Kitten is scared of me please help

[Sugardroid]

sorry I posted this in grooming/cat care but I felt maybe it belongs here.

I'm a horrible person and deserve to die because I lost my temper with my kitten and spanked her and threw her on the bed. I shook her slightly not in the air or anything just on the bed for a quick second and screamed. I have bpd and I've not been able to sleep because my kitten is acting up and ruining my things so I've been keeping on top of her. this time I was so tired and frustrated I lost it. I don't think I actually hurt her but I feel beyond horrible.

she now runs when I get near her and she's hiding under my bed. I don't know how to get her to forgive me I'm so upset

I'm getting help for my bpd so I won't ever lay a hand on her again. please somebody help me I want her to forgive me I'm so scared that I've permanently messed up our relationship

 

[di and bob]

For you to admit you did wrong, that losing your temper with a small, helpless kitten that had no idea she was doing something wrong and brings you guilt, is a step forward in the right direction. None of us are perfect. I have lost my temper too and have done things that bring me tremendous pain and guilt. Things that cannot be undone or taken back. Thank you for reaching out to us, we are here to help you so something like this does not happen again....
First of all, take a deep breath and thank the stars above that you did not hurt her badly. Shaking anything young can do much damage to an underdeveloped brain, and their bodies are so small and fragile.
Kittens are a bundle of energy, all they want to do is play and get into trouble, just like a toddler child. And just like with a small child, you must put up or hide anything you do not want them to destroy until they are old enough to understand. If this is not possible then a firm NO, in a loud voice, or distracting her with a cat toy is preferrable. You cannot change the nature of a kitten, they are a tornado of activity and it is up to you to protect them from danger and to provide them with something they CAN play with, not keep them away from what they can't have. Get a 'kickeroo' on Amzon, I keep an extra in a bag of catnip to refresh it and keep it enticing. They are irresistable to cats and get rid of a lot of excess energy. Throw it towards her when she is interested in something she shouldn't be. Get a cat tree, a wand, some fuzzy mice.
That she is avoiding you now means that you did hurt her. We always say to watch a new kitten and see if they come back to an older cat for more play, that means everything is well. If they avoid the older cat that means they are truly being hurt. You cannot undo what has been done. You must start over to regain her trust. But it WILL happen. I have hurt my cats before, and although it takes a while, they do forgive. Sit near where she is hiding and talk softly to her. Or just sit and read/look at your phone. Have treats set on the floor and leave them when you go. Do not force her out of hiding, that will reenforce her fears. Just talk softly, offer treats and toys, and let her come to you. It may take days or even weeks. She is young, and being young means they do not hold anything for very long. Even fear, especially since kittens are relatively fearless. she will eventually grow up and lose all this frustrating behavior. She will become a couch potato like most cats. But this usually does not happen until about two or so, so you have a ways to go. She needs to be a kitten first, and give you all the frustartions and joys and yes, even anger, that goes with it. Hopefully you will leave the room, or count to ten teh next time. because there will be a next time, and she is an innocent baby. Hold your breathe, and chant, "This too, will pass", it always does. nothing is worth hurting an annocent. I have yelled at my cats until tehy were afraid, and I know teh shame and guilt that brings. Remember, and know things WILL get better, tehy always do, good luck, and PLEASE come here instead the next time you are mad and frustrated, we will walk you through it, we have all been in your shoes.....you will be blessed for wanting to make amends, and you will be rewarded with a cat's love, one of this life's greatest treasures!

 

[FeebysOwner]

Just offering this TCS article that might help you get back on track with your kitten.
14 Cat Experts Reveal: How To Get A Cat To Like Me – Cat Articles

 

[ArtNJ]

Getting help is not the same thing as being stable on medication. Give the kitten back and adopt a kitten when you are stable on meds.

 

[sivyaleah]

Getting help is not the same thing as being stable on medication. Give the kitten back and adopt a kitten when you are stable on meds.

I'm with Art on this.

To the OP, I appreciate your awareness of the harm you caused and your willingness to right this, however, having a pet of any kind is a huge responsibility and always comes with both negative and positive experiences. Being mature enough to handle problems that arise that are behavioral, health related and even financial, without at minimum causing harm of any kind is imperative to being a good guardian of all animals of any type.

I'd admire you if you are able to understand how important this is for the welfare of this kitten and put the kitten's needs above your own at this time. She should be returned, so that she can be placed to a home where she is completely safe. This does not mean you don't love her, in fact, it means you do.

Last, I'm familiar with BPD and the people I know who deal with it do not harm animals. Please, keep working on you, and one day when you are stronger emotionally having a kitten will illicit joy and a feeling of wanting to protect and care for it. Wait for that time. You'll know it is the right time when it happens.

 

[Sugardroid]

Getting help is not the same thing as being stable on medication. Give the kitten back and adopt a kitten when you are stable on meds.

gotta go through therapy to get meds c: they don't magically show up in your cabinet

 

[sivyaleah]

gotta go through therapy to get meds c: they don't magically show up in your cabinet

deleted - didn't realize i was responding to the OP

 

[Sugardroid]

I'm with Art on this.

To the OP, I appreciate your awareness of the harm you caused and your willingness to right this, however, having a pet of any kind is a huge responsibility and always comes with both negative and positive experiences. Being mature enough to handle problems that arise that are behavioral, health related and even financial, without at minimum causing harm of any kind is imperative to being a good guardian of all animals of any type.

I'd admire you if you are able to understand how important this is for the welfare of this kitten and put the kitten's needs above your own at this time. She should be returned, so that she can be placed to a home where she is completely safe. This does not mean you don't love her, in fact, it means you do.

Last, I'm familiar with BPD and the people I know who deal with it do not harm animals. Please, keep working on you, and one day when you are stronger emotionally having a kitten will illicit joy and a feeling of wanting to protect and care for it. Wait for that time. You'll know it is the right time when it happens.

not gonna rehome her. I'm identifying the problem and fixing it to be a better mother to my cat. I'm strong and I can fix this and fix myself. me struggling shouldn't mean I should give up the one thing I love, we all make mistakes. I didn't beat her or anything I'm not an abusive person. and just because you know people with bpd that don't do certain things or do doesn't mean everyone with bpd acts the same. I'm getting help gonna get on meds and be the best parent I can be. I shouldn't have to re-home when I know I can do better

 

[Sugardroid]

For you to admit you did wrong, that losing your temper with a small, helpless kitten that had no idea she was doing something wrong and brings you guilt, is a step forward in the right direction. None of us are perfect. I have lost my temper too and have done things that bring me tremendous pain and guilt. Things that cannot be undone or taken back. Thank you for reaching out to us, we are here to help you so something like this does not happen again....
First of all, take a deep breath and thank the stars above that you did not hurt her badly. Shaking anything young can do much damage to an underdeveloped brain, and their bodies are so small and fragile.
Kittens are a bundle of energy, all they want to do is play and get into trouble, just like a toddler child. And just like with a small child, you must put up or hide anything you do not want them to destroy until they are old enough to understand. If this is not possible then a firm NO, in a loud voice, or distracting her with a cat toy is preferrable. You cannot change the nature of a kitten, they are a tornado of activity and it is up to you to protect them from danger and to provide them with something they CAN play with, not keep them away from what they can't have. Get a 'kickeroo' on Amzon, I keep an extra in a bag of catnip to refresh it and keep it enticing. They are irresistable to cats and get rid of a lot of excess energy. Throw it towards her when she is interested in something she shouldn't be. Get a cat tree, a wand, some fuzzy mice.
That she is avoiding you now means that you did hurt her. We always say to watch a new kitten and see if they come back to an older cat for more play, that means everything is well. If they avoid the older cat that means they are truly being hurt. You cannot undo what has been done. You must start over to regain her trust. But it WILL happen. I have hurt my cats before, and although it takes a while, they do forgive. Sit near where she is hiding and talk softly to her. Or just sit and read/look at your phone. Have treats set on the floor and leave them when you go. Do not force her out of hiding, that will reenforce her fears. Just talk softly, offer treats and toys, and let her come to you. It may take days or even weeks. She is young, and being young means they do not hold anything for very long. Even fear, especially since kittens are relatively fearless. she will eventually grow up and lose all this frustrating behavior. She will become a couch potato like most cats. But this usually does not happen until about two or so, so you have a ways to go. She needs to be a kitten first, and give you all the frustartions and joys and yes, even anger, that goes with it. Hopefully you will leave the room, or count to ten teh next time. because there will be a next time, and she is an innocent baby. Hold your breathe, and chant, "This too, will pass", it always does. nothing is worth hurting an annocent. I have yelled at my cats until tehy were afraid, and I know teh shame and guilt that brings. Remember, and know things WILL get better, tehy always do, good luck, and PLEASE come here instead the next time you are mad and frustrated, we will walk you through it, we have all been in your shoes.....you will be blessed for wanting to make amends, and you will be rewarded with a cat's love, one of this life's greatest treasures!

thank you for the kind words. I've never done this before to her and I feel beyond horrible and am trying to right the wrong and never do it again. I just really wanted advice on how to get her to forgive me and you're the only person to offer genuine advice and not try to convince me to re-home her so thank you

 

[sivyaleah]

not gonna rehome her. I'm identifying the problem and fixing it to be a better mother to my cat. I'm strong and I can fix this and fix myself. me struggling shouldn't mean I should give up the one thing I love, we all make mistakes. I didn't beat her or anything I'm not an abusive person. and just because you know people with bpd that don't do certain things or do doesn't mean everyone with bpd acts the same. I'm getting help gonna get on meds and be the best parent I can be. I shouldn't have to re-home when I know I can do better

I wish you good luck. I'll step out now as I have nothing more to add.

 

[Sugardroid]

believe me, I'm all about rehoming if you can't take care of an animal as you should always put their safety and health first. however I did not beat her and I'm not regularly abusive. I have some mental issues that I'm getting help for and will get on the appropriate medication. I CAN take care of my cat I've had them all my life, im just at a point in my life where I need help for my head. which is ok. I just wanted advice on how to get her to forgive me because I know I can be better for her. rehoming is not an option she doesn't need to be rehomed. I'm a good cat parent that made a huge horrible mistake and is getting appropriate help

 

[di and bob]

Like I said, you are sorry and I KNOW you will do better. Your kitten will forgive you, she loves you and needs you, don't forget that. I don't think there is one person alive that hasn't yelled at their cats one time in their life, or done something they regret. And if there is. they are a lot better human than I am......

 

[ArtNJ]

gotta go through therapy to get meds c: they don't magically show up in your cabinet

I wish you luck. The main reason I made my post was because kittens can be very frustrating. A lot of times we have folks with anxiety, and they post here near a breakdown because their kitten is so hyper. So if your meds aren't as effective as you hope or the side effects prevent you from taking them all the time, it could be hard. But I bet you can do it. The meds for BP are usually pretty effective is my understanding. So a chill older cat would be a lot easier, but I wish you luck with the kitten since your mind is made up.

 

[Pjg8r]

I don’t think I read how old the kitten is or how long you have had it, but I suggest you start again as though the relationship is new. Talk softly, toss treats, get a wand toy and encourage the kitten to play. The kitten may be slower to respond to you this time but I hope the relationship can be repaired.

 

[FeebysOwner]

In addition to using the above information - including the article I shared with you - to help you repair your relationship with your kitten, do you have a support network of family/friends who you could call when you feel you are getting overly frustrated/tired? A couple of people that will just let you vent your frustrations so you can blow off steam? For now, while you are working to get your kitten to trust you again, if you do call someone, do it in another room away from her so she can't hear you if you feel the need to yell. If you are seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist, they may have some support groups to refer you to if you would prefer to utilize people outside your circle of family/friends.

 

[Sugardroid]

I wish you luck. The main reason I made my post was because kittens can be very frustrating. A lot of times we have folks with anxiety, and they post here near a breakdown because their kitten is so hyper. So if your meds aren't as effective as you hope or the side effects prevent you from taking them all the time, it could be hard. But I bet you can do it. The meds for BP are usually pretty effective is my understanding. So a chill older cat would be a lot easier, but I wish you luck with the kitten since your mind is made up.

thanks so much for the reply. I love my kitten and I don't want to hurt her or ruin our relationship so I'm definitely going to get help to make sure I don't keep having breakdowns and getting overly upset at her

 

[Sugardroid]

I don’t think I read how old the kitten is or how long you have had it, but I suggest you start again as though the relationship is new. Talk softly, toss treats, get a wand toy and encourage the kitten to play. The kitten may be slower to respond to you this time but I hope the relationship can be repaired.

she's 6 months! thank you so much for the advice. I've been playing with her and approaching her sweetly and slowly trying to make her feel safe

 

[Sugardroid]

In addition to using the above information - including the article I shared with you - to help you repair your relationship with your kitten, do you have a support network of family/friends who you could call when you feel you are getting overly frustrated/tired? A couple of people that will just let you vent your frustrations so you can blow off steam? For now, while you are working to get your kitten to trust you again, if you do call someone, do it in another room away from her so she can't hear you if you feel the need to yell. If you are seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist, they may have some support groups to refer you to if you would prefer to utilize people outside your circle of family/friends.

yes I do! thanks for the advice I really appreciate it. I should have stopped and taken a minute to call someone because I do have a couple friends that understand and are supportive. it was just a very bad night that I regret and am taking steps toward bettering myself to make sure it doesnt happen again

 

[CityCatMom]

If you are determined to keep her, can you get her a companion kitten? Kittens can be a handful and it will be easier on you if she has a playmate to exert all of that energy with.

 

[jefferd18]

I applaud you for admitting that you made a mistake with your baby and wanting to rectify it. But please remember, she is very little, which makes her very fragile, so if you find your self at your wit's end in the future, please leave the house and take a walk or drive- just put some distance between her and yourself.

I am going to admit that I am a little worried about your feline baby because as you said, it takes time to feel better, so please have a plan in place if anything should go wrong.

Can you put her in another room while you are trying to get some sleep?- preferably one that is not close to your bedroom. I am a very light sleeper so sleeping with any animal is not doable for me.