I'm struggling with a rapid death of a beloved cat

[meelasmom]

Hi everyone.
I haven't been back in a while. I lost my Meela 6 years ago and that pain and regret is still there. I don't think it really ever goes away. Abby was also Meela's mom. During Covid, I lost my Big Black Buddy cat and that was pretty traumatic. He was hit by a car, but I didn't find out for 4 or 5 days after, meanwhile I searched high and low for him.

This time I lost my mama kitty, Abby. She was so beautiful and full of life. I came home this past Friday after work and noticed something wasn't quite right with her. I got her to eat 3/4 of a can of tuna fish and she drank all the juice. I just didn't think she was feeling well. When I got up Saturday, she was much worse. She couldn't walk very far without just laying down on the floor. I ended up just wrapping her up in a blanket and held her most of the day. She slept a lot. She drank very little and didn't want to eat. At this point, I knew something was really wrong, especially when she stopped short of the litter box, laid down and just peed where she laid. Abby was 11 and I knew that her aging might limit the amount of time that I had left with her. I looked up the signs of a cat dying and she checked every box. I stayed up with her until 2am, believing she wasn't going to make it through the night. When I got up Sunday, she was still with me. I thought she's fighting whatever this is, so I started giving her water and through a syringe, hoping it could help rebound her somehow. I held her close to me as much as I could, which was just about all weekend.

Sunday night was horrible. After sleeping for as long as she did, trying to get up was too much for her and she would just collapse and lay there with her eyes & mouth open for a few minutes until she regained her strength and breathing. I cried so much over those couple days and prayed to God to just take her quickly and don't let her suffer if she has to go. I even told Abby if she had to let go, to just let go but if she had any fight left, that I would fight just as hard with and for her. Again, I said my goodbyes in case she passed in the middle of the night.

To my surprise, Abby was still with me Monday morning. Again, I had to say my goodbyes before I left, in case she left me before I could get back from work. I don't know who I was fooling, but I couldn't concentrate or stop crying, so I went home after only a couple hours. Abby was still holding on. I fed her more water and tuna juice through a syringe and she took it all. When I picked her up to hold her she cried out. I couldn't tell if it was just a cry or a pain cry. I felt it was time to call a vet (there are no vets around on weekends and they are extremely hard to get into during the week). Luckily, the vet knew my dad and after I explained what was going on, they said I could come right now or wait until the morning. Since Abby's condition wasn't any better, I felt like she was suffering and if she truly was dying, I had to be humane about it. But if there was even a chance she could recover, I had to know.

I immediately left, holding my hand on Abby's chest as well as petting her and talking to her while we were on our way there. She purred each and every time I touched her and talked to her. The vet looked her over before confirming that he believed she was actually dying. He did offer up an option that he do blood work to see what her levels where at. The only thing was that it would take a couple days to get the blood work back and that in the meantime she couldn't be treated and would continue to suffer or might even die. He said it would tell if her kidneys and liver were working, but he was afraid she may have already been in renal failure. He said by the look of her gums she was severely dehydrated and had a large loss of red blood cells. Also, after getting the results, he was certain that I would be exactly where I was at that moment and I would need to put her down. So I made a very, very hard decision and said my goodbyes to my best friend. I didn't think I had any tears left to cry, but I was so wrong. I sat in my car sobbing. Now I had to go home and bury my friend. By the time I was ready for bed, my eyes were just about swelled shut from crying.

Abby was a cat that came to me as a kitten by my daughter and granddaughter. 11 years ago (in November) I lost my bob-tailed angel Neeni. That really did a number on me and I struggled. My daughters friend's father had caught one of a few kittens that were born and living outside of his home. She asked if she could take it for me. My 2 year old grand daughter surprised me with Abby, who had a pink bow around her. I wasn't looking for another cat. I wasn't sure I wanted her, but I fell in love with her. I remember my daughter saying Mom, I know you have so much love left in your heart that needs something to love and this kitten has no home and needs lots of love. You are a perfect fit for each other. She was right! Abby was the best thing that happened to me. She was never a problem. You hardly even knew she was there. She gave me lots of kittens over the years and she was the Mother Teresa of all mothers. She was just perfect and she was so smart. She rode around on my shoulders. All I had to do was say "Abby" and point.

Her death has turned my world upside down. The other cats all know something is wrong. They comforted me by just surrounding me with their love. When I cried, one licked my tears. I know this is a long post, so bear with me.

Even though I know in my heart, it was the right thing to do by putting her down and ending any suffering she had, I am now second guessing everything.
I don't know how I missed any signs that something was wrong. I blame myself for that. Also, as Abby was resting on Sunday, I noticed her trying to itch herself. I looked at her belly and noticed several fleas on her. Against her better judgement, I gave her a dawn flea bath from her front arms down. She didn't like it and I was worried about her using up her energy, so we made it quick, but it did work.

Now after hearing the vet talk about the red blood cells being low, I remembered that I once heard that fleas can do that to a cat. She was older and probably a little weaker than the other younger cats, so was it the fleas that did this? I never really noticed her digging at herself. Did I do this to her by not paying attention? The vet said dehydration can also do that, so then I ask, why didn't I have a bigger water bowl out. Did she go without and I missed it? And then lastly, even though the vet told me that he was certain what was happening couldn't be reversed, but could he have been wrong? Should I have tried something else? I have so much guilt and pain right now. I know it's only been a day, but I miss my friend so much and feel like I failed her somehow.

I came here because I know there are people here who know exactly how I feel. I feel like I need some guidance. I'm not sure how to move forward.

 

[Mia6]

i am so very sorry. may she rest in peace

love,
mia xxxxxxxx

 

[meelasmom]

Thanks Mia6.

 

[meelasmom]

Here is my sweet Abby

 

[mrsgreenjeens]

I don't know of anyone who has had to make the decision you did not end up second guessing themselves. It's human nature. If you had not made that decision, then you might be asking your self why you did NOT do it .

As to not having a bigger water bowl, if she had kidney disease, there is simply no way she could drink enough water not to get dehydrated. I've had three kidney cats, and they all required sub-q fluids to try to keep hydrated, plus I added water to their food, and kept water bowls all over the house. They would still need those sub-q fluids every few days.

Yes, the fleas could have caused anemia if there were enough of them, but I don't think just a few would have done much to her.

I am so sorry your little Abby didn't make it through this, but please, please, please, do not feel guilty and blame yourself. Sometimes things are beyond all of our control. She was clearly suffering, and you helped ease her pain while causing yourself undue grief. That is the greatest gift you could have given her

Run free at the bridge, sweet Abby

 

[meelasmom]

I don't know of anyone who has had to make the decision you did not end up second guessing themselves. It's human nature. If you had not made that decision, then you might be asking your self why you did NOT do it .

As to not having a bigger water bowl, if she had kidney disease, there is simply no way she could drink enough water not to get dehydrated. I've had three kidney cats, and they all required sub-q fluids to try to keep hydrated, plus I added water to their food, and kept water bowls all over the house. They would still need those sub-q fluids every few days.

Yes, the fleas could have caused anemia if there were enough of them, but I don't think just a few would have done much to her.

I am so sorry your little Abby didn't make it through this, but please, please, please, do not feel guilty and blame yourself. Sometimes things are beyond all of our control. She was clearly suffering, and you helped ease her pain while causing yourself undue grief. That is the greatest gift you could have given her

Run free at the bridge, sweet Abby

Thank you SO MUCH for kind words. They meant so much to me and I truly appreciate them. I feel some guilt because I feel like I missed it somehow. She was my best friend. I know she's not suffering any more and I believe she is with the ones we have lost. This just really sucks right now. Thank you again. I needed to hear that.

 

[epona]

It's normal to go through all the what-ifs and some guilt and wondering whether you did the right thing, we wouldn't be caring humans if we didn't agonise over it - it sounds like she was very sick and you helped her to not suffer any longer. You gave her a great life filled with love and happiness, which is what is important.

My condolences for your loss.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

mrsgreenjeens said exactly what I came to say, but much better. What loving owner doesn't second-guess or reproach themselves after such a death? I did it with Katie fourteen years ago, for leaving it too long - the vets said she had two weeks left when she was diagnosed with cancer but I didn't get her there in time to be put to sleep on that last day, and she died of heart failure in my arms.

Cats are so good at masking pain that it's very, very common for us to miss early signs of illness (that's when they're even in pain in early stages).

You gave your darling Abby all the love and care you could. She's free of pain and weakness now.

 

[di and bob]

Guilt always accompanies grief. Second guessing yourself does too. it's always easier to see all the things we may have missed when we aren't so caught up in the horrible moment of being so helpless and upset. Don't go there. Sometimes reasons are never found, we have to accept what has happened and know we can never change the past. You are right on stating you sometimes never get over a loved ones death, somehow we all just muddle through it.
Your little one felt your love, felt your helplessness. She loves you all the more for it. As you know from your past experiences, you are very early in your grieving, and right now you are in shock and extreme pain. Time is the only thing that helps. It never takes away the pain and grief, but somehow it dulls the sharp edges and lets us find ways to cope. It helps to know you are not alone, that we here can empathize with your pain and be there for you spiritually. we are all family at times like these. Love is spiritual, so eternal. Know your little girl and all your past loves will forever be a part of your very soul. "do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened"........
Go forward into the future and live it as you would want for her to go on if you were the first to go, not in tears and sorrow, but sharing what she taught you, accepting the love your remaining little ones are trying to comfort you with. It takes a long time to fill that emptiness in yoru life. For right now know that you gave that little girl what she wanted most in this world, a home, and love. The memory of her death will always be with you, but the beautiful memories of the life and love you shared are so numerous, so much more important, cling to them and thank her for sharing them with you........RIP precious Abby. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure spot in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[meelasmom]

It's normal to go through all the what-ifs and some guilt and wondering whether you did the right thing, we wouldn't be caring humans if we didn't agonise over it - it sounds like she was very sick and you helped her to not suffer any longer. You gave her a great life filled with love and happiness, which is what is important.

My condolences for your loss.

Thank you so much!

 

[meelasmom]

Guilt always accompanies grief. Second guessing yourself does too. it's always easier to see all the things we may have missed when we aren't so caught up in the horrible moment of being so helpless and upset. Don't go there. Sometimes reasons are never found, we have to accept what has happened and know we can never change the past. You are right on stating you sometimes never get over a loved ones death, somehow we all just muddle through it.
Your little one felt your love, felt your helplessness. She loves you all the more for it. As you know from your past experiences, you are very early in your grieving, and right now you are in shock and extreme pain. Time is the only thing that helps. It never takes away the pain and grief, but somehow it dulls the sharp edges and lets us find ways to cope. It helps to know you are not alone, that we here can empathize with your pain and be there for you spiritually. we are all family at times like these. Love is spiritual, so eternal. Know your little girl and all your past loves will forever be a part of your very soul. "do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened"........
Go forward into the future and live it as you would want for her to go on if you were the first to go, not in tears and sorrow, but sharing what she taught you, accepting the love your remaining little ones are trying to comfort you with. It takes a long time to fill that emptiness in yoru life. For right now know that you gave that little girl what she wanted most in this world, a home, and love. The memory of her death will always be with you, but the beautiful memories of the life and love you shared are so numerous, so much more important, cling to them and thank her for sharing them with you........RIP precious Abby. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure spot in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

Thank you so much Di & Bob. You and the people here were so good to me when I struggled with losing Meela. I still carry that guilt and have so much regret. I know it was the right thing for Abby, but you are right, I have so many questions on why and how it happened and where is my part...Abby was one of those cats who never did anything wrong and you hardly knew she was even there half the time. I just miss my friend so much. I know I will get through this eventually, but right now the wound to my heart is so fresh. Thank you again, I truly appreciate all these words of encouragement..

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Abby, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

I am so, so sorry you lost your girl. Every word of your post tells me that Abby lived, breathed and had her being wrapped in your love, and I am sure she returned it, full measure. And you walked her to the Gate between This Adventure and her Next Great Adventure, sending your love with her to light her way. Now, from her new home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, she blesses you, and she sends her love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down throught all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abide.

Now, if I may be practical for a moment, cats are masters at hiding pain and illness. It is the most frustrating thing about loving them, that so often they seem so very normal until it is too late to help them. This is their nature, and ours to regret it, and feel guilt, which we have not earned. Remember that. As for the fleas, what you are describing is almost certainly not the base cause of her illness. It would take a very heavy infestation to do that, and ALL of the cats, and yourself, would probably have been scratching yourselves raw. Rest easy on that one.

 

[meelasmom]

It's normal to go through all the what-ifs and some guilt and wondering whether you did the right thing, we wouldn't be caring humans if we didn't agonise over it - it sounds like she was very sick and you helped her to not suffer any longer. You gave her a great life filled with love and happiness, which is what is important.

My condolences for your loss.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I know I can't change what has happened, but I want to be diligent if it's something that I can control. I want to do better, if I need to. I do feel like I gave her a good life and she knew, she really knew just how much I loved her. She was the queen of my house. All the others knew it, too. I keep getting these waves of emotions, where I just start crying. I miss her so much. I truly appreciate you responding. thank you!!

 

[meelasmom]

Rest you gentle, Abby, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

I am so, so sorry you lost your girl. Every word of your post tells me that Abby lived, breathed and had her being wrapped in your love, and I am sure she returned it, full measure. And you walked her to the Gate between This Adventure and her Next Great Adventure, sending your love with her to light her way. Now, from her new home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, she blesses you, and she sends her love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down throught all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abide.

Now, if I may be practical for a moment, cats are masters at hiding pain and illness. It is the most frustrating thing about loving them, that so often they seem so very normal until it is too late to help them. This is their nature, and ours to regret it, and feel guilt, which we have not earned. Remember that. As for the fleas, what you are describing is almost certainly not the base cause of her illness. It would take a very heavy infestation to do that, and ALL of the cats, and yourself, would probably have been scratching yourselves raw. Rest easy on that one.

Your words mean so much to me. Thank you so much. She will be forever in my heart. I did manage to find a quote that I really like and others are free to use it too. "Grief is love with no place to go". That is exactly how I feel right now. I'm still a mess, but not as bad, I guess. It's these waves of emotions that keep hitting me and I just start crying. She was so important to me and so very much loved. Thank you again, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the kind words I am getting.

 

[jan burns]

Hi everyone.
I haven't been back in a while. I lost my Meela 6 years ago and that pain and regret is still there. I don't think it really ever goes away. Abby was also Meela's mom. During Covid, I lost my Big Black Buddy cat and that was pretty traumatic. He was hit by a car, but I didn't find out for 4 or 5 days after, meanwhile I searched high and low for him.

This time I lost my mama kitty, Abby. She was so beautiful and full of life. I came home this past Friday after work and noticed something wasn't quite right with her. I got her to eat 3/4 of a can of tuna fish and she drank all the juice. I just didn't think she was feeling well. When I got up Saturday, she was much worse. She couldn't walk very far without just laying down on the floor. I ended up just wrapping her up in a blanket and held her most of the day. She slept a lot. She drank very little and didn't want to eat. At this point, I knew something was really wrong, especially when she stopped short of the litter box, laid down and just peed where she laid. Abby was 11 and I knew that her aging might limit the amount of time that I had left with her. I looked up the signs of a cat dying and she checked every box. I stayed up with her until 2am, believing she wasn't going to make it through the night. When I got up Sunday, she was still with me. I thought she's fighting whatever this is, so I started giving her water and through a syringe, hoping it could help rebound her somehow. I held her close to me as much as I could, which was just about all weekend.

Sunday night was horrible. After sleeping for as long as she did, trying to get up was too much for her and she would just collapse and lay there with her eyes & mouth open for a few minutes until she regained her strength and breathing. I cried so much over those couple days and prayed to God to just take her quickly and don't let her suffer if she has to go. I even told Abby if she had to let go, to just let go but if she had any fight left, that I would fight just as hard with and for her. Again, I said my goodbyes in case she passed in the middle of the night.

To my surprise, Abby was still with me Monday morning. Again, I had to say my goodbyes before I left, in case she left me before I could get back from work. I don't know who I was fooling, but I couldn't concentrate or stop crying, so I went home after only a couple hours. Abby was still holding on. I fed her more water and tuna juice through a syringe and she took it all. When I picked her up to hold her she cried out. I couldn't tell if it was just a cry or a pain cry. I felt it was time to call a vet (there are no vets around on weekends and they are extremely hard to get into during the week). Luckily, the vet knew my dad and after I explained what was going on, they said I could come right now or wait until the morning. Since Abby's condition wasn't any better, I felt like she was suffering and if she truly was dying, I had to be humane about it. But if there was even a chance she could recover, I had to know.

I immediately left, holding my hand on Abby's chest as well as petting her and talking to her while we were on our way there. She purred each and every time I touched her and talked to her. The vet looked her over before confirming that he believed she was actually dying. He did offer up an option that he do blood work to see what her levels where at. The only thing was that it would take a couple days to get the blood work back and that in the meantime she couldn't be treated and would continue to suffer or might even die. He said it would tell if her kidneys and liver were working, but he was afraid she may have already been in renal failure. He said by the look of her gums she was severely dehydrated and had a large loss of red blood cells. Also, after getting the results, he was certain that I would be exactly where I was at that moment and I would need to put her down. So I made a very, very hard decision and said my goodbyes to my best friend. I didn't think I had any tears left to cry, but I was so wrong. I sat in my car sobbing. Now I had to go home and bury my friend. By the time I was ready for bed, my eyes were just about swelled shut from crying.

Abby was a cat that came to me as a kitten by my daughter and granddaughter. 11 years ago (in November) I lost my bob-tailed angel Neeni. That really did a number on me and I struggled. My daughters friend's father had caught one of a few kittens that were born and living outside of his home. She asked if she could take it for me. My 2 year old grand daughter surprised me with Abby, who had a pink bow around her. I wasn't looking for another cat. I wasn't sure I wanted her, but I fell in love with her. I remember my daughter saying Mom, I know you have so much love left in your heart that needs something to love and this kitten has no home and needs lots of love. You are a perfect fit for each other. She was right! Abby was the best thing that happened to me. She was never a problem. You hardly even knew she was there. She gave me lots of kittens over the years and she was the Mother Teresa of all mothers. She was just perfect and she was so smart. She rode around on my shoulders. All I had to do was say "Abby" and point.

Her death has turned my world upside down. The other cats all know something is wrong. They comforted me by just surrounding me with their love. When I cried, one licked my tears. I know this is a long post, so bear with me.

Even though I know in my heart, it was the right thing to do by putting her down and ending any suffering she had, I am now second guessing everything.
I don't know how I missed any signs that something was wrong. I blame myself for that. Also, as Abby was resting on Sunday, I noticed her trying to itch herself. I looked at her belly and noticed several fleas on her. Against her better judgement, I gave h er a dawn flea bath from her front arms down. She didn't like it and I was worried about her using up her energy, so we made it quick, but it did work.

Now after hearing the vet talk about the red blood cells being low, I remembered that I once heard that fleas can do that to a cat. She was older and probably a little weaker than the other younger cats, so was it the fleas that did this? I never really noticed her digging at herself. Did I do this to her by not paying attention? The vet said dehydration can also do that, so then I ask, why didn't I have a bigger water bowl out. Did she go without and I missed it? And then lastly, even though the vet told me that he was certain what was happening couldn't be reversed, but could he have been wrong? Should I have tried something else? I have so much guilt and pain right now. I know it's only been a day, but I miss my friend so much and feel like I failed her somehow.

I came here because I know there are people here who know exactly how I feel. I feel like I need some guidance. I'm not sure how to move forward.

I am going throught the same thing and my cat Elsa had some of the same things happen that yours did, she was fine and she was also 11 and then she had diarhea so I gave her some antibiotics that I had and were approved by the FDA for cats and her bowels seemed to settle down, i'd put the capsule pills, half of them into her food and then she was fine, but then she got really congested, like her breathing was labored and she wasn't eating at all so I went to the vet with my daughter and he gave us meds and one was a steriod based one, I have another post on here that is more detailed with the medications but we didn't have a lot of money so we left her there because he said he thought she had water in her lungs but she didn't, when we came back and he said he ran an xray anyway and there was nothing in her stomach (I thought maybe burballs) because she was gagging and coughing up some when this first started.

He gave us more medication, Fenyl and the names are in my other posts because I threw them out angrily when she died. Her breathing had gotten really bad and my daughter started a 'go fund' on facebook and we raised some money to take her back, we had to force her to eat but one of the meds had her drinking water alot and she'd just lay around in places in our home where she never would before, she had a teepee that she liked to sleep in and I had all these kinds of beds for her and special dishes and even a dish with her picture on it and I got rid of everything except that dish. We went back to that same vet when she didn't improve and he got snippy with me and said he couldn't do much since I didn't have the money to pay for it! He never explained how to give the meds to her, I looked it up on my laptop and investigated everything he gave me and talked to 4 other vets in chats from petsmart. Elsa had a thing with water, she'd go to my bathroom and lay in the tub near the drain and sleep and she'd lay in front of my daughter's toilet also but seemed lifeless when picked up but she was still with us and after we gave her meds, in a rolled up towel so it was easier, i'd walk around with her and even sing to her and at times she seemed like she had pep but yesterday she laid in my daughter's bathroom and I found her with her paw in her water dish.

I took a nap from exhaustion and my daughter woke me and said Elsa was worse because her arms were flapping deadlessly when she picked her up. I went to her bathroom and Elsa was making her way towards my daughters shower and when I picket her up she howled and jerked rapidly and that was when she had either a stroke or a seizure, I immediately took her to the front room, getting ready to take her to the vet but she just lay there and I bent to look at her face and her eyes were half closed so we quikly bundled her up and took her to the er but it was too late, they said she passed. Lastnight I stayed up crying hysterically because everything in the front room reminded me of her I cried hysterically, blaming myself, and my daughter pointed out that the meds were what probably killed her because there were 4 different kinds and she couldn't breathe after taking some of them so i'd put a humidifyer next to her which she seemed to like, I ordered products for her I never got to use and this morning I cried again. I don't know how to deal with life without her, memories are everywhere and the guilt is overwhelming. I'm sorry, i've started cring again. I will show you pictures of my beautiful baby.

 

[jan burns]

This site is wonderful, I truly feel welcome here and I believe that Elsa had a condition that was always going to come to this conclusion but at least she was with me for 3 years and I treated her like a princess, having her picture put on her cat dish, several beds, pink of course and a tepee, I believe she was abused before she got to me because she always freaked out at sudden movements and ate her food too fast as if she had to fight for her food before but eventually she didn't freak out when I walked by, trust was earned and shared and she loved jumping up on the sofa and having me pet her and brush her beautiful coat. I spoiled her, she had so many dishes and pretty ones and beds to boot. I changed her kitty litter pan occasionally also. Maybe I will have a cat again or even a dog but for now I have to just grieve for one of Gods beautiful creatures that came into my life so innocently and learned to love and trust us. It all just truly breaks my heart but I do thank everyone for the kind words.

 

[meelasmom]

I am going throught the same thing and my cat Elsa had some of the same things happen that yours did, she was fine and she was also 11 and then she had diarhea so I gave her some antibiotics that I had and were approved by the FDA for cats and her bowels seemed to settle down, i'd put the capsule pills, half of them into her food and then she was fine, but then she got really congested, like her breathing was labored and she wasn't eating at all so I went to the vet with my daughter and he gave us meds and one was a steriod based one, I have another post on here that is more detailed with the medications but we didn't have a lot of money so we left her there because he said he thought she had water in her lungs but she didn't, when we came back and he said he ran an xray anyway and there was nothing in her stomach (I thought maybe burballs) because she was gagging and coughing up some when this first started.

He gave us more medication, Fenyl and the names are in my other posts because I threw them out angrily when she died. Her breathing had gotten really bad and my daughter started a 'go fund' on facebook and we raised some money to take her back, we had to force her to eat but one of the meds had her drinking water alot and she'd just lay around in places in our home where she never would before, she had a teepee that she liked to sleep in and I had all these kinds of beds for her and special dishes and even a dish with her picture on it and I got rid of everything except that dish. We went back to that same vet when she didn't improve and he got snippy with me and said he couldn't do much since I didn't have the money to pay for it! He never explained how to give the meds to her, I looked it up on my laptop and investigated everything he gave me and talked to 4 other vets in chats from petsmart. Elsa had a thing with water, she'd go to my bathroom and lay in the tub near the drain and sleep and she'd lay in front of my daughter's toilet also but seemed lifeless when picked up but she was still with us and after we gave her meds, in a rolled up towel so it was easier, i'd walk around with her and even sing to her and at times she seemed like she had pep but yesterday she laid in my daughter's bathroom and I found her with her paw in her water dish.

I took a nap from exhaustion and my daughter woke me and said Elsa was worse because her arms were flapping deadlessly when she picked her up. I went to her bathroom and Elsa was making her way towards my daughters shower and when I picket her up she howled and jerked rapidly and that was when she had either a stroke or a seizure, I immediately took her to the front room, getting ready to take her to the vet but she just lay there and I bent to look at her face and her eyes were half closed so we quikly bundled her up and took her to the er but it was too late, they said she passed. Lastnight I stayed up crying hysterically because everything in the front room reminded me of her I cried hysterically, blaming myself, and my daughter pointed out that the meds were what probably killed her because there were 4 different kinds and she couldn't breathe after taking some of them so i'd put a humidifyer next to her which she seemed to like, I ordered products for her I never got to use and this morning I cried again. I don't know how to deal with life without her, memories are everywhere and the guilt is overwhelming. I'm sorry, i've started cring again. I will show you pictures of my beautiful baby.

Hi Jan.
I am so sorry about what you went through. None of this is ever fair! Your story does sound similar to mine. I first noticed Abby wasn't feeling well on a Friday late after noon and by Monday, I was putting her down. I still can't talk about it without crying. I still blame myself for not noticing anything sooner. I think I always will, the same way I blame myself for putting her baby girl Meela down 6 years ago. Your cat was beautiful! I think right now that the worst thing for me is looking out and seeing her grave through the window, knowing she shouldn't be there. Abby was always somewhere and not always in site, but I knew she was there somewhere..Now not seeing her hurts because I know she's not there at all. None of what happened with you and your cat is your fault either. It's human instinct to blame ourselves. The vet sounds like an uncaring sole.
I, too, held Abby in a blanket just about the entire time from Saturday until Monday.
It will get easier eventually, but I'm not going to lie, it will hurt for quite a while. No matter how a cat is taken from us, it still hurts because they are gone. So we can blame ourselves or anyone else, but the bottom line is we still have a loss that we have to live with.
I am not actively looking for another cat because there will never be another Abby for me, but I am keeping an eye out for a female kitten that resembles my Abby. She and the other cat I had years ago (Zoro) were the absolute best cats I have ever had. I am trying to just concentrate on my other cats right now because they are still with me. But last night, I lost it again. The waves of sadness still come over me in waves and I couldn't stop crying. 11 years is a lot of time but I selfishly wanted more. She was my best friend and such a good girl.
You will get through this. It won't be easy, but I promise you will. These people here are great! They can give you inspirational words that can help soothe your pain. They understand. They have been where we are. Take care of yourself and I'm sending prayers your way.

 

[meelasmom]

This site is wonderful, I truly feel welcome here and I believe that Elsa had a condition that was always going to come to this conclusion but at least she was with me for 3 years and I treated her like a princess, having her picture put on her cat dish, several beds, pink of course and a tepee, I believe she was abused before she got to me because she always freaked out at sudden movements and ate her food too fast as if she had to fight for her food before but eventually she didn't freak out when I walked by, trust was earned and shared and she loved jumping up on the sofa and having me pet her and brush her beautiful coat. I spoiled her, she had so many dishes and pretty ones and beds to boot. I changed her kitty litter pan occasionally also. Maybe I will have a cat again or even a dog but for now I have to just grieve for one of Gods beautiful creatures that came into my life so innocently and learned to love and trust us. It all just truly breaks my heart but I do thank everyone for the kind words.

You were a good mom to your cat and she knew it! They all know who loves them the most.

 

[nurseangel]

When I read your post, what struck me was how much love and determination you have. Please don't second guess yourself. You are a very kindhearted person and did the best you could. I am so sorry for your loss. The world needs more people like you.

jan burns I am sorry for your loss as well. I hope time eases both of your grief.

 

[jan burns]

That was so nice of you to say. It's been almost 4 days since she left and i'm not counting the day she actually died and this has been the hardest time in my whole life and since i'm 68 that covers alot of ground! I have been going through many 1st experiences. Elsa was my second cat, Ramses who was totally black and died from a possum getting ahold of him and that was 20 years ago and I found him but he was outside mainly and he acted like a king. He would lay in the middle of the street, making the cars go around him because after all, he was the King! Once we let him out he stayed out, only wanting to come home periodically for his food and I remember the animal shelter guys came out to get him and threw him in a bag because he was stiff and I remember my outraged; 'Don't treat my Ramses like that!' and the guy looked at me and said 'He's dead, lady.' and I said, 'I don't care! He was my cat!'

But I don't remember grieving for him like I did for Elsa, and he still makes me want to cry every time I see her picture so I try not to look at any. I got a lot of support from Youtube if you can believe that, the very night she left us and I was crying alone in the front room I remember looking at her teepee and the grief overtaking me so bad I was hysterically crying. I turned on youtube because they have videos for everything and there was a vet on there talking about the grieving process when you lose your pet and she said many things that helped me. How out pets love us unconditionally and they don't see our faults like other people do, they just love us and forgive us and are loyal to us until the day we die, or they die, whichever comes first.

So I've never had to take a cat or any animal to the vet and other than Ramses i've never had a pet die on me so my emotions were all over the place and i'd be talking to my neighbor and suddenly I would start crying, she offered to let me come over and hang out with her 4 cats which I declined, the last thing I wanted to see is a healthy living cat when mine was gone. My grief was a thing I wanted to do alone. My daughter Kira went through this with me so we leaned on each other, we never found out what happened to Elsa, in hindsight I remember how she couldn't meow like in the beginning but I just thought she chose not to, she had a sound come out but it wasn't a full meow and I have a lot of guilt i'm dealing with but they say that is natural. Why did I get upset with her when she followed me into the kitchen meowing when I had her cat food right in my hand? Why did I freak out when she scratched the arm of my black velvet sofa?

But I knew that guilt would be one of the things I went through and I also learned it wasn't my fault, it was always going to happen because Elsa came from an abused home, I think, because at first unexpected moves would make her take off and go under the sofa but there was no violence or anything of that kind in this house. Maybe her throat condition turned into something else and maybe she always had this problem and it finally was the end of her. She ruled all the other cats in the area when she started going outside, ferral cats and all, she'd chase them off from our property and even stared down the dog next door until he ran away quickly, my boyfriend said he saw something in her eyes that scared him and this is a big dog, mind you!

I will never forget her, I rescued/adopted her when she was 8, we had a connection when I walked by the plastic container where she lay at Petco. I was always a dog person and yet that conection of my hand touching her paw on the other side of the plastic affected me so much that after leaving I turned right around and got her, adopted her and bought her everything she needed then and I was always getting her new beds and you should see the collection of bowls she had! I might not ever get a cat again, my boyfriend said it would make it easier but I don't agree. I didn't have a lot of money for the vet but my daughter raised some on facebook and I have regrets, when it looked like she was getting better I hesitated on taking her in again because the vet had already given me medication, steriods and after she starts those meds she was really gone, she just lay there and wouldn't eat, we had to force food down her but it was a special time for me and her because I wrapped her up like a baby after giving her food and meds and rocked her outside on the patio and even sang to her but she died in my arms but I didn't want to face it so I took her to the er animal hospital anyway and they confirmed that she had already passed and I didn't break down, signed the necessary papers and then when I got out to my car and my daughter was inside I suddenly burst into almost violent tears and that's the way it was for a few days.

If anyone is going through this you can reach out to me to talk and vent and do whatever because I know what it's like and I will do my best to comfort you, you talk to me......anytime.