My Cat Loves My Wife And Hates Me.

[Paul A.]

I don't know why. I have never done anything mean to the cat. I have tried playing, giving treats, etc...

I am the one who is home during the day most of the time. My wife works. The cat lays low all day long. Then when my wife gets home, she comes to life, meowing, following my wife around the house, sleeping with her, but me. If the cat is sleeping on the couch, I will just go sit quetly at the end of the couch. Soon the cat's eyes are open and her ears are bavk. Within 1-2 minutes she jumps away. Most of the day when I am home I never see the cat. But around the time my wife gets home from work the cat comes and sits by the door waiting for her.

If my wife is out in the evening the cat sits alone in the dark downstairs in the midfle of the room. If I come down she shoits right upstairs. All her toys are down there but I don't even have an opportunity to engage her in play because she runs away.

I am disabled and don't work. We got the cat a couple of years ago to provide me with some companionship since the kids are gone and I am home by myself all day. This is worse then having no cat. Because I have to watch the cat pointedly ignore me all day long and then mob my wife as she walks in the door. Every day. I know it is just an animal, but it still hurts me. I even got a bottle of Calm Kitty spray and tried spraying myself and the room that I spend the most time in, all to no avail. I don't know what to do. But I don't like watching the cat suddenly become alive and affectionate when my wife walks in the door after having spent the entire day in the same house and never seeing the cat. Any ideas?

 

[rubysmama]

Hello and welcome to TCS.

Sorry it seems that your cat likes your wife better than you. Does your disability involve medication that the cat might be able to smell? Or something that might have startled her at one time?

Has she always been distant towards you? And how old was she when you adopted her? I wonder if she was just around females more, and is therefore more comfortable around your wife.

Here's a TCS article that might have some tips for you:
14 Cat Experts Reveal: How To Get A Cat To Like Me

 

[FeebysOwner]

Hi. I would be bummed too if I were you. Seems to make no sense, does it? But, as rubysmama said, there may be something to do with your disability that is making her leery. Also, was she with another family before yours, and if so, could there be a possibility that it involved males that were not good to her?

I think that your wife should ensure she includes you in whatever she does when she is home that your cat likes to do with her. And, you might hate the idea, but perhaps you could wear your wife's perfume, body lotion, etc.?? Check out your voices compared to one another - if yours is rougher/louder, you might try to tone it down some. Also, if she speaks to the cat in baby language, repeat those terms with the cat. Be involved when they are together, and make sure your wife talks/interacts with you while she talks/interacts with the cat. Mimic actions/behaviors that your wife does that the cat responds to favorably. Worth a shot anyway!

 

[Paul A.]

Thanks for the info. Mo, she was not always like this. I lay on the bed a lot while doing my business. She used to come and sit with me on the bed and I would pet her and she would purr. She will NOT sit in anyone's lap. And when she sits next to anyone she always faces away. Right now my wife is out. I am in the bedroom and the cat is sitting in the dark in the middle of the living room If I approach her, she runs away.
I don't know if it is an odor, or my sometimes loud voice or what, but it has become more pronounced in just the past month. It is very odd. Could it be the extra clothes I am wearing since the weather got cold? I just don't know. It is very frustrating.
We have had the cat for 2 years. She was 2 years old wben we got her. She came from an animal rescue. I don't know what her history is before we got her. She may have been abused byba male or something I don't know. I will try keeping my medication put away, and try wearing a different sweatshirt I really don't know what to do. This has kind of happened before, but never like this. The second my wife walks in the door she will be right there yowling in a plaintive way. It is really hard not to take it personally. Thx.

And I do use the same silky language my wife uses. I always talk to the cat in a soft falsetto voice.

 

[maggie101]

Do you feed the cat? Will she come for treats? If you have a tablet, find music or videos she would like.

 

[m3rma1d]

Dude that makes me sad to hear honestly I feel bad for you. Cats pick their people. It's not you, it's her .. Any chance you could go to a rescue and meet some more cats, and perhaps find one that truly picks you as their person? Might be on the first visit, or might take a few visits. Could y'all just have two cats so you get at least one that loves you?

 

[ArtNJ]

Your mentioning disability got me thinking. My cats dislike my mother in law because she has a walker -- it is noisy. If your disability impacts your gait in any fashion, I imagine that could make you seem somewhat scary. Another possibility -- did the change in the cat's attitude towards you happen after you went in for a hospital stay?

I feel like most of the time when this happens to people its hard to pinpoint the initial cause, but the error people make is not picking up on the change quickly enough, and trying to pick the cat up and cuddle it when, for whatever reason, it is temporarily wary of you. This alarms the cat. So it kind of snowballs on folks is my theory. I think the thing to do is you have to kind of treat the cat like a new addition, and approach it like your trying to form an initial bond.

 

[susanm9006]

I am just wondering whether you trying or wanting her to like you so much makes her uncomfortable. Cats for example don’t like to be stared at and some are very particular about their personal space and anyone getting too close. I would make sure that you are her primary caregiver, the one that feeds her every meal, changes her litterbox, engages her in play with a wand or a laser and offers her occasional treats. And other than that I would ignore her until she is ready to come to you.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Thanks for the info. Mo, she was not always like this. I lay on the bed a lot while doing my business. She used to come and sit with me on the bed and I would pet her and she would purr. She will NOT sit in anyone's lap. And when she sits next to anyone she always faces away. Right now my wife is out. I am in the bedroom and the cat is sitting in the dark in the middle of the living room If I approach her, she runs away.
I don't know if it is an odor, or my sometimes loud voice or what, but it has become more pronounced in just the past month. It is very odd. Could it be the extra clothes I am wearing since the weather got cold? I just don't know. It is very frustrating.
We have had the cat for 2 years. She was 2 years old wben we got her. She came from an animal rescue. I don't know what her history is before we got her. She may have been abused byba male or something I don't know. I will try keeping my medication put away, and try wearing a different sweatshirt I really don't know what to do. This has kind of happened before, but never like this. The second my wife walks in the door she will be right there yowling in a plaintive way. It is really hard not to take it personally. Thx.

And I do use the same silky language my wife uses. I always talk to the cat in a soft falsetto voice.

Good to meet, you, Paul A.
Don't feel bad about taking it personally because it's frustrating and perplexing. Has she always favored your wife over you, or is this something new that's only started up recently? (If it's new, a vet visit might be a good option because cats are delightfully weird in some ways, and sometimes the first sign of a health problem is a really random, really odd or weird change in behavior or how they act.)
You mentioned something about her "sitting in a dark living room" and she bolts. Is there a chance her eyesight isn't good, or she's simply startled by someone rustling around in a darkened room? Maybe she associates your scent with this and it freaked her out a bit.
The bigger, heavier clothes isn't a far stretch at all. I'm a cat guy by trade but have dogs, and have read about both species. I read once about some lady who got a dog in the spring time and when 8 or 9 months had passed, winter hit and she arrived home late in a big, hooded coat and the dog immediately bit her. Once she took the coat off, the dog recognized her and was normal again.
Could you describe (in whatever detail you want to get into) a normal day with you and your cat? Is she a foodie, or does she graze? (If she's a food driven cat, I'd make sure you're the one in charge of feeding. If you put the food down and she runs, put the food down anyway and then walk off, you can mess the food up a little if you want to put your scent on it, let her explore it on her own terms.)

If you're feeling even the slightest bit of frustration or annoyance at her over this (doesn't make you a bad person, been there myself) do what you can to let it go and just ignore her while you're home alone. If she comes in a room, gives you an owl eyed stare and runs off, let her. Most cats are curious. Some cats are worried by someone who only wants to make them feel better and it makes them worse when it comes to hiding, etc.
I'm no cat expert, just some guy on TCS, but I don't see this situation as hopeless.

 

[maggie101]

Can you put some treats in your pocket? Have a conversation with her in a quiet voice

 

[jcat]

If she's food-driven, you might want to try clicker training with her so that you can establish a fun activity for both of you. There are quite a few videos on YouTube that show how it works.

Another thing that might help is Feliway spray on your clothing, e.g., just a little on your pant legs near your ankles. I basically use it as "perfume" when working with very shy or feral cats, and our vets do, too. The cats are intrigued by the scent and forget a bit of their shyness.

 

[FeebysOwner]

Mo, she was not always like this.

So, is it even remotely possible to trace back to when this new behavior started and see if you can pinpoint some change(s) that went on related to you at that time? Like others have stated above - a hospitalization, medication change, using different soap/shampoo/cologne, etc. Whatever it could be would likely have to do directly with you as opposed to your wife.

Btw, my Feeby generally has her behind facing me whenever she sits near me. Go figure. But, then she loves butt pats as well. However, she will sit on my lap - when SHE thinks it is a good idea.

 

[sargon]

I once had a housemate like your cat. It can indeed be worse to have someone (cat or human) around who just reminds you of how lonely you feel.

As to the issue, part of it is that cats often do pick a favorite person, but it also sounds like your cat may have lower than average social needs ( just like humans, some do.)

Off the top of my head without knowing too many details, Id' suggest working towards having the cat feel safe and happy across the room from you for a while. if there are a couple of rooms you are in most of the day, try adding a really nice spot for your cat to rest on where they feel safe and happy (a window perch is often a great option), and can associate that feeling with being in the same room as you. Dont' touch or even actively approach your cat when they are on those spots, just hang out in the same room. Before you know it, your cat will probably LIKE beinf in the room with you, at which point you can try and lure your cat closer with treats. What's important is to always let your cat come to you.

It'll take some patience, but eventually your cat is likely to come to enjoy your company.

On a side note, if getting a second cat is an option you might look into a rescue Siamese or related breed. In general Siamese type cats ten to have very high social needs, following people from room to room, talking to them , etc. And, by getting an adult cat rescue, you can work with the rescue organization to make sure that the cat you get is a good match for you, since they will know a lot about the cat's personality. Obviously, the basic idea of working with a rescue to find a good match works even if you prefer a mixed breed or a different breed.

 

[Jeffsmith]

Sorry to hear about your situation

I haven't read the comments as I've just jumped straight into commenting so sorry if it's already been said

I think give it some time and play the long game

Try to be in the same room as her and just give her company

When she's eating stand next to her and just be there.. Let her get comfortable with you being around her

Do this gradually

Try and give her treats too because they love that and soon she'll be running to you for treats

Once she starts getting used to you, you can try and play with her.. This will create that bond between the two of you

It may take time but will deffo be worth it

I would check out Cat Language Bible - a book/guide designed to help build that connection with your Cat

Hope this helps and all the best

 

[maggie101]

I used spirit of essence peace maker,stress,safe space on my cats from Jackson Galaxy. It does work. I have 3 cats. Their meals are morning,noon,and night. Three drops each meal. Do you ever watch My Cat From Hell?

 

[danteshuman]

I vote for a second cat that loves you, not your wife. That said my one cat is very attached to only me. One of my roommates won him over with treats, talking in a higher voice and using the words I use plus both of us petting him at the same time. He is still my cat but he accepts my roommate.

 

[Siber]

I think there is a way to fix it - simply don’t feed your cat till she is hungry. When so, the only one human who can help her - is you. And of course she’ll come to you to ask for food. When it’s going to happen, give her a treat and pet her. Do it for approximately 5 minutes, don’t forget to give her small treats. After 5 minutes you can feed her with normal portion of food. Tell your family to not feed the cat at all. She must come to you for it. So, do the “ritual” every time you’re about to feed her. Soon she will associate you with good emotions- pets and treats. Even if she’s not hungry - she’ll give you attention eventually. That’s how cats are! I have two, and it worked for my youngest one, he was very shy and didn’t want to communicate with any member of my family!

 

[1 bruce 1]

Sorry to hear about your situation

I haven't read the comments as I've just jumped straight into commenting so sorry if it's already been said

I think give it some time and play the long game

Try to be in the same room as her and just give her company

When she's eating stand next to her and just be there.. Let her get comfortable with you being around her

Do this gradually

Try and give her treats too because they love that and soon she'll be running to you for treats

Once she starts getting used to you, you can try and play with her.. This will create that bond between the two of you

It may take time but will deffo be worth it

I would check out Cat Language Bible - a book/guide designed to help build that connection with your Cat

Hope this helps and all the best

Another idea about the "Standing around while she's eating" is emulating what your wife does when she's hanging around and not really paying attention to the cat. If she's on her phone, do that. If she's reading, watching TV, talking on the phone, do that. Be around her, but don't look at her, don't speak to her, don't pet her, don't give her any reason to think you're "interested" in what she's doing, just be present.

 

[maggie101]

Might she be interested in a laser light? Does she have a tall cat tower? A cat I rescued stayed under my bed til I removed part of it so she could not get underneath. Then my bed or bureau. She liked to observe from up high

 

[Paul A.]

I have been just approaching her quietly, cooing at her and offering her a treat. Then I pet her a bit and then I back off. And guess who just came strolling into strolling into the room? She just jumped up next to me on the bed and sat down next to me. Just as I started to type this post. Right now she is sitting by me, facing away, but purring. So I take that as progress! ^-¡-^