Momo needs a friend, but Daphne wouldn’t tolerate it!

[anxiousmama]

Hi all,

My sweet boy Momo is young (1.5yrs), very active, social, loves play, and has separation anxiety from his shelter days that he still hasn’t quite worked through fully. I moved in with my girlfriend roughly 5 weeks ago, and she has a 12 year old kitty named Daphne.

Daphne has lived with other cats before, including boys, but it’s been a number of years since then and the adjustment has not been easy on her (or us). Because we knew it was an adjustment and my girlfriend frets over Daphne because of her age, Momo got relegated to the office and Daphne had the bedroom to herself. We waited a couple of weeks before starting to let them see each other, then a week or so later let them start being around each other. Momo tried to befriend Daphne, but she would hiss and yowl and bat at him. He kept trying, though, which lead to Daphne starting to pee and eventually leave poop on our bed (usually she hid under it), going so far as to peeing on my girlfriend in the middle of the night! She is now locked out in the common areas (open floor plan of living room, dining room and kitchen) and Momo is back to being only in the office. We took Daphne to the vet to rule out any urinary issues and she is on a couple-week regimen of anxiety medications to ease the adjustment and try again even more slowly.

I have wanted for a long time (starting roughly a month after adopting him, so about five months) to get Momo a friend, within a year of his age older/younger, to help with his separation anxiety and need for more play than I can give him sometimes. Before moving here, he was also relegated to one room for some time because the other kitty there wasn’t just stressed by him — she would HUNT him! And not playfully! My girlfriend has known I’ve wanted that, but she said that he wouldn’t be able to until after Daphne passes, and has (understandably) doubled down on that given how stressed Daphne turned out to be by Momo alone.

But I feel horrible. Momo cries at the door to try to talk to Daphne, sometimes just sleeps all day instead of having bursts of playtime (which he didn’t do before, really, only once he was stuck back in the office did it start), and gets restless and stir crazy and troublesome if I’m not in there most of the time. I do my best to play with him and spend time in there, going so far as to sleep on the floor in there with him while waiting for our replacement mattress. He is noticeably calmer, happier, and more social when I’ve been in there all day and he tries to follow me out of the room. It hurts to know that he may be unable to have a friend for years, as Daphne is only 12 and has been in very good health. I had truly hoped that (and expressed many times that) after moving in with my girlfriend I’d be able to spend all my nights with Momo able to come in and be around me instead of having a few nights a week where he was totally alone. Now, we aren’t letting either kitty in the bedroom for a long, long time, and I can’t get him a friend to help offset the further loneliness (and it wouldn’t even be possible at this moment unless we swapped where Momo and Daphne are, and there’s no way my girlfriend would agree to that — which also is hard, because I loved seeing Momo happily sprint from one end of the apartment to the other).

I don’t know what to do, or if I even CAN do anything! I miss sleeping with my girlfriend, and our relationship has suffered a little since she elected to keep using the mattress until the replacement arrived despite it being ruined in the middle and we’ve both been super busy, but it’s breaking my heart to know I am about to be sleeping near Momo ZERO nights a week now, the exact opposite of what I’d hoped for, and my girlfriend doesn’t want me to get him a friend more than ever. Is there any way to convince her, do you think? I don’t want to stress her cat out even more, but I also don’t love that her stress automatically trumps his loneliness, stir-craziness, and separation anxiety just because she’s “getting up there” (how she always refers to Daphne’s age). He literally tries to climb the walls sometimes he’s so bored and restless. He cries at the door on and off all day. Her cat doesn’t need nearly as much room as he does, since she doesn’t usually have interest in play, used to only get zoomies after going to the bathroom (and doesn’t anymore), and prefers to spend her time just laying on her blanket (this was true before the move, too).

I love my girlfriend so much, am so committed to this relationship, and have no financial means available to move out in this new town/state even if I wanted to. But I am so deeply unhappy with this situation! It takes genuine effort not to resent her cat even though I know full well it’s not exactly her fault and I do love her, too. Momo is trying to climb the walls as I type this and my heart aches to know he’s about to be even lonelier at night. Is there any way to try to convince my girlfriend to give Momo the bigger space and get him a friend, as I had planned to until a few weeks before we moved when she vetoed that? Are there health and wellness benefits/needs I could bring to the table? And is it as unfair as it feels that Daphne automatically gets priority just because she’s 12, as though he just has to “deal with it” because he’s younger and “more likely” to cope better with the discomfort/stress/loneliness in her eyes? Thank you so much for any insight…

 

[ArtNJ]

These issues are pretty common with senior cats, and yes, befriending a cat years ago unfortunately doesn't necessarily mean much. Cats get less adaptible and accepting of new cats as they age. All of that said, usually it does get better with time, inching along pretty slowly towards toleration. Of course, one does have to pull the breaks when its causing the senior cat serious stress and they aren't eating or using the box, so you did the right thing there. However, you didn't describe your introduction process much, and its quite possible that backing up and doing a more fullsome process would advance you at least a little bit, to where you could let them work it out with the slow improvement happening. Maybe, if you can demonstrate to your GF that things are inching towards toleration, she would approve a kitten. But really, you want to get on that road towards toleration anyway, right? So lets talk about that first. Here is this site's guide:

How To Successfully Introduce Cats: The Ultimate Guide – TheCatSite Articles

Now given what you have already done, maybe you don't back up all the way to the beginning, but try to move to a visual access only step. There are some pictures in the guide of gate setups that people have used. Maybe a week or two of that lowers the stress level that you can let them mingle and get on that long slow road to toleration.

If it doesn't work out, Momo will probably get the message soon enough. Typically, cats give up on getting access (whether its to the outside, a bedroom, or in this case another cat) eventually. Yes, its nice for a 1.5 yr old to have a friend, but millions don't.

 

[anxiousmama]

These issues are pretty common with senior cats, and yes, befriending a cat years ago unfortunately doesn't necessarily mean much. Cats get less adaptible and accepting of new cats as they age. All of that said, usually it does get better with time, inching along pretty slowly towards toleration. Of course, one does have to pull the breaks when its causing the senior cat serious stress and they aren't eating or using the box, so you did the right thing there. However, you didn't describe your introduction process much, and its quite possible that backing up and doing a more fullsome process would advance you at least a little bit, to where you could let them work it out with the slow improvement happening. Maybe, if you can demonstrate to your GF that things are inching towards toleration, she would approve a kitten. But really, you want to get on that road towards toleration anyway, right? So lets talk about that first. Here is this site's guide:

How To Successfully Introduce Cats: The Ultimate Guide – TheCatSite Articles

Now given what you have already done, maybe you don't back up all the way to the beginning, but try to move to a visual access only step. There are some pictures in the guide of gate setups that people have used. Maybe a week or two of that lowers the stress level that you can let them mingle and get on that long slow road to toleration.

If it doesn't work out, Momo will probably get the message soon enough. Typically, cats give up on getting access (whether its to the outside, a bedroom, or in this case another cat) eventually. Yes, its nice for a 1.5 yr old to have a friend, but millions don't.

Daphne was eating and using her box, she was just ALSO peeing on us at night. We followed Jackson Galaxy’s guide minus the gates because we can’t afford extra purchases beyond normal expenses and extreme incidentals (like the vet visit) because of the expense of moving. We already planned to go back to the semi-beginning, and I’ll check that article out to see if there are any differences from what we did/followed.

I’m afraid Momo may not get the message, as she scratched his face more than once and he still ran right back up to her to try to say hi, not even playing or trying to touch her, with basically no break at all. He never fought back, even after weeks, though he did start to raise his paws to protect his face eventually. He did feel like he eventually wasn’t allowed in the bedroom with her behavior and marking even with one of his beds, blankets, and toys in there (unmarked and untouched by Daphne as well), and he would lay outside the door looking depressed or trilling, but that breaks my heart because I truly hoped and told him (though he probably didn’t understand it) that we’d be able to sleep in the same room all the time…then this mean older kitty peed all over us, would posture between him and I and try to make me pet her specifically when he was looking or trying to play with me, and scratched him up just for walking within a three foot radius of her…and he still kept trying to say hi.

And I know millions of cats do not have friends, as I raised an only kitty for 17+ years and other family cats have been both alone and with others. The reason I want to get him a friend specifically is his extra high energy level and issues with separation, the goal was to improve his mental health and ensure he gets the appropriate amount of playtime and exercise if I have to work extra because his breed (Manx) has energy almost on par with Bengals. He is more active than a typical cat his age by a vast amount, and will quite literally play energetically for hours on end with no breaks if I don’t take the toys away and he tries to keep playing even when he’s breathing heavily and almost panting if he gets into it enough (again, I do stop him). Or he did before Daphne. Haven’t seen him do that or try to in weeks.

 

[ArtNJ]

I believe people have made a gate out of stuff purchased from home depote for like $20 or so -- actually better than buying a gate, since cats can jump over baby gates, at least unless you double stack them. Jackson Galaxy's guide is pretty similar, so if you followed that and gave it enough time, then I think trying to make a gate is the best bet. I believe there are pictures of home made gates in the article I linked.

One year old is the age a cat is at its most stupid-over-enthusiastic about play, its very common for them not to take no for an answer, so I don't think we can fault Momo, who sounds like a nice cat.

Are you sure the peeing is only stress related and couldn't be a UTI?

 

[anxiousmama]

I believe people have made a gate out of stuff purchased from home depote for like $20 or so -- actually better than buying a gate, since cats can jump over baby gates, at least unless you double stack them. Jackson Galaxy's guide is pretty similar, so if you followed that and gave it enough time, then I think trying to make a gate is the best bet. I believe there are pictures of home made gates in the article I linked.

One year old is the age a cat is at its most stupid-over-enthusiastic about play, its very common for them not to take no for an answer, so I don't think we can fault Momo, who sounds like a nice cat.

Are you sure the peeing is only stress related and couldn't be a UTI?

Thanks for the tip about the homemade one, I’ll see if we own/can afford the tools to make one (or maybe it’s super simple to make which would be great)!

Momo has definitely calmed a bit since I got him around exactly 1 year old, but is still quite active and it does seem to just be his personality — a trait which I love; I have him harness trained (he took to it so naturally I was amazed) so we go on nature walks which does wonders for his occasional stir-craziness or boredom and really enhances our bond. I do my best to do that as often as I can.

We took Daphne to the vet for a check-up and bloodwork and everything came back fine, they gave her anxiety medication and a medication to help pets recover from recent urinary issues (blockages, UTIs, etc) just in case she had one recently but they think it is just behavioral (which to me seems right considering the posturing she’d do when Momo was around and she was near me).

I spoke with my girlfriend a bit about my unhappiness and we are going to give Momo some time to run around the house every few days with Daphne shut in the bathroom, just so he has some variety and can stretch his legs, but we fear the days of him having free reign of everywhere are months in the future. It just absolutely breaks my heart to think of that and think of him alone at night every night, especially when I already felt bad about a few nights a week before we moved in together.

I feel so guilty, too, like I am not giving him the environment he deserves and desires. I don’t want to force him into the solitary, one-room cat life if that’s not his personality naturally and it very clearly is not. He’s the type to make friends with the dogs at the waiting room for vet check-ups and adores everyone and wants to explore everywhere. I want to give him that, and I want to have that, too. To have him in a more restricted environment than where I was before — which was supposed to be temporary and that’s why I was okay enough with it — feels horrible.

 

[ArtNJ]

Stay optimistic, at least about improving the relationship between Momo and the senior cat. If you can get past the inappropriate urination, the rest of it is a very common scenario. I've been through it myself, as have many many other posters here. If you can get them to the point where they can be together, it really will improve on its own, if slowly. I'm hopeful an improvised gate will help get you there.

As for Momo being so active and desperate for a friend, the only other thing I can think of to suggest is to try leash walking. That can come with its own set of problems, but it might help some. Some folks tend to suggest catios, but sounds like you don't have the money for that, and personally I don't know how much it would help anyway. Oh, and other people will suggest Feliway and verious calming products . . . personally, I have my doubts that any of that actually works, so with money being tight I personally would not go there. You could always try free options like cat TV or cat music . . . can't hurt anything!

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[anxiousmama]

Stay optimistic, at least about improving the relationship between Momo and the senior cat. If you can get past the inappropriate urination, the rest of it is a very common scenario. I've been through it myself, as have many many other posters here. If you can get them to the point where they can be together, it really will improve on its own, if slowly. I'm hopeful an improvised gate will help get you there.

As for Momo being so active and desperate for a friend, the only other thing I can think of to suggest is to try leash walking. That can come with its own set of problems, but it might help some. Some folks tend to suggest catios, but sounds like you don't have the money for that, and personally I don't know how much it would help anyway. Oh, and other people will suggest Feliway and verious calming products . . . personally, I have my doubts that any of that actually works, so with money being tight I personally would not go there. You could always try free options like cat TV or cat music . . . can't hurt anything!

Good luck and keep us posted!

Thank you, I am hopeful we can find a gate-like thing to make!

Momo loves leash walking, I take him to nature trails to help stimulate his mind and keep him active (he took to harness training so quickly I was beyond surprised). We already use Feliway, and the marking behavior happened while using Feliway multi-cat, though the basic Feliway does seem to calm Momo a bit (otherwise his anxiety and agitation can get very bad). I leave cat music on for him most days, but there isn’t a TV in the room he’s in so I can’t really do cat tv unfortunately. At least his tower is by a nice window and we live on the second floor so he can watch the neighborhood…he’s started trying to open the window, but it’s locked so he won’t be able to bust out. He also knows how doors work so I’m glad we don’t have doors that have that horizontal handle you turn…he tries to turn the round knobs on his own if you hold him up to them. He also can turn his electronic toy on by himself, which is great for when he’s in there alone at times. Super intelligent young man with a lot of love and energy, I want to give him the world.