Jokes of all types and stripes

doomsdave

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Thought a new joke thread might be nice.

Here we go . . .

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My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II.
Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him.

After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
 
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doomsdave

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Some military humor for you all on this Super Bowl Sunday.
Just because you are "old" doesn't necessarily make you "stupid"!
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the Bar just outside the American Legion Post. A ragged old Army ground pounder was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the dark murky puddle with bobber in sight.
A curious young Marine Fighter Pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," the old Sergeant simply said.
"Poor old fool," the Marine Officer thought to himself, and he invited the old Army Soldier into the Bar for a drink.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the haughty Fighter Pilot asked, "And how many have you caught today?"
"You're number ten," the old Army Sergeant answered. “2 Air Force, 3 Navy, 5 Marines.”
 
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doomsdave

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Alex and Mike, two buddies from the Vietnam war, were chatting over beer.
Alex said: Last week, my wife was feeling sick, so she asked me to do the laundry. You know, her underwear are labeled Monday, Tue, Wed, Thur...
Mike said: No big deal, mine are labeled January, Feb, Mar, Apr....
 
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doomsdave

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It took me a while to figure out the following joke. It is clever, but is it funny?

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said, "Thank-you."
I said, "Don't mention it!"
It took me a while too.

Ok, elephant in the room. Does that help anyone else?
No problem for me, though there always seems to be so many elephants and so little room.
 
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doomsdave

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Two people of indeterminate genders:

PERSON 1: "So, ever go to bed with an ugly partner?"

PERSON 2: "Nope, but have woken up with a few."
 

Margret

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My favorite blonde joke:

This is set shortly before the invention of the internet, though after airplanes had connections available in first class for things like FidoNet and UseNet and such (not sure if that time ever existed, but for the story it did).

A beautiful young blonde woman has to fly from L.A. to New York, a very long, non-stop flight. The night before she's up most of the night, packing and doing other last-minute chores, so when she arrives at the airport she's totally exhausted and more than ready for a good long sleep. "No problem," thinks she, "there'll be plenty of time on the flight."

She boards the plane and finds her seat and settles down to wait until the flight attendants have finished telling the passengers about emergency exits and flotation devices; then she asks for a blanket and pillow. But meanwhile, a well-off businessman has boarded the plane, and he's delighted to find himself sitting next to a gorgeous young blonde -- he intends to spend the entire flight talking to her.

So just as the young woman is settling down for some much-needed sleep, the guy next to her starts talking, and he won't shut up. He keeps asking her questions about herself that she wouldn't want to answer even if she weren't trying to sleep, and he just goes on and on.

She tries being polite. "I'm sorry; I was up all night and I really need to sleep," and it doesn't work. This guy is absolutely determined to spend the entire flight talking with the beautiful blonde sitting next to him. She starts looking for ways to be really rude about it, but fears that not even rudeness will work, and she hates to ask the attendant to make her seatmate leave her alone; it would probably be more aggravation than it's worth.

The man, on the other hand, is looking for ways to get the beautiful blonde to like him (it never dawns on him that letting her sleep would be a good start), so he comes up with a plan. He says, "I tell you what. Let's play a game. We'll take turns asking each other questions. I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it I win; then you ask me a question and if I can't answer it you win. And to make it more interesting, if I can't answer your question I'll give you $100, but if you can't answer my question you only have to give me $50. What do you say? I'll even let you ask the first question."

Hmm. This has possibilities. "Okay," says she. "How far is it from the earth to the moon?" Well, this guy has no idea how far away the moon is, but he tries. He pulls out his state-of-the-art, very expensive, little green-screen computer and gets on UseNet, where he asks the question, but UseNet takes time to produce results. So then he pulls out his state-of-the-art very expensive, very big cell phone and calls some friends up, but they have no idea how far it is from the earth to the moon.

After half an hour or so he finally gives up. He pulls out two $50 bills and hands them to her, and says "I give up. How far is it from the earth to the moon?" And she puts one 50 into her purse, hands him the other, and turns away and goes to sleep. Because "blonde" doesn't mean "stupid."

Margret
 

debbila

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A big snake and a little snake are slithering through the desert. The little snake asks, " Are we poisonous? ". The big snake says, " Yes ". Little snake says, " Oh no! I just bit my tongue! ".
 
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doomsdave

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A woman wanted to child proof her house, so she hired a handyman.
She spent over $600 at the end of the job, but two days later called the handyman:
" Jack, you were proofing the house for 3 days, you got paid over $600 for the job, but the kids can still get in ".
 
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