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- Mar 14, 2021
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Hi all,
My sweet boy Momo is young (1.5yrs), very active, social, loves play, and has separation anxiety from his shelter days that he still hasn’t quite worked through fully. I moved in with my girlfriend roughly 5 weeks ago, and she has a 12 year old kitty named Daphne.
Daphne has lived with other cats before, including boys, but it’s been a number of years since then and the adjustment has not been easy on her (or us). Because we knew it was an adjustment and my girlfriend frets over Daphne because of her age, Momo got relegated to the office and Daphne had the bedroom to herself. We waited a couple of weeks before starting to let them see each other, then a week or so later let them start being around each other. Momo tried to befriend Daphne, but she would hiss and yowl and bat at him. He kept trying, though, which lead to Daphne starting to pee and eventually leave poop on our bed (usually she hid under it), going so far as to peeing on my girlfriend in the middle of the night! She is now locked out in the common areas (open floor plan of living room, dining room and kitchen) and Momo is back to being only in the office. We took Daphne to the vet to rule out any urinary issues and she is on a couple-week regimen of anxiety medications to ease the adjustment and try again even more slowly.
I have wanted for a long time (starting roughly a month after adopting him, so about five months) to get Momo a friend, within a year of his age older/younger, to help with his separation anxiety and need for more play than I can give him sometimes. Before moving here, he was also relegated to one room for some time because the other kitty there wasn’t just stressed by him — she would HUNT him! And not playfully! My girlfriend has known I’ve wanted that, but she said that he wouldn’t be able to until after Daphne passes, and has (understandably) doubled down on that given how stressed Daphne turned out to be by Momo alone.
But I feel horrible. Momo cries at the door to try to talk to Daphne, sometimes just sleeps all day instead of having bursts of playtime (which he didn’t do before, really, only once he was stuck back in the office did it start), and gets restless and stir crazy and troublesome if I’m not in there most of the time. I do my best to play with him and spend time in there, going so far as to sleep on the floor in there with him while waiting for our replacement mattress. He is noticeably calmer, happier, and more social when I’ve been in there all day and he tries to follow me out of the room. It hurts to know that he may be unable to have a friend for years, as Daphne is only 12 and has been in very good health. I had truly hoped that (and expressed many times that) after moving in with my girlfriend I’d be able to spend all my nights with Momo able to come in and be around me instead of having a few nights a week where he was totally alone. Now, we aren’t letting either kitty in the bedroom for a long, long time, and I can’t get him a friend to help offset the further loneliness (and it wouldn’t even be possible at this moment unless we swapped where Momo and Daphne are, and there’s no way my girlfriend would agree to that — which also is hard, because I loved seeing Momo happily sprint from one end of the apartment to the other).
I don’t know what to do, or if I even CAN do anything! I miss sleeping with my girlfriend, and our relationship has suffered a little since she elected to keep using the mattress until the replacement arrived despite it being ruined in the middle and we’ve both been super busy, but it’s breaking my heart to know I am about to be sleeping near Momo ZERO nights a week now, the exact opposite of what I’d hoped for, and my girlfriend doesn’t want me to get him a friend more than ever. Is there any way to convince her, do you think? I don’t want to stress her cat out even more, but I also don’t love that her stress automatically trumps his loneliness, stir-craziness, and separation anxiety just because she’s “getting up there” (how she always refers to Daphne’s age). He literally tries to climb the walls sometimes he’s so bored and restless. He cries at the door on and off all day. Her cat doesn’t need nearly as much room as he does, since she doesn’t usually have interest in play, used to only get zoomies after going to the bathroom (and doesn’t anymore), and prefers to spend her time just laying on her blanket (this was true before the move, too).
I love my girlfriend so much, am so committed to this relationship, and have no financial means available to move out in this new town/state even if I wanted to. But I am so deeply unhappy with this situation! It takes genuine effort not to resent her cat even though I know full well it’s not exactly her fault and I do love her, too. Momo is trying to climb the walls as I type this and my heart aches to know he’s about to be even lonelier at night. Is there any way to try to convince my girlfriend to give Momo the bigger space and get him a friend, as I had planned to until a few weeks before we moved when she vetoed that? Are there health and wellness benefits/needs I could bring to the table? And is it as unfair as it feels that Daphne automatically gets priority just because she’s 12, as though he just has to “deal with it” because he’s younger and “more likely” to cope better with the discomfort/stress/loneliness in her eyes? Thank you so much for any insight…
My sweet boy Momo is young (1.5yrs), very active, social, loves play, and has separation anxiety from his shelter days that he still hasn’t quite worked through fully. I moved in with my girlfriend roughly 5 weeks ago, and she has a 12 year old kitty named Daphne.
Daphne has lived with other cats before, including boys, but it’s been a number of years since then and the adjustment has not been easy on her (or us). Because we knew it was an adjustment and my girlfriend frets over Daphne because of her age, Momo got relegated to the office and Daphne had the bedroom to herself. We waited a couple of weeks before starting to let them see each other, then a week or so later let them start being around each other. Momo tried to befriend Daphne, but she would hiss and yowl and bat at him. He kept trying, though, which lead to Daphne starting to pee and eventually leave poop on our bed (usually she hid under it), going so far as to peeing on my girlfriend in the middle of the night! She is now locked out in the common areas (open floor plan of living room, dining room and kitchen) and Momo is back to being only in the office. We took Daphne to the vet to rule out any urinary issues and she is on a couple-week regimen of anxiety medications to ease the adjustment and try again even more slowly.
I have wanted for a long time (starting roughly a month after adopting him, so about five months) to get Momo a friend, within a year of his age older/younger, to help with his separation anxiety and need for more play than I can give him sometimes. Before moving here, he was also relegated to one room for some time because the other kitty there wasn’t just stressed by him — she would HUNT him! And not playfully! My girlfriend has known I’ve wanted that, but she said that he wouldn’t be able to until after Daphne passes, and has (understandably) doubled down on that given how stressed Daphne turned out to be by Momo alone.
But I feel horrible. Momo cries at the door to try to talk to Daphne, sometimes just sleeps all day instead of having bursts of playtime (which he didn’t do before, really, only once he was stuck back in the office did it start), and gets restless and stir crazy and troublesome if I’m not in there most of the time. I do my best to play with him and spend time in there, going so far as to sleep on the floor in there with him while waiting for our replacement mattress. He is noticeably calmer, happier, and more social when I’ve been in there all day and he tries to follow me out of the room. It hurts to know that he may be unable to have a friend for years, as Daphne is only 12 and has been in very good health. I had truly hoped that (and expressed many times that) after moving in with my girlfriend I’d be able to spend all my nights with Momo able to come in and be around me instead of having a few nights a week where he was totally alone. Now, we aren’t letting either kitty in the bedroom for a long, long time, and I can’t get him a friend to help offset the further loneliness (and it wouldn’t even be possible at this moment unless we swapped where Momo and Daphne are, and there’s no way my girlfriend would agree to that — which also is hard, because I loved seeing Momo happily sprint from one end of the apartment to the other).
I don’t know what to do, or if I even CAN do anything! I miss sleeping with my girlfriend, and our relationship has suffered a little since she elected to keep using the mattress until the replacement arrived despite it being ruined in the middle and we’ve both been super busy, but it’s breaking my heart to know I am about to be sleeping near Momo ZERO nights a week now, the exact opposite of what I’d hoped for, and my girlfriend doesn’t want me to get him a friend more than ever. Is there any way to convince her, do you think? I don’t want to stress her cat out even more, but I also don’t love that her stress automatically trumps his loneliness, stir-craziness, and separation anxiety just because she’s “getting up there” (how she always refers to Daphne’s age). He literally tries to climb the walls sometimes he’s so bored and restless. He cries at the door on and off all day. Her cat doesn’t need nearly as much room as he does, since she doesn’t usually have interest in play, used to only get zoomies after going to the bathroom (and doesn’t anymore), and prefers to spend her time just laying on her blanket (this was true before the move, too).
I love my girlfriend so much, am so committed to this relationship, and have no financial means available to move out in this new town/state even if I wanted to. But I am so deeply unhappy with this situation! It takes genuine effort not to resent her cat even though I know full well it’s not exactly her fault and I do love her, too. Momo is trying to climb the walls as I type this and my heart aches to know he’s about to be even lonelier at night. Is there any way to try to convince my girlfriend to give Momo the bigger space and get him a friend, as I had planned to until a few weeks before we moved when she vetoed that? Are there health and wellness benefits/needs I could bring to the table? And is it as unfair as it feels that Daphne automatically gets priority just because she’s 12, as though he just has to “deal with it” because he’s younger and “more likely” to cope better with the discomfort/stress/loneliness in her eyes? Thank you so much for any insight…