have mourned  a lot more the loss of a 'family friend' who I used to be very close to as a kid, didn't even see her for several years, and when she died I was so incredibly sad. I couldn't even say anything to her husband in her funeral because I just couldn't stop crying if I had to speak to anyone.. I still have hard time because of it, she was the nicest person I have ever met. Also a friend who I lost years ago made me feel a lot more, and he wasn't even the closest friend.

The last time I saw my Grandpa was in Xmas. He seemed ok back then, we were at my aunt's place and most of the closest family from mom's side was there. I think that is a good one for the 'last memory' of him.

MoochNNoodles, my aunt is a nurse too. However she has been going through some drama herself lately (30 year relationship broken, man left with another woman, she's now alone with a teenager) so she hasn't been quite as much involved as my mom in the caring of their father. This must be very overwhelming for her too with all that others stuff going on..

I tried to hint mom that I could try to make some of the funeral arrangements if I'm given 'guidelines' so they don't have to go through it if they don't want to (there was a reason why I made an assumption that they maybe wouldn't want to), but I don't think they want my help in that field.. mom brought up the funeral subject already a week ago, so I guess she has already done something.

 

[nebula]

Everyone mourns in different ways. Some more than others, and some take it harder than others; it isn't about the right or wrong way to mourn, it's about what works for you.

Sorry to hear about your grandpa, It is never easy to lose someome.

 

[nurseangel]

I'm very sorry.  And I agree with what everyone else has said.  You are naturally very concerned for your mom.  My heart goes to your family. 

 

[my4llma]

I'm so sorry to read this

 

[coolcat]

My deep condelences to you and relatives...

 

[calico2222]

Hon, I am so sorry 

 . As everyone else said, everyone mourns in their own way. After my mom died and during the days until the funeral I shut down. At the viewing and funeral I didn't shed a tear. I took care of her 24/7 for 1 1/2 yrs while she died of cancer and made all the funeral arrangements. I overheard comments of me being "unfeeling" and "didn't care" at the viewing, but the truth was if I had actually let myself FEEL I would have lost it and made a fool of myself. So I waited until everything was over and I could fall apart in peace.

On the other hand, when my Granddad passed away, I cried. He died a few weeks before my mom and I was very close to my Granddad. He was 92 and while his mind was still sharp his body was giving out. I felt sad but happy that his passing was peaceful. I mainly cried because of how upset my mom was. I teared up for my loss, but I cried for her pain. Does that make sense?

And, don't feel slighted for your mom not accepting your offer to make the arrangements. Planning of the funeral provides closure in a way. Not only honor the one that passed, but it gives the grieving something to concentrate on to keep their mind from thinking. Plus, if she already mentioned it in the past week or so she probably knew it was coming and already knows what she wants. I don't know what the traditions are in your country, but here there is usually a get together with food for the attenders. You may want to see if she wants help with that or arranging transportation for out-of-towners or something like that.

Again, I'm so sorry your family is having to experience this. It is never easy even if you know it's coming. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[parsleysage]

I am so sorry.  Take comfort in your memories of your grandfather - but in your own way, not measuring yourself against others' reactions or expectations.  Not everyone has the same relationship with certain family members.  My brother has been in combat zones in Iraq/Afghanistan for a total of five years (spread over seven tours of duty) and I could never bring myself to feel scared or nervous or emotional in any way even though my whole family was upset and worried.  I love my brother and we were very close when I was a little girl - I just didn't feel anything, and eventually stopped expecting myself to.  Who knows what it is that makes me like that - maybe psychological defense, maybe a symptom of my depression, maybe my brain is just put together wrong.  Whatever the case, I cherish my time with him when he is home and that will have to be good enough. 

Regardless, you have my warm thoughts with you and your family!

 

[tarasgirl06]

My heartfelt condolences to you and your mom and sister, for your loss.  I lost my grandfather when I was 6, and this was my first loss, also, so what you say resonates a lot with me.  No matter the circumstances, when you lose a loved one, it always has an impact, whether right away, or as time goes on.  In time, I hope you are all able to be comforted by good memories of your grandfather in better times, and know that, while no family is perfect, you did share relationship, and love.  

You mention your grandfather's cat.  I hope and pray (s)he is in good and loving care? 

 

[ruthyb]

I'm so sorry hun

 I think what you are feeling is totally normal, especially if you weren't that close towards the end. I have found that with my nan whom I used to be amazingly close to now she has severe memory loss she isn't quite the same nana anymore and its kind of like I said goodbye to her a while back. Either that or it just hasn't properely sunk in yet, sometimes it takes a while, or could be just that if he is elderly when they die its not as bad as someone young. It must be very hard on your mum, my hubbys mum and dad died within a year of each other and dear me, I have never seen her in such a state, just be there for your mum and support her.xx

 

[northernglow]

Thank you everyone. 

 

 
You mention your grandfather's cat.  I hope and pray (s)he is in good and loving care? 

Yes, she (Misu is her name, black bi-color DSH) used to be my aunt's cat but she had to give her to my grandpa looong time ago (maybe 12 years ago?) because her daughter was very allergic. The cat is now 16 years old, used to be an indoor cat but has been mostly outdoors while living with grandpa who lived in the middle of nowhere (no hostile neighbors, very little traffic etc.). My aunt was thinking of taking the cat back but the daughter is still allergic and they live in an apartment complex so the cat would have to stay indoors. My aunt's uncle who lives somewhere near grandpa's place has been taking care of the cat while grandpa was in hospital. (The cat can get indoors if she wants). I'm fairly sure that either aunt will be taking her back or then her uncle takes the cat. My aunt has all these years taken care of the cat's vet visits and bought all of her food, so I have a strong feeling she'll try to adjust her to being an indoor kitty again, she is quite well behaved kitty. The bigger problem is the allergic daughter..

 

[meuzettesmom]

This is so sad. I avoided it for a day before giving my condolence's. I would like to say the pain will go away with time. But some times it doesn't. Sometimes it goes into a fine hum in your soul. You always remember yet the tears aren't coming anymore. Can say you maynot feel the floor go out from under you everytime you remember or hear his name. It will always be apart of you now.

 

[Winchester]

I'm very sorry about your grandfather. You have to grieve your own way and if you don't feel the loss that intensely, that's OK, too. Give your mom a hug, though.....she really needs one.

 

[tarasgirl06]

At her age, this cat belongs indoors-only anyway (I agree with other caring people that ALL cats except feral cats belong indoors-only, no matter where they live, for their own safety and health, and caregivers' peace of mind).  I hope and pray she will be indoors very soon.  As for allergies, there are many OTC and prescription drugs that address this issue, as well as topical grooming aids for cats themselves, to alleviate this problem.  I know many people who claim to be allergic, but whose love for cats is greater than their medical issues; they use these drugs and/or topical treatments and would never dream of being separated from the cats they love. 

 

[northernglow]

At her age, this cat belongs indoors-only anyway (I agree with other caring people that ALL cats except feral cats belong indoors-only, no matter where they live, for their own safety and health, and caregivers' peace of mind).  I hope and pray she will be indoors very soon.  As for allergies, there are many OTC and prescription drugs that address this issue, as well as topical grooming aids for cats themselves, to alleviate this problem.  I know many people who claim to be allergic, but whose love for cats is greater than their medical issues; they use these drugs and/or topical treatments and would never dream of being separated from the cats they love. 

I know, and I agree. The cat is in good condition as far as I know, and she used to be an indoor cat so I'm sure she'd get used to it again, eventually. My aunt's daughter just has very bad cat and dog allergies, and my aunt being a nurse knows probably if it could be taken care of somehow. They had a dog several years ago, but had to give it away because the daughter just couldn't handle it (and she loved the dog very dearly) even with her allergy medication back then. I don't know much about animal allergies since I don't have them, but her nose would bleed (blood that is) very often and she was sneezing all the time, while on medication. The daughter seems to be able to visit people with pets if she doesn't interact with them at all.

The funeral will be next week, on Friday.

 

[bastetservant]

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandfather. It is difficult. So much family history with grandparents.

Mine are all long gone for 30 years or more. But I still am processing their loss, and I miss them. There is much I wish I had asked them, or talked to them about.

Robin